Damned if I do, Damned if I don't

Your wife and family should support your decisions to lose weight and be healthy. My husband knows how I feel about losing weight and whole heartedly supports me. We eat the meals I cook no matter what I cook and if one doesnt like something then they simply dont eat it. I do portion out my own meals and let him decide how much he wants. I may be reletively new to marriage myself but it baffles me how someone can't be more supportive of such an important lifestyle change. She just seems like being unreasonable to me. But it all does play into your own family dymatics. This is just my family and my own beliefs. You may just have to cook your own meals and have her do maybe basic prep for you.

I have been married for 7 years and am the father of 3 sons. I work and my wife is a full time mommy. Recently I told my wife that I didn't want to eat what she makes for dinner because it takes a lot of time to enter it all in as a recipe and she doesn't always cook "healthy". She didn't like this. She said I have to eat what she makes. Also a few other women-friends on mfp said the same. They said it was basically part of being married. So this morning my wife says she is going to make pancakes. I figured that 2 pancakes and some eggs probably won't break the calorie bank so I didn't say anything and enjoyed the food. After finishing she told me that she made the pancakes with half-and-half instead of milk, and butter instead of oil. It didn't really upset me but I told her that was frustrating because I don't think I would have eaten them if she would have told me before. An argument erupted with me telling her that I don't think she supports my weight loss goals and her telling me that I don't appreciate the effort she puts in to cooking.

I'd love to know what people think about our situation. Are we both in the wrong? And is it wrong for me to make my own food? I think the best solution is for me to make my own food, not because I don't like what she makes, but because that gives me the most control over my diet. Thanks for your thoughts.

Okay, first of all, cooking is a major pain in the *kitten*, isn't very rewarding, and when people refuse to eat it for some reason, there can be major hurt feelings. (Source: I live with three picky eaters.) When you're a stay at home mommy, you don't get the same rewards that other people do for going to out of the house jobs, and you live with TOTALLY unreasonable people who throw fits at the drop of a hat. Now, that all said, of course you don't have to eat what she cooks. It's NOT part of "being married". "Being married" is as individual as every couple who attempt it. The most important thing in this situation is honest communication from both sides. Personally though, WHO THE EFFIN' HELL MAKES PANCAKES WITH HALF N HALF????? That seems like deliberate sabotage to me. The butter vrs. oil thing is calorically neutral, but half n half?? I've never even heard of that.

When it comes down to it, whatever you guys work out that you can both live with and feel good about is what works. Currently my husband makes some of the meals for he and the boys, and I make some of them for all of us. I generally eat something different than them because I'm at a point in my diet when I'm trying to maximise my lean muscle retention and my macros are pretty nitpicky right now. Plus I'm on a grilled salmon kick. I could get my knickers all in a twist because "nobody likes the healthy food I make" but it's easier to just do my own thing and take any frustration out on my bike or the trail.

This. Well said. I too "heard" some passive-aggressiveness in that she told you about the half and half AFTER you had eaten them. If she were supportive, she would have let you know beforehand.

It's a lot of work to plan, shop, prepare, and clean up after daily cooking. If your wife does all or most of the cooking you are better off for it. At least you don't have to eat out or eat processed foods.

In the long run you will have better success keeping your weight off if your work this out with your wife.

It's a complete pain in the but to enter recipes but you can do it. In all likelihood she prepares the same handful of meals over and over again so after a three or four weeks you will have the bulk of meals entered. It is tedious, but do it and get it over with. It is also super tedious to be questioned daily about what you cooked and how you did it. Sympathize with your wife for this up front and offer some help ---maybe do the dishes! Changing habits is hard and it sounds like this isn't a big priority for her right now. Starting small may be the way to go. Don't sweat this small stuff.

There are some very reasonable things you and your wife could do to make things easier:

Ask her to be consistent with the recipes
Plate your own food
Enter the recipes into MFP
Find out the menu for the week or day in advance
Shop for and prepare some of your own snacks and meals
<add your own her>

I have been married for 7 years and am the father of 3 sons. I work and my wife is a full time mommy. Recently I told my wife that I didn't want to eat what she makes for dinner because it takes a lot of time to enter it all in as a recipe and she doesn't always cook "healthy". She didn't like this. She said I have to eat what she makes. Also a few other women-friends on mfp said the same. They said it was basically part of being married. So this morning my wife says she is going to make pancakes. I figured that 2 pancakes and some eggs probably won't break the calorie bank so I didn't say anything and enjoyed the food. After finishing she told me that she made the pancakes with half-and-half instead of milk, and butter instead of oil. It didn't really upset me but I told her that was frustrating because I don't think I would have eaten them if she would have told me before. An argument erupted with me telling her that I don't think she supports my weight loss goals and her telling me that I don't appreciate the effort she puts in to cooking.

I'd love to know what people think about our situation. Are we both in the wrong? And is it wrong for me to make my own food? I think the best solution is for me to make my own food, not because I don't like what she makes, but because that gives me the most control over my diet. Thanks for your thoughts.

here are my thoughts....(first, let me say that I didn't read other responses) :blushing:

If I were you, I might find a way to make it work for the sake of marriage considering it's about compromise.
You could've had pancakes & fresh fruit, you could've added additional exercise to increase your caloric budget or went for a walk after breakfast.

Roll with it a bit and try to be resilient. I understand deal breakers when they happen, but I don't think this is one.
You two can work it out :drinker:

edited for typos

Your wife and family should support your decisions to lose weight and be healthy. My husband knows how I feel about losing weight and whole heartedly supports me. We eat the meals I cook no matter what I cook and if one doesnt like something then they simply dont eat it. I do portion out my own meals and let him decide how much he wants. I may be reletively new to marriage myself but it baffles me how someone can't be more supportive of such an important lifestyle change. She just seems like being unreasonable to me. But it all does play into your own family dymatics. This is just my family and my own beliefs. You may just have to cook your own meals and have her do maybe basic prep for you.

There will come a time when you will understand. In newlywed phase first year support is always there. As you get out of that phase you learn that you don't always have that support. After all you are two different people. My husband supports me eating healthy but will not go to the gym with me. He supports but does not participate. You can not force your spouse to eat what you want to eat all the time. I tell him what he's eating so he can decide if he wants to participate. I have him taste it then I tell him what it is and he tells wether he likes it or not. My support for him is making sure I fix what he will eat in the guidelines that I have. For example I can't eat bread so last night I mad hamburgers. Told him he can add bread if he wanted to. My point is it's your lifestyle change not your spouses. You can't force your spouse to make a change even if you know it's better for him. I only succeeded once and that was smoking because the cigarette smoke made me sick and I told him if he ever wanted to kiss me again then he would have to stop. And he did. Yes you do have support in a relationship but possibly not what you are thinking support is. Support can be something as little as fixing a meal that you can modify that he will like also.

You are a big boy, you can make your own food.

First and foremost, she's actively undermining your efforts to eat healthy. I don't know you or your wife, so I can't say why. Having been married for 33 years myself, however, I will say this: your relationship has become toxic. You really should seek out counselling ASAP. It just ain't normal to resist or subvert the efforts of someone you claim to love to lead a healthier lifestyle................

Yeah, I completely agree.

You have to have a talk with her IMO. If you tell her that you'd rather eat healthier and then she gets mad that you don't eat the unhealthy things she makes, it's on her, IMO. I kinda see both sides, I'd be upset if I made dinner and hubby didn't want it, but if he told me that he's trying to eat healthier, and I'm ignoring it, I really can't complain about it, can I?

My husband made catfish with cornmeal on top a couple months back. I was pretty annoyed, because that's extra calories I didn't need, and, well, he should know better by now. I ate it anyway (I had spare calories), but told him not to add any next time. So now he makes a portion without for me (we both do the cooking). Otherwise I would have to remove the top, or not eat it. But if he makes noodles or couscous and I don't have the calories for it, I just don't have any, and it doesn't bother him. We don't really make fancy recipes though.

Okay. Is she the only cook in the house. I will say this I am and I can completely see where she's coming from. First of all she cooks to show you affection so for you to say you didn't like it or it wasn't healthy enough so you probably wouldn't have ate it if you had known would be saying her affection wasn't good enough. Weird huh. Us women never claimed to be logical. We are very emotional creatures now if it had been me and my hubby said that to me I would have been in the bedroom balling and feeling unappreciative. I have a thing called the husband approval. When rob goes back for seconds I know I did good. I'm not the only person who has that. Healthy no but rewarding yes because I spent the time to cook and he showed his appreciation for it by going back for seconds. Never said we weren't weird either. My suggestion is to apologize and let her know they were very delicious but did not fit your lifestyle. Help her in the kitchen. If my hubby would come help me cook at night the whole world would come to a screeching halt as I loved on him. It's an emotional connection thing. I have learned to use the recipe part of the diary. If there is a recipe we like I log it in so that I can still only have to make that kind of entry once. Any other time we fix it it is already loaded. The main thing is see if you can help her cook. Avid cookers don't always have what they need to make that item on hand so we substitute in order to continue instead of having to go to the store early in the morning. Is it a possibility that maybe y'all were out of milk and oil and so she substituted for those because there just happened to be half and half in the fridge? Just curious. Is it a part of married life.....no in the fact that you don't have to eat what your spouse fixes. On an emotional level yes because she is looking for that connection that says what she made in love you enjoyed.

I LOVED this! I am a stay-at-home-mom and I could not have said it better! Cooking is a form of affection and if my kids or bf do not like what I cooked, it is a blow to me emotionally and if they loved what I cooked, then I feel proud of myself and that I accomplished something. It is my pat-on-the-back!

No offence to you but just because you see cooking as a sign of affection doesn't mean your family will realise that. If you want pats on the back give them to yourself but don't demand them or resent it if someone in your family doesn't like what you prepared. I think calling other people not liking/liking what you made a blow or an accomplishment is quiet needy.

I make the majority of meals in our house and will tweak them to make sure everybody has a healthy meal they like, I don't believe in forcing someone into eating something they don't like or in my coeliac husbands case can't eat.

Okay. Is she the only cook in the house. I will say this I am and I can completely see where she's coming from. First of all she cooks to show you affection so for you to say you didn't like it or it wasn't healthy enough so you probably wouldn't have ate it if you had known would be saying her affection wasn't good enough. Weird huh. Us women never claimed to be logical. We are very emotional creatures now if it had been me and my hubby said that to me I would have been in the bedroom balling and feeling unappreciative. I have a thing called the husband approval. When rob goes back for seconds I know I did good. I'm not the only person who has that. Healthy no but rewarding yes because I spent the time to cook and he showed his appreciation for it by going back for seconds. Never said we weren't weird either. My suggestion is to apologize and let her know they were very delicious but did not fit your lifestyle. Help her in the kitchen. If my hubby would come help me cook at night the whole world would come to a screeching halt as I loved on him. It's an emotional connection thing. I have learned to use the recipe part of the diary. If there is a recipe we like I log it in so that I can still only have to make that kind of entry once. Any other time we fix it it is already loaded. The main thing is see if you can help her cook. Avid cookers don't always have what they need to make that item on hand so we substitute in order to continue instead of having to go to the store early in the morning. Is it a possibility that maybe y'all were out of milk and oil and so she substituted for those because there just happened to be half and half in the fridge? Just curious. Is it a part of married life.....no in the fact that you don't have to eat what your spouse fixes. On an emotional level yes because she is looking for that connection that says what she made in love you enjoyed.

I LOVED this! I am a stay-at-home-mom and I could not have said it better! Cooking is a form of affection and if my kids or bf do not like what I cooked, it is a blow to me emotionally and if they loved what I cooked, then I feel proud of myself and that I accomplished something. It is my pat-on-the-back!

No offence to you but just because you see cooking as a sign of affection doesn't mean your family will realise that. If you want pats on the back give them to yourself but don't demand them or resent it if someone in your family doesn't like what you prepared. I think calling other people not liking/liking what you made a blow or an accomplishment is quiet needy.

I make the majority of meals in our house and will tweak them to make sure everybody has a healthy meal they like, I don't believe in forcing someone into eating something they don't like or in my coeliac husbands case can't eat.

No offence taken
LOL, I never said I was in the right or logical. I have issues with food, which is why I am here in the first place lol. I don't force anyone to eat what I cook. I cook what MOST people in the house will eat and enjoy. But I also cook on a budget, and cannot afford to make every one of them a separate meal. Bottom line, baked chicken nuggets or a small pizza isn't going to kill us. My bf and I just have to learn portion control and self-restraint. If any one of us had a disease, that would be different, and cannot even be compared to his situation or mine.

OK, so I read some of the women's responses on here and I don't necessarily agree...yes it probably did hurt your wife's feelings a little bit with what you said in the beginning of your post but I don't agree with her saying you just have to eat what she makes and then she used more fattening ingredients in her breakfast after telling her you wanted to eat healthier. I don't think that was right and personally I think it was mean....why would she use those ingredients after you told her u wanted to lose. I would be hurt if I were u and I understand you are upset. I do agree with the first response in the sense that she told you to have a heart to heart with your wife. after your children are in bed in the evening....tell her how you feel from your heart (not in a mean way) and tell her how important it is to you to lose weight so you can be a better husband, father and person.

Finally a female that's not a unreasonable witch.

I have read ALL of the responses and here is something that I did not see. Could it be that she doesn't want to have you loose weight because she could be afraid that she would loose you. There are so many men out there that are that way and there are just as many women that way as well. I also agree with everyone that you need to apologize for not correctly communicating what you are trying to do. Are you letting her know that you are wanting to get healthy to be around longer for the family? Did you ask her if she thought that it would be great if the whole family slowly starts eating healthier and talk about getting new recipes or checking out books, web sites or on here for healthier recipes? If she is over weight, then why not tell her you want to do it with her so that it can spice up your lives as lovers? I mean spicing it up and making her feel loved and wanted might be what she needs. She could seriously be thinking that you want to get thinner to attract someone new and it not be her. If my husband stated things as you did, well, he wouldn't have gotten a chance to make another post on here until he came out of the coma my iron skillet put him in. She sounds hurt and pissed off for sure and I can't blame her. As far as you and the putting recipes in takes too long..... suck it up and be a man not some whining whimpering boy. We all have to do it just like everyone on here has said. My husband says he supports me and says yes to my healthier recipes and then either says he doesn't want it or fixes himself something else. We had pizza with his father {who is skinny} and I ate 2 slices but it was for 2 of my meals. My husband had 4 1/2 slices, over half of a 14 box of chicken wings and 2 pieces of crust, a small container of ranch dressing and one of pizza sauce. I about died because he says he is dieting with me. I do not call it dieting, i binge eat if I do. I am changing my eating habits and trying to eat healthier. I have also found that I can have some of the not so healthy foods but in moderation. So you can either eat smaller portions of her foods or cook for yourself. But you do seriously need to grow up and accept getting healthy takes boring work like entering in the recipes. You also need to look at it as if your wife decided out of no where she wanted to loose weight and you were the cook and she said all that to you. So saving you at least 1 session with a counselor there. I still feel like there is a fear of loosing you in there. You get out and interact with others while she is there. Most of the time when a man starts something like loosing weight, it is to attract another lover. If your doctor told you to do this, why did you not let her go back with you or set up another appointment to have him talk to you both about what is wrong with you and future outcome if you do not loose the weight. So many options that can help you, her, the kids, and keep your marriage from heading into a worse disaster than you have already created. Now I want to add this is just my opinion of the situation and you are a grown *kitten* man who can do what he wants.

Annbillingsle, I get what you mean, I suppose for me I have reached the stage where I consider my weight problems while, not a disease, a definite health problem. I just think it's a shame that the ops wife is allowing her pride to stop her husband eating the meals he feels will be beneficial to him.

I think I am empathising more with the op because I know how hard dieting can be, it would be easy for him to throw in the towel and say " I'm not able to diet because it will upset my wife". I think he deserves a pat on the back for trying to find a way around this.

If you learn the secret to self restraint, will you please share with me, I need a dose of it.;-)

I have read ALL of the responses and here is something that I did not see. Could it be that she doesn't want to have you loose weight because she could be afraid that she would loose you. There are so many men out there that are that way and there are just as many women that way as well. I also agree with everyone that you need to apologize for not correctly communicating what you are trying to do. Are you letting her know that you are wanting to get healthy to be around longer for the family? Did you ask her if she thought that it would be great if the whole family slowly starts eating healthier and talk about getting new recipes or checking out books, web sites or on here for healthier recipes? If she is over weight, then why not tell her you want to do it with her so that it can spice up your lives as lovers? I mean spicing it up and making her feel loved and wanted might be what she needs. She could seriously be thinking that you want to get thinner to attract someone new and it not be her. If my husband stated things as you did, well, he wouldn't have gotten a chance to make another post on here until he came out of the coma my iron skillet put him in. She sounds hurt and pissed off for sure and I can't blame her. As far as you and the putting recipes in takes too long..... suck it up and be a man not some whining whimpering boy. We all have to do it just like everyone on here has said. My husband says he supports me and says yes to my healthier recipes and then either says he doesn't want it or fixes himself something else. We had pizza with his father {who is skinny} and I ate 2 slices but it was for 2 of my meals. My husband had 4 1/2 slices, over half of a 14 box of chicken wings and 2 pieces of crust, a small container of ranch dressing and one of pizza sauce. I about died because he says he is dieting with me. I do not call it dieting, i binge eat if I do. I am changing my eating habits and trying to eat healthier. I have also found that I can have some of the not so healthy foods but in moderation. So you can either eat smaller portions of her foods or cook for yourself. But you do seriously need to grow up and accept getting healthy takes boring work like entering in the recipes. You also need to look at it as if your wife decided out of no where she wanted to loose weight and you were the cook and she said all that to you. So saving you at least 1 session with a counselor there. I still feel like there is a fear of loosing you in there. You get out and interact with others while she is there. Most of the time when a man starts something like loosing weight, it is to attract another lover. If your doctor told you to do this, why did you not let her go back with you or set up another appointment to have him talk to you both about what is wrong with you and future outcome if you do not loose the weight. So many options that can help you, her, the kids, and keep your marriage from heading into a worse disaster than you have already created. Now I want to add this is just my opinion of the situation and you are a grown *kitten* man who can do what he wants.

I agree!!!! He needs to look at it from HER point of view as much as she needs to look at it from HIS. I lost 200 lbs and I can tell you personally that how I felt for my then-husband changed because my self-esteem went way up. What I put up with at 451 lbs was NOT what I put up with at 251 lbs. I know from experience that losing weight CAN be the demise of a relationship.

Annbillingsle, I get what you mean, I suppose for me I have reached the stage where I consider my weight problems while, not a disease, a definite health problem. I just think it's a shame that the ops wife is allowing her pride to stop her husband eating the meals he feels will be beneficial to him.

I think I am empathising more with the op because I know how hard dieting can be, it would be easy for him to throw in the towel and say " I'm not able to diet because it will upset my wife". I think he deserves a pat on the back for trying to find a way around this.

If you learn the secret to self restraint, will you please share with me, I need a dose of it.;-)

In my case, my bf insisting I change my entire way of shopping, cooking and eating was a HUGE trigger for my eating issues. I HAD to face them in order to cook healthier instead of just sticking my head in the sand and eating like calories didn't matter. the OP's wife, from how he made it sound, seems like she has issues with food as well(whether it be eating or how cooking makes her feel). She very well may have been triggered by this sudden revelation of his to change the way she cooks. I also know from experience that dramatic weight loss can ruin a relationship. I took a lot of crap from my ex because I didn't think I could find anything better or deserved anything better. When I lost 200 lbs from gastric bypass surgery, things changed. I finally stood up for myself and he left me and found someone else he could manipulate. Granted, it was the best thing for me, but a lot of us don't want to rock the boat like that. This new-found desire to be healthy, which many of us interpret as "look good", has probably shoved her insecurities to the forefront and she is dealing with them the only way she knows how. This is just a guess, mind you lol. Things are not always so black and white as to say she HAS to be supportive in the way HE wants her to be or she is a witch and unsupportive. Most of us would prefer our significant others to be around as long as possible, but we also have issues of our own to deal with, especially where food is concerned.

I keep all of my MFP stuff private and completely separate from my bf, who is also an mfp member. I feel this is my journey and should be completely detached from my relationship. I am working through many issues regarding food (I am a food addict and I binge eat) and self-esteem, so I need this to be all about ME and not my bf....and I feel the same should be said for him. If he wants to make this journey to a healthier him, he should not rely on my support because it is HIS journey. And at this point, I just don't have anything left emotionally to be his cheerleader. I support my bf by cooking healthier meals, weighing and measuring the foods that go into meals, and by not sabotaging him. If he cannot handle my level of support and respect that I have issues that *I* need to resolve as well to get healthier, I can't say or do anything more for him.

I do feel for the OP, because I had to make a decision to be a healthier me when my ex didn't want me to for fear he would lose me. And because of the gastric bypass, I have to follow certain "rules", so for me it is ALL about the protein and as few carbs that aren't veggies as possible. But because *I* chose the surgery to be healthier, doesn't give me the right to impose it on any other person....especially if I was not the cook. I would never tell my ex or my bf that I didn't like how they cooked....after 7 years of it being wonderful...HAS to change. That the way they plan meals...the way the shop HAS to change. If he wants to change, then he really should take the responsibility out of her hands and lead by example, rather then demanding she change. And my suggestion that he cook for the whole family was to get him to appreciate how difficult meal prep is for a family . Like I said previously, when my bf insisted I change my entire way of shopping and cooking to suit him, I told him that is fine, he can shop and prepare the meals for us all. AMAZING at how fast my cooking was just fine and he'd have to learn portion control instead of me doing it for him. lololol!