Weightloss causing Relationship issues?

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  • meganjcallaghan
    meganjcallaghan Posts: 949 Member
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    Glad you guys are able to get into some counselling. Perhaps that will help communicate the whole ''marriage and all that it entails such as the rearing of children and health of your spouse is a team effort' thing'. Selfishly looking out for one's own time/wants/needs at the expense of one's spouse's time/wants/needs is a no-no. He can't have it both ways. Either he helps out with cooking and kids or less OT expectations for you at work to give you the opportunity to a) find some time to exercise and more importantly b) find time to rest in the busy life it sounds like you can barely keep up with, quite often for his benefit......or he can keep his expectations, which are unrealistic given the circumstances, to himself.
  • NoxDineen
    NoxDineen Posts: 497 Member
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    If he has time to work out 4 nights a week and you really don't have any time at all there might be something wrong with the division of labour in your household.
  • mikeykhan2003
    mikeykhan2003 Posts: 177
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    I don't understand what you want to accomplish here. Your priorities seem normal to me, and quite clear; it just doesn't happen to be your fitness or weight, and it is your husband's. Aligning goals is a huge part of a relationship, and I hope that counseling helps; but your husband isn't automatically the bad guy. You're misleading him. You agreed to lose weight together, you are still saying you want to lose weight together, and yet you simply aren't prioritizing it.
  • sweetpea03b
    sweetpea03b Posts: 1,124 Member
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    My hubby and I don't have any kids but when I started to work out seriously a lot of things were getting pushed aside because I didn't have time to do everything on my own. I sat down with my hubby and we had a talk about delegating/splitting chores so we both had free time to do the things that needed/wanted to get done. IMO, if hubby goes to work later.... he should use the early time to go to the gym so that frees you up to go in the evening. Or, like another poster said... while the kids are asleep and hubby is at the gym... do a workout at home. This might mean that the online store gets pushed aside a few days a week... but if you tweek things around... talk about it with him... make a plan... it will all work out where you can both have the time you need for yourself.

    Good luck!
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,742 Member
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    I'm very glad to hear you are in counseling. I think one on one therapy for just you could be good as well as you sound like there may be underlying depression and other problems. Obviously I'm not an expert but that is what I am getting from this thread. You sound like there is not much joy in your life and that makes me very sad because there seems to be a huge potential for happiness in your marriage, family, and home.

    As for the material things, I know it's nice to have creature comforts and such and I'm not saying don't work...but I kind of got a vibe that you & your husband are working together toward a Big Dream of having a much nicer home & lots of stuff, will that really improve your marriage and/or health, mentally and physically?

    I truly do wish the best for you!! Take care of yourself, above all.
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,022 Member
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    Men do tend to live in their own little world when they've been allowed to do that.

    This is why I won't date only children or mama's boys (I mean the ones whose moms still do everything for them) unless there is some other evidence that suggests they've had significant experience in considering the needs of other people and doing their own cooking, cleaning, and laundry.
  • James_Howlett
    James_Howlett Posts: 2
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    Why the fk isnt he cooking dinner?
  • jlturner386
    jlturner386 Posts: 65 Member
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    As for the material things, I know it's nice to have creature comforts and such and I'm not saying don't work...but I kind of got a vibe that you & your husband are working together toward a Big Dream of having a much nicer home & lots of stuff, will that really improve your marriage and/or health, mentally and physically?


    Exactly what I think about on a daily basis.....it would make him happy for a short period of time. Then it would become my nightmare.

    We have really nice things....so many things we have outgrown our house. He is a tech freak, and has to have the biggest best thing there is...every movie, game, tablet, phone, ps4, everything he wants. Everything in our home is less than 4 years old EVERYTHING but the carpeting.....he has A LOT of student loan debt, which is keeping us from buying a bigger home. I'm talking $61,000 currently.....his student loan payment is almost double our mortgage payment. Its insanity.....we both have a car payment but my car is a 2008 his is a 2013.....etc etc.

    My online store is my dream. If i could I would quit my regular job and make this my regular job, but he would NEVER support that, because I make so much at my job. In fact my store is really successful, more successful than he wanted it to be. He told me to go thru Etsy to "try it out to see if people really bought my things" when I had 10 sales in the first month he was like oh wow....then when I went back to Full Time out of the home, he told me to quit my store.....just quit. Knowing full well that it was my dream. It broke my heart, and that was the beginning of this huge mess. I told him I was not going to give up my dream. That I enjoy making things for other people. And people love my store. I did agree to not take custom orders. Which has really slowed down my business, but i still have sales and the items are pre-made so i just package have to package them.
  • jlturner386
    jlturner386 Posts: 65 Member
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    Why the fk isnt he cooking dinner?

    He says "I don't know what you want to eat, so I just don't cook"

    Cop out.....I will say ANYTHING if you make something and I dont eat it, then that's just more leftovers for you.....i will eat cereal. The truth is I will eat anything he makes, and if its shrimp (allergic) I won't eat it, oh well I will eat cereal, or a bagel and turkey sausage I really don't care. Its just more excuses to eat out, because he's starving and doesn't want to cook.
  • Marcia315
    Marcia315 Posts: 460 Member
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    sounds like you have 3 kids.
  • verdemujer
    verdemujer Posts: 1,397 Member
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    The counciling - stick with it. The more you post the more it appears you are at a serious cross road for your marriage.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
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    Why the fk isnt he cooking dinner?

    He says "I don't know what you want to eat, so I just don't cook"

    Cop out.....I will say ANYTHING if you make something and I dont eat it, then that's just more leftovers for you.....i will eat cereal. The truth is I will eat anything he makes, and if its shrimp (allergic) I won't eat it, oh well I will eat cereal, or a bagel and turkey sausage I really don't care. Its just more excuses to eat out, because he's starving and doesn't want to cook.

    this i dont get and yes it would make me angry what is he doing from the time he gets off to the time you get home? He cant even brown the meat so you all can make a quick beef or chicken dish? Waste of money to go out all the time.
  • skinnyinnotime
    skinnyinnotime Posts: 4,141 Member
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    I don't understand why your husbans gets to work out and you don't or why you're picking up the kids whilst he's getting home early...if he's home earlier than you why isn't he cooking dinner???

    He sounds selfish, surely he can see how much you're juggling. Why on earth would you even need to tell him, is he blind?

    Sorry, but I am tired of hearing of so many women doing a million things whilst the man goes to work comes home and does what he wants.

    Bollox to that crap
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
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    My hubby and I don't have any kids but when I started to work out seriously a lot of things were getting pushed aside because I didn't have time to do everything on my own. I sat down with my hubby and we had a talk about delegating/splitting chores so we both had free time to do the things that needed/wanted to get done. IMO, if hubby goes to work later.... he should use the early time to go to the gym so that frees you up to go in the evening. Or, like another poster said... while the kids are asleep and hubby is at the gym... do a workout at home. This might mean that the online store gets pushed aside a few days a week... but if you tweek things around... talk about it with him... make a plan... it will all work out where you can both have the time you need for yourself.

    Good luck!

    now that is an idea he could get up early too go work out and then have the evenings free for family time or let you go work out a few days a week
  • briandahawaiian
    briandahawaiian Posts: 112 Member
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    If you both love each other then good for you for trying to work it out, but if the love isn't mutual then Why are you with him?? I don't know his story but dude sounds like a selfish jerk that don't give a **** about anyone but himself :( Sounds like he is your biggest stress causer. You definitely don't need the stress! If I can raise my 3 children by myself and hold a job, I'm sure you would have no problem doing it!! or at least find someone that would appreciate you. Just saying! Don't give up on yourself!! Good Luck!!
  • msf74
    msf74 Posts: 3,498 Member
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    Your husband needs to pull his finger out. Seriously.

    Marriage is a partnership, not serfdom.
  • tonitass
    tonitass Posts: 22 Member
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    Have you talked to your husband about this? I often have much longer days than my husband but we are both dedicated to working out - albeit for different reasons as he has a phenomenal body already. However, if I need him to do anything extra at home so I can get my workout in, he will. A lot of times I do a 25 minute workout if that's all I can get.

    This week has been crazy for me and on top of extra hours at work I have had surgery so I also can't work out. i've compensated by eating much less than normal. You can still lose weight without working out.

    What about working out on your lunch hour though? on the weekends?

    Definitely sounds like you need to communicate with your husband... marriage is a team effort

    Agree with this !!
    A: Your husband needs to pitch in a little bit more with the kids and let you get to the gym or do some home workout.
    B: I work out on my lunch hour. I have all sorts of healthy meals and snacks here at my desk and my workouts are a priority. You need to make your health and nutrition a priority.
  • Bunny1177
    Bunny1177 Posts: 32 Member
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    Your husband needs to pull his finger out. Seriously.

    Marriage is a partnership, not serfdom.

    Exactly. Both parties' feelings have to be taken in account. It is not about me me me, it is we we we.

    Talk to him. Go on with therapy if you have to, if he listens to the therapist better... The therapist then should tell him to listen to you. Tell him how it makes you feel when he talks to you the way he does. If he does not get it, tell it to the therapist, and then he tells it to your husband, if it has to go that way.

    Cut your schedule a little, so you get time for working out.

    *hugs*
  • QuietBloom
    QuietBloom Posts: 5,413 Member
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    Sounds like you guys need to sit down and have a talk about how to better distribute the work load, so you get some time to yourself like he does. Maybe you guys trade off going to the gym in the evenings, or does your gym have a day care?
  • kittykat1994
    kittykat1994 Posts: 149 Member
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    Can you not hit the gym twice a week, straight after work for an hour or so whilst he looks after the kids and then twice a week he goes to the gym so it's fair? Whoever is looking after the kids can do a home workout.

    Also don't let yourself be pushed over. If I work late, my partner cooks, if he works late then I cook for us. You and your husband are partners and your supposed to be working as a team. He should support your weight loss.

    You definitely need to have a firm word with him and explain it all to him. It's not all about his weightloss and what suits him. He needs to learn to give too.

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