Another stupid relationship post... Need opinions :/

Hi all,

I use another account on here regularly, and created this for a bit of anonymity. So, lovely people of the MFP forums, I need your opinions on what you might do if you were in my situation...

The facts:

-I'm a 26 year old girl, dating a 40 year old guy
-Never been engaged or married, he has not either
-Neither of us have any children
-We have been together for 4 years, living together for the last 2 years. We both work full time, split living costs, etc.

We met online when I was 22. At the time, he told me he was 32. All was well, I didn't think about the age difference that much, he's a great guy, and 3-4 months after we began dating - I found out he'd lied to me about his age... and was really 36. I found out accidentally, he didn't make the choice to tell me. A friend of his asked him how old he was, and his reply of "mid thirties" made me go :huh:. Not trying to make a scene in front of a group of friends, when we left that night, I asked him to tell me the truth.

After I found that out, I was kinda iffy about whether or not I should continue to see him. He admitted that the reason he'd not been honest was because he knew how much younger I was, and figured I wouldn't even go on a date with him if he'd been honest. He also knew that just a few months after we met, I was planning on moving away (which I did), so he kind of assumed that I wasn't looking for a serious relationship when I tried the online dating thing. I didn't know what I was looking for either TBH, and did not expect to meet anyone that I really liked.

So of course, I continued to date him, and he assured me he'd been honest about everything else he'd told me about himself (which was true, unless there's still an ex wife or a kid I've never heard about lol... KIDDING).

Things seemed to be going well for the next few years, I moved back to the same area that he lived in, we moved in together, bought furniture together, got a pet together, and all of that other stupid *kitten* you do when you're in love and are seriously planning a future with someone.

Now... there are a few differences between us that I used to not pay too much attention to, but now that we've been together for so long, I am questioning whether or not this is what I want for myself for the rest of my life. Not that I am trying to be totally selfish, but...

-Children. I want at least one kid at some point, no rush, but I definitely do. Whether it's pregnancy or adoption, I want a child. He kind of used to joke about how he was sure he'd probably be a horrible dad and wouldn't know how to care for a child. Now that we've been together for a decent amount of time, it seems crystal clear to me that he does not want children, ever. He says things like "isn't it just so nice with just me and you here? We can travel or go anywhere we want", and "Are you really sure you seriously want to have kids?". He has also asked me if having children is a non-negotiable, and I said "yes, I want a child/children. Not negotiable," and that sort of ended the conversation, neither of us have brought it up since.

-Marriage. He's been saying for like a year now that he's going to propose to me. In November, he said "what if I proposed to you around Christmas?", my response was jokingly "I think it's supposed to be a surprise so... I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that". Christmas came and went, and now he's like "maybe Valentine's Day...". It's starting to aggravate me as I know he's not going to, and it's just kind of annoying me that he keeps saying *kitten* like that if he has no intentions of doing so. Even if we were engaged, I'd have no interest in planning a wedding any time soon, but it's kind of now become a joke to his parents every time we see them on holidays (they'll say stuff like "seriously XXXXXX... we're 78 years old. How long are you going to make us wait?").

-Sex life, or lack thereof. He's always been kind of vanilla / sex only in the bedroom / once or twice a week before bed type of guy.... I am the exact opposite, and have been the entire time I've known him. He jokes that I want to have sex way too often. He also is not open to trying anything new, and the sex is decent at best. He's never actually given me an orgasm (other partners certainly have... he just genuinely doesn't seem to care, or is not interested in learning how to please me). Lately, he has not initiated sex at all, and when I initiate, he's not really interested most of the time. I've thought that it might be low testosterone, but this is a guy that has not been to a single doctor/dentist appointment in the entire time I've known him... he doesn't even have a primary care physician. He's also quite stubborn and not open minded when it comes to a LOT of things, so I know that even if I tried to gently bring it up to him, it would cause some sort of crazy fight between us and I'd hurt his feelings.

-Social life. I have a few close friends (all girls), all of us work in different fields on different work schedules, and we don't see each other too often. Maybe once or twice a month for dinner, drinks, brunch, hiking in the summer, etc. when we can all find a day to get together. About half of them are single, and so as to eliminate any third wheel/etc. nonsense, we generally just go out on our own without our SO. Over the last few months, he's made remarks like "you're going out and leaving me at home by myself so you can go have fun with your friends?" kind of acting like he's hurt by the fact that I want to see my friends once in a while. He, on the other hand, has not seen ANY of his close friends in about a year. They all live an hour away where he used to live, and he's made no attempts to go hang out with them (I've even offered to DD for them once in a while and let them go out to do their thing without their girlfriends/wives). About half of his friends are married, none have kids (sensing a pattern here...). He'll say things to me like "I don't feel like I need to go out to hang out with anyone. You're like my best friend". I don't think that's healthy, and I've said that to him.


So, I feel like I'm at a point where maybe this isn't working, maybe we're growing apart, and maybe this isn't how I want to live the rest of my life. He's sweet and I love him, but I'm not sure what I want to do. I hope this post doesn't make me seem like an awful selfish *kitten*, but it's been bugging me lately.

Thoughts?!

TL;DR: In a 4 year relationship with a guy 14 yrs. older than me. Sensing that some differences between us aren't going to work forever. Need some help...

The problem could be you as well. I highly doubt all the issues are on this guy.

I do not think you know what you want so you are making him the bad guy. You are the one making the decision to go along with his plan and then you want to blame him. Set your own agenda. If you want to get married tell him in specific terms when where and how, If you want a child tell him when , where and how. If you want better sex tell him when, where and how. You act like you are a passenger on the ship and you are blaming the captain for going where he wants to go.

You need to stop being a relationship wimp and tell the man what you want and put a time limit on it;

1. i want to marry you by DATE
2 I want to have a child by Date
3. I want to have more fun with you sexually so I want to do : give him specifics acts and places.

If he does not want what you want, then leave. But do not leave until you give him a chance to know in no uncertain terms what you want and need to stay in the relationship. If you do not start telling men what you want and need you will continue to run from one relationship to another blaming the man. If you want to know I am married and happily so because my husband knows what I want and need and I know what he wants and need. if you are afraid to talk to him you do not need to be in a relationship until you are able to became a full partner and not a passenger.