Weightloss causing Relationship issues?
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Glad you guys are able to get into some counselling. Perhaps that will help communicate the whole ''marriage and all that it entails such as the rearing of children and health of your spouse is a team effort' thing'. Selfishly looking out for one's own time/wants/needs at the expense of one's spouse's time/wants/needs is a no-no. He can't have it both ways. Either he helps out with cooking and kids or less OT expectations for you at work to give you the opportunity to a) find some time to exercise and more importantly b) find time to rest in the busy life it sounds like you can barely keep up with, quite often for his benefit......or he can keep his expectations, which are unrealistic given the circumstances, to himself.0
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If he has time to work out 4 nights a week and you really don't have any time at all there might be something wrong with the division of labour in your household.0
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I don't understand what you want to accomplish here. Your priorities seem normal to me, and quite clear; it just doesn't happen to be your fitness or weight, and it is your husband's. Aligning goals is a huge part of a relationship, and I hope that counseling helps; but your husband isn't automatically the bad guy. You're misleading him. You agreed to lose weight together, you are still saying you want to lose weight together, and yet you simply aren't prioritizing it.0
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My hubby and I don't have any kids but when I started to work out seriously a lot of things were getting pushed aside because I didn't have time to do everything on my own. I sat down with my hubby and we had a talk about delegating/splitting chores so we both had free time to do the things that needed/wanted to get done. IMO, if hubby goes to work later.... he should use the early time to go to the gym so that frees you up to go in the evening. Or, like another poster said... while the kids are asleep and hubby is at the gym... do a workout at home. This might mean that the online store gets pushed aside a few days a week... but if you tweek things around... talk about it with him... make a plan... it will all work out where you can both have the time you need for yourself.
Good luck!0 -
I'm very glad to hear you are in counseling. I think one on one therapy for just you could be good as well as you sound like there may be underlying depression and other problems. Obviously I'm not an expert but that is what I am getting from this thread. You sound like there is not much joy in your life and that makes me very sad because there seems to be a huge potential for happiness in your marriage, family, and home.
As for the material things, I know it's nice to have creature comforts and such and I'm not saying don't work...but I kind of got a vibe that you & your husband are working together toward a Big Dream of having a much nicer home & lots of stuff, will that really improve your marriage and/or health, mentally and physically?
I truly do wish the best for you!! Take care of yourself, above all.0 -
Men do tend to live in their own little world when they've been allowed to do that.
This is why I won't date only children or mama's boys (I mean the ones whose moms still do everything for them) unless there is some other evidence that suggests they've had significant experience in considering the needs of other people and doing their own cooking, cleaning, and laundry.0 -
Why the fk isnt he cooking dinner?0
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As for the material things, I know it's nice to have creature comforts and such and I'm not saying don't work...but I kind of got a vibe that you & your husband are working together toward a Big Dream of having a much nicer home & lots of stuff, will that really improve your marriage and/or health, mentally and physically?
Exactly what I think about on a daily basis.....it would make him happy for a short period of time. Then it would become my nightmare.
We have really nice things....so many things we have outgrown our house. He is a tech freak, and has to have the biggest best thing there is...every movie, game, tablet, phone, ps4, everything he wants. Everything in our home is less than 4 years old EVERYTHING but the carpeting.....he has A LOT of student loan debt, which is keeping us from buying a bigger home. I'm talking $61,000 currently.....his student loan payment is almost double our mortgage payment. Its insanity.....we both have a car payment but my car is a 2008 his is a 2013.....etc etc.
My online store is my dream. If i could I would quit my regular job and make this my regular job, but he would NEVER support that, because I make so much at my job. In fact my store is really successful, more successful than he wanted it to be. He told me to go thru Etsy to "try it out to see if people really bought my things" when I had 10 sales in the first month he was like oh wow....then when I went back to Full Time out of the home, he told me to quit my store.....just quit. Knowing full well that it was my dream. It broke my heart, and that was the beginning of this huge mess. I told him I was not going to give up my dream. That I enjoy making things for other people. And people love my store. I did agree to not take custom orders. Which has really slowed down my business, but i still have sales and the items are pre-made so i just package have to package them.0 -
Why the fk isnt he cooking dinner?
He says "I don't know what you want to eat, so I just don't cook"
Cop out.....I will say ANYTHING if you make something and I dont eat it, then that's just more leftovers for you.....i will eat cereal. The truth is I will eat anything he makes, and if its shrimp (allergic) I won't eat it, oh well I will eat cereal, or a bagel and turkey sausage I really don't care. Its just more excuses to eat out, because he's starving and doesn't want to cook.0 -
sounds like you have 3 kids.0
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The counciling - stick with it. The more you post the more it appears you are at a serious cross road for your marriage.0
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Why the fk isnt he cooking dinner?
He says "I don't know what you want to eat, so I just don't cook"
Cop out.....I will say ANYTHING if you make something and I dont eat it, then that's just more leftovers for you.....i will eat cereal. The truth is I will eat anything he makes, and if its shrimp (allergic) I won't eat it, oh well I will eat cereal, or a bagel and turkey sausage I really don't care. Its just more excuses to eat out, because he's starving and doesn't want to cook.
this i dont get and yes it would make me angry what is he doing from the time he gets off to the time you get home? He cant even brown the meat so you all can make a quick beef or chicken dish? Waste of money to go out all the time.0 -
I don't understand why your husbans gets to work out and you don't or why you're picking up the kids whilst he's getting home early...if he's home earlier than you why isn't he cooking dinner???
He sounds selfish, surely he can see how much you're juggling. Why on earth would you even need to tell him, is he blind?
Sorry, but I am tired of hearing of so many women doing a million things whilst the man goes to work comes home and does what he wants.
Bollox to that crap0 -
My hubby and I don't have any kids but when I started to work out seriously a lot of things were getting pushed aside because I didn't have time to do everything on my own. I sat down with my hubby and we had a talk about delegating/splitting chores so we both had free time to do the things that needed/wanted to get done. IMO, if hubby goes to work later.... he should use the early time to go to the gym so that frees you up to go in the evening. Or, like another poster said... while the kids are asleep and hubby is at the gym... do a workout at home. This might mean that the online store gets pushed aside a few days a week... but if you tweek things around... talk about it with him... make a plan... it will all work out where you can both have the time you need for yourself.
Good luck!
now that is an idea he could get up early too go work out and then have the evenings free for family time or let you go work out a few days a week0 -
If you both love each other then good for you for trying to work it out, but if the love isn't mutual then Why are you with him?? I don't know his story but dude sounds like a selfish jerk that don't give a **** about anyone but himself
Sounds like he is your biggest stress causer. You definitely don't need the stress! If I can raise my 3 children by myself and hold a job, I'm sure you would have no problem doing it!! or at least find someone that would appreciate you. Just saying! Don't give up on yourself!! Good Luck!! 0 -
Your husband needs to pull his finger out. Seriously.
Marriage is a partnership, not serfdom.0 -
Have you talked to your husband about this? I often have much longer days than my husband but we are both dedicated to working out - albeit for different reasons as he has a phenomenal body already. However, if I need him to do anything extra at home so I can get my workout in, he will. A lot of times I do a 25 minute workout if that's all I can get.
This week has been crazy for me and on top of extra hours at work I have had surgery so I also can't work out. i've compensated by eating much less than normal. You can still lose weight without working out.
What about working out on your lunch hour though? on the weekends?
Definitely sounds like you need to communicate with your husband... marriage is a team effort
Agree with this !!
A: Your husband needs to pitch in a little bit more with the kids and let you get to the gym or do some home workout.
B: I work out on my lunch hour. I have all sorts of healthy meals and snacks here at my desk and my workouts are a priority. You need to make your health and nutrition a priority.0 -
Your husband needs to pull his finger out. Seriously.
Marriage is a partnership, not serfdom.
Exactly. Both parties' feelings have to be taken in account. It is not about me me me, it is we we we.
Talk to him. Go on with therapy if you have to, if he listens to the therapist better... The therapist then should tell him to listen to you. Tell him how it makes you feel when he talks to you the way he does. If he does not get it, tell it to the therapist, and then he tells it to your husband, if it has to go that way.
Cut your schedule a little, so you get time for working out.
*hugs*0 -
Sounds like you guys need to sit down and have a talk about how to better distribute the work load, so you get some time to yourself like he does. Maybe you guys trade off going to the gym in the evenings, or does your gym have a day care?0
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Can you not hit the gym twice a week, straight after work for an hour or so whilst he looks after the kids and then twice a week he goes to the gym so it's fair? Whoever is looking after the kids can do a home workout.
Also don't let yourself be pushed over. If I work late, my partner cooks, if he works late then I cook for us. You and your husband are partners and your supposed to be working as a team. He should support your weight loss.
You definitely need to have a firm word with him and explain it all to him. It's not all about his weightloss and what suits him. He needs to learn to give too.0 -
I have been thinking about this all day and hope that maybe what I say makes sense. I am the cook at my house, always have been and always will be, my wife likes it that way and it works for us. I am also love Pinterest, lots of good ideas and receipes on there. But, my wife works all the time, she is out of shape and she hates it. What have I done?
1) I do all the cooking and clean up in the kitchen.
2) I pick up the kids and feed them most of the time before she gets home.
3) I do all of the laundry, washing, folding, putting away.
4) All of the lawn work.
5) Pet care
6) Basically anything that needs to be done around the house I try to have done so she wont have to worry about it.
On the flip side, what frustrates me most is when I do these things waiting for her to get home, she is too tired or not motivated to go to the gym. I wait for her because she likes to work out with me. I love that, but when she refuses to go I waited around for nothing and now it will be 9 or later when I get home and I still have to eat and feed my wife because the kids already ate.
Please dont think I am complaining, I love my wife very much and would do anything for her, but I cant motivate her to make her do something she does not want to do. I have had to fight off feelings of resentment and being taken for granted. I know she loves me and is having a rough patch with work and the strees she deals with day in and day out. All I can do is hang in there and be as supportive as I can be. Sometimes its tough, but we do these things for the people we love.
Have you talked to your husband about these issues and/or is he willing to help to make it easier on you?0 -
There sure is a lot of husband-bashing going on in here, based on a whole lot of flimsy assumptions.
Before hitching our own personal issues and hangups to the OP's train, it might be worth keeping in mind we've heard only one side of the story.0 -
So my husband and I started this journey together back in February. I was about 6 weeks post partum. We got on a meal delivery service and everything. We both had success I lost 24 lbs by May and he has lost about 40......I was only about 18 lbs from my goal weight, and I had medical issues which stalled my weightloss. I was unable to do some of the exercises I loved to do. Then I found out I had to have laprascopic surgery and would be down for up to 6 weeks. before my 6 weeks was up, I was laid off, and I became a stay at home mom with a 6 month old and a 5 year old who wouldn't start school til August (there went any time for myself). I started an online shop where I sell handmade baby quilts and blankets and would spend my extra time on that. (never really got the extra time til my daughter started school, then it was only nap time at my house) I went back to work at the end of October and now I am just struggling to find time to balance family, work, my store, girl scouts (i'm the leader) and my health....unfortunately my weight is my backburner, and I never get a moment to exercise. I am so out of shape, and to make matters worse, my husband is now 60 lbs down, and he looks down on me and my weight gain.....I am up almost 20 lbs I wake up at 4:30 every morning to be at work by 6....don't get home most evenings til 6 or 7pm with kids in tow.....this leaves no time for anything whatsoever.......and I am jealous that my husband just goes to the gym 4 nights a week at 8 pm the second the kids heads hit the pillow....and because I have to be up so early for my job I can never do that......he doesn't go to work til 7 or 7:30 doesn't get home til 5:30 or 6 and if i don't cook dinner we eat out, which is fine, but eating out and not working out causes weight gain.....i would continue to lose weight too if i ate out and spent 8 hours in the gym a week......How do I get out of this rut, I want to be supportive of my husband I am very proud of him, but I can't take it sometimes!
QUIT:
quilting
overtime
girl scout leader-ing
taking the kids in the morning
this should leave you time to workout. just stop doing those things. don't worry about who else will do it, someone else will pick up the slack. those aren't really strictly your duties. All the friends I know who have two working parents the one who goes in later takes the kids, for the sake of the kids getting more sleep and home time.0 -
I have been thinking about this all day and hope that maybe what I say makes sense. I am the cook at my house, always have been and always will be, my wife likes it that way and it works for us. I am also love Pinterest, lots of good ideas and receipes on there. But, my wife works all the time, she is out of shape and she hates it. What have I done?
1) I do all the cooking and clean up in the kitchen.
2) I pick up the kids and feed them most of the time before she gets home.
3) I do all of the laundry, washing, folding, putting away.
4) All of the lawn work.
5) Pet care
6) Basically anything that needs to be done around the house I try to have done so she wont have to worry about it.
On the flip side, what frustrates me most is when I do these things waiting for her to get home, she is too tired or not motivated to go to the gym. I wait for her because she likes to work out with me. I love that, but when she refuses to go I waited around for nothing and now it will be 9 or later when I get home and I still have to eat and feed my wife because the kids already ate.
Please dont think I am complaining, I love my wife very much and would do anything for her, but I cant motivate her to make her do something she does not want to do. I have had to fight off feelings of resentment and being taken for granted. I know she loves me and is having a rough patch with work and the strees she deals with day in and day out. All I can do is hang in there and be as supportive as I can be. Sometimes its tough, but we do these things for the people we love.
Have you talked to your husband about these issues and/or is he willing to help to make it easier on you?
Talk to her. If she is too tired to workout, do your workout alone. Tell her nicely that if she wants to workout, she has to be the one making the choice. You don't have to wait for your wife to eat with her. If you are hungry, eat first...0 -
I do know that he looks down on me, he has told me my weight gain is not good. I just want to turn into a 5 year old and say NO DUH!!! He also is on my about working overtime which takes 2 hours after my shift is over AND saturdays.....because we want a bigger house, and he is salary so he doesn't get overtime......
We just started Marriage counseling last night, and I have said exactly what I'm saying in here, but when I say it he doesn't hear me, the couselor can literally repeat me and then voila! he hears him.....its frustrating! He is tuned out to my needs.
I have been walking on my breaks and I feel ok about that. I love to use my dance games on wii I am going to start doing those when he leaves for the gym, I just know I won't be able to sleep afterward, that's a cause for concern....
I have just started logging my food again, and I have to say I think my biggest issue is either NOT eating for more than 4 hours.....or my meals in the evening....when I would be happy about having a bowl of cereal and some turkey sausage, my husband wants a real dinner which requires either me cooking or us eating out.....i'm sorry but there are no healthy choices at the BBQ places here in KC....but if i don't let him have the food he wants he is a JERK the rest of the evening to everyone kids included....and its bc he basically starves himself all day and then eats 1500 calories at once at dinner......total sabotaging my eating habits.....
QUIT:
cooking
postponing the dance workout
staying home when he goes to they gym
eating out will be fine, you will learn what to choose, don't be afraid. barbecue is not the devil :devil: procrasination is. if you wanna do the dance workout just eat a banana afterwards or warm milk and do some stretching to ease you into sleep. hot bath too. i personally would just be ready with my gym clothes on and the kids all bundled up ready for the gym day care waiting in the car when he's ready to hit the gym. train the kiddos to file out the door the minute they hear those keys jangling and you all pile in the car with him. i'd like to see him get out of that one!0 -
My husband is doing the Slow Carb Diet (like Atkins but you can eat certain carbs like say beans that you can't eat on Atkins). I make a big pot of healthy chili about every other week (he's a creature of habit) and that's what he takes to work for lunch every day. I also make a big tossed salad. It's a little bit easier to stay on track food-wise if you have healthy "grab and go" options on hand. If you can do stuff like that and have it at your disposal so you don't have to cook dinner every night it might help. If you have a crockpot, use it. It's a great time saver because you walk in the door and dinner's ready to go. It could give you those 30 minutes you need to workout. Yes, it can be hard to eat healthy when you eat out but you have to make a conscious decision to do so. You want to lose this weight for you, not for anyone else. You have to find the desire within yourself to want to do this and then do it, no excuses. I know it can be really challenging! I struggle with it and I don't have kids. Like others have suggested, eat your lunch at your desk so you can take your lunch hour to walk.
I hate to say it but your husband's not sabatoging your diet. I speak from experience. Just because he may want something that isn't healthy doesn't mean that you have to eat it. If my husband feels like eating something crappy and I join him, that's my own doing, not his or vice versa. Misery loves company.
I'm not going to comment on the marriage issues. I'll just say that I hope the counseling works and wish you nothing but the best with it. As far as you are concerned, try to find a way to make the time for YOU. There has to be things you can cut out that will allow you to do so. Because you're worth it!
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Your husband sounds like a complete ****. What he said to the counselor about "what he wants" makes me want to punch him in the face and I don't even know the guy. Or you for that matter. He wants everything, but doesn't want to do anything to get what he wants. I wouldn't put up with it.0
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Agreed.....LOL! When our daughter was about 10 months old (she's 5 now)he started shutting down towards me, I think because she was out of the baby stage and more independent and therefore needs more attention so I am the one willing to get down on the floor and play he is not.....and I think he almost competed with my attention towards her.......but he literally checked out......we split for a month back then....then he wanted to be a family again and came back Mr. Supportive and things were great
Fastforward to my son being 10 months old and it has started all over again......literally exactly the same attitude and lack of support. Completely Checked out.....i just can't get into his head to understand what is happening.....
QUIT:
worrying about this
trying to get inside his head
it's wasted energy and focus you could be spending on your goals. the therapist will get into his head and sort things out. don't care that he hears what the therapist says and not you. he is filtering all your complaints through the therapist for validation from said person. he thinks only what the therapist says is correct and you might have a bunch of nonsense coming out of your mouth. just be grateful he was willing to go to counseling and is willing to give anything the therapist relays for you any attention at all. you are on the upward slope of improvement if this is going on. many women don't have it so good.0 -
I don't normally get on with posting - but your husband needs to be helping you a but more.
The basics, which you know, are that you need your diet to be right - not having a lot of time etc is not really a valid excuse for eating too much or choosing the foods you know are not best for you.
You'll get a lot of replies, I am sure - but the big thing I read from your post - Your husband needs to support you and if he cannot see it, then tell him how it is.
You know you can do it - you just need a break and a new routine..and he can be the person that allows you to make the change
Why are you doing this all on your own?
Your husband is a parent too, he needs to do his share and you need to tell him.0 -
I love that, but when she refuses to go I waited around for nothing and now it will be 9 or later when I get home and I still have to eat and feed my wife because the kids already ate.
Oh God no, you don't have to feed her, she's a big girl now, she can feed herself.
Smh0
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