what to do about kid failing
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After reading all the posts, here are my thoughts.
He has recently been pulled out of his home environment and possibly changed schools. Altho yes, he needed to be taken out of his environment, it still is a loss for him and affects his self esteem and motivation.
From his perspective, it may be perceived as "Mom didn't want me and dumped me on Dad and his new wife, who don't have a clue about what I am going thru. Nothing I do is right. I am tired of trying to please everyone. I just don't care anymore."
You are quite a bit younger than his mother, and he may have been hearing his mother complain about you and his dad for awhile, so he came in with a chip on shoulder to begin with. Don't know the situation, but this is common among divorces.
You and Dad will need to earn some street cred with him.
Are you happy that he is living with you? really? Most likely you resent the fact that you now have to raise HIS son, cuz mom did a lousy job at it. You work 7 days a week. You have no experience with raising kids. And you get thrown into motherhood with a 17 yr old who has been thru a lot.
You are way in over your head, and need some help.
Where is dad in all of this? You haven't mentioned him at all. Sounds like he has left all of this to you to figure out on your own.
HE needs to be doing most of the legwork here. HE is the parent and has the responsibility of helping HIS son get thru this tough time and learn how to succeed. Yes, you are a team, and you will need to be involved, but the teen will do much better if he feels like his dad actually wants him there in your household, and feels like he is worth the time and effort.
Family counseling would be a big help for all of you. This is a huge turning point in this kid's life. If he feels like a failure now, he will become a statistic. He will drop out of school and make so many bad choices for his life.
You and dad need to become a team. Help this young man to feel like he is wanted and accepted into your family. Look at him thru his eyes and see the pain and struggle that he can't express in any other way accept what appears to you as apathy.
Do everything you can to convince him that you love him, you understand his struggles, and you truly want to help him to succeed.
Yeah, it is hard parenting a teen when you have had them from day one and all is going well. It is even harder in your situation.
Be the hero that this young man needs.
Well said. I agree 100%! :flowerforyou:0 -
I have been nice, mean, strict, lenient and now I feel like I just don't care anymore because I feel like he isn't TRULY putting in the effort.
Terms to describe effective parenting: love, nurture, positive reinforcement, consistency, patience, guidance, balance, leading by example, boundaries appropriate to age, follow through, and the list could go on and on.
When you describe your interactions with your step son as "nice, mean, strict, lenient", it describes a situation where you have tried going from one extreme to the other. The balance of successful parenting is in the wisdom to walk in the middle of that road. Not always the easiest thing to do - but certainly gets better results.0 -
Ok ... insults aside:
One poster made a very good suggestion a couple of pages ago that really shouldn't get lost: Suggest he take a look at Khan Academy. They really have a brilliant way of teaching maths that come at it from a different angle which "clicks" with some people for whom nothing else has worked. Also, they're "programming" section is pretty cool and lets you code up your own little computer games to share with the community (which require math to calculate positions of everything, etc, so it sneaks some math in).
I assume you understand Algebra. Have you considered offering to help him check his homework? Not demanding it, but just saying "I get you're frustrated when you do the work and think you've got it then don't get the grade you want. Would you like me to help you check your answers"?
I get that you're frustrated. I was step-parent to two teenage boys, not in their younger years, I just got the teens, lucky me. And, I too, was younger than their parents. What worked for me was focusing on why I liked them ... because a failed class isn't the be-all, end-all. They can't be perfect all the time. No one can. I'm pretty sure the best thing I did ever as a step parent was the day I got home and the younger one just started yelling at me (I don't even remember what he was yelling) and I just looked at him and asked if he'd just had the crappiest day ever and would prefer to yell ('cause I'd be happy to let him vent) or would rather go out to dinner and just ****ing relax and let the day go. He picked dinner, we went out, got something to eat, then stopped at an arcade and played some pvp shooting game for two hours.
You can't force him to be good at math. You can be available to help if he asks for it though. And, honestly, algebra isn't the most important thing he'll learn at 17. At 17, if he learns how to handle his own emotions, be kind to others, be helpful and accept help when he needs it, and take the first steps toward being a responsible caring adult ... algebra really won't matter that much.
You can always learn algebra later ... how to be a caring adult is one of those things that the earlier you learn it, the more years you benefit from it and the less regrets you'll have later.0 -
I'm another person who had issues with the abstractness of algebra. The way I got around it was to divide my page in two, do the algebra bit in one half and then check it on the other side by putting numbers in place of the letters. It works for algebra and calculus to a certain extent.0
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After reading all the posts, here are my thoughts.
He has recently been pulled out of his home environment and possibly changed schools. Altho yes, he needed to be taken out of his environment, it still is a loss for him and affects his self esteem and motivation.
From his perspective, it may be perceived as "Mom didn't want me and dumped me on Dad and his new wife, who don't have a clue about what I am going thru. Nothing I do is right. I am tired of trying to please everyone. I just don't care anymore."
You are quite a bit younger than his mother, and he may have been hearing his mother complain about you and his dad for awhile, so he came in with a chip on shoulder to begin with. Don't know the situation, but this is common among divorces.
You and Dad will need to earn some street cred with him.
Are you happy that he is living with you? really? Most likely you resent the fact that you now have to raise HIS son, cuz mom did a lousy job at it. You work 7 days a week. You have no experience with raising kids. And you get thrown into motherhood with a 17 yr old who has been thru a lot.
You are way in over your head, and need some help.
Where is dad in all of this? You haven't mentioned him at all. Sounds like he has left all of this to you to figure out on your own.
HE needs to be doing most of the legwork here. HE is the parent and has the responsibility of helping HIS son get thru this tough time and learn how to succeed. Yes, you are a team, and you will need to be involved, but the teen will do much better if he feels like his dad actually wants him there in your household, and feels like he is worth the time and effort.
Family counseling would be a big help for all of you. This is a huge turning point in this kid's life. If he feels like a failure now, he will become a statistic. He will drop out of school and make so many bad choices for his life.
You and dad need to become a team. Help this young man to feel like he is wanted and accepted into your family. Look at him thru his eyes and see the pain and struggle that he can't express in any other way accept what appears to you as apathy.
Do everything you can to convince him that you love him, you understand his struggles, and you truly want to help him to succeed.
Yeah, it is hard parenting a teen when you have had them from day one and all is going well. It is even harder in your situation.
Be the hero that this young man needs.
Well said. I agree 100%! :flowerforyou:
I was thinking this too, who knows what baggage the boy has and by all rights is entitled to.0 -
I failed algebra, but I got an A+ in geometry. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Get him a tutor. Study with him.0
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You sound like you have given up on him...awesome.
you wanna know what you sound like.............prob not. Continue on being useless to others. Awesome.
I love these guys showing up saying absolutely nothing of importance for no other reason than to see there words on the screen.
What's the point of showing up and being useless? Just to be an @ss about something. Glad you have that kind of time in your day.
Now if you don't mind, I'll get back to my grown up problems.
Sounds to me like I struck a nerve.
So, you didnt tell her what she wanted to hear and she disagreed with your opinion and her response was that you are useless. The same thing happened to me, except I was called names.
She sure has a lot of time to be here on MFP, but not enough to spend on Algegra at home. Thats kind of a bummer for the kid. I was hoping to see a post about the experience of doing homework with him last night and what the outcome was. You know, something to show moving in a positive direction. But no, I didnt see it. Just more combative remarks about not giving any advice or kissing the OPs *kitten* telling them how awesome they are and everything they wanna hear.
Wow. What a sad thread full of excuses. Everyone is suddenly jumping in on this kid and labeling lazy, or with some mental disorder because he is failing algebra.
Bs.
There is a tutor and an adult and the homework isn't being checked? Well, two people are failing.
I taught remedial math 20 years ago to students that had failed in the year.
The basic issue was that they had not learned the basics, we usually had to go back and rebuild on a lot of stuff that wasn't learned.
Focus on the work and just do it over and over again. Every damn day.
If the parent or the tutor can't identify the exact weaknesses within the subject area, there is the weakness not some internet diagnosis of ADHD.
The best advice was right here, but she over looked that and decided to get argumentative when similar advice was presented in a different format that she didnt like.
Oh did you mean in a rude format which was what you used. You weren't being bluntly honest you were being rude for the sake of it, do you really think people will want to take your advice when you insult them first. You don't win many people to your side do you? Nobody likes people who give rude judgemental advice or just come on here to not even give advice but just to be an @ss to someone. So as soon as the insult came out I immediately knew you weren't the kind of person I wanted to be taking advice from. You tripped right out of the gate. Go back and read yourself again and think about whether you really handled it the right way. Be honest with yourself because you will be the only one you are lying to if you think you handled that like an adult and someone who has worthwhile advice that should be taken.0 -
Maybe you should spend less time on mfp and more time helpung your stepson?
I just love this one. My stepson doesn't come with me to work, he is at school so please enlighten me on how I should be spending time helping him right now. Oh and before you try to tell me what you think you know about me needing to do my job, I have up and down time that I can do with what I wish. Any other prejudging you wanna do?0 -
You sound like you have given up on him...awesome.
you wanna know what you sound like.............prob not. Continue on being useless to others. Awesome.
I love these guys showing up saying absolutely nothing of importance for no other reason than to see there words on the screen.
What's the point of showing up and being useless? Just to be an @ss about something. Glad you have that kind of time in your day.
Now if you don't mind, I'll get back to my grown up problems.
Wow, Hawkeye, I think you really hit the bulls-eye there, a response like that proves it
On your profile "Be warned! I'm a sarcastic Atheist who jokes around a lot!"
Case and point, remember what I said about grown up problems. I realize you just want a rise because you like bickering with people on the internet so you jumped in to see if you could get in on the action but I am actually trying to get some advice here so........................yeah.0 -
You sound like you have given up on him...awesome.
you wanna know what you sound like.............prob not. Continue on being useless to others. Awesome.
I love these guys showing up saying absolutely nothing of importance for no other reason than to see there words on the screen.
What's the point of showing up and being useless? Just to be an @ss about something. Glad you have that kind of time in your day.
Now if you don't mind, I'll get back to my grown up problems.
Original post says "I've kinda just stopped caring because he's gotta grow up sometime and realize some things just don't go away. Part of me wants to just let this happen and him just learn the hard way. "
And yet...
OP gets mad when someone says the same thing, but worded just a little bit different.
Seems legit.
Also, by "grown up problems," do you mean posting a personal question in a public forum and then getting mad when someone doesn't post the exact responses you want?
and what response do you think I wanted? I posted with no real sway going one way or the other so I wasn't looking for someone to agree with me and back a decision I already made. I get mad when people are RUDE giving advice, not the advice they give if it's good. That makes all the difference doesn't it. Where was I rude or mad with someone that was politely giving me useful advice? And save your high and mighty crap on the public forum BS just because I posted for helpful advice didn't mean I wanted somebody to be rude to me for the sake of it and saying I shouldn't have kids because I am frustrated about an algebra class. That the advice I should take? If you think so then you can save your advice as well, you are wasting your time.0 -
You are not doing yourself any favors by responding defensively when folks are pointing out what you actually wrote. Your intentions may differ, and I believe they do, but what is in black and white is. You haven't given up because you are here. Stop being pissed off and try a little humility. I think you will find it helpful. Parenting is the hardest job EVER. And you inherited the job, I think that makes it even harder. Sometimes I think practicing a little kindness can go a long ways. To your step-son, to yourself, and even to those people who are currently doing a really good job of pushing your buttons.
Good luck to you and your family.0 -
How did you think your stepson would feel if he read your OP?0
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How did you think your stepson would feel if he read your OP?
This is nothing we haven't already talked about. Of course I have talked to him first, several times trying several different avenues. We are extremely open with each other and I like to be real and honest with him, but I realize he is still a teenager and his brain isn't fully developed yet so he will try to manipulate and be evasive to avoid trouble and consequences. Being that I have been a stepmom for only about 6 months to a 17 year old who will be the first to tell you that he was raised in a harsh enviroment with no one caring about his grades or when he came home. I have no previous children so no experience there. Hence why I am getting public opinion. I did expect some rude public opinions but damn't I have enough problems with trying to get him straight and to be a responsible accountable adult that contributes to society and doesn't feel entitled to just getting things without working for them. Hence the thought on letting him learn the hard way. I have very little time to work with him because I got a second job so I work seven days a week so he can have good food and warm clothes (was from florida so no winter clothes) Top that with a dachshund that was paralyzed and had to have surgery(very expensive) and a husband with back issues who can't help much) He is also ****e at algebra so no help there. I think considering all this, and that he isn't from my loins I am doing what I can the best I know how. So sorry if it pisses me off some prejudging crotch pheasant who doesn't know even a little bit of what is going on is going to prejudge me as being a bad parent because I am trying to find ways to help him with an algebra class. So no I don't cotton to being giving rude advice when they just want to be holier than thou. Considering my stepson hugs me every single day and calls me mom I dont' think I am doing too damn bad.0 -
How did you think your stepson would feel if he read your OP?
This is nothing we haven't already talked about. Of course I have talked to him first, several times trying several different avenues. We are extremely open with each other and I like to be real and honest with him, but I realize he is still a teenager and his brain isn't fully developed yet so he will try to manipulate and be evasive to avoid trouble and consequences. Being that I have been a stepmom for only about 6 months to a 17 year old who will be the first to tell you that he was raised in a harsh enviroment with no one caring about his grades or when he came home. I have no previous children so no experience there. Hence why I am getting public opinion. I did expect some rude public opinions but damn't I have enough problems with trying to get him straight and to be a responsible accountable adult that contributes to society and doesn't feel entitled to just getting things without working for them. Hence the thought on letting him learn the hard way. I have very little time to work with him because I got a second job so I work seven days a week so he can have good food and warm clothes (was from florida so no winter clothes) Top that with a dachshund that was paralyzed and had to have surgery(very expensive) and a husband with back issues who can't help much) He is also ****e at algebra so no help there. I think considering all this, and that he isn't from my loins I am doing what I can the best I know how. So sorry if it pisses me off some prejudging crotch pheasant who doesn't know even a little bit of what is going on is going to prejudge me as being a bad parent because I am trying to find ways to help him with an algebra class. So no I don't cotton to being giving rude advice when they just want to be holier than thou. Considering my stepson hugs me every single day and calls me mom I dont' think I am doing too damn bad.
In your OP you basically called him stupid, and a failure.
Try that route.0 -
Shakes head *****backs away slowly*****0
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How did you think your stepson would feel if he read your OP?
This is nothing we haven't already talked about. Of course I have talked to him first, several times trying several different avenues. We are extremely open with each other and I like to be real and honest with him, but I realize he is still a teenager and his brain isn't fully developed yet so he will try to manipulate and be evasive to avoid trouble and consequences. Being that I have been a stepmom for only about 6 months to a 17 year old who will be the first to tell you that he was raised in a harsh enviroment with no one caring about his grades or when he came home. I have no previous children so no experience there. Hence why I am getting public opinion. I did expect some rude public opinions but damn't I have enough problems with trying to get him straight and to be a responsible accountable adult that contributes to society and doesn't feel entitled to just getting things without working for them. Hence the thought on letting him learn the hard way. I have very little time to work with him because I got a second job so I work seven days a week so he can have good food and warm clothes (was from florida so no winter clothes) Top that with a dachshund that was paralyzed and had to have surgery(very expensive) and a husband with back issues who can't help much) He is also ****e at algebra so no help there. I think considering all this, and that he isn't from my loins I am doing what I can the best I know how. So sorry if it pisses me off some prejudging crotch pheasant who doesn't know even a little bit of what is going on is going to prejudge me as being a bad parent because I am trying to find ways to help him with an algebra class. So no I don't cotton to being giving rude advice when they just want to be holier than thou. Considering my stepson hugs me every single day and calls me mom I dont' think I am doing too damn bad.
In your OP you basically called him stupid, and a failure.
Try that route.
yea will do thanks for the awesome advice0 -
You sound like you have given up on him...awesome.
you wanna know what you sound like.............prob not. Continue on being useless to others. Awesome.
I love these guys showing up saying absolutely nothing of importance for no other reason than to see there words on the screen.
What's the point of showing up and being useless? Just to be an @ss about something. Glad you have that kind of time in your day.
Now if you don't mind, I'll get back to my grown up problems.
Original post says "I've kinda just stopped caring because he's gotta grow up sometime and realize some things just don't go away. Part of me wants to just let this happen and him just learn the hard way. "
And yet...
OP gets mad when someone says the same thing, but worded just a little bit different.
Seems legit.
Also, by "grown up problems," do you mean posting a personal question in a public forum and then getting mad when someone doesn't post the exact responses you want?
and what response do you think I wanted? I posted with no real sway going one way or the other so I wasn't looking for someone to agree with me and back a decision I already made. I get mad when people are RUDE giving advice, not the advice they give if it's good. That makes all the difference doesn't it. Where was I rude or mad with someone that was politely giving me useful advice? And save your high and mighty crap on the public forum BS just because I posted for helpful advice didn't mean I wanted somebody to be rude to me for the sake of it and saying I shouldn't have kids because I am frustrated about an algebra class. That the advice I should take? If you think so then you can save your advice as well, you are wasting your time.
Honestly, I have no clue what response you want. You're spending a lot of time getting defensive or agitated at random strangers instead of glossing over their posts, ignoring them and focusing on something that may be useful to your situation and engaging with those people. You should be quoting them, talk to them, inquire from them how you can help your son...instead, you quote me and HawkeyeTy and whoever else, and you want to call us to the mat. You want to be defensive and righteously indignant and spend your time proving to us how we're wasting our time...and yet...you keep posting.
Is this the way you assist your son? I ask, because I have no clue what type of person you are. I don't know how you interact with him, and yes, based on the minuscule amount of information given, this is a fair question that can determine how someone is to answer.
This whole conversation could have gone a different way, based on your reactions and your posts, as much as it is our reactions and posts. You choose who to engage with, you choose who and how you answer in a public forum.
You ask the question, you answer questions from people who are trying to clarify exactly what information you are actually trying to obtain, you ask questions of your own to those who have submitted a suggestion or practice that you might try following, you continue those back and forth interactions until you reach a solution that might find beneficial...
as for the rest...
you ignore them and move on with what should be the most important, helping your son with algebra.0 -
How did you think your stepson would feel if he read your OP?
This is nothing we haven't already talked about. Of course I have talked to him first, several times trying several different avenues. We are extremely open with each other and I like to be real and honest with him, but I realize he is still a teenager and his brain isn't fully developed yet so he will try to manipulate and be evasive to avoid trouble and consequences. Being that I have been a stepmom for only about 6 months to a 17 year old who will be the first to tell you that he was raised in a harsh enviroment with no one caring about his grades or when he came home. I have no previous children so no experience there. Hence why I am getting public opinion. I did expect some rude public opinions but damn't I have enough problems with trying to get him straight and to be a responsible accountable adult that contributes to society and doesn't feel entitled to just getting things without working for them. Hence the thought on letting him learn the hard way. I have very little time to work with him because I got a second job so I work seven days a week so he can have good food and warm clothes (was from florida so no winter clothes) Top that with a dachshund that was paralyzed and had to have surgery(very expensive) and a husband with back issues who can't help much) He is also ****e at algebra so no help there. I think considering all this, and that he isn't from my loins I am doing what I can the best I know how. So sorry if it pisses me off some prejudging crotch pheasant who doesn't know even a little bit of what is going on is going to prejudge me as being a bad parent because I am trying to find ways to help him with an algebra class. So no I don't cotton to being giving rude advice when they just want to be holier than thou. Considering my stepson hugs me every single day and calls me mom I dont' think I am doing too damn bad.
Two questions:
If he calls you Mom, why does it matter if he's "from my loins"? If you're his Mom, own it. It makes a difference.
WTH is a crotch pheasant?
ETA: Never mind the second question. Urban Dictionary to the rescue.
Replace that question with:
Why are you calling people crotch pheasants in the thread supposedly devoted to helping your son learn algebra? If something isn't helpful, ignore it and move on until you find something helpful ... then quote the helpful post and try to engage people in a discussion on how the helpful thing might work.
You just spent 5 pages *****ing out anyone who said anything you didn't like and haven't engaged at all with any of the helpful responses. Did you just write this thread so you could yell at people and because crotch pheasant was your word of the day and you hadn't been able to work it into conversation yet?0 -
Still really curious where "Dad" is during all of this...0
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Still really curious where "Dad" is during all of this...
He is probably shaking hands with my EX !! When I divorced he thought paying his child support was all that was needed to bring up the boys … HE CALLED IT ``making me rich with all the money he was giving me`` Never around to help in any way - My 18 and 22 yr old have not seen their father for over 6 yrs . You can`t make them be a father !!0
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