Weightloss causing Relationship issues?
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We fully expect to see a thread where he claims YOU are sabotaging HIM.
Yep.0 -
Sounds to me like the balance isn't right at the moment. You need to talk to him about what you need. Self care isn't selfish - if you aren't ok the people who love and rely on you won't be ok either.
Talk to him and be in no doubt you are entering into a negotiation. He may be reluctant as he'll probably need to pick up some things in order to free up time for you.0 -
its a common theme on the threads...my husband is sabotaging me ...or is not fair..he is losing and I am not ...and on and on and on ..
This situation doesn't even sound like sabotage. He just sounds pissed off that he's busting his *kitten* and she's jumped off the wagon.
OP, as crappy as it sounds I have a feeling he's fed up with your weight. Ask him straight up and see what he says. I'm willing to bet he'd love to get it out there. If I'm right, regardless of how unfair you think that is and how it makes you feel, you have two choices. Either work on getting in shape, and possibly improve your marriage, or don't, and most likely flush it down the crapper. Your call.
Shouldnt he also work on the marriage, or is it all on her bc she gained weight?
:noway:0 -
It sounds like you do everything and he benefits from that. You are the one that has to make the changes. You might also need to sacrifice one of your activities but to start with eating healthy doesn't mean giving up time.
Maybe start with change of how many calories you are eating every day and go from there.
He doesn't sound very helpful or supportive either but people will be like that if you create that situation at least that is my experience. It's super hard to ask for things for yourself or to say no but you'd be amazed at the difference it makes.
It's also amazing how many people will say nasty things to you and blame you for this because you wrote this post. It's hard to get the motivation started when you feel unsupported but just start with ONE small change and take it from there. All the best to you.0 -
I know what you're going through. My weight has caused some fights in my relationship as well. I know that he is not as affectionate as I would like him to be because he isn't as attracted to me as he once was. That is my main motivator. He loves me but I want him to desire me.We differ in that he is willing to help/encourage me. I'm trying once again to lose the weight. I know it's hard to find the time. Make little changes (ie. use the stairs not elevator, park further from the door, etc). Stay strong and tell him your concerns and ask him to help you out.0
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I have given this a great deal of thought....what is interesting to me is what I perceive as a lack of acknowledgement by the OP of constructive suggestions made by respondents. I am going out on a limb here and I will say I detect defensiveness and anger by OP.That's fine, but shedding that baggage first is mandatory before shedding weight.0
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Shouldnt he also work on the marriage...
And you know he isn't doing that...how, exactly?
A lot a y'all are clearly projecting your own lives onto this poorly-described situation - that isn't going to help the OP.0 -
I have given this a great deal of thought....what is interesting to me is what I perceive as a lack of acknowledgement by the OP of constructive suggestions made by respondents. I am going out on a limb here and I will say I detect defensiveness and anger by OP.That's fine, but shedding that baggage first is mandatory before shedding weight.
totally agree with this.0 -
I have given this a great deal of thought....what is interesting to me is what I perceive as a lack of acknowledgement by the OP of constructive suggestions made by respondents. I am going out on a limb here and I will say I detect defensiveness and anger by OP.That's fine, but shedding that baggage first is mandatory before shedding weight.
So you are assuming because I didn't respond to any comments since say 2:30 yesterday was because I didn't like them? How about I just didn't log back in until this morning when I got to work???
I am the first one to admit I have some resentment towards my husband. But my resentment lies in him using working out as an excuse to detach from our family. I don't appreciate the fact that he throws his weight loss and my weight gain in my face like he thinks it's going to help me or motivate me (saying things like "I had a ton of Mexican food last night for dinner and still lost 3 pounds is not motivation to me). Because he will literally b**** and complain to have Mexican food, knowing there were no healthy choices on the menu, and when I push back or tell him to go alone he treats everyone in the household with the silent treatment zoning into video games, or if he does speak its yelling and cursing. He acts like a child throwing a tantrum.
I don't think he is intentionally sabotaging me, its really lack of care of my needs as far as my diet goes. He chooses restaurants like this because he knows he can eat like that because he goes to the gym for 8 hours a week. He acts like a child because he starved himself all day and when I won't go with him to a restaurant so he can satisfy his craving/1500 calorie meal consumption, its all my fault.0 -
Shouldnt he also work on the marriage, or is it all on her bc she gained weight?
:noway:
They both need to work at it unless they want out of course. Keep standing up for the sisterhood of the stretchy pants though.0 -
OP, you need to work this out in therapy, which it sounds like you're doing. Without hearing his side of the story (because the truth is somewhere between what you're saying and what he thinks is going on) all this thread became is you complaining about your husband, who I'm sure would really appreciate you airing your private business here if he knew about it.0
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So my husband and I started this journey together back in February. I was about 6 weeks post partum. We got on a meal delivery service and everything. We both had success I lost 24 lbs by May and he has lost about 40......I was only about 18 lbs from my goal weight, and I had medical issues which stalled my weightloss. I was unable to do some of the exercises I loved to do. Then I found out I had to have laprascopic surgery and would be down for up to 6 weeks. before my 6 weeks was up, I was laid off, and I became a stay at home mom with a 6 month old and a 5 year old who wouldn't start school til August (there went any time for myself). I started an online shop where I sell handmade baby quilts and blankets and would spend my extra time on that. (never really got the extra time til my daughter started school, then it was only nap time at my house) I went back to work at the end of October and now I am just struggling to find time to balance family, work, my store, girl scouts (i'm the leader) and my health....unfortunately my weight is my backburner, and I never get a moment to exercise. I am so out of shape, and to make matters worse, my husband is now 60 lbs down, and he looks down on me and my weight gain.....I am up almost 20 lbs
I wake up at 4:30 every morning to be at work by 6....don't get home most evenings til 6 or 7pm with kids in tow.....this leaves no time for anything whatsoever.......and I am jealous that my husband just goes to the gym 4 nights a week at 8 pm the second the kids heads hit the pillow....and because I have to be up so early for my job I can never do that......he doesn't go to work til 7 or 7:30 doesn't get home til 5:30 or 6 and if i don't cook dinner we eat out, which is fine, but eating out and not working out causes weight gain.....i would continue to lose weight too if i ate out and spent 8 hours in the gym a week......How do I get out of this rut, I want to be supportive of my husband I am very proud of him, but I can't take it sometimes!
If some of the domestic work is taking up your time you should ask him to help you with it so the work load is more balance between the two of you and not falling completely on your shoulders. Try to get workouts in if you are heading somewhere even if it seems like an unconventional place and even if its only for a few minutes. It could be just a 5 minute brisk walk wherever you are because something is better than nothing.0 -
I have given this a great deal of thought....what is interesting to me is what I perceive as a lack of acknowledgement by the OP of constructive suggestions made by respondents. I am going out on a limb here and I will say I detect defensiveness and anger by OP.That's fine, but shedding that baggage first is mandatory before shedding weight.
So you are assuming because I didn't respond to any comments since say 2:30 yesterday was because I didn't like them? How about I just didn't log back in until this morning when I got to work???
I am the first one to admit I have some resentment towards my husband. But my resentment lies in him using working out as an excuse to detach from our family. I don't appreciate the fact that he throws his weight loss and my weight gain in my face like he thinks it's going to help me or motivate me (saying things like "I had a ton of Mexican food last night for dinner and still lost 3 pounds is not motivation to me). Because he will literally b**** and complain to have Mexican food, knowing there were no healthy choices on the menu, and when I push back or tell him to go alone he treats everyone in the household with the silent treatment zoning into video games, or if he does speak its yelling and cursing. He acts like a child throwing a tantrum.
I don't think he is intentionally sabotaging me, its really lack of care of my needs as far as my diet goes. He chooses restaurants like this because he knows he can eat like that because he goes to the gym for 8 hours a week. He acts like a child because he starved himself all day and when I won't go with him to a restaurant so he can satisfy his craving/1500 calorie meal consumption, its all my fault.
Would he make comments if he noticed you were making proper choices at the restaurant, like getting half of your order to go and only eating a small portion of it? I know its hard to do that, I'm struggling myself when it comes to not having the best choices around me but the reality is that we have to learn how to control our eating in these situations or we'll continue to fail. I do think he needs to be more fair, like perhaps one time he can pick the place and the next time you get to pick the place.0 -
I have given this a great deal of thought....what is interesting to me is what I perceive as a lack of acknowledgement by the OP of constructive suggestions made by respondents. I am going out on a limb here and I will say I detect defensiveness and anger by OP.That's fine, but shedding that baggage first is mandatory before shedding weight.
So you are assuming because I didn't respond to any comments since say 2:30 yesterday was because I didn't like them? How about I just didn't log back in until this morning when I got to work???
I am the first one to admit I have some resentment towards my husband. But my resentment lies in him using working out as an excuse to detach from our family. I don't appreciate the fact that he throws his weight loss and my weight gain in my face like he thinks it's going to help me or motivate me (saying things like "I had a ton of Mexican food last night for dinner and still lost 3 pounds is not motivation to me). Because he will literally b**** and complain to have Mexican food, knowing there were no healthy choices on the menu, and when I push back or tell him to go alone he treats everyone in the household with the silent treatment zoning into video games, or if he does speak its yelling and cursing. He acts like a child throwing a tantrum.
I don't think he is intentionally sabotaging me, its really lack of care of my needs as far as my diet goes. He chooses restaurants like this because he knows he can eat like that because he goes to the gym for 8 hours a week. He acts like a child because he starved himself all day and when I won't go with him to a restaurant so he can satisfy his craving/1500 calorie meal consumption, its all my fault.
Would he make comments if he noticed you were making proper choices at the restaurant, like getting half of your order to go and only eating a small portion of it? I know its hard to do that, I'm struggling myself when it comes to not having the best choices around me but the reality is that we have to learn how to control our eating in these situations or we'll continue to fail. I do think he needs to be more fair, like perhaps one time he can pick the place and the next time you get to pick the place.
I always share with my 5 year old, we don't order kids plates for her she always shares with me, so its not my portion sizes its the crap they put on the table before we order LOL and yeah its hard to resist tortilla chips or rolls....chips i can say no too but its the rolls UGH bread!!! I have a weakness, and I know that is all my fault, but if i tell the server to just leave them, he will ask them for them after we sit down UGH! I just need more support from him in all aspects of life....0 -
You know, there isn't a law that you all have to eat the same thing for dinner. My husband and I frequently (usually) eat different things. This was a source of conflict before we were separated, but now we each plan and prepare our own meals. He likes to eat junk and I eat healthy. My daughter is a super-taster and is extremely sensitive to strong flavors, so she often eats a different, simple healthy meal as well (turkey sandwich with fruit, soup and sandwich, chicken nuggets and fruit, etc.).
Why do you have to eat out so often? Make dinner for yourself and your daughter and let your husband make his own meal or eat out by himself. He is being a bully, and you are being co-dependent.
Do what you want to do and let him do what he wants to do. You have no control over his actions, and ultimately, if you refuse to cave in to his tantrums and nastiness, he has no control over your actions. Do what you want, and allow him to do what he wants. You are responsible for your children's well-being and happiness, but you don't need to meet his every demand.0 -
So my husband and I started this journey together back in February. I was about 6 weeks post partum. We got on a meal delivery service and everything. We both had success I lost 24 lbs by May and he has lost about 40......I was only about 18 lbs from my goal weight, and I had medical issues which stalled my weightloss. I was unable to do some of the exercises I loved to do. Then I found out I had to have laprascopic surgery and would be down for up to 6 weeks. before my 6 weeks was up, I was laid off, and I became a stay at home mom with a 6 month old and a 5 year old who wouldn't start school til August (there went any time for myself). I started an online shop where I sell handmade baby quilts and blankets and would spend my extra time on that. (never really got the extra time til my daughter started school, then it was only nap time at my house) I went back to work at the end of October and now I am just struggling to find time to balance family, work, my store, girl scouts (i'm the leader) and my health....unfortunately my weight is my backburner, and I never get a moment to exercise. I am so out of shape, and to make matters worse, my husband is now 60 lbs down, and he looks down on me and my weight gain.....I am up almost 20 lbs I wake up at 4:30 every morning to be at work by 6....don't get home most evenings til 6 or 7pm with kids in tow.....this leaves no time for anything whatsoever.......and I am jealous that my husband just goes to the gym 4 nights a week at 8 pm the second the kids heads hit the pillow....and because I have to be up so early for my job I can never do that......he doesn't go to work til 7 or 7:30 doesn't get home til 5:30 or 6 and if i don't cook dinner we eat out, which is fine, but eating out and not working out causes weight gain.....i would continue to lose weight too if i ate out and spent 8 hours in the gym a week......How do I get out of this rut, I want to be supportive of my husband I am very proud of him, but I can't take it sometimes!
So, this hour to 90 minutes your husband apperantly has to himself after gets off work? What does he do then? Can he fix dinner then? Work out? That would free up some of your time.0 -
OP, we really can't help you because we don't know the full story, and no one should be jumping in and slamming your husband without knowing both sides. If what you say is true and accurate, then it sounds like there are issues, but again, I don't think anyone should be sitting there trying to give you advice based on an internet rant. The answer really comes down to - work it out or don't for the relationship and lack of support. We all have to make our own decisions on how we are going to handle certain situations - for example, sustained situations such as you have described would equal me being divorced after attempts to fix it failed. Someone else may just adapt. Who knows. You're in counseling, so your very best bet for that is to deal with it there.
So that comes back to what you can control right now and what we can truly give advice on, and that is the weight loss component of it, because that can be totally independent of your husband issues. It can only be independent of it if you get some willpower and be strong, of course, but it can be done. Loads of people here have done so.
It's been mentioned multiple times in this thread, and I posted once already, so I would just go back and reread people's suggestions on how to handle your own weight loss independent of the other issues.
If all you want is people telling you 'gee, your husband is a jerk,' well, you've gotten that too (inappropriately given the lack of knowledge of facts) so you've got your internet 'fight friends' and such - though I will say that this is a detrimental cycle to be in, as it means you want someone to acknowledge your side unconditionally and that isn't fair at all. You've got therapy, use it.
Hopefully he will be up for some compromise after some therapy sessions s/a less eating out, eating out alone, or bringing it as take home so you can eat together but with separate foods. And you can be up for some compromise like eating out sometimes while still sticking to your diet. I eat Mexican food all the time and keep within my calories. I pull the # of chips in a serving out of the basket onto my plate and only eat that, I exercise more to have more calories to burn, I pick items without heavy sauces, ask for less cheese if I really need to (usually I exercise more so I can have ALL THE CHEESE), get black beans instead of refried, eat half a portion instead of the full portion, etc. I've not yet been to a Mexican place that doesn't have some way to eat healthier and with lower calories, so I'm guessing what it is is that nothing appeals to you. Try to find something that does. Use the kids' menu, whatever.
Relationships are work and compromise, and if it is true that one party is not doing that, then yes, there is a problem, but the internet can't solve it for you.0 -
I don't get why someone would slag their spouse in public like this.0
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Interesting.
I work 40hours a week, have a house, child, family friends and still manage to do what I need to do to lose weight.
My husband works 40-60 hours a week, doesn't help that much and loves to eat crap...so does my son.
If that is all it takes you to gain weight and not exercise imagine if you really had issues....like a sick child, no husband etc.
Time to face facts. You want to lose weight? then do it. Cut down on calories, exercise in the evening while he is at the gym...there are always alternatives if you really want it.
BTW he is not sabatoging you ....you are....the weight loss is not causing the issues...there are issues being brought to light due to you blaming him instead of looking for alternatives.0 -
Cancel the gym membership to help save money for the bigger house. Work out together at home after the kids are in bed, or as a family during active outings together. Insist on more equitable division of labor with child care, meal preparation, earning of extra money, housework, etc. Say no to any additional demands on your time ( scouts ) as you are clearly overwhelmed. You're doing it all yourself now. Let him know it wouldn't be much more difficult to erase him from the whole arrangement, and might actually relieve some of your stress. IMO.0
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