Anyone else's parents ignorant and sabotaging in dieting?
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This is the second thread I have read from you where you ask for advice then ignore or belittle the advice you get and say it doesn't apply to you or whatever excuse suits you at the time.
Sorry OP, either listen to the advice or stop asking for it and stop responding rudely to everyone who takes the time to give you what I think is bloody good advice.
1) grow up
2) get a job
3) save money and move into a share house where you are in control of your food
4) stop blaming your parents and everyone else for your weight and problems
5) you have serious issues, get some counselling.
That is all.0 -
My parents were first generation, too, but Irish. My mother was 98 pounds when she got married, mostly because she was from a large, financially challenged family (born in the Depression). Both parents are gone now, and I understand completely what you mean, although my mother always cooked decent meals so there wasn't really that much junk for meals. And we had plenty of fruits and vegetables, BUT my parents always bought cookies, ice cream, coffee cake, etc. I didn't know until I was an adult that there was a cause-effect relationship between food and weight.
I'm much older now, old enough to be your mom. Here's my take: you can't change your parents. You can only create the life you want for yourself. I don't know what I would do about your past experiences, but it sounds like they may never get it.
As an adult, I still feel the sting of my mother telling me to lose weight, even when I was normal weight, and she kept buying cookies, and other sweets which are my weakness. I felt fat when I so clearly wasn't, mostly because my mother was disappointed that I was a bigger girl (I mean taller and athletic, not fat or even chubby). My nearly 6 foot tall sister was very thin (about 120 lbs) but she heard about being flat-chested. You just can't win!
But, you can find a way to love yourself in spite of this. It's hard not to be angry, so I won't tell you not to be angry. But the more you love yourself, the less anger you'll feel.0 -
Italian households can be super overwhelming. I know because I am in one. In the traditional Italian house, it is not as simple as "you're an adult so you can make your own choices"... It just does NOT work that way. So to just tell her to just leave when she doesnt have money or any support system is foolish.
To the OP: I didnt read everyones responses but it seems like not alot of people have been in a similar situation. I'll refrain from stating what everyone else has said about going into therapy because you can take their advice or leave it. But the one thing I want to say to YOU is, and I know this is hard, but you NEED to start finding out a way to move past it. Move past your parents mistakes, your ruined childhood/life up until this point ... You lost close to 100 pounds! that takes alot of courage and strength ... You are DOING IT! You have shown your strength by figuring out a toxic environment still fairly early on. If counseling isn't an option, go to the library and read some self help books .. Walk there if you need to . Use the library at school to look up self-help books, I'm sure they are there. If you have noone who loves you, YOU NEED TO LOVE YOU. Seriously. I know it sounds like hokey BS, and its totally going to suck and be the hardest thing you've ever had to do, but you need to dig deep inside yourself to pull out that strength to move past this
Secondly, I do agree with the other posters: get a dorm next semester. Stay out of your parents house as much as you can. Find a job on campus to get you a little cash. While it sucks to say, you might not be able to move out until after college .. but once that time comes, just go. They'll be pissed, they'll scream and cry and throw temper tantrums ... just let them. It sucks and Im really sorry you have to be in this situation because noone deserves to be treated like that . Just know that it is not normal how they are and pat yourself on the back for figuring that out early in life instead of blindly going in their direction .. Goodluck!0 -
By the time I was nineteen I had been living on my own for a few years already. When you want to leave, you will figure out a way to get a job and save up the money to get somewhere to live. Until then, it's their house and you are an adult in their house. If you are that unhappy, WALK to work. I walked three miles to work and three miles home to save up money to move out, if you WANT to do it, you will find a way.
I don't get why people keep giving me the same advice over and over and over again. I've read at least 10 posts now advising the same thing. Please, before you post just read or at least SKIM the other 9000 posts saying the same exact thing. Also, I'm going to college and NOT giving up on my dreams or my life because of my dad, i.e., i'm not quitting school and getting a crummy part time job (AGAIN FOR THE FOURTH TIME) and abandoning any actual chance at success.
I'm not sure why "getting a crummy part time job" has anything to do with "abandoning any actual chance at success." I worked part time jobs all the way through college- on campus and off- and wouldn't have made it through without them. Why can't you get a part-time job again? It's going to remain incredibly hard for you to get any distance from your father without some income source. You're turning down a lot of good advice without giving it much consideration.I don't know where you live, (or all of the circumstances) but if you are in the US, here are some places you can contact for some help. Also, chat with your school to see what options are available there. If need be, you can always show them your post.
By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://www.211.org/
http://www.mentalhealth.gov/get-help/immediate-help/index.html
eta:
adding this link just in case
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support
and +1 (or 9, or whatever number we're at) to this advice0 -
By the time I was nineteen I had been living on my own for a few years already. When you want to leave, you will figure out a way to get a job and save up the money to get somewhere to live. Until then, it's their house and you are an adult in their house. If you are that unhappy, WALK to work. I walked three miles to work and three miles home to save up money to move out, if you WANT to do it, you will find a way.
I don't get why people keep giving me the same advice over and over and over again. I've read at least 10 posts now advising the same thing. Please, before you post just read or at least SKIM the other 9000 posts saying the same exact thing. Also, I'm going to college and NOT giving up on my dreams or my life because of my dad, i.e., i'm not quitting school and getting a crummy part time job (AGAIN FOR THE FOURTH TIME) and abandoning any actual chance at success.
Ma'am. I have a bachelors degree. I worked a full time job while getting it and graduated in under the four years, when you WANT something, you find a way,
You, my dear, just want to complain.0 -
I grew up in an abusive environment. After turning 18 I was still isolated and controlled by my parents. I understand what hopelessness and fear feels like. My escape was joining the military, literally I just left home and went to MEPS without telling anyone until after I left. I then stayed with a friend for two weeks prior to leaving for bootcamp. It was extreme but my home life was extreme and it was the only way I saw out of it. It was the best decision I ever made and I credit that move for the wonderful life I have now. I have no doubt that my life would be drastically different otherwise.
OP - use the time you have while you are waiting for your dad to formulate some options that will help you to get out of this situation. Gather up some strength and start living your life.
BTW - when my parents found out I left for MEPS they called the police, reported me as a runaway, and expected them to bring me home. I was 18. Seriously.
Seriously awesome advice, SJ46!! Free housing, medical, dental, fitness training, a paycheck and $$ for education! Plus, OP would get to see the world (not everyone goes to Baghdad!) I was an Army wife for 20 years. This will give OP a "break" from her parents and possibly some distance.
That might be great for you but I'm not gonna join the army to escape my parents, it seems irrational when there are other options.
Really? Because so far, you seem to be best at making excuses. In fact, if you put as much energy into finding and utilizing options other than staying in what you described as an abusive situation, you would already be out of the house, working, and on your own eating "healthy" (however you define that) foods and, I'm guessing, wasting away with an ED, because you also have more excuses why you can't continue with your ED recovery!0 -
no *kitten* my parents own the house i live in. no *kitten* I can go to a homeless shelter. but you know what? this question was a cry for help and support from people who have changed the abusive ways of their parents and learned to live with them. i don't want to run away from my parents or my problems. because guess what? I'm not wrong in this situation. i'm not some bad kid. I've done nothing to deserve this kind of neglect, and I want love from my parents. now how does that make me a rude 'rebel teen?' as some of you described? how was this question in any way a bratty comment? i want my parents to be educated. i want them to change. but the only thing i thought i would get out of this post was some consolation and others who have experienced the same thing
These people are trying to tell you, you can't change abusive people. You can't force them to show you the love you deserve.
They will continue to be the people they are. You can leave, or figure out ways to deal with it, but those are really the only options. You've made it clear you have no intention of figuring out how to get out of there, so your only real option now is dealing with it until you are ready or in a position to leave.
Many many people here have cut off their toxic families. Unfortunately having no family is sometimes better for a person than dealing with the family they were born into.0 -
"*I HAVE NEVER KNOWN A LIFE OUTSIDE OF THIS ONE, HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA STAND UP AND WALK OUT OF MY HOUSE AND LIVE IN A HOMELESS SHELTER? That is literally a stupid idea. this post was to ask people WHO HAVE BEEN IN MY SITUATIOn how to tough it out and muddle through, even maybe how to change the ignorance of my mom and dad. i know you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but i was hoping there was a separate case for humans. "
Been there, done that, freaked out, panicked, attempted suicide, survived. Because I rebelled. Which means, standing up for myself, making a plan, being ready to leave, calling the police when threatened, asking friends and relatives for help. You cannot change your parents. You cannot live by trying to please or change an abuser. You can get obsessed with this, let them control you, get so focused on trying to both please them and change them that you will go crazy (literally, my brother is a psychiatric patient). I know what you want to hear, every abused kid has wanted the same thing. It is not going to happen. Until you realise this and plan your life based on getting independent from your parents, nothing will change. Learn to drive, get a bike, use the bus, drop the clubs or whatever and look for a part time job, work on the weekends, look for paid job in school related activities, contact professors and labs etc to see if there are any research programs, funded activities etc where you could work part-time, ask them for references, contact your local church, look if the school cafeteria on any other shops in the area are hiring, look for jobs you can do from home at night, make plans to leave. There is no other way around it, sorry. And yes, you can do all this and have good grades, I was in top 1% of my year every year, then got a PhD, so did my husband who also had to work to support his family at the time. If you set your mind to it, stop focusing on wishing for a miracle and accept somtimes you have to live with what you have, not wishes, then anything is possible. Not in a day or a week, it might take months, or even years to ebe compeltely free, but unless you start doing something about it, it is not happening.0 -
...Anyone else have parents who are so devious, so slimy, so absolutely worthless and unsupportive that they try to sabotage your diet, your mind, and your life like this? I need to know others have problems like this, I'm absolutely freaking crazy over how stupid they are. The ignorance never ends with them. Luckily it ends with me.
My husband grew up in an abusive home. He hasn't spoken to his parents in years and has no plans to ever interact with them again. Just because they share genes, doesn't mean you're stuck with these toxic people forever. Do what you need to do to survive in the meantime, and once you've made your own life, detach from them. But please seek therapy asap. Bitterness and anger WILL destroy you over time. Good luck! :flowerforyou:
ETA: You can't, and won't, change your parents. The only thing you can change is yourself.
P.S. LOL at all the "join the military" comments. My husband joined the Marines. It worked for him! :drinker:0 -
So much anger and hatred... WHY do you really stay? There's also only one side to the story being told here. Your parents sounds like desperate ppl who has become frustrated trying to cope with a child that really does have an ED. You've lost so much weight why do you continue to need a scale to weigh everything when there are other methods you can use? I suspect tho that you need to be very precise and have become obsessive . Even after getting good advice here ,for which I might add you asked for, you're now attacking ppl here. I suspect there are other underlying issues going on. We all have options and you're now old enough to make reasonable choices and decisions. But I agree with the majority...you need to start with counseling first of all.0
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You're in 7 different clubs at school, but you don't have any friends? :noway:
When I was 19 my parents kicked me out because I wanted to go to college. I thought I hated them, that they didn't want me to succeed, and they were trying to ruin my life. So I did really well in college to prove them wrong about me. And then I got over the teenage angst and grew up and I have a great relationship with them.
If you really want to change your life, or your situation, you will. You're legally an adult. You can get out of your situation without going to a homeless shelter.
If you just wanted to *****, this was a bad place to do it.
Now go change things. :drinker:0 -
Your dads sounds abusive, but actually from my reading of this, your mum could be acting purely out of deep concern for you and your health.
You CAN be anorexic at 145 pounds. Anorexia is a mental disorder, not a weight. If her suspicions of your being anorexic are correct I understand why she may be trying to 'sneak in' extra calories.
This is just one possible interpretation of what I am reading.
And vegetable soup doesn't have THAT many calories.
My advice is to start calling the helplines that other people posted, tell them your situation. They can refer you to places and people who can help you more.0 -
I grew up in a deeply abusive home. My father was the town drunk so the whole town knew about his appalling behaviour. He would come home drunk, angry and violent so we (8 kids) would have to watch and wait for him to come home, then run for it before he had a chance to lay a finger on us. It didn't matter what the weather was like, what the time was, whether we were sick or tired, we had to leave the house. Then he would proceed to scream abuse, smash up the house, rant and rave with every known expletive and continue drinking until he finally went to sleep. Sometimes he would come looking for us and I can remember being terrified of him, scared stiff. We used to have to hide in the chicken house during stormy winter nights and the thing I was most scared of were the huge spiders that hung from the roof in there. To this day I have a phobia of spiders. We could not go out socially or he would cause the most embarrassing scenes you could possible imagine because he always would get drunk. That was all he thought about. And my mother stayed with him and became more and more mentally ill with schizophrenia. She was a control freak and pretty much told us all what to do ALL the time about EVERYTHING. I also was forced to eat huge amounts of unhealthy food. Everything on my plate. She was horrified about reducing portions, or having more healthy food. It was as though she wanted us to be fat. She was obese herself. I had a slim friend whose mother would often serve salads. I saw them and would long for my mother to serve salads - and fruit from the fruit shop. I ended up getting married at 18 to escape the living hell of home. I married into another hellish life where my inlaws were control freaks who cared only for themselves. The only thing they cared about was having their children on hand so that they could use them whenever they chose to. They treated my husband and myself very poorly. It took many years (about 20) before I had the courage to stand up to them. I hated both my parents passionately. Absolutely hated them. But I learnt to forgive them because I learnt that the best thing for me was to forgive them, not because they deserved it. My parents are dead now, but my in-laws are still alive. We have separated from them as much as possible. It is sad and I still wish that it could be more 'happy family' but they are toxic and they infect our lives with poison as soon as we allow them into our life. I have learnt to forgive them also, but I cannot forget. I am happy now. I have sought out counselling and self help at every opportunity. It has been a very hard haul but my husband and our children have the 'happy family' that I always longed for. I still find myself longing for a strong, dependable dad who loves me, and talks to me and gives me advice. I miss not having a mum too, just as much. I never had them but I know I never will. I have a Heavenly Father and I take in as much as I can from happy families that I know. My children are my best friends and my husband is growing into a wonderful father. I have some weight problems but I'm okay. I may be a bit overweight but I work mostly on the inside of myself. I wish for you every happiness and may your life be as happy as mine is now.0
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That man who made me with my mother was extremely abusive.
I won't go into details but I couldn't change him so I changed my situation.
You seem to be incredibly angry at the fact that though there are people who have suffered, like you, they don't have some specific piece of advice that will make everything ok again, that'll make your parents listen and suddenly let you use scales and give you their car and let you have a job. Instead you keep belittling them and calling their advice stupid. Everything's stupid to you. I'm afraid I have limited reserves of sympathy and I think you're stupid because you CAN make positive changes to your life but refuse to do so.0 -
So what is it you want to hear, exactly?
Um, let's see, OTHER PEOPLE WHO SURVIVED THIS BULL.
those people are responding to you but they survived doing something you don't seem to want to do.
+10 -
So much anger and hatred... WHY do you really stay? There's also only one side to the story being told here. Your parents sounds like desperate ppl who has become frustrated trying to cope with a child that really does have an ED. You've lost so much weight why do you continue to need a scale to weigh everything when there are other methods you can use? I suspect tho that you need to be very precise and have become obsessive . Even after getting good advice here ,for which I might add you asked for, you're now attacking ppl here. I suspect there are other underlying issues going on. We all have options and you're now old enough to make reasonable choices and decisions. But I agree with the majority...you need to start with counseling first of all.
who am i attacking? wtf?0 -
...Anyone else have parents who are so devious, so slimy, so absolutely worthless and unsupportive that they try to sabotage your diet, your mind, and your life like this? I need to know others have problems like this, I'm absolutely freaking crazy over how stupid they are. The ignorance never ends with them. Luckily it ends with me.
My husband grew up in an abusive home. He hasn't spoken to his parents in years and has no plans to ever interact with them again. Just because they share genes, doesn't mean you're stuck with these toxic people forever. Do what you need to do to survive in the meantime, and once you've made your own life, detach from them. But please seek therapy asap. Bitterness and anger WILL destroy you over time. Good luck! :flowerforyou:
ETA: You can't, and won't, change your parents. The only thing you can change is yourself.
P.S. LOL at all the "join the military" comments. My husband joined the Marines. It worked for him! :drinker:
hey at least someone took the time to answer my question. thanks for the answer!0 -
"*I HAVE NEVER KNOWN A LIFE OUTSIDE OF THIS ONE, HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA STAND UP AND WALK OUT OF MY HOUSE AND LIVE IN A HOMELESS SHELTER? That is literally a stupid idea. this post was to ask people WHO HAVE BEEN IN MY SITUATIOn how to tough it out and muddle through, even maybe how to change the ignorance of my mom and dad. i know you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but i was hoping there was a separate case for humans. "
Been there, done that, freaked out, panicked, attempted suicide, survived. Because I rebelled. Which means, standing up for myself, making a plan, being ready to leave, calling the police when threatened, asking friends and relatives for help. You cannot change your parents. You cannot live by trying to please or change an abuser. You can get obsessed with this, let them control you, get so focused on trying to both please them and change them that you will go crazy (literally, my brother is a psychiatric patient). I know what you want to hear, every abused kid has wanted the same thing. It is not going to happen. Until you realise this and plan your life based on getting independent from your parents, nothing will change. Learn to drive, get a bike, use the bus, drop the clubs or whatever and look for a part time job, work on the weekends, look for paid job in school related activities, contact professors and labs etc to see if there are any research programs, funded activities etc where you could work part-time, ask them for references, contact your local church, look if the school cafeteria on any other shops in the area are hiring, look for jobs you can do from home at night, make plans to leave. There is no other way around it, sorry. And yes, you can do all this and have good grades, I was in top 1% of my year every year, then got a PhD, so did my husband who also had to work to support his family at the time. If you set your mind to it, stop focusing on wishing for a miracle and accept somtimes you have to live with what you have, not wishes, then anything is possible. Not in a day or a week, it might take months, or even years to ebe compeltely free, but unless you start doing something about it, it is not happening.
i appreciate the advice. but let me ask you something, why do you guys end all your comments assuming i haven't already taken actions? why does everyone keep ending their comments with stuff like; NOW GET OFF YOUR *kitten* AND (insert action here). How do you know if I'm working hard or not right now? I don't get it, you guys act all defensive and end all your comments with some backhanded "motivator" that just sounds mean, and then expect me to be like; "haha, you're right, what a fool I am, such a loser, let me beat myself up even more, that will teach me to take action."
I take action every day. You people don't know me. Please, stop with the comments already. I'm done with this damn post!0 -
I grew up in an abusive environment. After turning 18 I was still isolated and controlled by my parents. I understand what hopelessness and fear feels like. My escape was joining the military, literally I just left home and went to MEPS without telling anyone until after I left. I then stayed with a friend for two weeks prior to leaving for bootcamp. It was extreme but my home life was extreme and it was the only way I saw out of it. It was the best decision I ever made and I credit that move for the wonderful life I have now. I have no doubt that my life would be drastically different otherwise.
OP - use the time you have while you are waiting for your dad to formulate some options that will help you to get out of this situation. Gather up some strength and start living your life.
BTW - when my parents found out I left for MEPS they called the police, reported me as a runaway, and expected them to bring me home. I was 18. Seriously.
Seriously awesome advice, SJ46!! Free housing, medical, dental, fitness training, a paycheck and $$ for education! Plus, OP would get to see the world (not everyone goes to Baghdad!) I was an Army wife for 20 years. This will give OP a "break" from her parents and possibly some distance.
That might be great for you but I'm not gonna join the army to escape my parents, it seems irrational when there are other options.
Really? Because so far, you seem to be best at making excuses. In fact, if you put as much energy into finding and utilizing options other than staying in what you described as an abusive situation, you would already be out of the house, working, and on your own eating "healthy" (however you define that) foods and, I'm guessing, wasting away with an ED, because you also have more excuses why you can't continue with your ED recovery!
WHAT THE **** ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT WITH THE ED?
I'm seriously offended that you're randomly accusing me of having an ED. Who the **** are you?0 -
Italian households can be super overwhelming. I know because I am in one. In the traditional Italian house, it is not as simple as "you're an adult so you can make your own choices"... It just does NOT work that way. So to just tell her to just leave when she doesnt have money or any support system is foolish.
To the OP: I didnt read everyones responses but it seems like not alot of people have been in a similar situation. I'll refrain from stating what everyone else has said about going into therapy because you can take their advice or leave it. But the one thing I want to say to YOU is, and I know this is hard, but you NEED to start finding out a way to move past it. Move past your parents mistakes, your ruined childhood/life up until this point ... You lost close to 100 pounds! that takes alot of courage and strength ... You are DOING IT! You have shown your strength by figuring out a toxic environment still fairly early on. If counseling isn't an option, go to the library and read some self help books .. Walk there if you need to . Use the library at school to look up self-help books, I'm sure they are there. If you have noone who loves you, YOU NEED TO LOVE YOU. Seriously. I know it sounds like hokey BS, and its totally going to suck and be the hardest thing you've ever had to do, but you need to dig deep inside yourself to pull out that strength to move past this
Secondly, I do agree with the other posters: get a dorm next semester. Stay out of your parents house as much as you can. Find a job on campus to get you a little cash. While it sucks to say, you might not be able to move out until after college .. but once that time comes, just go. They'll be pissed, they'll scream and cry and throw temper tantrums ... just let them. It sucks and Im really sorry you have to be in this situation because noone deserves to be treated like that . Just know that it is not normal how they are and pat yourself on the back for figuring that out early in life instead of blindly going in their direction .. Goodluck!
hey, good advice, thanks!
i'm glad you understand what it means to be truly Italian here...they don't really give you a lot of options.0
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