Overweight daughter

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  • melinda200208
    melinda200208 Posts: 525 Member
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    She needs to want it herself. It sounds like you did everything you could. I would suggest not even mentioning anythying to her anymore. She might not be doing anything because you keep pushing her to lose weight. Or, she just isn't ready yet. All you can do is be there for when she is ready.
  • jaynalawayna
    jaynalawayna Posts: 80 Member
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    I have a 17 year old that is now experiencing weight issues. I do not mention it, I do not suggest. At most I will say "I'm taking my walk, want to come?" She never wants to come. But my weight loss is my journey - just as her body is her journey. I know it is hard as a Mom to just let go - especially when pressured by others who suggest "Why did you let this happen". She must find her own way and I'm sure she is beautiful and inspirational at any size.
  • wannakimmy
    wannakimmy Posts: 488 Member
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    I do feel for you, I struggle with the same issue with my own daughter. You want only the best for your children, and when you don't have the power to make things happen, it hurts. Saying nothing to her about her weight. If she brings it up, listen. She will have to do something about it when she is ready. Just try to be supportive in HER decisions. It is extremely hard, but will be best for both of you. JMO
  • gurlygirlrcr80
    gurlygirlrcr80 Posts: 162 Member
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    sadly there is nothing you can do until she comes to you for help with it. Until she is ready to deal with it then it will be nothing but criticism on deaf ears. She will twist whatever you say in her head until it sounds like an insult. That's what i did until I was ready to drop the weight.
  • deksgrl
    deksgrl Posts: 7,237 Member
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    Leave her alone. Seriously. Leave. Her. Alone. You have undoubtedly already said and done things that have hurt or angered her so deeply that she will never forget them. Stop. Stop now.

    Letting her find her own way is the only way for (1) you to keep a relationship with her and (2) for her to lose weight. Just STOP.

    THIS.
  • DamianaKitten
    DamianaKitten Posts: 479 Member
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    leave her alone her body is not your business she is a grown women

    you have probably contributed to her feeling like massive **** about her self too btw ..so you really need to stop & be supportive of how and who she is NOW

    she is okay and loved and perfect just the way she is good looorddd

    I know that by asking for advice in a public forum that I should be prepared for the good and the bad, however this is a little harsh don't you think? Especially knowing none of the details about the kind of relationship I have with my daughter. You make it sound like I called her a fat pig to her face. I have NEVER told her she needs to lose weight. Thank you for making me feel like a piece of **** mother.

    This is a valuable lesson to you.

    Did the person call you a piece of **** mother?

    No. That's what you took from the advice.

    So when you tell your daughter, "honey you could stand to be a bit healthier" (or however you put it) she hears, "I'm disgusted by my fat daughter."

    You have to let her make her own choices for herself. All you can do is love her unconditionally and be there to support her. That's it.

    :drinker: Exactly! Thank you for using the words that were escaping me.
  • SonicDeathMonkey80
    SonicDeathMonkey80 Posts: 4,489 Member
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    The sad truth, she wont lose weight - and continue on it- unless she wants to. Simple as that. Everyone wants to push on a "diet". But diets fail. We need to change our lifestyle. Whoever thought eating Lucky Charms Cereal for breakfast was part of a "balanced breakfast" should be ashamed. Learning how to control our portions. What is "good fats" and what isn't. Getting in those fruits and vegetables. Learning to read labels. Its not about cutting out everything we love. It's learning how to control ourself. Maybe you need to sit down with her and have a real, actual talk. No "you're wayyyy overweight, go on a diet, now!" type talk. But really sit down, talk with her. Tell her it isn't "no more chocolate for you" but "hey you need to learn how to control yourself" Showing her protein can keep her fuller, longer. Take her to the Doctors, make her realize she DOES have a problem which can KILL HER. Some people need a wake up call. But like i said, she wont lose the weight unless she wants it.

    Why are you ragging on Lucky Charms? Sure, there are better choices, but you can make it work.

    How are you going to trick an adult into going to the doctor anyway? She's fat, not an invalid.
  • Iknowsaur
    Iknowsaur Posts: 777 Member
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    I have a 17 year old that is now experiencing weight issues. I do not mention it, I do not suggest. At most I will say "I'm taking my walk, want to come?" She never wants to come. But my weight loss is my journey - just as her body is her journey. I know it is hard as a Mom to just let go - especially when pressured by others who suggest "Why did you let this happen". She must find her own way and I'm sure she is beautiful and inspirational at any size.

    That sounds wonderful. You give her the option, but you don't pressure her :D That's all she needs.
  • mrslcoop
    mrslcoop Posts: 317 Member
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    I would want to hear nothing from my mother and honestly if my mom ever told me I needed to lose weight I'd flip out on her. As an adult woman I am allowed to do whatever I want with my own body. I have to make my own decisions and I have to be the one to find the strength to do this myself.

    All you can do is be an example and nothing more.

    ETA: Edited to try and not be as harsh, even though I want to. My mom and I are very close and I would not be ok with her saying anything to me about my body.
  • Bry_Fitness70
    Bry_Fitness70 Posts: 2,480 Member
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    My daughter is 26, 287 lbs and about 5'7".

    I think it is negligent to simply ignore this and "just wait for her to come around" at some point. Really, just wait it out? How has that worked out so far? When is mom supposed to get concerned? 335? 385? When she has hypertension,diabetes, or some other affliction crippling her? Great parenting.
  • Shaky44
    Shaky44 Posts: 214 Member
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    This is a valuable lesson to you.

    Did the person call you a piece of **** mother?

    No. That's what you took from the advice.

    So when you tell your daughter, "honey you could stand to be a bit healthier" (or however you put it) she hears, "I'm disgusted by my fat daughter."

    You have to let her make her own choices for herself. All you can do is love her unconditionally and be there to support her. That's it.
    +1
  • tabbyblack13
    tabbyblack13 Posts: 299 Member
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    I have always have had extra weight. I had my grandma on my mom's side tried to get me to lose weight when I was, maybe 10 or younger (I really don't remember what age I was). It didn't really click in my head what she was trying to do until I was in my 20s. To this day I hold it against her even tho she died a few years ago. It hurts to know that when I was that young she was trying to bully me into being smaller but at that age I didn't care about that.

    My mom tried to put me on a diet when I was on high school. I read one meal plan and I knew it was a stupid plan. Then we got into a fight that my dad had to step in to stop. She kept trying me to go on this diet but she was a lot heavier then me. That's when I turned it on here since she always claimed that when she was my age she was a size 4. I asked her why she wasn't a size 4 anymore and why she wasn't trying to get to that size anymore. She stopped.

    When I was in college she was saying how she was eating cake and drinking coke constently and still loseing weight. Which pissed me off to no end. Then she found out a few month later she had diebetes. Now there are no comment about what I eat except when I insist on vegetables to eat for dinner. The first round of weight watchers I endup loosing 65 lbs and my dad was very careful about what he said about it. I do have my mom's temper when provoked.
  • OllyReeves
    OllyReeves Posts: 579 Member
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    Wow, way to go guys, let's ream the woman out for being worried about her daughter. Good job there are so many experts in here.

    And for the people that are describing her as 'perfect' and 'fine just the way she is' Get a grip. She's very overweight, and at risk of all the health problems come along with that. You can't understand why the woman feels the need to address that with her daughter?

    What do you think her doctor should do when she goes? Should her Doctor just let her be too? I'm sure she'll be a regular before long....high blood pressure, blocked arteries, coronary heart disease.

    Well done MFP. Another win.
  • Carnivor0us
    Carnivor0us Posts: 1,752 Member
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    I am overweight and my mother rarely was.

    I did not resent her being frank about my weight. She was right. Just be kind about it (which I'm sure you are). It 'helped' that I had actual health problems that manifested from my obesity, problems which I could not deny. Just don't bring it up every single time you two speak (I'm assuming you don't).

    Your support means a lot.
  • OllyReeves
    OllyReeves Posts: 579 Member
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    This is a valuable lesson to you.

    Did the person call you a piece of **** mother?

    No. That's what you took from the advice.

    So when you tell your daughter, "honey you could stand to be a bit healthier" (or however you put it) she hears, "I'm disgusted by my fat daughter."

    You have to let her make her own choices for herself. All you can do is love her unconditionally and be there to support her. That's it.
    +1

    Patronising, unhelpful and not true.
  • DamianaKitten
    DamianaKitten Posts: 479 Member
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    My daughter is 26, 287 lbs and about 5'7".

    I think it is negligent to simply ignore this and "just wait for her to come around" at some point. Really, just wait it out? How has that worked out so far? When is mom supposed to get concerned? 335? 385? When she has hypertension,diabetes, or some other affliction crippling her? Great parenting.

    Should she travel to another state, tie her daughter down, and force celery down her throat? No? Her daughter will change when/if she wants to. Being present to offer support (when it's asked of her!) is great! Constantly trying to force her to change will not work, and will not motivate her.
  • Lisa1971
    Lisa1971 Posts: 3,069 Member
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    Sorry to tell you this, but it has to come from her, or it will never work.

    THIS!!!!!!!! She has to want to do it for herself and herself alone. Leave her until she's ready and asks for help or support.
  • missbp
    missbp Posts: 601 Member
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    I feel really bad saying this, because I know you are well meaning, but you need to back off. Your daughter is a grown woman. And if she decides to take action and get into better shape, it will need to be HER decision. I know you are worried and are only looking out for her. But, if you keep pestering her about this, you may cause permanent damage to your relationship with her. And where will the positive be in that?

    I also have a daughter who has some weight issues. But my daughter is not quite 13 years old. And even though she is still a minor child, I try my very best to not let it become an issue between us. I am doing all of the things I should be doing. Including leading by example. Encouraging healthy eating and exercise habits. But, when she had a melt down in a fitting room a week ago, because she was feeling badly about her body, I took the opportunity to encourage her to get it under control. I told her she was beautiful, smart and capable. And that if she wanted to begin to make healthy changes in her life, that I believe in her and I will support her any way I can.

    My point is . . . even at 13, it still needs to be HER choice. Forcing your agenda, usually ends in epic failure. I know I certainly resist when folks take that approach with me. Be supportive if your daughter decides, but back off with the constantly bringing it up. It is quite possible that the unhealthy habits your daughter learned, were developed right in your own home. It's great that you decided to make positive changes in your life as a adult. Hopefully your daughter eventually will too.

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