Another stupid relationship post... Need opinions :/
SpicyJ0614
Posts: 7
in Chit-Chat
Hi all,
I use another account on here regularly, and created this for a bit of anonymity. So, lovely people of the MFP forums, I need your opinions on what you might do if you were in my situation...
The facts:
-I'm a 26 year old girl, dating a 40 year old guy
-Never been engaged or married, he has not either
-Neither of us have any children
-We have been together for 4 years, living together for the last 2 years. We both work full time, split living costs, etc.
We met online when I was 22. At the time, he told me he was 32. All was well, I didn't think about the age difference that much, he's a great guy, and 3-4 months after we began dating - I found out he'd lied to me about his age... and was really 36. I found out accidentally, he didn't make the choice to tell me. A friend of his asked him how old he was, and his reply of "mid thirties" made me go :huh:. Not trying to make a scene in front of a group of friends, when we left that night, I asked him to tell me the truth.
After I found that out, I was kinda iffy about whether or not I should continue to see him. He admitted that the reason he'd not been honest was because he knew how much younger I was, and figured I wouldn't even go on a date with him if he'd been honest. He also knew that just a few months after we met, I was planning on moving away (which I did), so he kind of assumed that I wasn't looking for a serious relationship when I tried the online dating thing. I didn't know what I was looking for either TBH, and did not expect to meet anyone that I really liked.
So of course, I continued to date him, and he assured me he'd been honest about everything else he'd told me about himself (which was true, unless there's still an ex wife or a kid I've never heard about lol... KIDDING).
Things seemed to be going well for the next few years, I moved back to the same area that he lived in, we moved in together, bought furniture together, got a pet together, and all of that other stupid *kitten* you do when you're in love and are seriously planning a future with someone.
Now... there are a few differences between us that I used to not pay too much attention to, but now that we've been together for so long, I am questioning whether or not this is what I want for myself for the rest of my life. Not that I am trying to be totally selfish, but...
-Children. I want at least one kid at some point, no rush, but I definitely do. Whether it's pregnancy or adoption, I want a child. He kind of used to joke about how he was sure he'd probably be a horrible dad and wouldn't know how to care for a child. Now that we've been together for a decent amount of time, it seems crystal clear to me that he does not want children, ever. He says things like "isn't it just so nice with just me and you here? We can travel or go anywhere we want", and "Are you really sure you seriously want to have kids?". He has also asked me if having children is a non-negotiable, and I said "yes, I want a child/children. Not negotiable," and that sort of ended the conversation, neither of us have brought it up since.
-Marriage. He's been saying for like a year now that he's going to propose to me. In November, he said "what if I proposed to you around Christmas?", my response was jokingly "I think it's supposed to be a surprise so... I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that". Christmas came and went, and now he's like "maybe Valentine's Day...". It's starting to aggravate me as I know he's not going to, and it's just kind of annoying me that he keeps saying *kitten* like that if he has no intentions of doing so. Even if we were engaged, I'd have no interest in planning a wedding any time soon, but it's kind of now become a joke to his parents every time we see them on holidays (they'll say stuff like "seriously XXXXXX... we're 78 years old. How long are you going to make us wait?").
-Sex life, or lack thereof. He's always been kind of vanilla / sex only in the bedroom / once or twice a week before bed type of guy.... I am the exact opposite, and have been the entire time I've known him. He jokes that I want to have sex way too often. He also is not open to trying anything new, and the sex is decent at best. He's never actually given me an orgasm (other partners certainly have... he just genuinely doesn't seem to care, or is not interested in learning how to please me). Lately, he has not initiated sex at all, and when I initiate, he's not really interested most of the time. I've thought that it might be low testosterone, but this is a guy that has not been to a single doctor/dentist appointment in the entire time I've known him... he doesn't even have a primary care physician. He's also quite stubborn and not open minded when it comes to a LOT of things, so I know that even if I tried to gently bring it up to him, it would cause some sort of crazy fight between us and I'd hurt his feelings.
-Social life. I have a few close friends (all girls), all of us work in different fields on different work schedules, and we don't see each other too often. Maybe once or twice a month for dinner, drinks, brunch, hiking in the summer, etc. when we can all find a day to get together. About half of them are single, and so as to eliminate any third wheel/etc. nonsense, we generally just go out on our own without our SO. Over the last few months, he's made remarks like "you're going out and leaving me at home by myself so you can go have fun with your friends?" kind of acting like he's hurt by the fact that I want to see my friends once in a while. He, on the other hand, has not seen ANY of his close friends in about a year. They all live an hour away where he used to live, and he's made no attempts to go hang out with them (I've even offered to DD for them once in a while and let them go out to do their thing without their girlfriends/wives). About half of his friends are married, none have kids (sensing a pattern here...). He'll say things to me like "I don't feel like I need to go out to hang out with anyone. You're like my best friend". I don't think that's healthy, and I've said that to him.
So, I feel like I'm at a point where maybe this isn't working, maybe we're growing apart, and maybe this isn't how I want to live the rest of my life. He's sweet and I love him, but I'm not sure what I want to do. I hope this post doesn't make me seem like an awful selfish *kitten*, but it's been bugging me lately.
Thoughts?!
TL;DR: In a 4 year relationship with a guy 14 yrs. older than me. Sensing that some differences between us aren't going to work forever. Need some help...
I use another account on here regularly, and created this for a bit of anonymity. So, lovely people of the MFP forums, I need your opinions on what you might do if you were in my situation...
The facts:
-I'm a 26 year old girl, dating a 40 year old guy
-Never been engaged or married, he has not either
-Neither of us have any children
-We have been together for 4 years, living together for the last 2 years. We both work full time, split living costs, etc.
We met online when I was 22. At the time, he told me he was 32. All was well, I didn't think about the age difference that much, he's a great guy, and 3-4 months after we began dating - I found out he'd lied to me about his age... and was really 36. I found out accidentally, he didn't make the choice to tell me. A friend of his asked him how old he was, and his reply of "mid thirties" made me go :huh:. Not trying to make a scene in front of a group of friends, when we left that night, I asked him to tell me the truth.
After I found that out, I was kinda iffy about whether or not I should continue to see him. He admitted that the reason he'd not been honest was because he knew how much younger I was, and figured I wouldn't even go on a date with him if he'd been honest. He also knew that just a few months after we met, I was planning on moving away (which I did), so he kind of assumed that I wasn't looking for a serious relationship when I tried the online dating thing. I didn't know what I was looking for either TBH, and did not expect to meet anyone that I really liked.
So of course, I continued to date him, and he assured me he'd been honest about everything else he'd told me about himself (which was true, unless there's still an ex wife or a kid I've never heard about lol... KIDDING).
Things seemed to be going well for the next few years, I moved back to the same area that he lived in, we moved in together, bought furniture together, got a pet together, and all of that other stupid *kitten* you do when you're in love and are seriously planning a future with someone.
Now... there are a few differences between us that I used to not pay too much attention to, but now that we've been together for so long, I am questioning whether or not this is what I want for myself for the rest of my life. Not that I am trying to be totally selfish, but...
-Children. I want at least one kid at some point, no rush, but I definitely do. Whether it's pregnancy or adoption, I want a child. He kind of used to joke about how he was sure he'd probably be a horrible dad and wouldn't know how to care for a child. Now that we've been together for a decent amount of time, it seems crystal clear to me that he does not want children, ever. He says things like "isn't it just so nice with just me and you here? We can travel or go anywhere we want", and "Are you really sure you seriously want to have kids?". He has also asked me if having children is a non-negotiable, and I said "yes, I want a child/children. Not negotiable," and that sort of ended the conversation, neither of us have brought it up since.
-Marriage. He's been saying for like a year now that he's going to propose to me. In November, he said "what if I proposed to you around Christmas?", my response was jokingly "I think it's supposed to be a surprise so... I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that". Christmas came and went, and now he's like "maybe Valentine's Day...". It's starting to aggravate me as I know he's not going to, and it's just kind of annoying me that he keeps saying *kitten* like that if he has no intentions of doing so. Even if we were engaged, I'd have no interest in planning a wedding any time soon, but it's kind of now become a joke to his parents every time we see them on holidays (they'll say stuff like "seriously XXXXXX... we're 78 years old. How long are you going to make us wait?").
-Sex life, or lack thereof. He's always been kind of vanilla / sex only in the bedroom / once or twice a week before bed type of guy.... I am the exact opposite, and have been the entire time I've known him. He jokes that I want to have sex way too often. He also is not open to trying anything new, and the sex is decent at best. He's never actually given me an orgasm (other partners certainly have... he just genuinely doesn't seem to care, or is not interested in learning how to please me). Lately, he has not initiated sex at all, and when I initiate, he's not really interested most of the time. I've thought that it might be low testosterone, but this is a guy that has not been to a single doctor/dentist appointment in the entire time I've known him... he doesn't even have a primary care physician. He's also quite stubborn and not open minded when it comes to a LOT of things, so I know that even if I tried to gently bring it up to him, it would cause some sort of crazy fight between us and I'd hurt his feelings.
-Social life. I have a few close friends (all girls), all of us work in different fields on different work schedules, and we don't see each other too often. Maybe once or twice a month for dinner, drinks, brunch, hiking in the summer, etc. when we can all find a day to get together. About half of them are single, and so as to eliminate any third wheel/etc. nonsense, we generally just go out on our own without our SO. Over the last few months, he's made remarks like "you're going out and leaving me at home by myself so you can go have fun with your friends?" kind of acting like he's hurt by the fact that I want to see my friends once in a while. He, on the other hand, has not seen ANY of his close friends in about a year. They all live an hour away where he used to live, and he's made no attempts to go hang out with them (I've even offered to DD for them once in a while and let them go out to do their thing without their girlfriends/wives). About half of his friends are married, none have kids (sensing a pattern here...). He'll say things to me like "I don't feel like I need to go out to hang out with anyone. You're like my best friend". I don't think that's healthy, and I've said that to him.
So, I feel like I'm at a point where maybe this isn't working, maybe we're growing apart, and maybe this isn't how I want to live the rest of my life. He's sweet and I love him, but I'm not sure what I want to do. I hope this post doesn't make me seem like an awful selfish *kitten*, but it's been bugging me lately.
Thoughts?!
TL;DR: In a 4 year relationship with a guy 14 yrs. older than me. Sensing that some differences between us aren't going to work forever. Need some help...
0
Replies
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Just break up.
/end thread0 -
Eh... That age lying thing, big no no for me.
Leads to more problems down the road.
Move on.0 -
You both seemingly want different things. You have to determine if those things are worth giving up in order to be with him. If they are not worth losing for him then you need to make a clean break.
I don't know the full situation but it sounds like things have run their course for you and you're ready to move on to something and someone else.0 -
I think you know what to do.0
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This isn't a stupid just break up reply, but seriously, it's time.
These are pretty big things you're having issues with. I say move on with someone who has more like minded life goals.0 -
He's never actually given me an orgasm (other partners certainly have... he just genuinely doesn't seem to care, or is not interested in learning how to please me).
um. I read through this whole thing, and the whole time I'm like "wow, that's a lot of issues", but then I seriously heard the brakes slam in my head when I read this.
GIRL, ARE YOU CRAZY? get out now. of course the biggest issue is that you want kids and he doesn't, but seriously, you've been with him HOW LONG and he's never given you an orgasm? SAY WHAT?
sorry, I'm just in shock over here, don't mind me. seriously, just break up.0 -
He started off by lying to you (about his age) - not a good start. He's 40 and ready to settle down and take things slow as all his friends will be doing. At your age you should be out living large and having fun. Don't let him make you prematurely old, there's plenty of time for that
Move on and appreciate the times you had, now go forward and find new challenges with someone of a similar age and goals.0 -
some relationships just naturally come to an end for precisely the sorts of reasons you've listed... you're just not a match anymore.
time to move on.0 -
Yeah.
Massive age gap, sexually incompatible, relationship predicated on a lie...what could go wrong? :laugh:0 -
It's time to start a new chapter in you life!0
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-Sex life, or lack thereof. He's always been kind of vanilla / sex only in the bedroom / once or twice a week before bed type of guy.... I am the exact opposite, and have been the entire time I've known him. He jokes that I want to have sex way too often. He also is not open to trying anything new, and the sex is decent at best. He's never actually given me an orgasm (other partners certainly have... he just genuinely doesn't seem to care, or is not interested in learning how to please me). Lately, he has not initiated sex at all, and when I initiate, he's not really interested most of the time. I've thought that it might be low testosterone, but this is a guy that has not been to a single doctor/dentist appointment in the entire time I've known him... he doesn't even have a primary care physician. He's also quite stubborn and not open minded when it comes to a LOT of things, so I know that even if I tried to gently bring it up to him, it would cause some sort of crazy fight between us and I'd hurt his feelings.
wow, just wow...0 -
It sounds like you already know you aren't compatible. You want different things and are at different places in life; those aren't issues you are going to be able to fix. Time to move on and find someone who wants the things you want.0
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Don't mean to be mean, but c'mon, asking a bunch of strangers about what you should do in a relationship??0
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Yeah.
Massive age gap, sexually incompatible, relationship predicated on a lie...what could go wrong? :laugh:
Don't forget that you want a family and he does not. Time to go.0 -
Admittedly.........TL;DR - stopped at him being 40 and never married. Run!!!0
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He started off wrong by lying.
As you are maturing, you are reconsidering children, which happens a lot for women as well as men around your age(perfectly normal) Something that he seems to hold on line against.
He is making comments on you going out with friends and leaving him alone(?).
He doesn't seem a bit concerned on your pleasure when adult time.
All these things seem like "red flags" on a relationship growing in a healthy direction.
I know what I what do, perhaps you do as well.
Do you really need a stranger to say that this looks wrong?0 -
oh man, there are women out there like this??? gotta get my pimp hat and cane ready....
\m/ 0 -
Ask yourself 'Can I live/see myself without him?' If the answer is yes, then it's time to move on.0
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Sex and kids especially are going to be deal breakers. The age thing, eh, I get that. But the others are a really big deal. And no orgasms, ever? That would kill me.0
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Hi all,
I use another account on here regularly, and created this for a bit of anonymity. So, lovely people of the MFP forums, I need your opinions on what you might do if you were in my situation...
The facts:
-I'm a 26 year old girl, dating a 40 year old guy
-Never been engaged or married, he has not either
-Neither of us have any children
-We have been together for 4 years, living together for the last 2 years. We both work full time, split living costs, etc.
We met online when I was 22. At the time, he told me he was 32. All was well, I didn't think about the age difference that much, he's a great guy, and 3-4 months after we began dating - I found out he'd lied to me about his age... and was really 36. I found out accidentally, he didn't make the choice to tell me. A friend of his asked him how old he was, and his reply of "mid thirties" made me go :huh:. Not trying to make a scene in front of a group of friends, when we left that night, I asked him to tell me the truth.
After I found that out, I was kinda iffy about whether or not I should continue to see him. He admitted that the reason he'd not been honest was because he knew how much younger I was, and figured I wouldn't even go on a date with him if he'd been honest. He also knew that just a few months after we met, I was planning on moving away (which I did), so he kind of assumed that I wasn't looking for a serious relationship when I tried the online dating thing. I didn't know what I was looking for either TBH, and did not expect to meet anyone that I really liked.
So of course, I continued to date him, and he assured me he'd been honest about everything else he'd told me about himself (which was true, unless there's still an ex wife or a kid I've never heard about lol... KIDDING).
Things seemed to be going well for the next few years, I moved back to the same area that he lived in, we moved in together, bought furniture together, got a pet together, and all of that other stupid *kitten* you do when you're in love and are seriously planning a future with someone.
Now... there are a few differences between us that I used to not pay too much attention to, but now that we've been together for so long, I am questioning whether or not this is what I want for myself for the rest of my life. Not that I am trying to be totally selfish, but...
-Children. I want at least one kid at some point, no rush, but I definitely do. Whether it's pregnancy or adoption, I want a child. He kind of used to joke about how he was sure he'd probably be a horrible dad and wouldn't know how to care for a child. Now that we've been together for a decent amount of time, it seems crystal clear to me that he does not want children, ever. He says things like "isn't it just so nice with just me and you here? We can travel or go anywhere we want", and "Are you really sure you seriously want to have kids?". He has also asked me if having children is a non-negotiable, and I said "yes, I want a child/children. Not negotiable," and that sort of ended the conversation, neither of us have brought it up since.
-Marriage. He's been saying for like a year now that he's going to propose to me. In November, he said "what if I proposed to you around Christmas?", my response was jokingly "I think it's supposed to be a surprise so... I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that". Christmas came and went, and now he's like "maybe Valentine's Day...". It's starting to aggravate me as I know he's not going to, and it's just kind of annoying me that he keeps saying *kitten* like that if he has no intentions of doing so. Even if we were engaged, I'd have no interest in planning a wedding any time soon, but it's kind of now become a joke to his parents every time we see them on holidays (they'll say stuff like "seriously XXXXXX... we're 78 years old. How long are you going to make us wait?").
-Sex life, or lack thereof. He's always been kind of vanilla / sex only in the bedroom / once or twice a week before bed type of guy.... I am the exact opposite, and have been the entire time I've known him. He jokes that I want to have sex way too often. He also is not open to trying anything new, and the sex is decent at best. He's never actually given me an orgasm (other partners certainly have... he just genuinely doesn't seem to care, or is not interested in learning how to please me). Lately, he has not initiated sex at all, and when I initiate, he's not really interested most of the time. I've thought that it might be low testosterone, but this is a guy that has not been to a single doctor/dentist appointment in the entire time I've known him... he doesn't even have a primary care physician. He's also quite stubborn and not open minded when it comes to a LOT of things, so I know that even if I tried to gently bring it up to him, it would cause some sort of crazy fight between us and I'd hurt his feelings.
-Social life. I have a few close friends (all girls), all of us work in different fields on different work schedules, and we don't see each other too often. Maybe once or twice a month for dinner, drinks, brunch, hiking in the summer, etc. when we can all find a day to get together. About half of them are single, and so as to eliminate any third wheel/etc. nonsense, we generally just go out on our own without our SO. Over the last few months, he's made remarks like "you're going out and leaving me at home by myself so you can go have fun with your friends?" kind of acting like he's hurt by the fact that I want to see my friends once in a while. He, on the other hand, has not seen ANY of his close friends in about a year. They all live an hour away where he used to live, and he's made no attempts to go hang out with them (I've even offered to DD for them once in a while and let them go out to do their thing without their girlfriends/wives). About half of his friends are married, none have kids (sensing a pattern here...). He'll say things to me like "I don't feel like I need to go out to hang out with anyone. You're like my best friend". I don't think that's healthy, and I've said that to him.
So, I feel like I'm at a point where maybe this isn't working, maybe we're growing apart, and maybe this isn't how I want to live the rest of my life. He's sweet and I love him, but I'm not sure what I want to do. I hope this post doesn't make me seem like an awful selfish *kitten*, but it's been bugging me lately.
Thoughts?!
TL;DR: In a 4 year relationship with a guy 14 yrs. older than me. Sensing that some differences between us aren't going to work forever. Need some help...
how YOU doin'?0 -
You know what you need to do.
I have a friend who wanted children, her boyfriend was a HARD no on the subject. She got pregnant by accident, they got married out of obligation, and now they're divorced over it.... is that really what you want?0 -
You know this is a fitness/weight loss website, right?0
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Are we dating the same guy (mine is a closer to my age)? :frown:0
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I have to agree with others that you know what you want/need to do.
If he's 40, not yet proposed and doesn't want kids. He never will.0 -
You know this is a fitness/weight loss website, right?
ahhh... i see your mistake.
this a dating website.
why else would we be allowed to search the member database by gender, age, and distance from our zipcode!
0 -
Time to leave...
You will regret not having kids.0 -
Once he told me that he lied about his age I would've been long gone, it's not good starting off your relationship on a lie and secondly I wouldn't date someone that much older than me.0
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You know this is the chit-chat board right?You know this is a fitness/weight loss website, right?0 -
Those "few differences": children, marriage, sex and social life are not petty issues, those are a BIG deal.0
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To me it sounds like it is time to move on, the lying is no good and can and will cause a lot of trust issues and other problems. The age thing I personally do not think is a big deal, I am with someone 10 years older than me, never lied about the age but did lie about some things which was terrible for our relationship. Since you guys do not have any children together, I would make a clean break. You have to ask yourself, do I really want to have children with this man and have him in my life forever? Sex life can always be worked on, but the no children thing, and all the other issues that do not seem to be working out, I would not settle. I believe you already know the answer you are looking for! Time is precious!0
This discussion has been closed.
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