How do you make people understand?
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I only started watching calories and working out three weeks ago, so I'm a complete newbie when it comes to advice, but my fiancee is doing the same thing! Always wanting attention (where he hardly demanded it before), trying to get me to watch tv shows instead of working out. Suggesting meals that will throw my eating plan WAY off. I just make dinner for him and add extra veggies or a salad for me. Or, he eats what I eat. If he is still hungry, he knows how to make his own snacks
I think my fiancee's reactions come from a couple of things. 1) Working out makes you look great. I don't mean just physically, but the endorphins gives you a GLOW that just makes you look fantastic and energized. That's pretty sexy! 2) He's afraid I'll lose weight and not want him anymore, so he's pouring on the charm and attentiveness.
My response is generally two-fold: 1) I'm doing this because I want to be healthier. There's no hidden "find a new mate" agenda. Just me being in shape and feeling wonderful when I hit 50! 2) With regard to the tv show trick my guy is using: "I would love to watch that show with you. Is it on demand so we can watch it after my workout? If not, can we put off dinner after the show so I can workout?" I finally just started working out early in the morning and find that works really well because the energy is redirected into a full day's activities instead of just going to sleep! It also gives us time in the evening that he seems to need.
Eating out has always been a challenge for me since I have some dietary issues I have to keep aware of. I have low blood sugar and I cannot digest red meat, so I'm already a PITA at a restaurant. But, since I've started working out and eating three moderate meals with three snacks per day, my blood sugar has stayed perfect. Sustaining my eating habits is not difficult because I use MFP to log all my meals I will have during the day in the morning, then I just eat what I've logged.
If I'm going somewhere to eat, I just plan on having a salad. If I am going to a potluck at church, I take my own salad and a regular dish to share. If there's something there to eat, I have it and don't stress about it.
Enjoy your time with your husband, but if he suggests a dessert event, counter with suggesting a wine-tasting event instead or a tour of the local history museum. The time together is the important part and sticking to your guns will allow you to prevail and reach your goals. You're not doing this for him; you're doing it for you! Hang in there!
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Just wondering what you do/say to make people understand what you are trying to do and what it takes to achieve it.
I had a discussion with my husband back in October about how this Holiday season I was going to be sticking to plan as much as possible. That I wouldn't be going to Wednesday night potlucks at our church, that I wouldn't be wanting to go out to eat, or go to Christmas parties. HOw I would be trying to only make exceptions for the actual Holidays, not all the days surrounding each Holiday.
He seemed to understand at first... but now it seems he forgot. He is suddenly in this "we don't spend enough time together" mode. He wants to take me out on dates, which always seem to include food. He booked a three day get-a-way for us December 16-18... where our only choice will be to eat at the Hotel restaurant or nearby establishments. I can accept the trip and just deal with it the best I can, though it is frustrating because I have some "end of the year" goals that it will make harder to reach. But last night he told me he wants to go out with me tonight. To go listen to some classical guitarist at a concert and dessert event.. Really? DESSERT?
I am trying to not be mean. I do want to spend time with him... but this is getting ridiculous. We just got past Thanksgiving. I am trying to make him understand that with so many special occasions that I can't avoid this time of year, I don't need him adding extra ones. I was hoping to drop a few extra pounds between Thanksgiving and our trip, to help make up for the unavoidable gain that will follow the trip, and then lose a few more between the trip and Christmas... but how am I supposed to do that if he keeps this up?
To top it off, between now and the trip is my birthday, my son's birthday (both the same day actually, but my son will have a party on another day as well), and my nephew's birthday. I still have most of my Christmas shopping to do, and could actually use this evening more productively either shopping or putting up our tree. But no... I get to go to an event where the only food option is DESSERT!
I don't really know what to say to him. I don't want to be a scrooge and take the fun out of Christmas. I don't want to make it sound like I don't enjoy dates. I am just trying to reach a goal right now. I want to get this weight off. I wouldn't mind going to the movies, or for a walk, or sending the kids to a babysitter while we stayed home, ate healthy food, and spent some time dancing.
I know I'll go tonight, but I am trying to figure out how to make him understand that for the rest of the season, I don't want more challenges than we already have planned. I want him to understand that if I could just get his cooperation for a time, I would reach my goal weight and have more "wiggle room" for events like this once I'm on maintenance.
grrrr... I know his heart is in the right place but he is making things so much harder for me!
This isn't that difficult, actually. You're just too close to the situation to see. What I'd do is enjoy the extra time my husband wants to spend with me. Split a dessert at the guitar and dessert event (and only take a couple bites). As far as parties and dining out and your hotel trip, if you don't already know how to make good choices from a menu, now's the time to educate yourself. You can't hide in your house forever, OP.0 -
Well thanks everyone for your suggestions. My last reply made me realize that I've gained so many positive things on this journey. I am not sure what I'll do with this problem with my husband, but I know I won't let it get me off track. I'm enjoying my new life too much for that.0
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Why does dieting have to be that miserable? Surely you could squeeze a dessert in without derailing your entire diet? Sure, if you have an issue with portion control I could maybe see your point but I'm not quite understanding why you cant have fun and indulge?
Its not "a dessert", its one even after another after another after another. That is my point. Thanksgiving results in a two pound gain, I get it off, then hubby immediately wants to take me out for dinner. That doesn't result in a gain, but prevents a loss... I work that out and then hubby doesn't understand why I don't go to a woman's event at my church where there is a ton of dessert food, the very next day, he wants to take me out to a dessert event... two days after that he will most likely be trying to talk me into eating some of my son's and my birthday cake, two days later he will try to talk me into going to wednesday night potluck with him, a couple of days after that he will want to go out to dinner again... it is never ending. And while an occasional date or dinner out doesn't hurt, doing so every week, in addition to all the holiday stuff... is resulting in a NET LOSS of zero for November and December.
That's part of the problem right there-why does Thanksgiving have to be a 2lb gain? Why does going out to eat mean no loss for the week? Food is food, regardless of where you eat it. Most restaurants have all their nutritional info online and it takes about 2 minute to find it and pre-log what you're going to have. I lost over 50lbs while eating fast food 3-5 times a week. We're very social on the weekends and many times I don't eat at home at all during them. The holidays are FULL of events, get togethers and potlucks. It doesn't matter-calories in, calories out. I lost the weight during the holidays and I'm now maintaining through them (well, I actually hit a new all time low this morning, but I'm trying to maintain
). Figuring out now how to make it work will go a long way to helping you be a part of that very, very small percentage of people who succeed at this.
How can I look it up ahead of time if I am given no warning? How can I pre-log when he announces we are going out after I've spent my day thinking I was having grilled chicken and vegetables for dinner?
Here's the honest truth: Based on what your'e saying, your husband likes you just the way you are. Or he wants you to stay overweight because maybe it makes him feel better about himself. What do YOU want? If you're unhappy overweight, then you just need to tell him that and that he's not being supportive. If he loves you, he will back the eff off.0 -
My suggestion is don't! People who don't understand or can't relate will never be able to put themselves in your shoes. My husband is a culprit of this as well. He's HORRIBLE at supporting me with my efforts, but has good intentions. I came to the conclusion that if you want it, you have to do it for you! Don't try to force people to understand, they won't/can't- especially if weight has been an issue for you for a long time.0
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This isn't that difficult, actually. You're just too close to the situation to see. What I'd do is enjoy the extra time my husband wants to spend with me. Split a dessert at the guitar and dessert event (and only take a couple bites). As far as parties and dining out and your hotel trip, if you don't already know how to make good choices from a menu, now's the time to educate yourself. You can't hide in your house forever, OP.
ANd another one assumes that choosing not to eat out is equal to hiding in the house!!! Am I the only one that sees so many other options to life outside of restaurants?
I already said I'd enjoy the music and have some tea or coffee at the concert... it is the overall issue of these CONSTANT food centered events that is getting to me.
I am more active and less confined to my house than I was before changing my habits. I don't get a thrill out of eating out. I get a thrill out of hiking, camping, fishing, boating etc. Those things do NOT equal hiding in the house!0 -
My suggestion is don't! People who don't understand or can't relate will never be able to put themselves in your shoes. My husband is a culprit of this as well. He's HORRIBLE at supporting me with my efforts, but has good intentions. I came to the conclusion that if you want it, you have to do it for you! Don't try to force people to understand, they won't/can't- especially if weight has been an issue for you for a long time.
My conclusion too, especially after reading so many of the responses on this thread. Even many who HAVE been there, don't make an effort to understand what I'm saying.
:flowerforyou:0 -
Imo no one can truly understand the journey you have decided to take on unless they have been there and done it themselves. However you should not deny yourself nights out and stuff. We have 365 days in a year and 7 in a week one day or night of enjoying yourself will not hurt your goals at all. Live life do not be dictated by it.
As I've stated over and over and over again. I am not denying myself nights out. I just don't want them occurring three times a week. :ohwell:
Also, I am living life more now than before. Not too long ago I was walking with a cane and unable to enjoy outings at all due to my physical pain and difficulty moving :frown: . Now I am walking, hiking, jogging, weightlifting, do bootcamps, etc. :happy: I'd love
to go on a hiking/fishing/camping "outing" with my husband. Or have both of us learn how to play some sport together or something.
I have no interest in the things he wants to do... classical guitar... orchestra... (:yawn: I feel like I need a cookie to stay awake!)
Think it would be awesome to go ride dirt bikes together though, or go to country music concert.
Yea lol one thing I've noticed most is now I have different interests compared to my partner and it's becoming an issue at times.0 -
My poor health sucked the life out of having fun far more than eating healthy does. Constant pain was no fun. Heart rate fluctuations was no fun. Blood sugar problems was no fun. Using a cane and getting out of breath walking was no fun. Eating a grilled chicken breast, doing 30 burpees, and still having energy for an 8 mile hike is now my definition of fun.
Far from hiding in the house, I am finally living. So please everyone, stop telling me I can't "hide in the house" forever. Or that I "have to allow myself to have fun", or that healthy living doesn't have to be "hiding in the house". Get one thing straight, I "hide in the house" a lot less now than I ever used to.0 -
I start texting my friends things such as " what do you want me to bring you from Burger King, you fat ****?" They get the message and eventually stop bugging me about my diet. Of course, they share my obnoxious sense of humor. I would not recommend this for everyone. :laugh:0
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Why does everything have to be the way HE wants it to be? Why is it that SHE has to continually compromise? Can he not go for a bike ride or a home packed picnic or a drive to look at Christmas lights, movies, dancing? I think the OP should have the right to make a few decisions too!
Her GOAL is to eat healthy, home cooked food that can be logged accurately, most of the days of her life. When going out exceeds staying in week after week, it becomes very difficult to say you are achieving your GOAL! If it were one week here or there, it would be easy to make concessions and switch her diet around...but OP has stated over and over that this is happening constantly.
If i didn't know better Blessed, I would say you and I were married to the same man.0 -
Blessed, I feel for both you and your husband. My wife was very sick and heavy as she gained her health back and started losing weight I was happy, but I felt constrained by the change in lifestyle. It took several months after she 'seemed healthy' to me before I really GOT it. I know that it was difficult for her during those months and as she stuck to her guns and kept talking to me about her struggles I started to understand and embrace New Lifestyle. I had to get with the program to keep up with the love of my life. One suggestion for the near future you might consider dropping back to maintenance until after the holidays along with looking at your calorie intake as a weekly goal rather than a daily goal. That would give you some wiggle room and resetting your goals resets the parameters in the database and will update the calculations for you successful weight loss thus far. And Prayer works.0
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This is why I don't have a husband. I would just say "I'm not doing that", and that would be the end of the discussion. I don't do that whole "compromise" thing. :devil:
I don't have a husband, but I do have friends and coworkers who try to foist high-calorie goodies at me. I just look at them, look at the gooey mass of calories, look at them, and say "no thanks!" with the biggest, cheesiest smile I can muster. Yeah, nobody makes me do something I don't want to do. :bigsmile: Honestly, I have begun to enjoy the experience a bit. It's kind of fun to watch their obvious attempts at sabotage fall flat. :bigsmile:
And really, that's what it is. If they know someone is trying to lose weight, and they knowingly and deliberately try to lead her away from her calorie goals, they're sabotaging her. They're not being "nice", I don't care how good that casserole smells. They're trying to knock her off the wagon. And that's a pretty crappy thing to do, if you ask me.0 -
People can't even understand that everyone should be treated equally... You can't make anyone do anything.0
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Not socializing isn't a long term solution - learn how to eat right at these parties and you're less likely to gain weight next year when you're in maintenance at this time.0
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I wouldn't mind going to the movies, or for a walk, or sending the kids to a babysitter while we stayed home, ate healthy food, and spent some time dancing.
^^Have you told him this, specifically?
Also, I admire your commitment to your goals. I really do! However, if you don't find a way to fit dessert in your life, I don't know how sustainable this will be long term. Maybe, desserts aren't a big deal to you and you're getting enjoyment out of the types of foods you are eating and don't want dessert. If so, ignore me. But, if you don't allow yourself a little bit of freedom, you may end up back where you were. Personally, if I REALLY want dessert, but know it's not really in my budget. I have 1-2 TINY bites of cake, or whatever is being offered. I use will power to not eat more than that, and savor each bite. Seriously...everyone needs to back off when I'm savoring my bites. It's that serious. :laugh:
All kidding aside, this change is about learning balance and moderation, in my opinion. Have A BITE of cake once in a while. Good luck to you!0 -
The one point I'd like everyone to get is that I am not saying I NEVER can make exceptions or go out, I am saying it can't happen all-the-time-several-times-a-week.
Personally, I wouldn't want to go out to dinner several times/week every week either...especially this time of year when there's so much extra stuff to do.
OP you had said your husband won't compromise? What happens if you just say no to the multiple nights out?0 -
Well thanks everyone for your suggestions. My last reply made me realize that I've gained so many positive things on this journey. I am not sure what I'll do with this problem with my husband, but I know I won't let it get me off track. I'm enjoying my new life too much for that.
Congratulations to you for the loss, and all the positive things that are happening due to your changes! I don't think you are hiding in your house, I think your goals and interests are different from your husband, and the reason he all the sudden wants to do all these things is he sees those things changing and doesn't see a place for him...You really need to sit down and spell it out for him. I doubt, if he loves you, that he is purposefully trying to sabotage you...it could just be he feels left out, or like he isn't getting enough attention.
As far as not being able to plan for eating out 3 nights a week...you have a couple options..
1. Flat out say no..Usually for me this works because I buy the groceries, do the meal planning, and cook..so if I have something in the fridge that is going to go bad..it has to be taken care of.
2. Hop on the computer or your smart phone (if you have one) and look at the restaurants menu real quick..if they don't have a menu on line suggest another restaurant, or look for the leaner choices when you get there. If he is always taking you for fast food..see option 1.
3. Eat whatever you want, and suggest a walk together after dinner, or hit the gym extra hard the next day...I can't tell you how many times I've done my regular routine and added 30 minutes on the eliptical or treadmill to give me a little more wiggle room.
Either way, keep up the good work, it does get easier..My parents still try to bring over cookies all the time, but now they see the progress I'm making and they will bring me a healthy treat too. :-)0 -
Ha! My thoughts too! (Although I do have a long term partner who apparently isn't bothered by it :P)This is why I don't have a husband. I would just say "I'm not doing that", and that would be the end of the discussion. I don't do that whole "compromise" thing. :devil:
OP, your situation sounds very frustrating, and more difficult to handle because it's Christmas. If it were any other time of the year, I'd probably suggest you take the 'individual' approach and just tell him outright that you don't want to do those things and why. In the absence of that, I second other posters' suggestions of trying to:
- Pre-empt his plans with date plans of your own which don't revolve around food. (Or even counteract them by suggesting ones that involve exercise?)
- Try to either eat healthily before a night out (and just go for drinks) or order 'off menu', even just asking for salads without dressing etc.
- Just go with it, set yourself to maintainence cals over Christmas and start dieting again in the New Year.
Good luck 0 -
It seems like he wants to spend time with you. How about taking him somewhere that either fits into your diet or that doesn't revolve around food at all?0
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