Unsupportive Boyfriend and House

Whoa, I'm in a really similar situation. 27, living with my boyfriend and his dad, and since moving in with them I've put back on half of the weight I'd lost this year My boyfriend is not unsupportive but his idea of a good time is a big, tasty meal out (not going out with friends or anything like that) and his idea of a treat for me is baking a bunch of cookies or bringing home a huge bag of candy. It's so hard to tell him his idea of kindness towards me is making my life really difficult!

I'm not sure what advice to give seeing as I'm basically in the same boat, but yeah, moving out with your boyfriend and away from his family home will certainly help. It's a tough one to navigate as there are so many people's feelings at stake...stay strong though and try not to let it get you down!

Please don't take this the wrong way....I am not trying to judge you!! I am not trying to be harsh!! I'm only trying to be honest and share some of my life's experiences. First, let me start by saying I am 51 and a mother of a 28 year old daughter. i have been through the good and bad boyfriends (sadly we all have had them)!!

PLEASE DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT!!! You are worth so much more than this. You deserve someone that is going to treat you with the utmost respect in all aspects of your life. I know you are probably thinking "This is such a small thing. He's so wonderful with everything else." Believe me when I tell you there is nothing 'small' about disrespecting YOU!!! EVER!!!

I have been with my husband for 30 years. If I knew then what I know now......


"You teach people how to treat you!!"

...

so, cook some meals, control your portions, stop with the "no junk food demands", buy some carrots to eat between meals, and realize you will be out of there in 3-6 months.

...

All of this post is pretty much exactly what I'd say, I understand it doesn't feel wonderful to have him side with his mum so strongly, but if it's something that is quintessentially her-cooking for, and enjoying family meals (with family that also enjoy it) then really, it must sound to him as though you're attacking her personally. You're living in their home, so asking them to change if it isn't what they want isn't the way to do things.

I'd suggest cooking for yourself if you can, or at least sometimes. Maybe try controlling your portion otherwise by having a small salad or vegetables cooked and eating those with your meal, and less of the pasta on offer. It's up to you. I cook a separate meal for myself every day as I have allergies and those around me eat things that don't suit.

Mammismo !!!
You do realize he's italian ? And you are critisizing his italian mom's cooking? while you live in her house??
Please oh please do NOT get between a man & his italian mom's cooking !!

best to be respectful, otherwise it will be become a big power struggle.

I am 5'1, 27 and weight about 150. I need to get down to a healthy weight about 125. My father just got diagnosed with diabetes and I want to avoid a similar fate. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years, and for the first 2 years 9 months of it, we lived 70 miles apart. I was at my goal weight when we met, and the stress of the long distance made me gain quite a bit of weight. I've been able to lose 10 lbs and keep it off, but I cannot break this 150 mark.

In august I moved out here, and in with him and his parents. (he's 26 and lives at home, thinks its totally social norm) and I'm the idiot who agreed to it. His mom is Italian, cooks all the time, cooks pasta all the time, cooks dessert all the time. Keeps gummy snacks, Cheetos, chips, you name it and it lives somewhere on a counter in this house. My boyfriend and I have been going to the gym together, since he has some weight to lose as well.

But when I express my frustration at how hard it is to focus on losing weight, he just judges me and tells me I need better will power, and need to resist and just eat little bits of everything. I explain to him that there are healthier ways than pasta crap every single night, but he says I'm being mean and saying his mom is a terrible person. Which is not what I say at all, I tell him that it is extremely, extremely difficult to lose weight with all this stuff around. I just started to see their family doctor, and he told me he'd like to see me lose some weight, but noted that it would be difficult since he knows how she is. He freaked out at me.

I just am trying so hard, and when I voice my frustrations I get criticized so harshly that I'm starting to wonder if it is just me, maybe I am just super weak and stupid. I don't know. I just needed to get some advice from someone outside this crazy house.

Oh, and for the life record, we are planning to look for a house after the new year, he has to make sure we still work well together living together. (even though I've explained living together with ones parents is not a fair judgement of how living together just the two of us would be. I live under a strict microscope.)

Anywho, thanks for your advice.

Despite your mention@highlighted ~ you should really consider MOVING OUT asap. The situation is TOXIC all around. You do not need to be sabotaged with your diet and your man's family do not deserve to be judged for eating the way they do in their family home.

Frankly, NOTHING is WRONG with pasta or Italian Food or even Cheetos. You'd already stated in your very first post on MFP that you do not have self-control ~grabbing breakfast on the go@Burger King choosing the sausage biscuit + hash browns. Personally, I feel nothing was even remotely damaging when you chose to eat this ~ if your calories and macros for that day permitted you a splurge. I'm going to assume that your man's Italian mother and family were nowhere near you when you'd made this self-declared faux-pas ~ Yes?

To lose the vanity weight you'd gained over the course of your relationship with your man, YOU have to be the active player. Accept the blame when it is yours. You serve your plate and you are responsible for any food(s) that passes through your mouth ~not his mother. To lose YOUR weight, you NEED to WANT to. No more EXCUSES.


Have you considered charting your eats? Everything that passes through your lips should be weighed and logged. If you aren't losing, despite the food selection availed you ~ it is the portioning you're consuming that is at the epi-centre of your fat weight loss problem and not the support system. Any meal plan should help you lose weight IF you maintain your required deficits. Eat at a surplus and your body will live to tell the tale.

Good luck and I do apologise if I sound a tad harsh. Food fear mongering is a personal peeve.

I love pasta

I love pasta

you are a very good advertisement for pasta. shes 42 people. bam.

oh and yes, don't diss pasta.

With the limited info we have, I agree with getting out of the house. You don't necessarily have to break up with your boyfriend, but at least move out on your own. Then insist that he moves out on his own too. This will give you a chance to see how he manages his own life without mom's help, and you'll have full control of your own surroundings. Only after at least several months of this, think about living together again--probably just as renters to start.

Your situation sounds pretty overwhelming, and if it continues you're going to continue to have a really hard time. Given that your boyfriend's mum takes offense when you want to cook for yourself, and is shoving food on you, I think the best outcome would be for you to move into your own place where you are not a) dependent on someone else to feed you and b) where you won't offend anyone by having to repeatedly turn down food.

Like you I would find all that food too much temptation, so I think his comments about 'you need to grow some willpower' are extremely unhelpful, and demonstrates that he has no idea how hard you are finding it. In a previous relationship my boyfriend used to say things like that after I'd tell him not to bring home junk food all the time, and it constantly made me feel like there was something wrong with me that I couldn't stop myself from picking at all the open food.

In my current relationship I am in charge of cooking, my boyfriend is supportive of my desire to lose weight, and I am seeing results. The environment you are living in has such a huge impact on your lifestyle, so if you are serious about losing the weight and can't avoid the food then I think your only option is to get out. Good luck!

Perhaps quite a few of you misunderstood me. I was not criticizing pasta as a whole, but my mother in law does push the food onto everyone. You can tell her no and still have a plate of stuff in front of you, which is disrespectful. Her cooking is very good, but all I said to him was that "it is very difficult to lose weight in a house like this" just looking for some affirmation.

I got screamed at, saying I was insulting her cooking. Actually no, i was actually praising her cooking and saying it is a huge temptation for me, because it is so good. I do try to cook for myself, and when I do, she gets INCREDIBLY OFFENDED. I bought light mayo to make tuna and crackers for myself and she literally went on for 20 minutes yesterday telling me how much mayo she had and why was I wasting my money, and OMG did you know there was food and holy crap, did you forget I make food and other such nonsense.

SO yes, I do cook for myself, even though I have to fight battle royale for my salad dressing because I am consuming something she didn't make or purchase. Its very a difficult situation.

PS to everyone who thinks I hate pasta. If I hated pasta, I probably wouldn't have 25 lbs to lose.

Thank you to everyone else who was being very supportive. I appreciate the real answers as well, of course I realize that I have consumed too many calories and whatnot , but having an unhealthy or nonexistant support system is very difficult. I have asked my mother in law to respect me when I turn down food, and she said she would, and yet, i'm in my room, finished breakfast, and she comes up with pancakes and sausage after I said no 4 times. (not even making that up.. how sad) So then i have to be hurtful and wasteful because she doesn't respect my "no Thank you, I just ate"

Thanks again to those who say maybe this isn't the best. And Toxic is an excellent word to describe this.

Good morning :flowerforyou: Your plight is nothing short of 2 positive charges repelling each other. Your future Mother-in-Law in your boyfriend's mother is feeding you out of love; She's Italian. It's part and parcel of who they are, how they come, with how they are nurtured to communicate Love. You on the other hand are obviously trying to shed your vanity weight for Love, to be the best bodied you for your man, which is likely why you're screaming for help, declaring war on his Mum from a 3rd person perspective.

From my vantage point, analysing your situation, from what you've selectively shared here, I see another solution. If it is imperative you choose to stay in his family residence to prove to him, as you'd stated earlier, that your relationship is for the long haul and that the 2 of you are capable of making this work and moving in together, to take that giant step of purchasing a house, your home together, then you'd better suck it up and modify "the you" and become an Amoeba. Adjust your workout regimen to accommodate her; Her ways, her life, her home, her kitchen, for the Love you carry for her son. Prove to him you love her. He knows you love him. This is his Mama-litmus on you. The question you should ask yourself is, "Why does he feel it prudent to test you?" Now if he's testing you, pass the test if you love him. Some guys, love them, you love their Mama. A rejection of their Mums is an outright rejection of them. Love comes with Respect. If you want respect, you have to communicate your definitions and parameters of respect. This is likely, a culture clash. How much do you love him? How much will you tolerate for him?

How do you pass the litmus test in your declared warzone? HIIT. Eat what she puts on the table. Eat when she's present, so that you aren't having to say, you've eaten. To feed you despite your declaration of "I've eaten," and "No thank you," she is probably interpreting it as you being polite, which is a positive for you. HIIT is your solution. Workout before you know you will be offered food or eat first, wait 15 mins to half an hour (+/-), then proceed with your HIIT programme. Your solution is earning yourself more consumption calories; Earning your calories for Love. Your man is declaring that you are ungrateful. Ref your 2nd post, "You should be grateful that Mom keeps chips and juice and cookies around, alot of people would love to have *that* kind of problem"

Example@HIIT http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iyBP7ZIx6Q

I am of the mind, that you are one of the more fortunate 20-somethings. Your man is man enough to have the ability and the savings and the credit worthiness to enable him to purchase a home. Being 20-something, you're both part of the Lost-Generation. They have no hope in your Generation to survive the rigours of financial constraints and demands; A Generation purported to be riddled with a life of temp work and short-term employment with little to no credit; No fall back plan, no future. He negates this! In this regard, I deplore the statement that he isn't man enough to move out. He is man enough to not be debt-ridden. How many men his age can afford to buy a home? Italian parents always pitch in. How much of the down-payment will your boyfriend's Mum contribute towards your starter family home as a couple? He knows the sum. Your man living at his family residence is enabling the big shift. You will be homeowners because of his sacrifice. A man, not a boy. A man whose good with money. Your man is likely choosing to spend what you would on rent on your mortgage. Mortgage is Family; Rent is Singlehood ~ You choose. He has! He is man enough to move you into and from his family residence to your starter family home as a couple ~ Look at it as a Rite of Passage. It's a positive not a negative. Your man is a man as you well know, raised well by his Mama. The Love she bears for you both is proof of how much she recognises of how much he loves you. If for nothing else, try to find the will to accommodate her because of the love she sees he bears for you. If she didn't like you, you wouldn't be in the house. If she'd disrespected you, she'd care not for your nourishment. Make this work. You have a good man. And if that's him in the reflection ~ gurl, he gorgeous! Your man is fine. Suck it up and hit HIIT harrd. Focus.

Okay, it's pathetic that he still lives at home and has his parents cook for him. Dump him, find your own place. Well past time to grow up. You're wasting your time with this loser and his fat family.

I'm only 20 and there is nothing, NOTHING, that would entice me to move back in with my parents or anyone else's. Get a job. Rent an apartment. I did that the very instant I turned 18. Even before I moved out, I was buying and cooking my own food. Seriously, he sounds extremely pathetic. Do you want to date a little boy or a man?

Good morning :flowerforyou: Your plight is nothing short of 2 positive charges repelling each other. Your future Mother-in-Law in your boyfriend's mother is feeding you out of love; She's Italian. It's part and parcel of who they are, how they come, with how they are nurtured to communicate Love. You on the other hand are obviously trying to shed your vanity weight for Love, to be the best bodied you for your man, which is likely why you're screaming for help, declaring war on his Mum from a 3rd person perspective.

From my vantage point, analysing your situation, from what you've selectively shared here, I see another solution. If it is imperative you choose to stay in his family residence to prove to him, as you'd stated earlier, that your relationship is for the long haul and that the 2 of you are capable of making this work and moving in together, to take that giant step of purchasing a house, your home together, then you'd better suck it up and modify "the you" and become an Amoeba. Adjust your workout regimen to accommodate her; Her ways, her life, her home, her kitchen, for the Love you carry for her son. Prove to him you love her. He knows you love him. This is his Mama-litmus on you. The question you should ask yourself is, "Why does he feel it prudent to test you?" Now if he's testing you, pass the test if you love him. Some guys, love them, you love their Mama. A rejection of their Mums is an outright rejection of them. Love comes with Respect. If you want respect, you have to communicate your definitions and parameters of respect. This is likely, a culture clash. How much do you love him? How much will you tolerate for him?

How do you pass the litmus test in your declared warzone? HIIT. Eat what she puts on the table. Eat when she's present, so that you aren't having to say, you've eaten. To feed you despite your declaration of "I've eaten," and "No thank you," she is probably interpreting it as you being polite, which is a positive for you. HIIT is your solution. Workout before you know you will be offered food or eat first, wait 15 mins to half an hour (+/-), then proceed with your HIIT programme. Your solution is earning yourself more consumption calories; Earning your calories for Love. Your man is declaring that you are ungrateful. Ref your 2nd post, "You should be grateful that Mom keeps chips and juice and cookies around, alot of people would love to have *that* kind of problem"

Example@HIIT http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iyBP7ZIx6Q

I am of the mind, that you are one of the more fortunate 20-somethings. Your man is man enough to have the ability and the savings and the credit worthiness to enable him to purchase a home. Being 20-something, you're both part of the Lost-Generation. They have no hope in your Generation to survive the rigours of financial constraints and demands; A Generation purported to be riddled with a life of temp work and short-term employment with little to no credit; No fall back plan, no future. He negates this! In this regard, I deplore the statement that he isn't man enough to move out. He is man enough to not be debt-ridden. How many men his age can afford to buy a home? Italian parents always pitch in. How much of the down-payment will your boyfriend's Mum contribute towards your starter family home as a couple? He knows the sum. Your man living at his family residence is enabling the big shift. You will be homeowners because of his sacrifice. A man, not a boy. A man whose good with money. Your man is likely choosing to spend what you would on rent on your mortgage. Mortgage is Family; Rent is Singlehood ~ You choose. He has! He is man enough to move you into and from his family residence to your starter family home as a couple ~ Look at it as a Rite of Passage. It's a positive not a negative. Your man is a man as you well know, raised well by his Mama. The Love she bears for you both is proof of how much she recognises of how much he loves you. If for nothing else, try to find the will to accommodate her because of the love she sees he bears for you. If she didn't like you, you wouldn't be in the house. If she'd disrespected you, she'd care not for your nourishment. Make this work. You have a good man. And if that's him in the reflection ~ gurl, he gorgeous! Your man is fine. Suck it up and hit HIIT harrd. Focus.

I'm sorry, but are FKM with this cr*p?? Please tell me you are. :noway:

ETA: The woman in those videos is scary skinny. Like: Anorexic IMO.

there is so much in that that i would re-evaluate the whole relationship , but that is just me.

and basiclly only have this to go on.

I should think the major concern here is that you have given up your previous life and changed everything to move to him. Does not sound like he has changed much of anything to meet you half way here. You are living in his mothers house, you need to follow his mothers rules, but waiting until you know you can live together hardly seems fair when you already took that leap of faith by moving to him. Sounds like you want to make this work with him, but that unfortunately means accepting that you are not about to lose any of that weight until you move out. I'd suggest adding as much exercise to your schedule as you can reasonably manage and focus on getting that body strong and healthy so when its time to change your diet you will be in an overall healthier position to do so.

Good luck!