Is marriage a big waste of time ?

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  • Lonestar5775
    Lonestar5775 Posts: 740 Member
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    A good marriage cultivates the qualities that make you a good person. Too much focus is on marrying the right person, instead of becoming a better person to be right for someone.
    Marriage based on anything less, is nearly doomed to fail.

    There is a lot of truth in this person's response. We were married at 20 (her) and 24 (me). We have both changed a lot but no matter who you marry, there is no possible way of predicting what life will bring or how your partner will react. You can however, choose how you will react and if your relationship is a high enough priority, you will make it work.

    We are now at 32 years, including two children. Some years are harder, some easier. My marriage has made me more stable and more content than I ever would have been alone.
  • mikeschratz
    mikeschratz Posts: 253 Member
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    I was told to make a list of who I wanted that person to be, then to become that person. If I could become what I wanted to be, chances are I would end up with the right one...
    My wife and I celebrate 18 years of marriage in July... it ain't all been grand, but sharing everyday with her has been exceptional!
  • Ashley_Panda
    Ashley_Panda Posts: 1,404 Member
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    You're already wasting time. Why not waste time with someone you enjoy wasting time with?
  • crystalflame
    crystalflame Posts: 1,049 Member
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    My fiance and I work together - since I started dating him, I've become vastly better at my job because I can share ideas with him, ask for help, and help him out. My cooking skills have improved because he encourages me to try new things. I've become a better runner because we run together and he motivates me to push myself. I can accomplish so much more WITH him than I can without him. Investing in him is investing in myself. I'm so excited and thrilled that I get to marry him.
  • Escloflowne
    Escloflowne Posts: 2,038 Member
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    I don't think it's a waste of time but definitely a waste of money! Vegas is acceptable because it's cheap!
  • kshadows
    kshadows Posts: 1,315 Member
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    I don't think it's a waste. My husband and I have been married nearly 3 years (not long, I'll admit) but we've been together for 7. We have 2 children (5 and 1) and have lived together for just over 6 years. I love him in a much different way than the infatuated, "honeymoon" stage of a relationship and we both put in WORK to keep our marriage the way we want it to be. I'm very happy and I can't imagine why someone wouldn't get married if they found the type of person I have. It's only a waste if it's two people not willing to put in the work and brave the trials.
  • The_1_Who_Knocks
    The_1_Who_Knocks Posts: 343 Member
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    The mistake people make, and I did too, is that they get married before they truly understand who they are themselves. I've survived my mistake...so far...for 21 years.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    You know, as a divorcee, who is starting over at life, I do not feel that the institution of marriage is to blame for me failing at it. Poor judgment is to blame. Not taking the time to be certain that the person I was with was right for me and someone I wanted to spend my life with.
  • BerryH
    BerryH Posts: 4,698 Member
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    I believe everyone should get married once. Thereafter I'm with Doctor Johnson: second marriages are a triumph of hope over experience.
  • MissKim78
    MissKim78 Posts: 426 Member
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    I have found that people these days tend to get married because "It's the next step" or "the right thing to do". They are also not taking vows seriously. It seems to have become a fad for a lot of people.

    I personally was in a marriage that shouldn't have happened. We had been together for 16 years (we were Jr High sweethearts)and were getting pressure from family (mostly his) to get married. So we did, we figured, "we might as well". Not because we couldn't live without each other, not because we wanted to share our love with the world, and not because we wanted to grow old together.....but because our parents wanted us to and it seemed like the logical next step. Should have been a red flag! lol

    Less than 3 years in, he decides he's not happy and starts sneaking around with my best friend for two months before I finally got it out of him since I knew something had changed. I tried to suggest counselling etc but he just wanted out. I was beyond pissed that we went through all the money and stress to get married for nothing. But I knew deep down I hadn't been "in love" with him for a while. That didn't take the sting away though!
    I have quite a few friends that went through something very similar and are now separated and/or divorced. (we are all only in our early 30's)

    I am in a very healthy, loving relationship now but would think long and hard before getting married again. I am now jaded. Being married didn't stop him from lying, sneaking and cheating so why bother?? I just personally don't see the benefit of actually getting married. It is just a "status" thing now and doesn't seem to have much meaning. Not to mention the stress and money (and we did it the cheaper way, buying used decor, using airmiles for food trays etc)
    Quite sad but seems to be the truth. It's definitely not what it used to be. :cry:

    I'm not saying every marriage is like that.....obv it depends on the relationship going into it and the people! I just had a bad experience and would have to think about it a LOT more the second time around. My boyfriend and I are pretty much married now....aside from a piece of paper and a ring. We live together, share most things, and want a life together.
  • PhearlessPhreaks
    PhearlessPhreaks Posts: 890 Member
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    A quote I shared with my husband once when we were having a difficult time...

    "we're a work in progress with a lifetime contract"

    As others have already said- it's hard. It takes work. But it's so worth it, if it's the right person.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,793 Member
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    You get out of it, what you put into it.

    I had three failed marriages before I met my wife, Jan. We have been together now for 25 years.

    The difference between the first three and the last marriage? Had a long hard look at the common denominator. Me. Stopped being such a selfish jerk.
  • HeidiMightyRawr
    HeidiMightyRawr Posts: 3,343 Member
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    It's not for everyone and I respect all views, but I think for some it means a great deal.

    I would like to get married, although I'm in no hurry right now. I've been with boyfriend 8 years, lived together for almost 4 years. Very happy this way, but would just rather spend the money on buying the house and such things before I would a wedding (at least for now). Any serious relationship is hard work at times, especially when you live together, but I never see it as a waste of my time.

    Bad break ups happen, married or not, and IMO from your reasoning it would be best not to get in any long term relationship in fear of cheating, pain, wasted time and financial hardship. Where's the joy in that? I work hard for what I want out of life, and so does he, and of course I want to be remembered when I'm gone. Why can't that be achieved together if you're happy?

    I think people not giving enough thought to marriage and who they're marrying is a bigger factor in hurt and upset, than the act of marriage itself. Sure, people change, you see true colours, you may make mistakes/be an arsehole, you may grow apart but I also see a lot of rushed marriages, having children on a whim (since when does being married have to equal kids straight away?) and giving up too soon. Arguements happen, you have to learn to distinguish between those, and real issues.

    Oh and people cheated etc in the good old days, it's just easier to do / easier to find out now, with the increase in technology amongst other things.
  • SusanL222
    SusanL222 Posts: 585 Member
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    Let me begin by saying that I am not against the institution of marriage.Also i wish all of those blissfully married people all the happiness in the life.May your marriage be blessed with love, joy and companionship for all the years of your lives.

    Marriage is a very hard thing and requires people with qualities like selflessness,magnanimity,pragmatism,empathy & candor.Unfortunately these qualities are getting rarer & rarer these days as the world is becoming full of self-centered,egoistic & inconsiderate narcissist's.It seems people get into relationship for fulfilling lustful desires & to attain financial gain.The good old love has been lost forever.

    In today's world where adultery & betrayal has become a sort of a norm, so why should one invest his life,time & money into a scheme which would gives nothing in return other than a life filled with pain and suffering? Why work hard for a thing only to end up beneath a gravestone remembered by none.Rather that time and energy could be devoted to drawing a beautiful painting or writing a new scientific theory or inventing a new machine and be forever immortalized into the minds of the future generation.
    Hmmmmm, something about this post:ohwell: .......it occurred to me that the desire to "be forever immortalized into the minds of the future generation" could be seen as self-centered, egoistic, & narcissistic.... :ohwell:
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,932 Member
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    Who hurt you?
  • EuroDivas
    EuroDivas Posts: 93 Member
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    .
  • royaldrea
    royaldrea Posts: 259 Member
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    I think marriage is really about what you want to accomplish. Before I met my husband, I was engaged to another man. I thought we were in love and we should get married. I wanted 'the dream'. But we knew something was off. There were days I would breathe a sigh of relief that he was gone or that I had to work. I would be GLAD to have a break. And when we did break, I thought my world was over. Snap. Just like that. But then I met the man I actually did marry and it was so very different. I can't even put into words the difference, but I'll try. I just wanted him there. He brings out the best in me and says I do the same for him. We aren't perfect, but we 'fit'. I can't imagine life with anyone else and I don't WANT anyone else. Do we have rough times? Of course! Lots of people do. But the difference is do we dwell on those rough times and let the bitterness eat at us, destroy us and bury us in the muck or do we work through it and find the love again? So far, we've opted to drag out the shovels and dig. I want him to be who I sit with at night. I want him. I want him to be who I'm angry with. No other. I want to share all those quiet moments, all those fun moments, those sad and ugly cry moments. I want to be that for him. Always. I want him to know that even when he feels like he's failed, he hasn't. I want to be quiet, and let him feel what he needs to feel but know that he doesn't have to do it alone. I want that partner, that friend, that lover, that other half of me that somehow makes all my craziness balanced. And it has to be him. I still feel this way after 15yrs. together -- 14 of them married. Even after the times I've felt like strangling him! I can't imagine caring so much for anyone else that I would get to that point except maybe my kids! We work on it. We fight, we work together, we make it right and move on. That's what marriage is. As for the whole you can have it all but not be married.... that's bunk and everyone knows it. You can SAY you aren't married to someone and be with them for say 15yrs., but in reality YOU ARE MARRIED. Marriage isn't about that piece of paper. It's about your commitment to each other. For some, it's also about a commitment to God. For many, it means absolutely nothing and is only for show. Marriage, relationships, are what you make of them. And they CAN be fantastic. Do they sometimes not work and it's best to go opposite ways? Sure. But too many times, it's due to lack of work or lack of understanding of what marriage really was to begin with.

    This is beautiful! Thanks for this.
  • BamaBreezeNSaltAire
    BamaBreezeNSaltAire Posts: 966 Member
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    Ask yourself:

    Do you want to have someone to share the most incredible moments of your life with?

    Do you want to have someone to share the absolute worst moments of your life with?

    Are you willing to reciprocate?

    You do not need to be married to accomplish this.

    No, you don't have to be married, but you do have to share your life with someone to accomplish these this.

    True that, but I would NEVER embark on any of the journey's I've been on with my spouse without being married. It has truly given me a place in this world with someone by my side and I know without a shadow of a doubt he's going to walk beside me. The thoughts of life without the marriage aspect and trying to acheive this seems a bit open ended and scary.
  • Carrot1971
    Carrot1971 Posts: 272 Member
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    A waste of time? The answer for me is absolutely not. I've been married twice. The first time was with my high school sweetheart. We were young and immature and had to grow up together. Unfortunately that path took us two completely different directions. I still wouldn't consider that a waste of time because out of that union I got three beautiful children. I wouldn't change one thing. When I met my current husband I had NO intention of EVER marrying again. I told him that time and time again. Then he made me fall in love with him (jerk..LOL). He became my best friend and I realized I didn't want to spend another day without him in my life permanently. I think the biggest difference in our marriage is that GOD is our center. We realize God put us in each others lives for a reason and we cherish every minute.

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