Boyfriend always too skinny and doesn't try to gain weight
Replies
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Your boyfriends size should have nothing to do with your happiness. I have been a single mom for two years now struggling to lose the weight I gained in a previous relationship. Since being single I have lost over 100lbs but have lots more to go.
I recently started dating a guy who is literally half of my size. He is about 125lbs and 5'7 and I am a little under 250 and at 5'11.
Yes I would say his eating habits are the same as your boyfriend he very rarely eats and when he does he only eats half of what is on his plate, yes sometimes it bugs me but then I remind myself that this is who he is and what he does and he isn't hurting himself over it so I just let it go. I will say though it has been a great factor for me to lose weight because it does make me more conscious of what I put in my body.
I say love your boyfriend for who he is skin and bones and all. You liked him for a reason, don't let your insecurities get the best of your relationship.0 -
that's his decision, if he wants to sit around and not eat then let him do that.
i know it can be a huge trigger for you and it doesn't help.
does he know this?
if he does and he simply doesn't care how it can be affecting you, well then maybe it is time to re-evaluate things.
how long have you guys been together? and you are not his care taker or his mama. he is a grown *kitten* man and you need to not put on the message that you are his care taker because that will screw things up more.
speaking from a current experience here.0 -
No matter what I say, he doesn't listen. Help!? How do I really make him get his butt off his computer games and cellphone games that he plays nearly 24/7 and do what I ask for his own health!?
And it bothers me a lot because I can't stand the fact that my boyfriend is skinnier than I am. I need him to really help me mentally get out of this previous bulimia/anorexic mindset and eat more. If I see him eat more, then I will feel okay eating more instead of feeling the need to punish myself. He needs to be a man!
Go to a therapist. The way he eats and looks shouldn't be affecting you. And stop trying to change him. You say it's for his health in one tiny paragraph, but every other thing you say is that you want him to gain weight so he's more appealing to you, so he helps you fight your own battle with anorexia and bulimia, etc. Stop pretending it's for him, and realize you need some help.
It doesn't sound like he wants you to act like his mom. And you're not acting like one. You're acting like a pushy girlfriend.0 -
You are never going to make someone change. You will drive yourself crazy. He has to want to do it for himself. It's like trying to make someone quit smoking, as much as you want it, they have to want it more.
If you were overweight and someone told you to lose weight would that motivate your to lose it? Probably not, you would have to want it for yourself.0 -
If this is how he's been since you started dating, then you can't expect change now. You can try to include him in your activities, eat together, exercise together, etc for motivation, but it'd be different if he was in "shape" when you met him and tried for a different body but the fact is that he wasn't. You can't change people but you can motivate them to be consistent and help them achieve THEIR goals.0
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Thanks a lot
I already have low self-esteem
and now everyone is bagging on me rather than just helping me see the better way through this situation
there. you made a young lady cry and wish she never existed.
You aren't a young lady. You are an adult. Part of being an adult is recognizing when you have inappropriate feelings and doing something about them. Sorry.0 -
If you were overweight and someone told you to lose weight would that motivate your to lose it? Probably not, you would have to want it for yourself.
I'd probably eat more just to spite them, even I knew they were right lol.0 -
I dated a dude who was skinny, too skinny for my taste. I don't like to feel like I am having sex with another woman. So I broke up with him. Problem solved.0
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She's an adult with serious emotional problems who needs professional therapy. An Internet messgae board is probably not the best place for her to be.Thanks a lot
I already have low self-esteem
and now everyone is bagging on me rather than just helping me see the better way through this situation
there. you made a young lady cry and wish she never existed.
You aren't a young lady. You are an adult. Part of being an adult is recognizing when you have inappropriate feelings and doing something about them. Sorry.0 -
Sorry, but it's a personal choice what you choose to eat or not to eat. He's happy as he is - that's a gift. This is your issue not his.0
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She's an adult with serious emotional problems who needs professional therapy. An Internet messgae board is probably not the best place for her to be.Thanks a lot
I already have low self-esteem
and now everyone is bagging on me rather than just helping me see the better way through this situation
there. you made a young lady cry and wish she never existed.
You aren't a young lady. You are an adult. Part of being an adult is recognizing when you have inappropriate feelings and doing something about them. Sorry.
I was just thinking that the OP really should have taken things down a few notches with her first post. But you are probably right, and I can sympathize with that. Also, I believe she admitted that to some degree a couple of pages back.0 -
She's an adult with serious emotional problems who needs professional therapy. An Internet messgae board is probably not the best place for her to be.Thanks a lot
I already have low self-esteem
and now everyone is bagging on me rather than just helping me see the better way through this situation
there. you made a young lady cry and wish she never existed.
You aren't a young lady. You are an adult. Part of being an adult is recognizing when you have inappropriate feelings and doing something about them. Sorry.
I was just thinking that the OP really should have taken things down a few notches with her first post. But you are probably right, and I can sympathize with that. Also, I believe she admitted that to some degree a couple of pages back.
She said she was actively bullimic this year, so she's nowhere near healthy. he rissues with her boyfriend clearly aren't about him, but her need to cnotrol someone's eating. She's trying to not be so controlling over her own, so she's transferring to him. She probably shouldn't be in a relationship at all right now.0 -
Sorry, but it's a personal choice what you choose to eat or not to eat. He's happy as he is - that's a gift. This is your issue not his.
^^This.
As usual, some people have been unecessarily harsh in saying this, but that is internet message boards for you, and if you express any opinion or ask for any advice in such situations you need to have the backbone to take it
However, I agree with the sentiments behind many of the harshly worded comments - if he's healthy and happy as he is, you shouldn't try to make him change. By trying to control him, you will push him away, and you are not recovering from your ED issues you are transferring them onto him. I mean this in the nicest possible way: go see a shrink 0 -
It sounds like there are a lot of things you dont like about your boyfriend. Why are you with him again?0
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He's a grown *kitten* man. Let him eat what he wants. If my boyfriend tried telling me what I could or couldn't eat I'd clock him.0
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and it may help to talk to a therapist about this instead of total strangers on a forum board. works for me, anyway0
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...[quote[
Read that quote edited to sound like a fit guy talking about his more heavy (but still healthy) girlfriend to realize that you sound like a horrible human being
Thanks a lot
I already have low self-esteem
and now everyone is bagging on me rather than just helping me see the better way through this situation
there. you made a young lady cry and wish she never existed.
[/quote]
honey it's an internet forum, what do you expect? most people are either just stupid or ignorant, or bored at work.0 -
How would you feel if you found out that he was posting on a public message board about your body and your habits, and how you need to change for him? This is not OK.
This.
If you're this committed to controlling your bf, you need to break it off until you're mature enough to be in a relationship.0 -
Your basis of assessing your boyfriend should be his condition on the day that you agreed to be in a relationship within him. If you didn't like the attributes of him on Day 1 in terms of looks, motivation, hygiene, intelligence, and personal habits, you have made a mistake and shouldn't have engaged in the relationship. If all of the sudden your boyfriend’s body is a problem, that is your problem, not his, and he is under no obligation to change himself.0
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You need to realize you have absolutely no control over what anybody else eats. You never have and you never will. It sounds to me like you struggle with control issues (restricting what you eat, bulimia, etc.) I am glad that you are getting healthier. But you need to let go of your boyfriend's concerns, because you have no control over him. It sounds like he is happy where he is and if you are not happy with him where he is, you need to either change yourself, or let him go.0
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...
Read that quote edited to sound like a fit guy talking about his more heavy (but still healthy) girlfriend to realize that you sound like a horrible human beingThanks a lot
I already have low self-esteem
and now everyone is bagging on me rather than just helping me see the better way through this situation
there. you made a young lady cry and wish she never existed.
honey it's an internet forum, what do you expect? most people are either just stupid or ignorant, or bored at work.
it couldn't POSSIBLY be that they are ACTUALLY correct.
She's go massive issues. If she isn't attracted to him- she needs to leave him.
My BF isn't in shape at all. I started dating him he was kind of soggy. He used to be in amazing shape. He showed me a picture once... and since that day I hated him for it- because I wondered what in the world could possible make him go from the way he was- to the way he is now.
it's maddening. And I got even MORE serious about working out- I was already serious about it -but it went off the deep end- and I LOVE IT.
it drives me insane he could care less about how he looks. But. He is wonderful- treats me well and has a lot of other things going for him. So when he talks working out- I'm 150% enthusiastic and supportive.
When he talks about being lazy- I just tune him out. I also keep my workouts vague- just tell him I did them and move on.
She needs to get counselling instead of transferring her issues to her BF.0 -
I don't think there is such a thing as "too skinny". Come on! And how dare you post about his body in a public forum. Unless to say something nice.0
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I agree with another poster, maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship yet. It seems you still need help with your own issues and becoming healthier. Projecting your issues on to someone else is not good and not fair to the other person. Honestly, I'd say your need to control his eating is definitely your own issue and that you clearly don't have a good grasp on it yet.
Just like how you made the decision to get help for your ED, you were the only one that could really make that decision. No one else could. No one could change you.
I really hope you seek help. You've come this far from where you were...Keep striving to get better so you CAN have a healthy relationship with your boyfriend and food.
Who doesn't want a buff boyfriend? This girl. There's nothing wrong with it, it's just not for me.0 -
I hate being like a mom for him, but I feel like if I don't shove food in front of his face, or buy certain foods for him or make big meals, he wouldn't eat a lot. It nags me so bad because I am the girlfriend, not his caretaker or his momma.
No matter what I say, he doesn't listen. Help!? How do I really make him get his butt off his computer games and cellphone games that he plays nearly 24/7 and do what I ask for his own health!?
And it bothers me a lot because I can't stand the fact that my boyfriend is skinnier than I am. I need him to really help me mentally get out of this previous bulimia/anorexic mindset and eat more. If I see him eat more, then I will feel okay eating more instead of feeling the need to punish myself. He needs to be a man!
Stop acting like his mom. No one makes you, that was your choice. if he wants to eat, he will.
If you are not happy with who he is, find another boyfriend. It's not your job to change him nor is it his job to gain weight to make you feel better.
You need to fix you. (You don't need to fix him nor is it his job to fix you.)
Sounds like you need to work on you a bit more before being in a relationship.0 -
I don't think there is such a thing as "too skinny".
No? Plenty of anorexics in the world would probably agree with you.0 -
Hi! This is actually my first time posting on the boards, although I've been a MFP user for many years now.
I used to be really skinny back in undergrad (borderline anorexic), but now I am a pretty healthy weight since I started to eat more and not exercise so much. I still am restrictive on what I eat, and I am trying to tell myself that it's okay when I feel I ate a little too much. I suffered a bit from bulimia the past year, but now I'm trying to change my mindset to say its okay to gain a little fat here and there because it looks good on me.
One thing I struggle with is comparing myself with others, especially my skinny boyfriend. He is about 5'5" and only 115 lbs. He has varied very little around 115 lbs ever since high school. He tells me that no matter what he did in high school, he never got any heavier. He said he played some basketball and sometimes went to the gym with the guys. I look at his wrists and arms and notice that they are about as skinny as mine. His wrists are a little thinner than mine.
I really want him to eat more and work out so he can bulk up. I mean, what girlfriend doesn't what a kinda buff boyfriend? But he never really listens. I tell him to eat breakfast, to snack throughout the day, to eat nut butters, cheese, more protein. But he is soo resistant. He'll nod or sit there like he's actually listening, and maybe he'll do it cause I put the food in front of him, but when I leave him on his own, he ends up eating a small lunch at like 2, then eating the dinner I make him later in the evening. And today, I asked him if he only ate a cup'a'noodle for lunch, and he lied and told me he also ate a bagel, which I totally saw uneaten in the fridge. Lies!
I hate being like a mom for him, but I feel like if I don't shove food in front of his face, or buy certain foods for him or make big meals, he wouldn't eat a lot. It nags me so bad because I am the girlfriend, not his caretaker or his momma.
No matter what I say, he doesn't listen. Help!? How do I really make him get his butt off his computer games and cellphone games that he plays nearly 24/7 and do what I ask for his own health!?
And it bothers me a lot because I can't stand the fact that my boyfriend is skinnier than I am. I need him to really help me mentally get out of this previous bulimia/anorexic mindset and eat more. If I see him eat more, then I will feel okay eating more instead of feeling the need to punish myself. He needs to be a man!
No. My husband is 6' and 135. He does not need to "man up". You need to accept who he is or find someone else for your shallow self.0 -
OP - I think the sentiment of this thread can basically be summed up like this:
1. You haven't recovered mentally and emotionally from your ED.
2. If your boyfriend isn't making himself sick, then leave him alone.
3. You are not a bad person for caring, but the way you care is not right. Fix it!
4. You are making your relationship toxic.
If you love yourself and you love him, you will step back from this relationship and get some more help with your ED. I'm not saying you have to break up. If he cares about you, then you can explain to him that you feel like you need to deal with some things before your relationship can move forward, and he will understand. And be specific about what things you feel like you need to work on and why you think it is interferring with your relationship. Trust me, if he is the right one, then everything will work out.
Best of luck, OP, and don't let people on the forums get you down. Everyone has their own way of communicating and some are just less tactful with their words. You and your boyfriend will be fine.0 -
WTF ha ha ha ha
Poor guy let him free so he can be with someone who loves him the way he is.
Go find yourself a nice hunky guy at the gym then everyone can be happy.0 -
This sounds like you are pushing your insecurities on him. You want him to gain weight so you do not feel as heavy. You need to stop focusing so much on HIM and his body and think about yourself and your insecurities. Remember that anorexia and bulimia are mental disorders and those do not just go away. Sure you may be at a healthy weight but maybe your mind is not completely there yet.
And sure maybe you are just worried because you see signs your bf may be anorexic. If you feel THAT is the case, you need to have a serious talk. Don't dance around the subject, don't try to get him to eat...ask him straight out...0 -
She's an adult with serious emotional problems who needs professional therapy. An Internet messgae board is probably not the best place for her to be.Thanks a lot
I already have low self-esteem
and now everyone is bagging on me rather than just helping me see the better way through this situation
there. you made a young lady cry and wish she never existed.
You aren't a young lady. You are an adult. Part of being an adult is recognizing when you have inappropriate feelings and doing something about them. Sorry.
Therapy is doing something about it. It doesn't magically happen on its own. It's a decision (and a hard one, I know from personal experience). But OP, you are an adult, and no one is going to choose it for you other than yourself.0
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