Is marriage a big waste of time ?
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I have found that people these days tend to get married because "It's the next step" or "the right thing to do". They are also not taking vows seriously. It seems to have become a fad for a lot of people.
I personally was in a marriage that shouldn't have happened. We had been together for 16 years (we were Jr High sweethearts)and were getting pressure from family (mostly his) to get married. So we did, we figured, "we might as well". Not because we couldn't live without each other, not because we wanted to share our love with the world, and not because we wanted to grow old together.....but because our parents wanted us to and it seemed like the logical next step. Should have been a red flag! lol
Less than 3 years in, he decides he's not happy and starts sneaking around with my best friend for two months before I finally got it out of him since I knew something had changed. I tried to suggest counselling etc but he just wanted out. I was beyond pissed that we went through all the money and stress to get married for nothing. But I knew deep down I hadn't been "in love" with him for a while. That didn't take the sting away though!
I have quite a few friends that went through something very similar and are now separated and/or divorced. (we are all only in our early 30's)
I am in a very healthy, loving relationship now but would think long and hard before getting married again. I am now jaded. Being married didn't stop him from lying, sneaking and cheating so why bother?? I just personally don't see the benefit of actually getting married. It is just a "status" thing now and doesn't seem to have much meaning. Not to mention the stress and money (and we did it the cheaper way, buying used decor, using airmiles for food trays etc)
Quite sad but seems to be the truth. It's definitely not what it used to be.
I'm not saying every marriage is like that.....obv it depends on the relationship going into it and the people! I just had a bad experience and would have to think about it a LOT more the second time around. My boyfriend and I are pretty much married now....aside from a piece of paper and a ring. We live together, share most things, and want a life together.0 -
A quote I shared with my husband once when we were having a difficult time...
"we're a work in progress with a lifetime contract"
As others have already said- it's hard. It takes work. But it's so worth it, if it's the right person.0 -
You get out of it, what you put into it.
I had three failed marriages before I met my wife, Jan. We have been together now for 25 years.
The difference between the first three and the last marriage? Had a long hard look at the common denominator. Me. Stopped being such a selfish jerk.0 -
It's not for everyone and I respect all views, but I think for some it means a great deal.
I would like to get married, although I'm in no hurry right now. I've been with boyfriend 8 years, lived together for almost 4 years. Very happy this way, but would just rather spend the money on buying the house and such things before I would a wedding (at least for now). Any serious relationship is hard work at times, especially when you live together, but I never see it as a waste of my time.
Bad break ups happen, married or not, and IMO from your reasoning it would be best not to get in any long term relationship in fear of cheating, pain, wasted time and financial hardship. Where's the joy in that? I work hard for what I want out of life, and so does he, and of course I want to be remembered when I'm gone. Why can't that be achieved together if you're happy?
I think people not giving enough thought to marriage and who they're marrying is a bigger factor in hurt and upset, than the act of marriage itself. Sure, people change, you see true colours, you may make mistakes/be an arsehole, you may grow apart but I also see a lot of rushed marriages, having children on a whim (since when does being married have to equal kids straight away?) and giving up too soon. Arguements happen, you have to learn to distinguish between those, and real issues.
Oh and people cheated etc in the good old days, it's just easier to do / easier to find out now, with the increase in technology amongst other things.0 -
Hmmmmm, something about this post:ohwell: .......it occurred to me that the desire to "be forever immortalized into the minds of the future generation" could be seen as self-centered, egoistic, & narcissistic.... :ohwell:Let me begin by saying that I am not against the institution of marriage.Also i wish all of those blissfully married people all the happiness in the life.May your marriage be blessed with love, joy and companionship for all the years of your lives.
Marriage is a very hard thing and requires people with qualities like selflessness,magnanimity,pragmatism,empathy & candor.Unfortunately these qualities are getting rarer & rarer these days as the world is becoming full of self-centered,egoistic & inconsiderate narcissist's.It seems people get into relationship for fulfilling lustful desires & to attain financial gain.The good old love has been lost forever.
In today's world where adultery & betrayal has become a sort of a norm, so why should one invest his life,time & money into a scheme which would gives nothing in return other than a life filled with pain and suffering? Why work hard for a thing only to end up beneath a gravestone remembered by none.Rather that time and energy could be devoted to drawing a beautiful painting or writing a new scientific theory or inventing a new machine and be forever immortalized into the minds of the future generation.0 -
Who hurt you?0
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I think marriage is really about what you want to accomplish. Before I met my husband, I was engaged to another man. I thought we were in love and we should get married. I wanted 'the dream'. But we knew something was off. There were days I would breathe a sigh of relief that he was gone or that I had to work. I would be GLAD to have a break. And when we did break, I thought my world was over. Snap. Just like that. But then I met the man I actually did marry and it was so very different. I can't even put into words the difference, but I'll try. I just wanted him there. He brings out the best in me and says I do the same for him. We aren't perfect, but we 'fit'. I can't imagine life with anyone else and I don't WANT anyone else. Do we have rough times? Of course! Lots of people do. But the difference is do we dwell on those rough times and let the bitterness eat at us, destroy us and bury us in the muck or do we work through it and find the love again? So far, we've opted to drag out the shovels and dig. I want him to be who I sit with at night. I want him. I want him to be who I'm angry with. No other. I want to share all those quiet moments, all those fun moments, those sad and ugly cry moments. I want to be that for him. Always. I want him to know that even when he feels like he's failed, he hasn't. I want to be quiet, and let him feel what he needs to feel but know that he doesn't have to do it alone. I want that partner, that friend, that lover, that other half of me that somehow makes all my craziness balanced. And it has to be him. I still feel this way after 15yrs. together -- 14 of them married. Even after the times I've felt like strangling him! I can't imagine caring so much for anyone else that I would get to that point except maybe my kids! We work on it. We fight, we work together, we make it right and move on. That's what marriage is. As for the whole you can have it all but not be married.... that's bunk and everyone knows it. You can SAY you aren't married to someone and be with them for say 15yrs., but in reality YOU ARE MARRIED. Marriage isn't about that piece of paper. It's about your commitment to each other. For some, it's also about a commitment to God. For many, it means absolutely nothing and is only for show. Marriage, relationships, are what you make of them. And they CAN be fantastic. Do they sometimes not work and it's best to go opposite ways? Sure. But too many times, it's due to lack of work or lack of understanding of what marriage really was to begin with.
This is beautiful! Thanks for this.0 -
Ask yourself:
Do you want to have someone to share the most incredible moments of your life with?
Do you want to have someone to share the absolute worst moments of your life with?
Are you willing to reciprocate?
You do not need to be married to accomplish this.
No, you don't have to be married, but you do have to share your life with someone to accomplish these this.
True that, but I would NEVER embark on any of the journey's I've been on with my spouse without being married. It has truly given me a place in this world with someone by my side and I know without a shadow of a doubt he's going to walk beside me. The thoughts of life without the marriage aspect and trying to acheive this seems a bit open ended and scary.0 -
A waste of time? The answer for me is absolutely not. I've been married twice. The first time was with my high school sweetheart. We were young and immature and had to grow up together. Unfortunately that path took us two completely different directions. I still wouldn't consider that a waste of time because out of that union I got three beautiful children. I wouldn't change one thing. When I met my current husband I had NO intention of EVER marrying again. I told him that time and time again. Then he made me fall in love with him (jerk..LOL). He became my best friend and I realized I didn't want to spend another day without him in my life permanently. I think the biggest difference in our marriage is that GOD is our center. We realize God put us in each others lives for a reason and we cherish every minute.0
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Why do people always say "my husband/wife is my best friend" and this is suppose to be a good sign that they have a successful and harmonious marriage? Why take the vow of marriage to have a best friend? If what is being sort after is a best friend do you need the husband? I just do not understand fully this phrase.
Could it be that in such relationships the marriage has reduced itself down to a basic friendship which is a sign that it has become stagnant and is possibly in trouble? I am married for over 15 years and have a best friend of over 20 years but would not want my relationship with my husband to be reduced to this level. A marriage is on a totally different level. I can see this situation realizing itself if one finds themselves alone in the world and only has a husband and no other social outlet - then yes the husband becomes the best friend. But is this normal?
I am asking?0 -
I don't think marriage is a waste of time with the right person. I have been married 7 months and it was a really rocky start. My husband did some severely inappropriate things that I found out about 3 days after our wedding, and he continued for a couple months after I found out. I was a mess and I thought I had ruined my life. By some miracle we have gotten past that point, he has realized what he wants and has settled down finally. Marriage takes some work at times, but once you find your groove with the right person it is worth while. Now that we have gotten past the difficult beginning we are really strong right now. However like I said, I haven't been married that long, so I could just be a big naive idiot. Who knows
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I was married for 10 years and I didn't think it was a waste of time, even after it ended. It was a good 10 years with a family I love and adore and I got the best gift of all out of it: 2 wonderful kids! I was devasted when it ended but that is life sometimes and I have made the best out of it!
I would rather be married than forever alone!
Whatever you choose, good luck. Perhaps it isn't for everyone.0 -
Just gonna throw this out there for some lolz. Wife in Spanish is esposa. Handcuffs in Spanish is esposas. That said, marriage is definitely work, it takes effort from both individuals but as someone else said, I would likely be lost without my wife.0
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Why do people always say "my husband/wife is my best friend" and this is suppose to be a good sign that they have a successful and harmonious marriage? Why take the vow of marriage to have a best friend? If what is being sort after is a best friend do you need the husband? I just do not understand fully this phrase.
I am asking?
I think by this people mean that their husband/wife is like a best friend as well as a lover/partner, not instead of. They have shared interests, have a laugh together regularly, go and do things together that aren't like "dates", see things beyond a sexual or family (married with kids) sort of way. Many people don't have this, despite having a great marriage. They love their spouse but can't talk to them in the same way a friend. It doesn't make it right or wrong, just different.
My partner is like my best friend because he's always there for me, I can and do talk to him about anything, way more than any friend I've had (and I have some great friends, but it's still not at that level) and we have plenty shared interests.
What marks the difference between best friend and spouse is that you wouldn't have sex/sexual attraction towards someone who's just a friend.0 -
Why do people always say "my husband/wife is my best friend" and this is suppose to be a good sign that they have a successful and harmonious marriage? Why take the vow of marriage to have a best friend? If what is being sort after is a best friend do you need the husband? I just do not understand fully this phrase.
Could it be that in such relationships the marriage has reduced itself down to a basic friendship which is a sign that it has become stagnant and is possibly in trouble? I am married for over 15 years and have a best friend of over 20 years but would not want my relationship with my husband to be reduced to this level. A marriage is on a totally different level. I can see this situation realizing itself if one finds themselves alone in the world and only has a husband and no other social outlet - then yes the husband becomes the best friend. But is this normal?
I am asking?
FWB0 -
Yes and no. From someone who isnt married i would say its just a piece of paper. Along with *usually* a big wedding bill along with the honeymoon. Although i could go for a honeymoon hmmm. Being common law in the eyes of the law is almost the same thing anyways. Just when you break up you dont have to pay for a divorce.heh0
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Ask yourself:
Do you want to have someone to share the most incredible moments of your life with?
Do you want to have someone to share the absolute worst moments of your life with?
Are you willing to reciprocate?
@Derp_diggler - Beautifully put!0 -
Why do people always say "my husband/wife is my best friend" and this is suppose to be a good sign that they have a successful and harmonious marriage? Why take the vow of marriage to have a best friend? If what is being sort after is a best friend do you need the husband? I just do not understand fully this phrase.
I am asking?
I think by this people mean that their husband/wife is like a best friend as well as a lover/partner, not instead of. They have shared interests, have a laugh together regularly, go and do things together that aren't like "dates", see things beyond a sexual or family (married with kids) sort of way. Many people don't have this, despite having a great marriage. They love their spouse but can't talk to them in the same way a friend. It doesn't make it right or wrong, just different.
My partner is like my best friend because he's always there for me, I can and do talk to him about anything, way more than any friend I've had (and I have some great friends, but it's still not at that level) and we have plenty shared interests.
What marks the difference between best friend and spouse is that you wouldn't have sex/sexual attraction towards someone who's just a friend.
You nailed it!0 -
My parents divorced when I was young and then went on to just live together until a year before my dad's death, when they remarried so my mother would get everything easier. They were happier without the oaths, more so than with and I would say that in some ways yes marriage might of been a waste of time FOR THEM, but they did learn from that mistake so there is that. For some reason that institution added unhappiness and caused great grief in their lives, go figure.
Now, I met my husband Thanksgiving 1983 and married him Feb. 18 1984. I was told that no way in Netu would that last as he is aTexan, Republican, a churchgoer, and an avid supporter of the NRA, while I am a Mainer, Independent, don't do church, and really don't like guns. Never mind the whole we had only dated twice, were military, and didn't really 'know' each other thing we had going on. LOL, 30 years and 3 children later we are still going strong. The first few years I was even a military 'single' mom as he was at sea 8 to 10 months of the year. There have been ups and downs, lots of fights, and lots of compromises but I wouldn't give up the experience for anything. So what if after my kids there is no one to remember me, go out into any cemetery and try to find someone you DO know (that your not related to).
I have some poetry published and write all the time so not missing out on that. As far as finding the next ground breaking vaccine or writing the next best seller, I am NOT Stephen King, or Stephen Hawkins, never was and would never be even if I wasn't married so really don't see the point your trying to make here. A lot of people go through life single, and happy I'm sure, but they still end up in the ground unknown and forgotten. Heck a lot of famous people get forgotten generations after their death and seriously, without looking it up on google, who were the last few Noble Peace Prize winners (there's been 196 total so far. Martin Luther King Jr. was one, he was MARRIED and is remembered. Mother Teresa was another, she was SINGLE and is semi-remembered).
Life is what YOU make of it. Nothing is a waste of time in my book, you can always learn from your mistakes so not even they are a waste.0 -
Ask yourself:
Do you want to have someone to share the most incredible moments of your life with?
Do you want to have someone to share the absolute worst moments of your life with?
Are you willing to reciprocate?
You can have that without that piece of paper! Me and my BF do. Marriage is a personal choice....but it is really no different that living common law. Aside from saving money on the wedding and divorce!0 -
I was married, still am legally. Unfortunately it was to someone who felt the need to cheat on me physically and emotionally more than once. Marriage is not for me, and I am totally okay with that. So once my divorce is final, I don't plan to ever remarry. It's time for me to focus on ME and my son. It's something that is fine with me, but may be different for others.0
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Marriage is a very hard thing and requires people with qualities like selflessness,magnanimity,pragmatism,empathy & candor.
Those are qualities required in any relationship, really, not just marriage. Two people can have their lives intertwined in every way including financially and legally, especially if there is property or kids involved. A person doesn't have to be married to be devastated by an affair.0 -
Why do people always say "my husband/wife is my best friend" and this is suppose to be a good sign that they have a successful and harmonious marriage? Why take the vow of marriage to have a best friend? If what is being sort after is a best friend do you need the husband? I just do not understand fully this phrase.
Could it be that in such relationships the marriage has reduced itself down to a basic friendship which is a sign that it has become stagnant and is possibly in trouble? I am married for over 15 years and have a best friend of over 20 years but would not want my relationship with my husband to be reduced to this level. A marriage is on a totally different level. I can see this situation realizing itself if one finds themselves alone in the world and only has a husband and no other social outlet - then yes the husband becomes the best friend. But is this normal?
I am asking?
This sums up my feelings exactly. Granted, I'm young and I've never even considered marriage with the people I've dated, but my best friend is a perfect best friend, but if that's all I got from my husband (admittedly, there would be the physical attraction also) I would never be satisfied. Sure, I would gladly live with my best friend, even raise kids with her, but I feel a marriage should be more than being able to live in agreement and entertain each other.0 -
Marriage is a lifetime promise you make to the person you love. It's like everything else in life, you get out of it what you put into it.
It's so sad that kids today are raised for the here and now. It's too easy to get a divorce nowadays.
I have been married for over 30 years and not all of it was cake and ice cream.
Old school values are way more important than getting your kid the newest phone or gaming system.0 -
It is if you can't get past being selfish etc. As for being able to do other things, marriage does not inhibit anyone from doing great things. If they feel marriage is a trap, they either have the wrong mind set about it, or they're with the wrong person! Lol.0
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I loved my wedding day and I enjoy being married (5 years now). Yeah my wedding was expensive, but it was a beautiful, fun day shared with all my friends and family (and my wife's).
HOWEVER:
I'm far from convinced that human beings are built for monogamy.
Here are two relevant and enlightening presentations related to this issue:
Are we designed to be sexual omnivores?:
http://www.ted.com/talks/christopher_ryan_are_we_designed_to_be_sexual_omnivores
The secret to desire in a long term relationship: http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship0 -
Marriage is totally worth it - I was eating wedding cake for weeks and I have a drawer full of cuttlery that I have no idea what it's used for0
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i find so much wrong with this mentality...
1. you really think the world's proportion of self-centered, egoistic, inconsiderate narcissists has changed significantly? i doubt it. people are people are people, and they have been, have been, have been.
2. likewise, adultery and betrayal have not 'become the norm.' they've been around since the beginning, and i'd contend these acts and their prevalence have changed very little over the course of human history. the ways in which we think and talk about them may have changed.
3. isn't saying you don't want to get married because of the adultery & betrayal of others kind of like saying you don't want to go to college because X% of college students don't graduate? in either case, what's their behavior got to do with yours?
4. if you're considering what you 'get in return' from marriage, i think you're kind of missing the point. i've never been (legally) married, but i think i get it: "i give myself to you, and i 'get' yourself in return, and anything else that i 'get' as a result of our union, positive or negative, i unequivocally accept as part of the deal."
5. you don't have to have a spouse to be remembered when you die. hopefully you'll have family and friends too, which most people have, including unmarrieds. usually one ends up with more of these than spouses. unmarried =/= lonely.
6. many brilliant achievers are able to do what they do because the have a spouse to make meals, care for children, keep house, etc. so they can spend tons of time in the lab/studio/university/etc. ever read the acknowledgments page in a book?
TL;DR: marriage is the cart, the love your life is the horse. do not put the wrong one first.0 -
It's not for everyone. That being said, I would be lost without my wife.
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