Damned if I do, Damned if I don't
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I'm sure you could have told her you didn't want to eat her meals in a nicer way and offered some alternatives that may have helped defuse the situation. But, the idea that you have to eat her meals and that's the end of it is wrong too, especially if she is not going to take into account your dietary needs. I shop for, prepare, and cook 95% of the meals in our household and I have to take into account 3 very different dietary needs. If my wife had been potentially looking at health problems absent some weight loss (let's face it, like you probably were at some point in the future), I think as a spouse I should take that into consideration when making meals, especially if she communicated to me that losing weight was important to her and her health.
If she really wants to cook for you, maybe you could outline some meals and their ingredients well ahead of time for her. That way she can plan ahead and you know what is in the meal. If she is not going to work with you, then cook your own meals like you are suggesting. Sometimes, my wife will eat something else or add/remove stuff to what I made. I don't see what the big deal is - I'm not her parent. Now, if she is going to be mean about it, then yeah, I'd probably get mad.0 -
How about you sit down together plan some meals for the week and then you go shopping with her? We sit down every Saturday morning and plan everything for the week and then go shopping together. Then we write everything on a board on the fridge so we don't deviate. We still have everything we've always eaten we've just tried to cut down the oil and I eat the correct portion not what I used to eat. I've just baked some scones (biscuits in the US?). I will be upset he says he doesn't like them.0
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Maybe instead of "i can't eat what you cook" Try "How about I help with the menu planning and the shopping so we can work together to eat healthier."0
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Yes I think I miss understood what you were trying to say. My hubby hates fish also. He spent four years in the coast guard. So fish is out of the question. I don't eat tuna when he's here because of the smell. Tuna has mercury so I don't eat it much anyways but you know the point I'm making. I apologize that misunderstood what you were trying to say.Your wife and family should support your decisions to lose weight and be healthy. My husband knows how I feel about losing weight and whole heartedly supports me. We eat the meals I cook no matter what I cook and if one doesnt like something then they simply dont eat it. I do portion out my own meals and let him decide how much he wants. I may be reletively new to marriage myself but it baffles me how someone can't be more supportive of such an important lifestyle change. She just seems like being unreasonable to me. But it all does play into your own family dymatics. This is just my family and my own beliefs. You may just have to cook your own meals and have her do maybe basic prep for you.
There will come a time when you will understand. In newlywed phase first year support is always there. As you get out of that phase you learn that you don't always have that support. After all you are two different people. My husband supports me eating healthy but will not go to the gym with me. He supports but does not participate. You can not force your spouse to eat what you want to eat all the time. I tell him what he's eating so he can decide if he wants to participate. I have him taste it then I tell him what it is and he tells wether he likes it or not. My support for him is making sure I fix what he will eat in the guidelines that I have. For example I can't eat bread so last night I mad hamburgers. Told him he can add bread if he wanted to. My point is it's your lifestyle change not your spouses. You can't force your spouse to make a change even if you know it's better for him. I only succeeded once and that was smoking because the cigarette smoke made me sick and I told him if he ever wanted to kiss me again then he would have to stop. And he did. Yes you do have support in a relationship but possibly not what you are thinking support is. Support can be something as little as fixing a meal that you can modify that he will like also.
I see what youre saying but I'm not quite sure you understand what I was trying to get across but what you said IS what we do. I'm not a person who says you know 'my way or the highway' I frequently make foods my husband likes and ask him what he wants to eat and I portion out my own food of that. I don't force him to eat anything... ever. Lol I find that quite rediculous.. for example he loves fish i hate fish he wants it i make it and i eat chicken instead.. I make foods he likes BUT healthier versions of them. As a family everyone can make changes in their eating habits. When it comes down to it its your own family dynamics. There needs to be improved communaction, understanding, support, and action. To us eating and exercising is a lifestyle which will foster other improvements in our relationship and family. We've always been together of several years living under this premise and so far its worked for us. But this is our family and this is what we do. We always make decisions together and act accordingly.0 -
Who makes pancakes with half and half?0
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stop complaining about wife and make your own meals ... your a grown man for gods sake !!0
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I would love to know if your wife is overweight or not. Yes, it does make a difference. If your wife is overweight and her cooking is not healthy for the children and you than all her hard work is senseless and selfish. Sorry guys. Part of being the cook in the family AND the parent is making healthy choices for those your responsible for. We never had fried foods when my kids were little. period. Even when I was a my biggest I did not cook fried food or use half and half in my pancakes. She owes YOU an apology for not being sensitive or supportive to YOUR needs as well. Find the book Emotional Blackmail and please read it. She is using those food choices to emotionally blackmail you and probably doesnt even realize it. You need to figure out why and how to handle it.0
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I don't think my husband would ever not eat what I cooked for him. He is just happy I cook at all!
That being said, I want to eat healthy for myself. So, 99 times out of 100, my dinners are very healthy.
But still, you have someone planning and cooking for you, that is awesome! You are approaching it completely wrong. You need to tell her how important it is for you to be healthy but don't tell her "you're no longer eating what she is making"... That would hurt my feelings, especially since if I didn't have a husband to cook for I probably wouldn't cook as extensive and thoughtfully prepared meals, I would just cook what I wanted or what was easiest for me.0 -
My only real advice would be to consider how you are going to eat at goal. Are you going to go back to eating her cooking? Is your idea to feed yourself temporary to lose weight? If so, I would advise continuing to eat what she makes and exercising portion control. It'll be easier to keep it off in maintenance if you learn to do it now.
As for apology, if you were rude, apologize. Don't apologize for offering to feed yourself. I was a SAHM for awhile. I would've been through the roof happy if my hubby had offered to do the cooking. Other alternative would be to alternate cooking days giving her some time off.0 -
Reason #541 to never get married: Spouse thinks they have a right to control what you eat. :huh:0
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I have been married 21.5 years and you owe each other an apology. You should have been nicer this morning and she should have been up front with you about what is in your food. It's CRAP that couples can't be honest with each other. And it's CRAP if my husband hurts my feelings he has to grovel to make it better. I hurt his feelings sometimes too; that's the way life works. A simple apology should from you should suffice, but you will probably have to apologize before she does. Explain to her that you need her cooperation to get healthy and live long enough to raise your kids to adulthood and spoil your grandchildren.
I know a 40 year old who had to have bypass surgery 8 days ago and a 48 year old who had a stroke this summer and is still unable to work. If she wants you to live a healthy life and she doesn't want to have to raise 3 kids and nurse you, she'll help you. If she won't help you, then cook for yourself. She'll get over it or get with it. Yes that sounds harsh, but I have four kids and work outside my home, and if my husband asked me to cook differently after a day at work to help him be more healthy, I would do it and I wouldn't complain. Because I do the cooking (with the help of my teen daughter, to give her her due) , I have a lot of control about what goes in it. Sometimes I order them pizza because they want it and I eat a salad for myself. Sometimes I eat a smaller portion of their less healthy food. Sometimes we all eat turkey chili.0 -
I don't think she's trying to sabotage you - fat is not the enemy
e.g. I'd much rather have butter than oil (and I'm in the uk so I don't really know what half n half is but I'd imagine our equivelent is full fat milk - again no problem) - it's just up to you to control your portion size.
It can be a pain entering all the ingredients but once they are there it's easy to use them again.
Instead of cooking for yourself, why not make a meal for both of you once or twice a week and if the big dinners are really bothering you, I'm sure you can juggle your lunch and snacks to make everything balance out.
You sound like you've got a real thing for so-called 'health food' - most foods are fine in moderation and your wife is right to make her own meals (even though you have to enter loads of different ingredients) - that's much better than eating pre-packaged stuff that tries to pass itself off as healthy because it's 'reduced fat' 'x% fat free' 'half the fat' etc.
Like others have said - get the missus involved in what your doing and get yourself involved in the kitchen - she might learn you something 0 -
That is a tough situation to be in. Yes, I think I would make my own food if I were you. You want to be healthy and until she gets on board and starts cooking healthy, you really don't have much choice. If she is also overweight, you might suggest she get healthy with you. Gently of course. Very gently.0
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If you are being an ahole about the food, and/or demanding she makes you something else you are in the wrong.
If you are just wanting to cook your own food and shes having a fit because you must eat what she cooks then she is in the wrong.0 -
My husband and I buy/make/eat our own food for our own preferences. I guess our relationship is odd (we've been told them countless times) but when we met he was SKINNY and I was average weight as I had just lost 100 pounds. I soon gained it all back eating what he ate after he moved in. After losing nearly 100 pounds 2 more times and now working on my 4th time. It just doesn't work for me to eat what he eats. He is now at a great weight and muscular and can still eat pretty much whatever he wants. I must be very strict and eat basically the same thing every day (by choice). We go out to eat now and then and when he grills the meat, we eat together, but for the most part, we seriously go to the store separately and buy what we want to eat and cook our own food usually at different times and eat at different times. To each their own and just because your married doesn't mean you must eat the same things. Where is that written down as I must have missed that rule in the "rules of marriage" book. LOL!0
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My opinion? Kiss and make up and then offer to do the cooking sometimes. Or, offer to make a side dish to add to the meal she cooks.
If she cooks, she is not responsible to tell you the ingredients. You are responsible to ask her so that you can log them in. Ask before you eat or as she's cooking. Then use portion control accordingly when eating.
If you cook, cook it the way you think is best.
If this doesn't work, cook your own meals.
By the way, it does not sound to me like she is NOT supporting your weight loss goals, but that she is simply being who she is. It sounds like she loves to cook fun and tasty meals. There is nothing wrong with that.
I also think you should not expect her to support your weight loss goals. Getting healthier is about you and has nothing to do with the people around you.
As for apologies? I don't know, but this too shall pass. 0 -
Hi. Explain to your wife that you want to be healthier for her and you need her support. Eat her meals but just watch your portions, or eat the meal and then take a nice family walk together. Take time and talk to each other and find ways to make the recipes work for you, not against you. Like meat for instance isn't bad for you it's a protein., fill your plate with 1/2 of it with veggies on the side they are all free food, it 's the topping you have to be careful with. Then divide your plate in 2 on the other side...1 section meat and 1 section potato for an example...enjoy each other's company, work out together and with the kids and find fun ways to learn and grow and do this together and then reward yourself as you meet like a 10 lb goal for instance with a night out to a movie with popcorn...see everyone smiling and encouraging and working together for a fun time out.Hope it works for you. Also make sure you remind the one you love that you are not planning on leaving...you just want a better life together. 0
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stop complaining about wife and make your own meals ... your a grown man for gods sake !!
I think part of the issue is how she is/would react to him cooking for himself and not eating her meals; she's hurt by it and he isnt sure what to do because he's run out of ideas, this being one of them.0 -
You haven't mentioned how the kids are. I know that some kids can drive the cook of the family batty with their pickiness, so maybe the half-n-half was so the kids wouldn't complain? In any case, I'm sure her recipes probably have a lot to do with the kids and herself. What do you think will happen if everyone gets to have an overhaul on what they eat because you want one?
Now, I agree that trying the recipe with 1% milk and a 'good' oil is worth a shot. But remember that it changes other people's menus, not just yours, so don't expect everyone to be super happy about even trying that. Especially when you complain about just entering the data in. She gets to put a lot more effort into the whole situation than you do, apparently. Yay!
If you make your own breakfast, it shouldn't be a big deal, I wouldn't think. If you mope around about that, it would be incredibly irritating. I don't know. You kinda lost me at thinking entering the data is too much bother while asking everyone else in your household to make changes for you!
If you want it to be a change you all do, you get to be the cheerleader for that. You can't expect others to be happy to change what they like, so you get to make it fun for them. Or cook (and shop and clean up ) your own meals...politely. I agree that she's not particularly supporting your weight-loss journey about the cooking, but it's easier said than done, really. It is a pain the *kitten* if she's not where you are, frankly Apparently someone in your house likes half-n-half pancakes, lol. That's the way it goes sometimes. Good luck! 0 -
Reassure her that her food is delicious but at this point in time you need to make some sacrifices and need to have more control over your intake. If she gets it and starts cooking more healthy, great. If not, you're entitled to make your own meals.0
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It's not about apologising it's about asking her WHY she doesn't want to support your weight loss and healthy eating. Doesn't she want you to be leaner and healthier? If not -why not? Is she overweight herself? If so is she in denial about needing to lose weight? Are your kids overweight? You need to sit down with her explain what you are trying to do and ask her to help you. If she still won't help by making healthy, lower calorie meals then you are just going to have to tell her that you are going to make your own meals. Good luck!! You may need it.0
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Reason #541 to never get married: Spouse thinks they have a right to control what you eat. :huh:
lulz0 -
I have been married 21.5 years and you owe each other an apology. You should have been nicer this morning and she should have been up front with you about what is in your food. It's CRAP that couples can't be honest with each other. And it's CRAP if my husband hurts my feelings he has to grovel to make it better. I hurt his feelings sometimes too; that's the way life works. A simple apology should from you should suffice, but you will probably have to apologize before she does. Explain to her that you need her cooperation to get healthy and live long enough to raise your kids to adulthood and spoil your grandchildren.
I know a 40 year old who had to have bypass surgery 8 days ago and a 48 year old who had a stroke this summer and is still unable to work. If she wants you to live a healthy life and she doesn't want to have to raise 3 kids and nurse you, she'll help you. If she won't help you, then cook for yourself. She'll get over it or get with it. Yes that sounds harsh, but I have four kids and work outside my home, and if my husband asked me to cook differently after a day at work to help him be more healthy, I would do it and I wouldn't complain. Because I do the cooking (with the help of my teen daughter, to give her her due) , I have a lot of control about what goes in it. Sometimes I order them pizza because they want it and I eat a salad for myself. Sometimes I eat a smaller portion of their less healthy food. Sometimes we all eat turkey chili.
. And it's CRAP if my husband hurts my feelings he has to grovel to make it better. I hurt his feelings sometimes too; that's the way life works
Exactly!0 -
My significant other and I cook our own meals... plain and simple. Quite often we meet "in the middle".... if he is grilling, he grills a bag of chicken breasts for me that I can eat throughout the week. I make the majority of my meals in a steamer... quite often I throw in extra vegetables for him, or a couple of tilapia steaks. We are going on 3 years of living together and there never really was an issue about him having to eat what I make or me having to eat what he make. At our age (he's 61 and I am 58) are eating habits are pretty much set.
My suggestion is that the OP starts cookiong his own meals... perhaps his wife will "come over to his side"... it's not the end of the world if you choose to eat otherwise. And, for what its worth .... the fact that she used half and half in the pancakes she made instead of skim milk is telling me that she is intentionally trying to sabatoge his diet... I don't blame him for being upset, especially when she knows he is trying to diet. .... solve the problem and cook your own meals...0 -
Communication is critical in all aspects of life. Lack thereof, causes chaos and this explosive situation is no different.
First of all you are not a child and for her to tell you that you have to eat what she cooks is absurd. Both of you are adults and should conduct yourself as such. You have kids who are watching how you handle conflict.
It is wise for both of you to sit down and discuss the issue at hand and listen to each other's concerns intently, then come up with a solution that you both can live with.
I hope the best for you both.0 -
I am the primary cook at my house. I was an at-home mom for 8 years, just went back to work part-time this fall.
I can't tell you how your wife would react, but I can PROMISE you that if my husband wanted to start cooking our meals, I'd be elated. I would also expect him to provide me with a detailed shopping list or do the shopping himself.
I agree you need to have a sit-down discussion with your wife. If she really can't adapt her cooking to make healthier meals, then you need to make them for yourself. Hopefully she'll come around, and if not, maybe you can make healthier meals for your entire family.
I can also tell you that I make things for my family all the time that I don't "get" to eat. I survive.0 -
I feel your pain OP. Although Im on the opposite side of it. Im on MFP logging and trying to lose weight while my husband is not. I am the cook in the house and I prep my meals on sunday night and I cook for my husband (of almost 10 years) throughout the week. I work outside the home and we have no kids.
Now that I've said all that, I think everyone in the house should be eating healthy especially the kids. I wish I had been taught to eat better growing up. There are a gazillion healthy recipes out there that also have the calorie information already calculated. Why don't you pick out a few to try out a couple of nights a week? Help her do the shopping or help her make the meals. At the very least, sit in the kitchen and talk to her while she's cooking. My husband does and I find that we bond during that time. It would also be a very covert way to see what she puts in the food without her feeling like you are stalking her cooking. I don't know how old your kids are, but now is the time to teach them healthy habits that they will carry through the rest of their lives.
So apologize for hurting her feelings, I don't think you are wrong, but you've been married long enough to know how to keep the peace. Good luck and I hope you are able to find some middle ground. 0 -
Why don't you then cook for all of you? With the proviso that you cook what YOU can eat...
Win-win situation: you get to eat what you prefer. And your wife gets a break.
And your three children get stress-free, argument-free young lives with healthy food.0 -
Okay, first of all, cooking is a major pain in the *kitten*, isn't very rewarding, and when people refuse to eat it for some reason, there can be major hurt feelings. (Source: I live with three picky eaters.) When you're a stay at home mommy, you don't get the same rewards that other people do for going to out of the house jobs, and you live with TOTALLY unreasonable people who throw fits at the drop of a hat. Now, that all said, of course you don't have to eat what she cooks. It's NOT part of "being married". "Being married" is as individual as every couple who attempt it. The most important thing in this situation is honest communication from both sides. Personally though, WHO THE EFFIN' HELL MAKES PANCAKES WITH HALF N HALF????? That seems like deliberate sabotage to me. The butter vrs. oil thing is calorically neutral, but half n half?? I've never even heard of that.
When it comes down to it, whatever you guys work out that you can both live with and feel good about is what works. Currently my husband makes some of the meals for he and the boys, and I make some of them for all of us. I generally eat something different than them because I'm at a point in my diet when I'm trying to maximise my lean muscle retention and my macros are pretty nitpicky right now. Plus I'm on a grilled salmon kick. I could get my knickers all in a twist because "nobody likes the healthy food I make" but it's easier to just do my own thing and take any frustration out on my bike or the trail.
100% agree with the above comment. I am a stay at home Mom and I cook half the time and my husband cooks half the time. I am very particular with the recipes that I make, but my husband puts butter and/or who knows how much oil in whatever he cooks and then gets pissed when I ask how much of fattening ingredients he has used. It has been a topic of quite a few offended feelings on his part, but I am losing this weight for me so I either don't eat what he cooks at times or I cook something different. It just is what it is and I will not be a part of the argument, but I will not eat whatever either so I just choose what works for my calories for the day and go from there. Argument or not, I am in this for good health....not people pleasing or avoiding arguments. Best of luck to you!0 -
You can eat anything if you don't eat a lot of it. My husband does most of the cooking. I would never, ever, ever eat two pancakes and eggs. Are you crazy! That's half my calories for the day.
One delicious pancakes and thank her for it and tell her how delicious it was.
Or eat the eggs and really enjoy them.
Splurge and eat the egg and ONE pancake. Smile and tell her it is delicious.
She's not dumb. I bet she loves you. She'll start cooking more of whatever you are eating and cook less if you aren't eating as much.0
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