how to motivate my spouse

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xochristianna
xochristianna Posts: 96 Member
in Motivation and Support
My husband and I are newlyweds - we have only been married for about 5 months! We have both gained some weight since the wedding, and I am trying to set a good example. I joined a gym, work out consistently, and do all the grocery shopping and cooking so that we can have a healthful meal at least 5 nights a week.

We both work the same amount of hours a week, and get home around the same time, so I have been encouraging him to join my gym with me. He usually claims that he's too tired or just wants to relax instead of going to the gym.

I want us both to be healthy so that we can have a long and happy life together - I also think that working out together would strengthen our marriage! How can I convince him that this is something we should do together?
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  • aj7x
    aj7x Posts: 84 Member
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    What I have learned from my experience is that you just can't change people. It's sad and hard but if they are going to change, they will really have to want it themselves. You can't want it for them. My family is all over weight and I have tried so many times to get them on board but they just won't. I've cooked healthy meals and suggested walks/exercise. Nothing works. It's tough emotionally but in the end, you just gotta do you.

    Who knows, after he sees some of your results maybe he'll be inspired to do it himself.
  • train_01
    train_01 Posts: 135 Member
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    Unfortunately, you can't "convince" him until he's ready to hear it. The only thing you can do is set a good example for him and provide him with healthy meals (if you do the cooking). Maybe once he sees you getting healthier, he will want to as well. Also, you trying to convince him to join a gym may make him feel like he's not good enough the way he is. Just a theory...(I have a degree in psychology :smile:) Or, it could be he just doesn't want to or doesn't like to. Maybe suggest other activities you can do together that you both like (riding bikes, roller blading, playing tennis, or something like that). Good luck :) P.S. I'm a newlywed too! :happy:
  • Keep_The_Laughter
    Keep_The_Laughter Posts: 183 Member
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    OP, he will join a regular program when he is ready, just continue to lead by example. He'll start working out when he sees the time as "right", trying to force anything is a direct path to resentment and insecurity. Instead of bringing up the gym, if he's not showing interest, plan some active dates. Hiking, swimming or surfing at the beach, ice skating, taking pictures in a state park, renting a row boat for fishing and so on are all a means to and end. You can get some exercise, fun and couple time without stepping foot in a gym, or setting yourself up for frustration.
  • liz_walkerrr
    liz_walkerrr Posts: 38 Member
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    Is he maybe embarrassed that he has put on weight? A gym only magnifies how out of shape someone is. My husband and I went through this same thing. Could you maybe try a home workout series for awhile and then progress into joining a gym together? Just suggestions!
  • Whyareyoumad
    Whyareyoumad Posts: 268 Member
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    I am in the same boat, I think my wife resents me at times because of the progress I have made. I want her to be proud of me and I want her to be attracted to me, I think she is but I also know I cant motivate her. She has to do it for herself and make that decision that we all have to make before we become dedicated enough to make the change. The same could relate to your husband. Do your thing, eat healthy, and set the example. Eventually he will catch on.
  • ElyseL1
    ElyseL1 Posts: 504 Member
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    good luck! i've been trying since we got married a year and a half ago. He has lost 60 lbs by watching what he eats but he wont work out. I can run laps around him and I hate it. I even went so far as to buy the biggest loser game for wii so we could do it together didnt work, and ended up being a waste of money. I do kettlebells but im gonna do the game anyway since i paid for it.
  • Asheea
    Asheea Posts: 211 Member
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    I was just reading an article on this yesterday. "Your Husband's Health & Your Influence" http://www.thebettermom.com/2014/02/12/husbands-health-influence/

    Sadly, you can't force him to eat healthy or exercise. He has to make that decision himself. I know, I've been there. Was in deep depression for 9 years. Was up to 230 lbs and my excuse was I didn't have the energy to exercise.
    Finally, DH and I got on a diet and exercise program and within 6 months of daily exercising and walking my depression is gone and so is 72 lbs!
    I wish both of y'all the best and may God show him how much his health means to you and him.
  • MelRC117
    MelRC117 Posts: 911 Member
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    If he picked up a hobby, would you want him to force it on you if you didn't want to do it? Probably not.

    If he didn't like going to the gym before getting married...probably not going to be able to force it on it after. Either he will get the motivation for himself or he won't. I certainly wouldn't want to if my husband was harping on me to do it.
  • FindingAmy77
    FindingAmy77 Posts: 1,266 Member
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    I don't think you can force anyone to do what they don't want to. Maybe instead of the gym together, you can start with babysteps like asking him to go for a walk with you here and there. That is what I do with my husband.
  • ElyseL1
    ElyseL1 Posts: 504 Member
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    If he picked up a hobby, would you want him to force it on you if you didn't want to do it? Probably not.

    If he didn't like going to the gym before getting married...probably not going to be able to force it on it after. Either he will get the motivation for himself or he won't. I certainly wouldn't want to if my husband was harping on me to do it.

    Its not harping though, and even if it is it comes from a place of true concern and love. I dont see the point of getting married and planning a life together if you dont want to be the healthiest versions of yourself for each other. I do this for my husband and my unborn children because I grew up with an active father and loved it (and I saw what happened when i got older and he stopped being active. And personally i gained a good 50 lbs when my grandmother died) and my husband didnt and has adopted his parents habits.

    Edited to add, I do pick up my husbands hobbys when he wants me too so we can spend time together. (shooting at the range)
  • Jezebel9
    Jezebel9 Posts: 396 Member
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    I am of the opinion that you can't change people. I don't know how other people feel about their vows to their spouse, but for me I feel it is unfair to my spouse to give him some different less-than-ideal version of me after the wedding. It isn't what he married into. That is not to say that something bad couldn't happen to me and leave me in a version of health that neither of us wanted... but if I CAN do something to be the best wife/mother/friend I can be, I will. It is not fair for me to become this lob that doesn't do anything interactive with my spouse/child. When I am in better health, I am better for myself and everyone else. The best is to just sit down and talk about it and see if you two can make a compromise- maybe play basketball or do something he could get excited about doing. Rock climbing? The problem with sitting on the sofa after work is that sometimes people get stuck there- for years...
  • wolverine66
    wolverine66 Posts: 3,779 Member
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    all i heard was "nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag"




    just kidding -

    Like others, the decision to do something has to come from him. You can ask him, but the more you ask him, the more he will probably resist.

    It took me starting to have health issues related to weight that got me going.
  • bwogilvie
    bwogilvie Posts: 2,130 Member
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    Carolyn Hax, a very wise advice columnist (far more thoughtful than the norm), says that you can't control other people. You can only control how you interact with them. If your husband wants motivation, you can provide encouragement, but if he doesn't want to be motivated, you can't make him.
  • Cranquistador
    Cranquistador Posts: 39,744 Member
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    leave him alone and let him do what he wants

    he is actually more likely to wind up going if you do not pressure him:flowerforyou:
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
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    Every time you go, ask him if he wants to come with you. When he says "no", say "okay, see you later, love you, bye".
  • deksgrl
    deksgrl Posts: 7,237 Member
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    He has to get to the point where he wants to do it. Keep up the good example and be there for him if and when he wants to join you.
  • SonicDeathMonkey80
    SonicDeathMonkey80 Posts: 4,489 Member
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    You don't. I've been in this boat before, both on the giving and receiving end. You can be passive aggressive and make digs, you can be an assertive nag, or you can just keep livin'.

    Eventually, one of three things will happen: you'll quit, he'll change, or neither will budge and one of y'all will eventually ditch the other. Oh, option number 4 is here: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1200717-spouse-resistance-to-you-working-out
  • MagnumBurrito
    MagnumBurrito Posts: 1,070 Member
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    Buy a hard copy of Arnold Schwarzeneggers: The Education of a Body Builder. It's a great book on determination, work ethic, and mindset by one of the greatest fitness men of our time. Also, it'll tell you how to train from bodywork to weights. But that's just the side benefits.

    Make no mention of it to your husband. Read it when he's around. If he asks about it, say one of your MFP buddies recommended it. Nonchalantly, tell him its interesting, and that is it..

    Don't tell him to read it.

    Leave it around the house for him to read if he gets curious. If not, oh well. You get to read a great biography and learn some ways to train you may currently not be doing.


    Leading Muscle
  • SuperstarDJ
    SuperstarDJ Posts: 440 Member
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    Tell him how many hot, fit guys there are down the gym and I guarantee he'll have joined up before you finish the sentence :tongue:
  • _Terrapin_
    _Terrapin_ Posts: 4,301 Member
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    leave him alone and let him do what he wants

    he is actually more likely to wind up going if you do not pressure him:flowerforyou:

    worked for me; wife left me alone, she runs all the time, we run once a week now. I still lift at the gym, but we both formed running groups locally, gender specific. We also have about a 1/4 of the neighborhood running. Best to lead by example and see what happens. Good luck.

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