Overweight daughter
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+1
This is a valuable lesson to you.
Did the person call you a piece of **** mother?
No. That's what you took from the advice.
So when you tell your daughter, "honey you could stand to be a bit healthier" (or however you put it) she hears, "I'm disgusted by my fat daughter."
You have to let her make her own choices for herself. All you can do is love her unconditionally and be there to support her. That's it.
Patronising, unhelpful and not true.
Well then please enlighten everyone, genius.
Someone's daughter doesn't want to lose weight. How do you think she should go about making her without demolishing her self esteem with a side helping of an eating disorder?
You're taking shots at everyone else for saying that she needs to back off, now why don't you post your brilliant idea for how to make someone else lose weight?
I don't have the answer any more than you do. This isn't about forcing her daughter to lose weight, It's about the responsibility that a parent (a good one) would feel to try and do something to make her daughter realise that she's killing herself. If her daughter was an alcoholic or a drug addict, would you be telling her to tiptoe around it then? What's the difference? She's killing herself.
Clearer?
Dumber actually.
Her daughter isn't killing herself. If that's her in the pic she's somewhat overweight. Carrying an extra 50lbs and being strung out on heroin are completely different things, which anyone who isn't a complete idiot realizes.
So since you admit you have no helpful advice to give, I'm going to stick with "love your daughter and support her no matter what she weighs." You can stick with...I don't know.. whining.
Nah you're right, she'll be fine.
You sure? I thought being overweight was like being an alcoholic junkie?? Shouldn't she show what a caring parent she is and force her grown daughter to go to a fat camp? I mean you'd send your kid to rehab if they were on drugs, right?
Odds are she will be fine. She'll make the choice to lose weight when she's ready, or maybe she won't. But one thing is certain, no one can force her.
Nope, you're right. She's 50lbs overweight, like you said (obviously she SHOULD be around 235lbs in an ideal world, and a mother wanting to try and help her daughter realise that what she's doing is dangerous is completely unreasonable. You've convinced me.0 -
I think if you press her she might get annoyed, but I do not know your daughter's temperament. Maybe you can just tell her that you lost a lot of weight on MFP and maybe she would want to join and see if she likes it, but don't press it. She needs to do it on her own.0
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WOW... this is exactly why I don't post in forums.... You people are forgetting that she is her MOTHER and was just asking to see if any other mother is going through this.... All she wants is the best for her daughter, who the hell wouldn't??? You lot make out that she has been pestering her daughter. All she said is that she "encouraged" her daughter to join MFP... Jeez, if my mum said that to me, I wouldn't have a breakdown, I would actually thank her for her advice.
You are forgetting that most people here have been or ARE in the exact same position as the daughter. They are sharing their perspective on how the daughter probably feels. And stating fact that unless and until the daughter is ready, no amount of "encouragement" is going to make her do it.0 -
I would love to hear the daughter's side of all this.0
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I think it's almost funny that this is such a huge issue in your life, even though your daughter lives out of state. My siblings and I are all overweight, but my parents, who don't get to see two of us often because we live in different cities, seem to be more concerned with how our careers are going, my grades, living situations- all the things we discuss via phone.
I have a grandma that routinely asks why her granddaughters' *kitten* are in another zipcode. She's not very helpful. Talking with her makes me want to lock myself in the bathroom and eat cake, even as an adult.
Maybe instead of trying to change an adult's behavior through criticism you should build a stronger relationship through sharing mutual interests and backgounds. It won't make her skinny, but it might make her hate weightloss less.0 -
Adding my voice to all the I others here. No matter how nice you think you're being when you talk to her about her weight, you're hurting her feelings. Your efforts might even backfire. This could really damage your relationship with her.
I completely agree with this. My dad has always felt the need to point out weight with all 3 of his daughters. It never had a positive impact. His "constructive comments" only made each of us feel worse. But he has always been a person who puts more emphasis on the negative things. I now see that it is directly due to his unhappiness with himself. With that said, my 2 sisters are still both overweight, and for me, it wasn't until I realized that I was the biggest role model for my own children, and I wasn't being such a great one, that I made the neccessary changes in my own life.
The truth is, when you are overweight, you don't need anyone else to point it out. You also don't need anyone to explain how you got like that. You know it. Focusing in on the positive things a person has going for them like, intelligence, creativity and compassion, will inspire. Reminding about negatives is rarely effective.
Just my thoughts. But like I said in my inital response, it's obvious the OP is well meaning and just wants to help her daughter. It's not always easy though.0 -
I feel like some of you are letting your personal experiences get too involved in this. It is unfortunate that your parents made you feel bad about your weight, but this may not be the case with OP. We don't know exactly how she is communicating with her daughter. It is her responsibility to point out if she thinks her daughter may be doing something dangerous and unhealthy.
With that being said; OP, that's just it. If your daughter knows how you feel and you have laid out in a very loving way your concern, you have done your part. It is your job to bring it to her attention that you are concerned for her health. You have done that.
Now it's time for you to step back and let her be a grown woman. She's in charge of her own body. When she is ready (and she may NEVER be), she will start. But ultimately, it's her decision to decide how she wants to live her life.0 -
Or maybe some girls in her age group that could tell me what they would want to hear from their mothers.
I'm a lot older than your daughter and I can tell you my answer now is the same it would be then. Shut up and leave her alone. She's an adult woman and doesnt need you to 'stay on top of her' about this. She knows she's fat, she knows she needs to deal with it. Let her handle it.
As I said I'm much older and I'm working hard and in the process of this weight loss and the most important step I took in my weight loss was learning to tell my mother to shut up about it and that I didn't need her riding me constantly (I did say it more kindly than that, this was just the gist). She's still my mom and she still ASKS how it's going and for the first time I can be honest and tell her if it's not going well because now she understands that her 'help' isn't helpful. It feels judgmental to me.
This isn't something you can do FOR her. Leave her alone and instead of 'staying on top of her' about her weight just keep reminding her that you love her and stop mentioning her weight.0 -
family is often why people and a lot of little girls begin that awful road to eating disorders and poor body image.
It sometimes starts out with good intentions, but it never feels that way to the one on the receiving end.
Sorry you're worried about your daughter, I hope that she can go down the path of a better lifestyle, but there isn't too much you can do, she is an adult. You'll likely just pushy her away. Good luck OP.0 -
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OP...i have a task for you.
I want you to go through this thread.
I want you to count just how many people in this thread ALONE said that their parents, even just telling them that they wanted them healthy, made it harder for them. Made it emotional for them...and most of all...
made them feel that they weren't good enough or were failing.
I also want you to go through this thread and count how many people in THIS THREAD ALONE said that they needed to be ready to do this for it to stick.
Then lastly, I want you to go through this thread...and count how many people feel that you "staying on top of it" is going to work.
I think...given the historical data that you have...you have a good idea of how this will likely turn out.
As a person that struggled with her weight all her life...and watched my mom struggle with hers...and had my mom riding me about my weight....
it made things worse. It made things hard...and it made me feel like I wasn't good enough or worthless....and it took me a VERY LONG time to understand that she just didn't want me to suffer, or be teased...or miss out on opportunities because of my weight...
she cared and she loved me...but that's not what I heard at the time....
I heard "you aren't good enough"
it took me 20 years to realise she was really saying "I love you."
is it worth it? really...is it?0 -
my mother was constantly harping on about my weight and the fear for me could make her quite nasty about it at times. all it would do is upset me, get my back up and i would end up eating more
i would be accused of eating things i shouldnt so i got to the point of well if im going to be accused i might as well just bleeding well eat it0 -
WOW... this is exactly why I don't post in forums.... You people are forgetting that she is her MOTHER and was just asking to see if any other mother is going through this.... All she wants is the best for her daughter, who the hell wouldn't??? You lot make out that she has been pestering her daughter. All she said is that she "encouraged" her daughter to join MFP... Jeez, if my mum said that to me, I wouldn't have a breakdown, I would actually thank her for her advice.
"I lost weight trying this, you should try it. I lost weight trying that, you should try it. I did this and you should do that." That is the "encouragement" that the daughter is receiving. Encouragement isn't saying, "You're fat, and although I won't say the words 'you're fat', I will consistently point out this weight loss program or that weight loss solution until you conform to the way I want you to be for your health and happiness."
Good intentions or no, doesn't matter. You can't fix anyone until they want to be fixed. It doesn't matter if they are bad with money, always in trouble with the law, overweight, addicted to drugs...it doesn't matter. There has to be a point in the person's life when they realize that they want to change and they want to change for themselves and not because someone else wants them to change.0 -
Nope, you're right. She's 50lbs overweight, like you said (obviously she SHOULD be around 235lbs in an ideal world, and a mother wanting to try and help her daughter realise that what she's doing is dangerous is completely unreasonable. You've convinced me.
As has been stated so many times in this thread it's ridiculous, "a mother wanting to try and help her daughter" comes off as hurtful when it comes to weight. Even though I'm not a woman I felt the same way when my mother "was just trying to help."
When a husband suggests to his wife that she lose weight how does she handle it?
How about if I told you right now you look like you could stand to drop a few? You gonna thank me?
Nobody wants to hear that they need to lose weight. We all know how we look, it's not like the thought simply never occurred to anyone. Hearing it from someone else just makes you feel bad about yourself. Hearing it from the people closest to you, who are supposed to love and support you, hurts in ways that can cause real emotional damage.
I'm not picking holes here mate, but from the original post, it didn't sound like she was coming at this this from the angle of how her daughter looks. So I don't think she deserved every MFP member's story of how a concerned parent f**cked up their life. It's only my opinion.0 -
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This has to be her decision. The only motivation that matters will come from her.0
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It's really difficult for me to get past this sentence.She lives in a different state then I do so it is really hard sometimes to get on top of her about this.0 -
I'm not picking holes here mate, but from the original post, it didn't sound like she was coming at this this from the angle of how her daughter looks. So I don't think she deserved every MFP member's story of how a concerned parent f**cked up their life. It's only my opinion.
Why?
Because if the OP had to hear a bunch of criticism about something so personal to her it would hurt her feelings?
Gee I wonder if there's anyone who could relate to that feeling...
+ 1
It also doesn't matter if the OP is directing it towards the way her daughter looks. There is a very good chance that, regardless of phrasing, that is how her daughter takes it.0 -
I don't think you're a bad mom. But if you try to get her to join MFP, you're telling her to lose weight. You might not say "OMG you're gross and you might break my furniture by sitting on it!" but inviting someone to use a calorie counting website definitely means you want them to count calories to the affect of losing weight. Does this make you a bad parent? Not really, but the rules for dealing with people aren't waived just because she's your daughter. You can't change a 26-year-old coworker's behavior by telling them to join MFP, you won't change your 26-year-old daughter's behavior the same way.leave her alone her body is not your business she is a grown women
you have probably contributed to her feeling like massive **** about her self too btw ..so you really need to stop & be supportive of how and who she is NOW
she is okay and loved and perfect just the way she is good looorddd
I know that by asking for advice in a public forum that I should be prepared for the good and the bad, however this is a little harsh don't you think? Especially knowing none of the details about the kind of relationship I have with my daughter. You make it sound like I called her a fat pig to her face. I have NEVER told her she needs to lose weight. Thank you for making me feel like a piece of **** mother.
Please be concerned, but also know that how another person perceives your words may be very different than how you intend them to be perceived. My father will ask every time I come home from college what I'm majoring in. He says "What's your major, again?" What I hear is "Your goals are kind of stupid and they don't take up enough of my gray matter for me to remember them." Of course I'm projecting! But it doesn't matter, because at the end of the day his words- and my perception of their meaning- hurt my feelings and leave a negative impression that cannot be erased.0 -
+1
This is a valuable lesson to you.
Did the person call you a piece of **** mother?
No. That's what you took from the advice.
So when you tell your daughter, "honey you could stand to be a bit healthier" (or however you put it) she hears, "I'm disgusted by my fat daughter."
You have to let her make her own choices for herself. All you can do is love her unconditionally and be there to support her. That's it.
Patronising, unhelpful and not true.
^ Actually, sadly, very true!!! And it's not at all to put you down OP! My mom has always tried to "encourage" me to get healthier. I now believe that I didn't hear the ACTUAL words she was saying, just the very worst of the worst, and letting it fester in my head it got EVEN worse!
I knew I was over weight! I knew that it wasn't good for me, and I wasn't healthy, but ever time my mom sat me down to encourage me to make changes it fueled my resentment, and I wound up eating more, and more and more....
It was after I finally had the courage to tell her that I no longer want to discuss my weight issues, diets I could try, etc, and she HEARD me, and left it alone that I seemed to figure it out. Sucks that I was 362 lbs when that day came though.....
She'll be okay. You'll be okay. I know that you love her, and only want what's best for your family.
Good luck to you, and to her 0 -
Sorry to tell you this, but it has to come from her, or it will never work.
1000% This.
I've been overweight since junior high/high school. I've always known I needed to lose weight. I never did anything about it though, because I just wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to take on all of the mental and physical implications from losing weight. I wasn't ready to do the research of how to successfully lose weight without all of those over the counter gimmicks. Losing weight, or starting at the beginning of a "weight loss journey" is incredibly daunting and overwhelming.
Parental nagging/addressing of issues just makes you want to go the opposite way, no matter what age you are. She'll feel disheartened and turn to food because she doesn't feel good enough, or worthy enough. Food will "comfort" her, and in turn just add to the problem.
Stand back, accept her how she is, offer support for when she's ready and let her be her own person. If she wants it badly enough, believe me, she'll do whatever it takes to start. But that won't happen until she's ready.0 -
WOW... this is exactly why I don't post in forums.... You people are forgetting that she is her MOTHER and was just asking to see if any other mother is going through this.... All she wants is the best for her daughter, who the hell wouldn't??? You lot make out that she has been pestering her daughter. All she said is that she "encouraged" her daughter to join MFP... Jeez, if my mum said that to me, I wouldn't have a breakdown, I would actually thank her for her advice.
Thank you!0 -
Unfortunately, it has to be her decision. I am speaking from experience here. I was the overweight daughter. By the time I turned 29, I had ballooned to 459 pounds. Then, last year, my life changed. There was no "defining momet" or anything - but I made the decision to change. Prior to this, I had done Jenny Craig, WW, Nutrisystem, Atkins, Paleo, etc. - you name it, I tried it. I couldn't make anything stick. I had no willpower or desire to change. Now, I'm 30 years old, and weigh less than I did in middle school. I don't know if you think this will help, but here's the link to my blog - it's been my journal of sorts - maybe she could identify with some of the emotions? Also, I'm always available via email (ashlwar84@gmail.com) if she ever has any questions or anything.
http://confessions-of-a-carb-o-holic.blogspot.com/2013/05/new-beginnings.html0 -
Ironically, I'm going through the same thing you are, but backwards. My mother is overweight and refuses to acknowledge it or do anything about it. But, like everyone is saying, it will have to come to her on her own time.0
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just let her do her own thing...0
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Whoah this thread makes me appreciate my parents so much more, because I feel like the quite harsh responses from some people are influenced by having parents who made negative comments about their weight.
Fortunately my own parents very VERY rarely made comments about my weight (even though I was always overweight/obese growing up) and they never made me feel less than an amazing person. They tried to get me to be more active/eat healthier but they never forced it on me (which I believe would have made me resent it).
And then when I finally did decide to lose weight it was triggered by my dad joining and diligently going to the gym!
So I agree with pretty much everyone, though I understand how difficult it must be and that you are worried about her. Just show her love and kindness and focus on setting an example. If she is going to change it needs to come from her.0 -
Wow, way to go guys, let's ream the woman out for being worried about her daughter. Good job there are so many experts in here.
And for the people that are describing her as 'perfect' and 'fine just the way she is' Get a grip. She's very overweight, and at risk of all the health problems come along with that. You can't understand why the woman feels the need to address that with her daughter?
What do you think her doctor should do when she goes? Should her Doctor just let her be too? I'm sure she'll be a regular before long....high blood pressure, blocked arteries, coronary heart disease.
Well done MFP. Another win.
She wasn't reamed, she got a whole bunch of good advice from people who probably grew up with weight issues.
If you know a way to make other people lose weight, by all means, share it. It didn't work when my mother tried. And she tried a lot. To the point where even now when she's proud of me for losing weight I get so angry I want to binge eat and gain it back.
The reason everyone here thinks pressuring her daughter won't work is because it won't.
Agreed.
I understand if OP was looking for support but asked for advice thinking it would be the same answer, but unfortunately it is not.
People react to parental pressure in different ways, but it seems like the majority of people who have weight problems and have had it pointed out by their parents for years have found it extremely unhelpful and even psychologically harmful.0 -
WOW... this is exactly why I don't post in forums.... You people are forgetting that she is her MOTHER and was just asking to see if any other mother is going through this.... All she wants is the best for her daughter, who the hell wouldn't??? You lot make out that she has been pestering her daughter. All she said is that she "encouraged" her daughter to join MFP... Jeez, if my mum said that to me, I wouldn't have a breakdown, I would actually thank her for her advice.
Thank you!
Nobody is accusing you of not wanting the best for your daughter, not being concerned for her, or anything else. Understood that you are a concerned mother. People just want you to realize that perhaps your daughter's perception is different, and speaking the truth that unless and until SHE is ready to do something about her weight, then nothing is going to happen. Even well meaning encouragement could actually hinder her getting to that point.0 -
leave her alone her body is not your business she is a grown women
you have probably contributed to her feeling like massive **** about her self too btw ..so you really need to stop & be supportive of how and who she is NOW
she is okay and loved and perfect just the way she is good looorddd
Though I agree that you need to be supportive of your daughter, it's not like she is just slightly overweight and needs encouragement and told she is fine just the way she is. These are not "vanity pounds" or a "You'd be prettier if you were thinner" scenario. She is, by definition, obese at that weight and height. I'd voice your concern one final time about how her lifestyle scares you and you are worried about her heart and overall health and want to see her fulfill all of her dreams. Then leave it at that. If she comes around and does it on her own terms, then that is awesome but if not, you cannot feel responsible, at least you tired.0 -
I can tell you from experience that you should never push her to lose. I have a close relationship to my mom. She has always been healthy and active, but I have been overweight basically my whole adult life and half of my teenage years.
It am 37 now, but finally taking charge of my health, and the remarks that had anything to do with my weight, getting healthier, what I was eating, and so on, no matter how much were meant to help, did not help. They made me feel bad about myself and angry at her and almost always led to emotional eating.
I get it. You want her to be healthy, and deep down I know that anything my mom said to me was because she cares about me and my health. It took me a lot longer than I hoped to do what I needed to do to make myself healthier. She, hopefully, will one day make changes that will help her become a healthier person.
P.S. A few years ago I got into an emotional discussion/mild argument about how her comments didn't help me. We live an hour & a half away from each other and talk every day. After that incident I refused her calls for about a month, unfortunately. When things were back to normal she never made another comment again. You have no idea how awesome it has been. I no longer worried about when some comment would come out of her mouth, even if it wasn't going to in that visit, but it was always on my mind while with her.
Now that I am losing weight the only thing she's said is "your looking healthier" and similar things without going overboard. Just love her for who she is and hopefully she'll take the steps necessary to become a healthier person.
Good luck.0
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