Boyfriend always too skinny and doesn't try to gain weight
pabbit
Posts: 6 Member
Hi! This is actually my first time posting on the boards, although I've been a MFP user for many years now.
I used to be really skinny back in undergrad (borderline anorexic), but now I am a pretty healthy weight since I started to eat more and not exercise so much. I still am restrictive on what I eat, and I am trying to tell myself that it's okay when I feel I ate a little too much. I suffered a bit from bulimia the past year, but now I'm trying to change my mindset to say its okay to gain a little fat here and there because it looks good on me.
One thing I struggle with is comparing myself with others, especially my skinny boyfriend. He is about 5'5" and only 115 lbs. He has varied very little around 115 lbs ever since high school. He tells me that no matter what he did in high school, he never got any heavier. He said he played some basketball and sometimes went to the gym with the guys. I look at his wrists and arms and notice that they are about as skinny as mine. His wrists are a little thinner than mine.
I really want him to eat more and work out so he can bulk up. I mean, what girlfriend doesn't what a kinda buff boyfriend? But he never really listens. I tell him to eat breakfast, to snack throughout the day, to eat nut butters, cheese, more protein. But he is soo resistant. He'll nod or sit there like he's actually listening, and maybe he'll do it cause I put the food in front of him, but when I leave him on his own, he ends up eating a small lunch at like 2, then eating the dinner I make him later in the evening. And today, I asked him if he only ate a cup'a'noodle for lunch, and he lied and told me he also ate a bagel, which I totally saw uneaten in the fridge. Lies!
I hate being like a mom for him, but I feel like if I don't shove food in front of his face, or buy certain foods for him or make big meals, he wouldn't eat a lot. It nags me so bad because I am the girlfriend, not his caretaker or his momma.
No matter what I say, he doesn't listen. Help!? How do I really make him get his butt off his computer games and cellphone games that he plays nearly 24/7 and do what I ask for his own health!?
And it bothers me a lot because I can't stand the fact that my boyfriend is skinnier than I am. I need him to really help me mentally get out of this previous bulimia/anorexic mindset and eat more. If I see him eat more, then I will feel okay eating more instead of feeling the need to punish myself. He needs to be a man!
I used to be really skinny back in undergrad (borderline anorexic), but now I am a pretty healthy weight since I started to eat more and not exercise so much. I still am restrictive on what I eat, and I am trying to tell myself that it's okay when I feel I ate a little too much. I suffered a bit from bulimia the past year, but now I'm trying to change my mindset to say its okay to gain a little fat here and there because it looks good on me.
One thing I struggle with is comparing myself with others, especially my skinny boyfriend. He is about 5'5" and only 115 lbs. He has varied very little around 115 lbs ever since high school. He tells me that no matter what he did in high school, he never got any heavier. He said he played some basketball and sometimes went to the gym with the guys. I look at his wrists and arms and notice that they are about as skinny as mine. His wrists are a little thinner than mine.
I really want him to eat more and work out so he can bulk up. I mean, what girlfriend doesn't what a kinda buff boyfriend? But he never really listens. I tell him to eat breakfast, to snack throughout the day, to eat nut butters, cheese, more protein. But he is soo resistant. He'll nod or sit there like he's actually listening, and maybe he'll do it cause I put the food in front of him, but when I leave him on his own, he ends up eating a small lunch at like 2, then eating the dinner I make him later in the evening. And today, I asked him if he only ate a cup'a'noodle for lunch, and he lied and told me he also ate a bagel, which I totally saw uneaten in the fridge. Lies!
I hate being like a mom for him, but I feel like if I don't shove food in front of his face, or buy certain foods for him or make big meals, he wouldn't eat a lot. It nags me so bad because I am the girlfriend, not his caretaker or his momma.
No matter what I say, he doesn't listen. Help!? How do I really make him get his butt off his computer games and cellphone games that he plays nearly 24/7 and do what I ask for his own health!?
And it bothers me a lot because I can't stand the fact that my boyfriend is skinnier than I am. I need him to really help me mentally get out of this previous bulimia/anorexic mindset and eat more. If I see him eat more, then I will feel okay eating more instead of feeling the need to punish myself. He needs to be a man!
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Replies
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Just break up.0
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Does your boyfriend want to bulk up? It will take a lot more than just eating more food to pack on muscle. If he isn't unhealthy, I wouldn't try to change the way he eats.0
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How would you feel if you found out that he was posting on a public message board about your body and your habits, and how you need to change for him? This is not OK.0
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Warning: tough love ahead.
This has nothing to do with him being a man. It has to be HIS choice to change his lifestyle, not yours.
If you can't handle him being skinnier than you (your issue, not his) then you need to have that conversation honestly with him. When all is said and done you either love him for who he is - or you don't. The rest is just petty detail.0 -
Break up because your boyfriend deserves someone who will accept him as he is.
Trying to change people against their will is not cool...nor is trying to shape them into your ideal.0 -
My boyfriend works very hard, burns a huge amount of calories every night he goes to work, and does not eat enough to 'bulk'. But, he'll wolf down his food quiet happily and eat whatever is cooked for him. The man eats! He just has a huge calorie burn.
This is the man who he is, and the man he was when I fell for him. If you do not love the man your boyfriend is, then you do not love your boyfriend.
The problem is with you, not him. I am sorry to be mean. But I'm a fatty with a skinny bf, and I kinda get where you're coming from, but just like I wouldn't like him squishing my chub and saying, "I wish you'd slim down, sweetums!" He wouldn't like me touching his slender body and saying, "I wish you'd bulk up, babe!"
It's mean either way. Don't expect your partner to change for you. I'm changing for myself. If your bf decides to change for himself, fine, but you can't force feed him. And if you have food issues, don't expect his behaviors to solve your food issues.![:\](https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/resources/emoji/confused.png ":\")
Sorry I don't have any kinder advice. 0 -
You cannot force someone to do something they don't want to. It has to come from within them.
Focus on yourself. Be healthy and maybe he will get inspired from you. But, if you push him too much, he will be bitter about it.
Also, you cannot use him not eating as an excuse for something that is holding you back. Especially with a history of eating disorders, you have to do it for yourself and heal from within first.
Stay positive and focus on the good.0 -
Have you tried communicating all of this to him? Some things seem to be a trigger to you, and you should really explain that to him. On the other hand, there is absolutely no way you can make him bulk up. It has to be a choice that he makes, no matter how it makes you feel, because it is his body. If you can't handle it then you may need to sit down and think on whether the relationship is more helpful or harmful to you. Best of luck.0
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You have some bargaining tools at your disposal .... unless he actually prefers computer games, that is.0
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If you really love and care about him, then try and sit him down and express how you feel. If he truly cares about you, he will listen. He has to want the change though, no matter how you or anyone else may want that change, he is the only one that can make it happen. I had this same talk with my fiance to walk with me more, cut down on the soda/pop..and try some of my healthy cooking habits on times that I do so and it helped. So keep that in mind. See if he can make small changes..don't try and overwhelm him because that can make it worse, I think. Good luck!0
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Break up because your boyfriend deserves someone who will accept him as he is.
Trying to change people against their will is not cool...nor is trying to shape them into your ideal.
+1 Just break up, you don't deserve him.0 -
Warning: tough love ahead.
This has nothing to do with him being a man. It has to be HIS choice to change his lifestyle, not yours.
If you can't handle him being skinnier than you (your issue, not his) then you need to have that conversation honestly with him. When all is said and done you either love him for who he is - or you don't. The rest is just petty detail.
I would have to agree with this. All of it.0 -
You have major issues, that need to be dealt with eventually. Hard lesson - you can not force him to do ANYTHING. Guess what - maybe he is just genetically skinny with a higher metabolism? That is out of his control, so you can either accept him for the way he is or leave. It is not his fault you are so insecure you need him to look a certain way so you feel better about yourself.
Honestly, do him a favour and break up with him.
How would you feel if he said you weight too much, he doesnt like how you are bigger than him, so YOU should lose weight? Yeah, not pretty when the tables are turned.0 -
It's not for you to tell him how he should look. Do you want him to harp on you about your body especially with your issues? It sounds like you should break up and fix yourself rather than having a relationship and trying to control him.0
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Alright, I'm not going to pile on, but tell you that your talking to him.
Ok, not really him, but I was like him.
I was anorexic when I was growing up. I feared getting fat like my Dad did, and my brother. Now I'd love to magically wave a wand, and have the ability to easily gain muscle. A lot like your man, it's not easy for me to gain bulk. Now I'm a good 30 pounds heavier than him, but I have almost always weighed less than my S.O. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that he may have his own reasons, and if he is healthy, then pushing him isn't exactly going to work.
If you do want to empower him as a man, and rather than continually emasculate him by telling him he isn't good enough to be with you, compliment him! Tell him you appreciate it when he works out, and whenever he does something more powerful, purr like a kitten. Your nagging (as well intentioned as it may be) will do nothing buy emasculate and annoy. By showing him that he is a man, he is powerful, and he is all you desire in a fellow, he will be free to have the body shape he desires.
If his true desired body shape isn't what really gets you purring, then I do admit it's time to evaluate the relationship, and try to figure out if it's a deal breaker or not. Only you know this answer, and forcing a change won't be a sustainable option.0 -
If you don't want to be his mother or caregiver then don't act like it, and stop trying to change him. The idea of him having to explain what he ate and being force fed is crazy. You started dating him at that weight so why can't you accept him for him? At least let him go so he can find someone who will truly appreciate him for the person he is.0
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If you really love and care about him, then try and sit him down and express how you feel. If he truly cares about you, he will listen. He has to want the change though, no matter how you or anyone else may want that change, he is the only one that can make it happen. I had this same talk with my fiance to walk with me more, cut down on the soda/pop..and try some of my healthy cooking habits on times that I do so and it helped. So keep that in mind. See if he can make small changes..don't try and overwhelm him because that can make it worse, I think. Good luck!
It's not about "healthy" eating. The OP doesn't like how her boyfriend looks. She wants a buff dude. For all we know, he likes being slender.0 -
Coming from the side of his aspect, I was the same way throughout high school. It wasn't until years after I was out, that I started actually gaining weight, mainly because I wasn't as active. As long as he's being healthy, then things will happen in time. I can't think of too many 30-something guys that are that skinny. Chances are within the next 5 years or so, his metabolism will likely slow enough that he'll gain a little more here and there. However, it's still up to him to want to exercise to stay fit when that happens too. I didn't, and now I'm trying to catch back to where I should've been, had I done that before. But that's hindsight for you.
I wouldn't put too much into it just yet, being as you're both still pretty young. Now if this was say, 15 years from now, maybe it'd be a little different, but you don't have to worry just yet. Just don't pick too many fights with bigger guys and expect him to save you on brute strength, since his current lifestyle obviously isn't that way. Just be supportive in who he is now, and who he will be in the future, and know that there's more to life together than how buff you wish he was. Especially if all his other qualities are top notch, then this one is completely trivial in comparison.0 -
Meh. Every single person I've dated has been lighter and less muscular than I am. I wouldn't have been comfortable telling them to bulk up any more than I would have been comfortable with them telling me what to do with my body.0
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I can see that you have kind of a mix of reasons to be worried, so talk to him and try to express all of them and not just the ones you think will flatter him.
I know it's not about him being too skinny or whatever, even if it's slightly about the comparison issue. (I wouldnt be able to have a boyfriend who is skinnier than me either, way too triggering!) It's really unhealthy to have such little appetite and act on it. (Watch supersize vs. superskinny - majority of the "superskinnies" don't have eating disorders, they have little appetite and they show them how unhealthy it is to eat so little, not eat carbs etc) I tell my boyfriend I worry about him when he loses weight too, he's fairly health conscious and used to build muscle a lot so he takes it to heart. And he knows I don't like skinny guys haha so he tries staying meaty for me.
It's like a mix between a body issue/trigger, a health worry and possibly attractiveness issue. Express all of those to him seriously. It's not enough just to hint or try and push or trick him into gaining weight, he needs to know why too.
edit: also feel free to message me to talk more if you want!0 -
If he is happy with his body, then that's all that should matter. If you don't like him the way he is, break up and find someone else.
Why try to change someone? Especially when there is really nothing wrong.0 -
+2Warning: tough love ahead.
This has nothing to do with him being a man. It has to be HIS choice to change his lifestyle, not yours.
If you can't handle him being skinnier than you (your issue, not his) then you need to have that conversation honestly with him. When all is said and done you either love him for who he is - or you don't. The rest is just petty detail.
I would have to agree with this. All of it.0 -
In...early...because this thread is destined to go places.
ETA: For full effect, re-read OP but read it as if it were written by a man about his girlfriend.0 -
Maybe he likes to wear your dresses when you're not around0
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If you prefer athletic, fit men, and your boyfriend doesn't want to become one, then find someone else. You also have your own health issues you need to overcome.0
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If you really love and care about him, then try and sit him down and express how you feel. If he truly cares about you, he will listen. He has to want the change though, no matter how you or anyone else may want that change, he is the only one that can make it happen. I had this same talk with my fiance to walk with me more, cut down on the soda/pop..and try some of my healthy cooking habits on times that I do so and it helped. So keep that in mind. See if he can make small changes..don't try and overwhelm him because that can make it worse, I think. Good luck!
It's not about "healthy" eating. The OP doesn't like how her boyfriend looks. She wants a buff dude. For all we know, he likes being slender.
Sorry. Maybe I should think before posting advice. Still though, I can understand what everyone is saying on here. I can still say at least express the OP's concerns, just don't expect him to change if he doesn't want it and if she truly cares, accept him as he is or give him the chance to find someone who will. I get that at least.0 -
He has to want to change for himself, like people whom quit smoking etc. You can try to encourage him down a path but if he doesn't want to change, move on for both of your sake's.0
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Maybe he likes to wear your dresses when you're not around
:laugh:0 -
Thank everyone. I actually needed all that straight talk.
I've thought about this for a long time and have several arguments/discussions with myself:
1) He is who he is and I can't change him. If I love him, I should not change him because it is he whom I love
2) I thought many times that I have been mean and pushy to him because of my insecurities and that he deserves someone better.
3) I talked to him many times and I've been trying to reign in my desire to make him eat/exercise more, but it would be nice if both of us were trying to adjust to make things work out
4) I know I'm being selfish and he's being nice, which then makes me hate myself after for telling him how I feel or after being pushy. It's a constant downward spiral, because I often guilt myself more than I should.
It will be a slow process, just like the process of changing my mindset about eating, but I will have to overcome my insecurities and return to loving him as he is again.0
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