Why it's smart to let toxic people have the last word.
Options
An interesting phenomenon I've noticed a lot in this forum is the 'taste' some people have for arguing with other posters. It reminded me of this article I came across awhile back. And as I know others here have experienced it with some people in some threads, I thought I would re-post here.
Here it is:
Arguing with a toxic person, when it's smart to let them have the last word.
It’s tempting to think that getting the last word with a toxic person is worth pursuing, but there’s one thing that’s even better…
In the simplest of terms, there’s nothing toxic people like more than:
1. Getting their way, or;
2. Causing a fight.
Toxic people like to accuse, tantrum, manipulate and smear their way to either one of the above or the other. Their out-of-control emotions and self-centeredness make the blame game and the smear campaign two of their favorite tactics for keeping you engaged with them so they can feed off you.
Upset a toxic person, and they’ll be shooting infuriating drama-baits your way and just waiting for you to bite the hook. And they know just what to say to keep you tossing and turning at night, just trying to think of some way – any way – that you can stop them once and for all and make sure the truth about who you are prevails. But if you’re wise, you won’t bother.
Because the only way to win with a toxic person is not to play.
And until you accept that fact, you’re anybody’s sucker. All it will take is one bloated accusation, one lie, or one insinuation about you, and you’ll forever be the toxic person’s most treasured source of satisfying fun and games. If you don’t know how to leave the bait alone and find another, quieter, more indirect route back toward being left alone, you never will be.
Abusive people know that as long as they can set and keep their hooks in you, you are stuck being there for them to use and abuse – to feed on. When they want to, abusive people will say and do whatever it takes to keep you glued painfully to them and their world, because if you are stuck to them, they will always have you handy for whatever emotionally abusive purpose they want.
You may need to cut contact altogether if you are in an entrenched personal relationship, and if so, you may get hoovered and manipulated into staying connected. This is often easily done by deliberately upsetting you so much that the urge to call or contact them just to have your say will be intense, because the lies or other distortions being propagated are so hurtful. Don’t fall for it. Just ignore the whole thing, walk away and wipe your hands. There is no winning such battles. The greatest reward is freedom from the toxicity, which only comes with your non-involvement.
Of course, if there is a legal matter or similar to attend to, by all means, defend yourself appropriately. Non-communication isn’t the same thing as being a legal or occupational doormat. However, responding personally to the drama baits and the manipulations designed to tempt you into fighting back is a reward for toxic people, so wherever logistically possible, let the lies, accusations or other nastiness go completely unresponded to.
The sooner you do, the sooner it will start to become quiet, which, given certain toxic types, can take long enough without additional delays being thrown in. Don’t tell yourself you have to reply — learn to recognize your refusal to respond for what it really is — a sign that it will be over as quickly as possible because you knew how to ignore drama-baiting and send the toxic person looking for a better target.
So when you find yourself invited into an ugly tug-of-war with a toxic person, simply drop the rope immediately, walk away and LEAVE IT BE FOREVER. Because the simple fact of the matter is, toxic people can’t have a tug-of-war with you if there’s nobody holding on at the other end.
Source: http://lightshouse.org/lights-blog/why-its-smart-to-let-toxic-people-have-the-last-word#ixzz2dfQrYw4g
Here it is:
Arguing with a toxic person, when it's smart to let them have the last word.
It’s tempting to think that getting the last word with a toxic person is worth pursuing, but there’s one thing that’s even better…
In the simplest of terms, there’s nothing toxic people like more than:
1. Getting their way, or;
2. Causing a fight.
Toxic people like to accuse, tantrum, manipulate and smear their way to either one of the above or the other. Their out-of-control emotions and self-centeredness make the blame game and the smear campaign two of their favorite tactics for keeping you engaged with them so they can feed off you.
Upset a toxic person, and they’ll be shooting infuriating drama-baits your way and just waiting for you to bite the hook. And they know just what to say to keep you tossing and turning at night, just trying to think of some way – any way – that you can stop them once and for all and make sure the truth about who you are prevails. But if you’re wise, you won’t bother.
Because the only way to win with a toxic person is not to play.
And until you accept that fact, you’re anybody’s sucker. All it will take is one bloated accusation, one lie, or one insinuation about you, and you’ll forever be the toxic person’s most treasured source of satisfying fun and games. If you don’t know how to leave the bait alone and find another, quieter, more indirect route back toward being left alone, you never will be.
Abusive people know that as long as they can set and keep their hooks in you, you are stuck being there for them to use and abuse – to feed on. When they want to, abusive people will say and do whatever it takes to keep you glued painfully to them and their world, because if you are stuck to them, they will always have you handy for whatever emotionally abusive purpose they want.
You may need to cut contact altogether if you are in an entrenched personal relationship, and if so, you may get hoovered and manipulated into staying connected. This is often easily done by deliberately upsetting you so much that the urge to call or contact them just to have your say will be intense, because the lies or other distortions being propagated are so hurtful. Don’t fall for it. Just ignore the whole thing, walk away and wipe your hands. There is no winning such battles. The greatest reward is freedom from the toxicity, which only comes with your non-involvement.
Of course, if there is a legal matter or similar to attend to, by all means, defend yourself appropriately. Non-communication isn’t the same thing as being a legal or occupational doormat. However, responding personally to the drama baits and the manipulations designed to tempt you into fighting back is a reward for toxic people, so wherever logistically possible, let the lies, accusations or other nastiness go completely unresponded to.
The sooner you do, the sooner it will start to become quiet, which, given certain toxic types, can take long enough without additional delays being thrown in. Don’t tell yourself you have to reply — learn to recognize your refusal to respond for what it really is — a sign that it will be over as quickly as possible because you knew how to ignore drama-baiting and send the toxic person looking for a better target.
So when you find yourself invited into an ugly tug-of-war with a toxic person, simply drop the rope immediately, walk away and LEAVE IT BE FOREVER. Because the simple fact of the matter is, toxic people can’t have a tug-of-war with you if there’s nobody holding on at the other end.
Source: http://lightshouse.org/lights-blog/why-its-smart-to-let-toxic-people-have-the-last-word#ixzz2dfQrYw4g
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Replies
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Good article!An interesting phenomenon I've noticed a lot in this forum is the 'taste' some people have for arguing with other posters. It reminded me of this article I came across awhile back. And as I know others here have experienced it with some people in some threads, I thought I would re-post here.
Here it is:
It's only the internet0 -
I assume the "toxic" people you are referring to are the ones who discussed cleansing and detoxing in this post that wasn't even yours?
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1087784-cleansing-detoxing
As you mention about, the "toxic" people would be the ones being emotionally reactive and out of control.... which, from the looks of this thread (that I was not involved in).... was not what the people you were speaking to were doing. You were just as argumentative as any of them. Just because their method of presenting information was not your favorite does not make them "toxic."0 -
Interesting article.0
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But who will feed the trolls? I find your trollophobia disturbing.
Last word!0 -
Excellent advice! I have struggled my way to this kind of resolution with a couple of people over the years but never thought it out like this. I just gave up. Now I see it would have been much simpler had I never engaged to begin with.0
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My favorite thing is to tke the wind out of their sails by agreeing with them.
"You're a horrible person!"
You are so right, I should really work on that.
Sound sincere and not sarcastic and they will walk away feeling confused and unsure if they got what they wanted or not.
:drinker:0 -
good article!!0
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I assume the "toxic" people you are referring to are the ones who discussed cleansing and detoxing in this post that wasn't even yours?
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1087784-cleansing-detoxing
As you mention about, the "toxic" people would be the ones being emotionally reactive and out of control.... which, from the looks of this thread (that I was not involved in).... was not what the people you were speaking to were doing. You were just as argumentative as any of them. Just because their method of presenting information was not your favorite does not make them "toxic."
I have seen issues here in numerous, numerous threads...some of which I posted in and some of which I did not.
Take what you like from the article, if anything. It was meant for others benefit. I read it a long time ago.0 -
Define 'toxic'? Just because someone has a different opinion than you, doesn't make them toxic. Enjoying a good argument doesn't make them toxic either. Correcting you because you are factually wrong doesn't make them toxic either. A person is only as 'toxic' as you want them to be.0
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I find the little drop down arrow below the persons name and click IGNORE. Problem solved.
Life is too short. :flowerforyou:0 -
Define 'toxic'? Just because someone has a different opinion than you, doesn't make them toxic. Enjoying a good argument doesn't make them toxic either. Correcting you because you are factually wrong doesn't make them toxic either. A person is only as 'toxic' as you want them to be.
QFT0 -
Define 'toxic'? Just because someone has a different opinion than you, doesn't make them toxic. Enjoying a good argument doesn't make them toxic either. Correcting you because you are factually wrong doesn't make them toxic either. A person is only as 'toxic' as you want them to be.
:noway:
I'll take my own advice and bow out now. Enjoy away!0 -
You are ignoring this user undo
sorry OP, i have no idea what you wrote since you are on my ignore list. :flowerforyou:
0 -
But playing with toxic people can be so much fun!
Also seems to be a lot of misconceptions about negative vs informative eg person doesn't share my point of view ergo negative.0 -
I have not read the threads much today. I know not of what inspired this. I do know it is good advice though. My daughter has a toxic child in her grade. The girl is flat out mean. My DD is learning that the best approach to dealing with this toxic child is to state the truth in almost a flat tone to stand her ground or to set the record straight to onlookers and then after that point respond with a flat "ok..whatever" type response. It takes the girl's power away if you don't argue with her. She might keep saying mean things or telling lies but by not responding to her, the drama is over and the onlookers leave.An interesting phenomenon I've noticed a lot in this forum is the 'taste' some people have for arguing with other posters. It reminded me of this article I came across awhile back. And as I know others here have experienced it with some people in some threads, I thought I would re-post here.
Here it is:
Arguing with a toxic person, when it's smart to let them have the last word.
It’s tempting to think that getting the last word with a toxic person is worth pursuing, but there’s one thing that’s even better…
In the simplest of terms, there’s nothing toxic people like more than:
1. Getting their way, or;
2. Causing a fight.
Toxic people like to accuse, tantrum, manipulate and smear their way to either one of the above or the other. Their out-of-control emotions and self-centeredness make the blame game and the smear campaign two of their favorite tactics for keeping you engaged with them so they can feed off you.
Upset a toxic person, and they’ll be shooting infuriating drama-baits your way and just waiting for you to bite the hook. And they know just what to say to keep you tossing and turning at night, just trying to think of some way – any way – that you can stop them once and for all and make sure the truth about who you are prevails. But if you’re wise, you won’t bother.
Because the only way to win with a toxic person is not to play.
And until you accept that fact, you’re anybody’s sucker. All it will take is one bloated accusation, one lie, or one insinuation about you, and you’ll forever be the toxic person’s most treasured source of satisfying fun and games. If you don’t know how to leave the bait alone and find another, quieter, more indirect route back toward being left alone, you never will be.
Abusive people know that as long as they can set and keep their hooks in you, you are stuck being there for them to use and abuse – to feed on. When they want to, abusive people will say and do whatever it takes to keep you glued painfully to them and their world, because if you are stuck to them, they will always have you handy for whatever emotionally abusive purpose they want.
You may need to cut contact altogether if you are in an entrenched personal relationship, and if so, you may get hoovered and manipulated into staying connected. This is often easily done by deliberately upsetting you so much that the urge to call or contact them just to have your say will be intense, because the lies or other distortions being propagated are so hurtful. Don’t fall for it. Just ignore the whole thing, walk away and wipe your hands. There is no winning such battles. The greatest reward is freedom from the toxicity, which only comes with your non-involvement.
Of course, if there is a legal matter or similar to attend to, by all means, defend yourself appropriately. Non-communication isn’t the same thing as being a legal or occupational doormat. However, responding personally to the drama baits and the manipulations designed to tempt you into fighting back is a reward for toxic people, so wherever logistically possible, let the lies, accusations or other nastiness go completely unresponded to.
The sooner you do, the sooner it will start to become quiet, which, given certain toxic types, can take long enough without additional delays being thrown in. Don’t tell yourself you have to reply — learn to recognize your refusal to respond for what it really is — a sign that it will be over as quickly as possible because you knew how to ignore drama-baiting and send the toxic person looking for a better target.
So when you find yourself invited into an ugly tug-of-war with a toxic person, simply drop the rope immediately, walk away and LEAVE IT BE FOREVER. Because the simple fact of the matter is, toxic people can’t have a tug-of-war with you if there’s nobody holding on at the other end.
Source: http://lightshouse.org/lights-blog/why-its-smart-to-let-toxic-people-have-the-last-word#ixzz2dfQrYw4g0 -
I assume the "toxic" people you are referring to are the ones who discussed cleansing and detoxing in this post that wasn't even yours?
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1087784-cleansing-detoxing
As you mention about, the "toxic" people would be the ones being emotionally reactive and out of control.... which, from the looks of this thread (that I was not involved in).... was not what the people you were speaking to were doing. You were just as argumentative as any of them. Just because their method of presenting information was not your favorite does not make them "toxic."
0 -
Define 'toxic'? Just because someone has a different opinion than you, doesn't make them toxic. Enjoying a good argument doesn't make them toxic either. Correcting you because you are factually wrong doesn't make them toxic either. A person is only as 'toxic' as you want them to be.
QFT
+ 10 -
OP would be better served by listening to people more knowledgeable, experienced, and successful than herself than she is BT playing threads proclaiming her superiority over them.0
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I wonder if I am toxic.0
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Will a cleanse remove the toxins from toxic people?0
This discussion has been closed.
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