Damned if I do, Damned if I don't



  • Irenaekl
    Irenaekl Posts: 116 Member
    It's not about apologising it's about asking her WHY she doesn't want to support your weight loss and healthy eating. Doesn't she want you to be leaner and healthier? If not -why not? Is she overweight herself? If so is she in denial about needing to lose weight? Are your kids overweight? You need to sit down with her explain what you are trying to do and ask her to help you. If she still won't help by making healthy, lower calorie meals then you are just going to have to tell her that you are going to make your own meals. Good luck!! You may need it.
  • L4gym
    L4gym Posts: 81 Member
    Reason #541 to never get married: Spouse thinks they have a right to control what you eat. :huh:

  • L4gym
    L4gym Posts: 81 Member
    I have been married 21.5 years and you owe each other an apology. You should have been nicer this morning and she should have been up front with you about what is in your food. It's CRAP that couples can't be honest with each other. And it's CRAP if my husband hurts my feelings he has to grovel to make it better. I hurt his feelings sometimes too; that's the way life works. A simple apology should from you should suffice, but you will probably have to apologize before she does. Explain to her that you need her cooperation to get healthy and live long enough to raise your kids to adulthood and spoil your grandchildren.

    I know a 40 year old who had to have bypass surgery 8 days ago and a 48 year old who had a stroke this summer and is still unable to work. If she wants you to live a healthy life and she doesn't want to have to raise 3 kids and nurse you, she'll help you. If she won't help you, then cook for yourself. She'll get over it or get with it. Yes that sounds harsh, but I have four kids and work outside my home, and if my husband asked me to cook differently after a day at work to help him be more healthy, I would do it and I wouldn't complain. Because I do the cooking (with the help of my teen daughter, to give her her due) , I have a lot of control about what goes in it. Sometimes I order them pizza because they want it and I eat a salad for myself. Sometimes I eat a smaller portion of their less healthy food. Sometimes we all eat turkey chili.

    . And it's CRAP if my husband hurts my feelings he has to grovel to make it better. I hurt his feelings sometimes too; that's the way life works

  • meltedsno
    meltedsno Posts: 208 Member
    My significant other and I cook our own meals... plain and simple. Quite often we meet "in the middle".... if he is grilling, he grills a bag of chicken breasts for me that I can eat throughout the week. I make the majority of my meals in a steamer... quite often I throw in extra vegetables for him, or a couple of tilapia steaks. We are going on 3 years of living together and there never really was an issue about him having to eat what I make or me having to eat what he make. At our age (he's 61 and I am 58) are eating habits are pretty much set.

    My suggestion is that the OP starts cookiong his own meals... perhaps his wife will "come over to his side"... it's not the end of the world if you choose to eat otherwise. And, for what its worth .... the fact that she used half and half in the pancakes she made instead of skim milk is telling me that she is intentionally trying to sabatoge his diet... I don't blame him for being upset, especially when she knows he is trying to diet. .... solve the problem and cook your own meals...
  • caramelgyrlk
    caramelgyrlk Posts: 1,112 Member
    Communication is critical in all aspects of life. Lack thereof, causes chaos and this explosive situation is no different.

    First of all you are not a child and for her to tell you that you have to eat what she cooks is absurd. Both of you are adults and should conduct yourself as such. You have kids who are watching how you handle conflict.

    It is wise for both of you to sit down and discuss the issue at hand and listen to each other's concerns intently, then come up with a solution that you both can live with.

    I hope the best for you both.
  • shrinking_sarah
    shrinking_sarah Posts: 9 Member
    I am the primary cook at my house. I was an at-home mom for 8 years, just went back to work part-time this fall.

    I can't tell you how your wife would react, but I can PROMISE you that if my husband wanted to start cooking our meals, I'd be elated. I would also expect him to provide me with a detailed shopping list or do the shopping himself.

    I agree you need to have a sit-down discussion with your wife. If she really can't adapt her cooking to make healthier meals, then you need to make them for yourself. Hopefully she'll come around, and if not, maybe you can make healthier meals for your entire family.

    I can also tell you that I make things for my family all the time that I don't "get" to eat. I survive.
  • Dreaj79
    Dreaj79 Posts: 212
    I feel your pain OP. Although Im on the opposite side of it. Im on MFP logging and trying to lose weight while my husband is not. I am the cook in the house and I prep my meals on sunday night and I cook for my husband (of almost 10 years) throughout the week. I work outside the home and we have no kids.

    Now that I've said all that, I think everyone in the house should be eating healthy especially the kids. I wish I had been taught to eat better growing up. There are a gazillion healthy recipes out there that also have the calorie information already calculated. Why don't you pick out a few to try out a couple of nights a week? Help her do the shopping or help her make the meals. At the very least, sit in the kitchen and talk to her while she's cooking. My husband does and I find that we bond during that time. It would also be a very covert way to see what she puts in the food without her feeling like you are stalking her cooking. I don't know how old your kids are, but now is the time to teach them healthy habits that they will carry through the rest of their lives.

    So apologize for hurting her feelings, I don't think you are wrong, but you've been married long enough to know how to keep the peace. Good luck and I hope you are able to find some middle ground. :smile:
  • madaleingericke
    madaleingericke Posts: 49 Member
    Why don't you then cook for all of you? With the proviso that you cook what YOU can eat...
    Win-win situation: you get to eat what you prefer. And your wife gets a break.
    And your three children get stress-free, argument-free young lives with healthy food.
  • Inshape13
    Inshape13 Posts: 680 Member
    Okay, first of all, cooking is a major pain in the *kitten*, isn't very rewarding, and when people refuse to eat it for some reason, there can be major hurt feelings. (Source: I live with three picky eaters.) When you're a stay at home mommy, you don't get the same rewards that other people do for going to out of the house jobs, and you live with TOTALLY unreasonable people who throw fits at the drop of a hat. Now, that all said, of course you don't have to eat what she cooks. It's NOT part of "being married". "Being married" is as individual as every couple who attempt it. The most important thing in this situation is honest communication from both sides. Personally though, WHO THE EFFIN' HELL MAKES PANCAKES WITH HALF N HALF????? That seems like deliberate sabotage to me. The butter vrs. oil thing is calorically neutral, but half n half?? I've never even heard of that.

    When it comes down to it, whatever you guys work out that you can both live with and feel good about is what works. Currently my husband makes some of the meals for he and the boys, and I make some of them for all of us. I generally eat something different than them because I'm at a point in my diet when I'm trying to maximise my lean muscle retention and my macros are pretty nitpicky right now. Plus I'm on a grilled salmon kick. I could get my knickers all in a twist because "nobody likes the healthy food I make" but it's easier to just do my own thing and take any frustration out on my bike or the trail.

    100% agree with the above comment. I am a stay at home Mom and I cook half the time and my husband cooks half the time. I am very particular with the recipes that I make, but my husband puts butter and/or who knows how much oil in whatever he cooks and then gets pissed when I ask how much of fattening ingredients he has used. It has been a topic of quite a few offended feelings on his part, but I am losing this weight for me so I either don't eat what he cooks at times or I cook something different. It just is what it is and I will not be a part of the argument, but I will not eat whatever either so I just choose what works for my calories for the day and go from there. Argument or not, I am in this for good health....not people pleasing or avoiding arguments. Best of luck to you!
  • nxd10
    nxd10 Posts: 4,570 Member
    You can eat anything if you don't eat a lot of it. My husband does most of the cooking. I would never, ever, ever eat two pancakes and eggs. Are you crazy! That's half my calories for the day.

    One delicious pancakes and thank her for it and tell her how delicious it was.

    Or eat the eggs and really enjoy them.

    Splurge and eat the egg and ONE pancake. Smile and tell her it is delicious.

    She's not dumb. I bet she loves you. She'll start cooking more of whatever you are eating and cook less if you aren't eating as much.
  • sami_83
    sami_83 Posts: 161
    Man, if my boyfriend suddenly didn't want the food I make I'd think he was being a giant pain in the *kitten*. Frankly it's tedious and stressful having to plan, shop for and cook every meal for us both FOR ETERNITY. I hate it. But if I don't do it we will starve. He has no input into what we eat except for the fact that I don't make things that I know he hates. So basically he gets what he's given. It's a compromise, due to the fact that he can't/won't learn to cook (2 minute noodles is as competent as he gets in the kitchen) nor does he ever offer suggestions as to what he wants. Me: "What do you want for tea tonight?" Him: "Whatever."
    Thankfully he knows the deal and is grateful that I cook for him and likes my food. If he didn't, he'd have to learn to look after himself :wink:

    Perhaps your wife is in a similar position and is pretty much over being chained to the kitchen, and now you've added the extra burden of making her rethink all of her recipes which up until now she probably just made on autopilot.
    If that is the case, you would do well to start meal planning with her, grocery shopping with (or for) her, and doing some of the cooking. If all you do is say "I don't want that" but then put the burden on her to work out an alternative, well, that's pretty mean.

    If I had someone cooking every meal for me I'd be in heaven, regardless of what it was! Bloody hell. Sometimes I think people don't realise that cooking is actually a chore. A massive chore. Especially if you get to do the dishes too. Fun kitchen times all round :grumble:
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
    ...I'd love to know what people think about our situation. Are we both in the wrong? And is it wrong for me to make my own food?...

    It's your relationship, so you have to do what works within the boundaries of that relationship. I can tell you about MY life, but it won't necessarily translate to yours.

    My husband and I split the cooking 50/50. I appreciate the fact that he cooks with my needs in mind, and I do the same for him. To me, it doesn't matter what the gender of the cook is. The cook has the POWER to structure meals and/or alter ingredients. It's only a matter of whether or not the cook WANTS to do it. There's NO WAY anyone should have to cook separate meals for different people, but it's simple enough to make a few healthy changes for the whole family or to gives a heads up to someone watching their intake. So is there a power struggle in your relationship? Why wouldn't she want to help out? Are YOU being a jerk about it or is SHE being a jerk about it? Maybe it's just a misunderstanding. The only way to know is to talk it out...

    Sometimes I think people get into their roles in life and get defensive. Whatever it is they do, they take ownership of it and derive power from it. If you've got someone feeling like they need more power or control in their life, then they might assert more control in the areas of their life that they do have control over. Maybe she's thinking: you do your job and don't tell me how to do mine. Don't tell me how to run my kitchen. Maybe she's threatened by your new lifestyle. Who knows? I'd ask her...nicely, though. Because we only got your side of the story. Maybe you pissed her off somehow.

    I think power struggles and problems with compromising are common issues for both genders, so you're not alone. I have no good advice because I just don't have patience for shenanigans and we don't play these kinds of games in my house. If there's a problem we get it out in the open and we resolve it. Life is more fun when everybody's happy. Good luck, though. :flowerforyou:
  • bbsweetpea
    bbsweetpea Posts: 52 Member
    I have not read all the responses but I think you need to sit down and talk with her. I am a stay at home working and homeschooling mom to 3 kids. I still cook the food and enter the recipes in here so that my husband can easily count his meals. I do it for myself as well but mainly for him. I also weigh out and bag up his snack food for him to take to work. Whatever I can do to support his goals is what I do. Yes it would be easier to just worry about my own goals but we are a team.

    Talk to your wife and see if she can get on board with you. Changing up a few things to make less calorie recipes usually does not take away taste. Good luck!
  • pattyproulx
    pattyproulx Posts: 603 Member
    Recently I told my wife that I didn't want to eat what she makes for dinner because it takes a lot of time to enter it all in as a recipe and she doesn't always cook "healthy".
    That to me looks like a good way to start a fight.

    1 - Time entering the meal in the tracker should not play into this at all. I'm 100% sure she spends more than 4-5 times the time making the meal than it would take to enter it into the tracker.

    2 - Why not work with her to discuss some of the things you'd like to change rather than tell her you don't want to eat what she cooks? Offer suggestions for the next time. Maybe ask for an extra side of veggies so you can opt for the veggies instead of the mashed potatoes.

    3 - Don't complain about the food that's already made. It could be tough but instead of 'If I'd have known you made the pancakes like that, I wouldn't have eaten them.", tell her it was delicious but remind her that since you're tracking the foods, it makes it difficult for you to eat within your limits for the rest of the day when it's made with that much fat.
  • TonyaMeadows
    Thank you to all who thought what I said was good or a possibility. I actually know a woman who throws a fit if her man tries to loose weight or cooks for himself. I asked her years ago why do that to him. She said that she would rather have him fat and coming home to her than skinny and all the other women chasing after him. I personally think it is crazy to be that way man or woman. I have known men that way and my first husband was that way but it back-fired on him. I thought it was crazy but the bigger that I got the more men I had chasing after me. {shrug} My current husband knows I am having to try to loose the weight for my health. He goes in with me to see the doctor and asks his questions as well. I hope for this man's marriage and for his wife and kids, things get worked out. Too many divorces due to lack of communication and it is just sad.
  • Dgydad
    Dgydad Posts: 104 Member
    You're welcome to believe whatever you want. But if you beleive there isn't something wrong, or that it doesn't need to be addressed, you're in denial. There atre any number of ways she could respond positively to his efforts, and she's chosen not to. That's a problem for him; so it's a problem for them. Perhaps you could offer some useful information for the poster instead?
  • pinkiemarie252
    pinkiemarie252 Posts: 222 Member
    Unless you can find a way to get her onboard with eating healthier, this isn't a battle you're likely to win. I think you're going to be cooking your own meals from now on. Don't worry, it isn't that hard. Sometimes you can make a big batch of something you would prefer ahead of time and eat leftovers for a few days. Other times you can plan ahead to have ingredients on hand to make something quick and easy.
  • pinkiemarie252
    pinkiemarie252 Posts: 222 Member
    Also why do a bunch of people think he has to apologize for asking for a reasonable thing--a healthy diet and not having his health and well being sabotaged? He doesn't need to apologize, IMO.
  • RosaliaBee
    RosaliaBee Posts: 146 Member
    She said I have to eat what she makes.

    I would totally erupt at that if ANYONE said that to me! Seriously.
    No you don't HAVE to eat what she makes. No that is not in the marriage contract.

    You have the absolute right to choose what you want to eat for the sake of your own health and well-being.
    She has no right to dominate you and undermine you that way.

    You don't need her permission to make healthy choices for you.
    She isn't your mother she's your life partner, and that means she's supposed to support you and not control you.

    Try not to argue about it. Just do what you need to to have a wholesome diet that keeps you healthy for you, and most importantly for the sake of your children..

    Good luck, and keep determined!
  • yankeedownsouth
    yankeedownsouth Posts: 717 Member
    Curious to hear how this turned out. OP hasn't been back to this thread since he started it..