My 9 year old daughter thinks she's fat. What to do?

Personally, I think you handled it not only as well as you could, but perfectly.

As someone who was in that situation at 9 (yup, Grandma saying mean things only days after my parents separated, not on good terms) it sorta messed me up bad. I wish my dad would've said what you said. Instead, I got the "it doesn't matter what others say about you, but how you feel about yourself". However, I did grow up not caring what other people said about me so, I guess it was a good thing.

Kudos to you for handling it well!

I realize now that my body image issues were creeping onto my daughter when at ten years old she complained that her thighs were too big. And she was at a very healthy body weight and certainly didn't have big thighs. If I knew then what I know now, I would not have discussed my own body image concerns in her presence, but I didn't know better then.

If your daughter has a weight problem, talk to her doctor privately about what the best approach is to shore up her self esteem but help her get to and maintain a healthy body weight. If she doesn't have a weight problem, then you need to just tell her straight out that her body is just fine as is.

In the meanwhile, someone needs to put a muzzle on grandma, because even if she is overweight, grandma's statements are just going to destroy her fragile self esteem and probably create a bigger weight problem than already exists. In my opinion.

You did the right thing! Continue to remind her that the most important thing is not what she looks like, but who she is. Of course encouraging healthy eating and activity is helpful, but it shouldn't be about weight-loss at this point. I taught 3rd and 4th grade (the same age group) and too many of my students were "dieting". It's so sad. Make sure she's healthy and happy and has a good foundation for healthy habits.

My grandma pulled the same stunt with me when I was that age. I was *just* starting to gain some excess wight, but it wasn't too bad. She tried to bribe me by saying that if I ran up and down the hill in my parent's yard 3 times every day for the summer, she'd get me some toy or something I had been wishing for. I found out that summer that I have asthma. Thanks Grandma.

Years later, Grandma pulled a doozie by telling me that if I lost weight I'd be in a better job and married. Awesome. My dad talked to her, but her own self-esteem issues are clearly coming into play. Maybe this is the case with your baby's grandma? I've learned to embrace my grandma, even when she says hurtful things like this--but I'm 30...not 9.

Best of luck with your situation!! Sounds like you've set up a wonderfully safe place for your daughter!

Honestly? Help her before it gets worse. If she's gained a bit of a tummy then find out why and fix it. I'm taking a shot in the dark and assuming it's that holiday diet everyone - even adults - fall for. Help her eat healthier and teach her how to live a healthy lifestyle. Mention nothing about dieting or looking fit/thin when she's around. If she asks you questions, tell her the truth but explain and get her to understand.

I was sort of in her position around that age as I was bullied at age 10 and developed body dysmorphia at 11. Though in my case I actually had people tell me they didn't want to be around me because I was "too fat". Although they really helped me with the bullying, my family didn't do anything about the weight so I kept gaining and gaining and gaining until I did something about it myself at 16 and inevitably developed EDNOS/anorexia. Obviously I'm not saying this will happen to your daughter but if she is worried about her weight then this is her chance to develop a healthy lifestyle and not just a healthy diet. Today's generation of kids are so much more susceptible to the negative effects of pride in vanity so it's really important to teach them that their health is more important than their looks whilst they're young.

If my dad saw me eating a lot or something fattening he used to say, "YOU BETTER QUIT EATING THAT SH1T BEFORE YOU GET A FAT *kitten*! lol and look how good I turned out! hahaha I never would listen to him, just laughed it off and ate whatever. Didn't really gain any weight until 23 and now losing it so it wasn't really a big deal. I just thought that would be a fun fact to share. I think what you said was good

Have a respectful talk with Grandma and see what happened there. In Grandma's defense, the convo may have gone down in a different way than your 9 year old daughter explained it. Who knows.

Encourage your daughter to be more active but other than that, a little tummy on a 9 year old is nothing to be concerned with.

Haven't read all the responses, but I'm sure there are a number of people up in arms about how horrible grandma is. Even though I'd probably advise not even talking to grandma, I like the response above because it's reasonable and fair.

Whatever grandma said, having a talk to her about it might be the way you want to go. Personally, I think you already laid the groundwork for a healthy conversation with your daughters and said the right thing at the time.

Part of growing up is learning to deal with things other people say that might be awkward, inappropriate, mean and even abusive. As parents, we should ready our kids for those situations. The solution isn't always going to the "attacker" in my opinion. Grandma may mean well, and may also not be in a position to be told how to talk to her grandchildren. I'm not defending what she may have said, only suggesting that going to grandma may:
1. solve very little
2. create little to no change in how she communicates
3. create conflict between you and her
4. create conflict/awkwardness between her and your daughter

Of course, those risks may be worth it to you. I just hate to see the riled-up responses stemming from the "no one should talk to any child like that" perspective. I don't think that attitude solves many problems. And often creates more conflict.

I'm raising two girls, 9 and 11 now. They are told stuff by other adults all the time that doesn't sit right with me. Their grandmothers are a little crazy, but do love them. We struggled with similar issues (not just about body image, but about money, manners, clothing, respect, food choices, etc.)

Taking a stance on "how you should treat my child" can be tough. And I know plenty of parents that LIVE for the opportunity to do so. And I would always want to be an advocate for my kids. But I also try to focus on the real world, and recognize that often, teaching them how to deal with different people, different environments, etc. seems like a more productive approach than attempting to "correct" or change people or environments around them.

Unless your daughter is really obese, of your family pediatrician is concerned about her weight, 9 is pretty young to be worried about body image stuff. I know it happens, though. Good luck.

My grandmother drove me nuts when I was little about my weight. She would fat shame me (ie by not allowing me to have a slice of pizza at my cousin's birthday party, by putting me on a scale, by taking me to a dietician t the age of 7, etc). It was horrible. I thought that life was a cycle of restrictive dieting and periods of rewards of ice cream sundaes and pound cake. I didn't understand what it meant to just be a healthy active person until later in life. I also hid food in my room alot to avoid confrontation. Now years later I am thin and she constantly comments on how good i look compared to what a fat kid I was and makes me turn around in front of people to admire my tush. I am a successful married attorney but her greatest source of pride is my behind. My mom apologizes to me to this day for not protecting me more. As an adult, I just find it humorous and understand she is from a different generation. I wasn't so understanding as a kid.

My thoughts: kids imitate their parents. It's not what you say, it's what you do. Put an emphasis on how important it is to be healthy, fit, strong and active as opposed to thin or beautiful. How good being healthy feels. Playing instead of watching tv. Eating carrots for good vision and strawberries for white teeth. And lead by example. And tell grandma to shove it.

Aaaaaaaw, you are such a sweet father... You said the right thing to keep your daughter confident.

Maybe you need to re evaluate the food she eats, give her less junk food and more veggies and fruits, and maybe she would be interested in some activities like soccer?

I doubt her grandma told her "you're fat" exactly like this. Maybe she used other words but your daughter heard it this way. You should talk to the grandma.

And there's nothing wrong with keeping your daughter on a diet or for her to know her weight. I was in a dancing school since 7 and knew my weight and measurements, it didn't make me anorexic or bulimic in my adult life.