Overweight daughter

Did you actually post a picture of her with you as your profile picture? Did she give permission for that?

Not that that is relevant but no and no.

It would definitely be relevant if you told us all about your daughter's weight problem and included a picture, while she obviously doesn't want to be on MFP.

If you read her profile you will realize that is not her daughter in the picture

Good information. But do you read every poster's profile?

No just the ones that interest me Here I'll open mine :laugh:

WOW... this is exactly why I don't post in forums.... You people are forgetting that she is her MOTHER and was just asking to see if any other mother is going through this.... All she wants is the best for her daughter, who the hell wouldn't??? You lot make out that she has been pestering her daughter. All she said is that she "encouraged" her daughter to join MFP... Jeez, if my mum said that to me, I wouldn't have a breakdown, I would actually thank her for her advice.

Actually . . . that is untrue. She also said that because her daughter lives in a different state, it is difficult to "stay on her", about this. She asked for feedback from other moms who are going through similar struggles with their own daughters. I am one such mom. Which is why I commented.

I can't speak for anyone else who commented, but I know that I did in fact point out that is was clear that she was well meaning. It was quite obvious actually. But, it still doesn't mean that all of us who suggested that she back off, are wrong. Or that we were wrong to offer our honest opinions and thoughts. We were after all asked for them.

Look, it's usually not that difficult to find people who will tell you what you want to hear. But finding folks who will give it to you straight, is not always so easy. I think the general consensus here is that it might be wise for the OP to back off a bit and give her daughter some room to figure this all out on her own.

Thank you everyone for your responses. The good, the bad and the ugly.

Props to you OP! As I mentioned in my first response . . . I am also the mother of a daughter, who happens to be overweight. I truly understand how difficult this is. I, like you, only want the best for my daughter, because my love for her is infinite. But, I saw my eldest sister develop an eating disprder as the result of the way our father, addressed her weight issues. I know how he made me feel too. So, my comments were truly based on my own experiences as a daughter and a mother of a daughter.

Good luck to both you and your daughter.

ok, so clearly you have gotten a lot of replies already, but i just wanted to share my perspective from the daughter's point of view. I went 3 seperate times to WW with my mom. Partially for her and partially for me. After a while we both gave up with showing up and the weight not coming off anymore (and frankly some of the people there were just annoying and pissing me off). I finally took the initiative to go and do something else about my weight and have lost 25 pounds (for now). I did not have my mom by my side this time, but she checks up on me and supports me. Just be there for her when she makes that choice. At some point something will happen and it will click for her that something needs to be done. Support her and check up on her and if she quits, support her the next time. We know that our moms want the best for us, but we aren't in high school anymore and we can (and should) do this ourselves.
If you can't help yourself though , encourage her to do small things like a walk or a group fitness class, don't rag her about her diet.

leave her alone her body is not your business she is a grown women

you have probably contributed to her feeling like massive **** about her self too btw ..so you really need to stop & be supportive of how and who she is NOW

she is okay and loved and perfect just the way she is good looorddd

I know that by asking for advice in a public forum that I should be prepared for the good and the bad, however this is a little harsh don't you think? Especially knowing none of the details about the kind of relationship I have with my daughter. You make it sound like I called her a fat pig to her face. I have NEVER told her she needs to lose weight. Thank you for making me feel like a piece of **** mother.

This is a valuable lesson to you.

Did the person call you a piece of **** mother?

No. That's what you took from the advice.

So when you tell your daughter, "honey you could stand to be a bit healthier" (or however you put it) she hears, "I'm disgusted by my fat daughter."

You have to let her make her own choices for herself. All you can do is love her unconditionally and be there to support her. That's it.

This ^^^^^^^^^ is friggin' brilliant. It might be the best piece of logic I've ever read on this site. Yes, yes, yes! [/braingasm]

When I was younger I was fit, healthy, and thin, so I never had these moments with my parents. I did, however, watch as my younger sister (now 27) dealt with it and continues to deal with it. My dad would make semi-joking comments like "don't eat that or you'll end up as big as a house" or "I think you've had enough" if she reached for seconds. My mom, on the other hand, would say things directed to how big she'd gotten and how she needed to lose weight. She didn't ever say them in mean ways, but it didn't matter. The reaction my parents wanted was for her to start eating better and exercising. The ACTUAL outcome was a stubborness that stemmed from a thought - "Oh, you think I'll be big as a house if I eat that? Well, watch this. I'll show you how big I can get." It was sad and heart-wrenching to watch because I wanted fantastic things for my sister. I also knew that no amount of force was going to make her change until she was ready (just like so many other have mentioned already).

Recently she made up her mind that she was tired of it all and has started really working hard to move more and eat healthily. When she first began, her doctor put her on a limited diet (to rule out allergies and such that may affect her weight) and she was completely overwhelmed. We talked about what she was being asked to do and searched for healthy recipes that fit the guidelines she was following. I told her she could ask me questions or talk to me or rant at me or tell me I needed to help her when she was faced with a hard temptation. I would be there for her in any way she needed me to be.

Since January she has lost over 20 pounds.

When she first began, she found out that they were coming out with butterfinger peanut butter cups - two of her favorites candy bars. She texted me about it and how she wanted one. I told her not to get one; not because I didn't think she should have one, but because I was proud of her for being so good with her diet so far and it encouraged me to continue being good on mine. I also told her that I wanted her to be proud of herself for resisting the temptation to have the candy. She left the store without one and I posted on facebook that I was proud of my little sister. I left no other information in my post, just that I was proud of her.

I guess my point is that when your daughter is ready, she will attack this whole thing full force and not much will stop her. Be proud of her. Be proud of her now, during her journey, and when she reaches her ultimate goal. And don't just be proud, tell her you're proud of her. Announce it! Celebrate her accomplishments, no matter how big or small. So many people are focused on that big final goal that they forget that a pound lost is a big deal too and sometimes leaving the store without buying a piece of candy is monumental. And finally, when she does lose weight, don't say things like "Great! Now imagine how much better you'll feel when you've lose another 5!" You may think that's encouraging, but to her (like my sister) it may seem belittling and like her accomplishments don't mean anything.

Love her as she is. Stop putting pressure on her to lose weight, I know it's because you care about her, but even with the best of intentions, it's likely not coming across as such. I was an overweight teen, and my ex.step-mother and Father kept pushing me to lose weight all the time and all it did was destroy my self-confidence and instill issues with food that I still struggle with now.

Looking back of course I know they were worried about my health but all it did was make me feel not good enough for them, like a disappointment and a failure(Though my relationship with both those people were unstable borderline abusive-them towards me) but they really pushed me into a really unhealthy mindset. They made me afraid to eat for fear of being a failure.

Thankfully my Mother(who I lived with during the week) was the opposite, left me alone mostly, and cooked me good meals and never really said a word either way. Though that's not very good either, as she never really taught me how to eat right, or about portions.

Now please, do not get me wrong. I'm not saying you shouldn't worry, but please don't pressure her, I'm just speaking from experience from my own past, though neither of my parents were in the right in way of teaching about food, as my ex-Step-mother was constantly jumping from one diet to another and trying to pull me with her(From ages 3-15), while my Mother ate anything and everything whenever she wanted.
and even after my step-mother and father divorced, and he stopped pushing me, her words and the fears she pushed onto me still stick with me, and in part to that, I suffer still. 6 years later since I last saw her, her words haunt me.

Please, please, please just love and accept her as she is. And show it. Call her beautiful every chance you get, let her know she's good enough, and always will be no matter what. Do stuff together, take her out and do things she enjoys, and I know, sometimes little comments sneak in, but try to not let them(My Mother has recently become VERY body-shaming of everyone 'big' or 'small'. and it hurts, and though she believes them meaningless comments, are very hurtful)
Your body is not what makes you beautiful, remember this. Because what good is a beautiful body, if the soul and spirit that makes you-you, is destroyed?

OP - to your original post, I am the overweight daughter and have been since I was 8. I feel incredibly fortunate to have a wonderful mother who has only ever supported me in all my endeavours.

Her approach to my weight was one of those suggested by multiple posts already. She left me to it. She trusted me to make my own decisions in life because she had faith in my ability to understand the consequences. If you have educated your daughter on what is healthy and what isn't as she was growing up, then she knows what she has to do. But her motivation will come from within.

My mum never pressured me, never teased, never nagged. Yet she has been my biggest cheerleader on this weight loss journey. I can't wait to tell her how much I've lost or what delicious and healthy dinner I have planned. She set a good example for me and raised me to understand that actions have consequences. She had faith in me, and maybe that's all your daughter needs.

This made me call my mum and thank her (I cried) for not doing this to me. When I wanted her help, I always brought her MY plan for change and asked her to do what she could or what I needed (drive me to the gym, help me cook, buy different groceries.) She is the greatest, and never once pushed me (well, maybe one time, but she learned!)

WOW... this is exactly why I don't post in forums.... You people are forgetting that she is her MOTHER and was just asking to see if any other mother is going through this.... All she wants is the best for her daughter, who the hell wouldn't??? You lot make out that she has been pestering her daughter. All she said is that she "encouraged" her daughter to join MFP... Jeez, if my mum said that to me, I wouldn't have a breakdown, I would actually thank her for her advice.

Thank you!

of COURSE this is the response you appreciate and reply to.

consistent MFP is consistent.

Keep reading. I posted a Thank you to EVERYONE!!!

Please, Skully hurt his brain just reading this far. Anymore and his nose will start bleeding.

(I figure at this point we can leave you be and just start bagging on him for funsies)

boy is this the truth.
i just got back to my desk because my nose DID start bleeding from all the words i was attempting to comprehend.
im feeling light-headed.

good luck OP!
i sincerely hope your daughter comes to the conclusion on her own to get healthy, and that you are able to team up with her and support her along her way to ultimate success. :drinker:

WOW... this is exactly why I don't post in forums.... You people are forgetting that she is her MOTHER and was just asking to see if any other mother is going through this.... All she wants is the best for her daughter, who the hell wouldn't??? You lot make out that she has been pestering her daughter. All she said is that she "encouraged" her daughter to join MFP... Jeez, if my mum said that to me, I wouldn't have a breakdown, I would actually thank her for her advice.

Thank you!

of COURSE this is the response you appreciate and reply to.

consistent MFP is consistent.

Struck me too. I don't think she really wanted advice. She wanted someone to tell her she was right.

I really think you should listen to the advice given to go through the thread and count the replies agreeing with you and the ones not. It's pretty heavily lopsided.

Also take note of something else. The tiny handful of people saying "She's just concerned for her daughter, she should say something, I'd appreciate my mother if she ever did that" seem to NOT have mothers who got on them about their weight. So the only people condoning this plan never actually went through it. I still haven't read one post that said "My mother got on me about my weight and it was a big help and I thank her for it."

So you can look for advice from people who've been there, or you can just look for posts agreeing with you. One will help you to learn and grow, the other is the same as looking in a mirror and telling yourself how pretty and smart you are.

I have to comment on this - while I agree with another poster who said that the OP is in a lose-lose situation.

i was always fat. When i was younger my parents would make comments that would try to be motivating. I either didn't care, got motivated for a few days, or took it the wrong way. They always kept me in sports but never changed the food in teh house. So I was always a big athlete - not the worst thing for a college softball player - obviously I would be no track star

However, after I had my daughter at the age of 21 my weight went from like 220-230 to 290...I'm 5'10". i went from being fat to huge. I looked disgusting. Everythin gabout me was different. Nobody said anything then.

I went back to my mom and said "why didn't you tell me I gained so much weight? I was always big I didn't even realize it until i looked at pictures."

SO yes, that does happen. Unfortunately you can't say anything to her to MAKE her want it but you can just be supportive if she brings it up. I do agree though, as well, with another poster who compared it to another disease or addict. Yes, obesity is a disease and a serious one at that. Most avoidable deaths can be prevented through maintaining a normal weight. Someone needs to let their child know they care about them and are worried. It's not about how someone looks, but as a parent you want only the best for your kids. It's just a touchy subject as to how to do this. Anyone who thinks that someone who is morbidly obese (as said daughter is) is not killing themselves slowly is fooled by something I'm not sure of. So yes, touchy subject and no good way to approach it, but seriously you guys, it's a huge deal!

My mom still makes comments about my weight - i'm 5 lbs overweight now. Her latest "helpful" comment after I have been diagnosed with ovarian cancer is "They found that being overweight is a probably cause for ovarian cancer." She was just trying to be helpful and I know that. It pissed me off a little but I know she loves me and she wanted me to know that (BTW the study she referred to was ridiculous, while it is true that weight can heighten your risk for multiple cancers - including ovarian it doesn't increase your risk by much).

I would suggest trying to do fun trips together or something that isn't related to health but you can sneak things in there - like walks. Make healhty meals at home that are still funw hen you guys visit each other. Just because it's healthy doesn't mean it's boring and you don't even need to tell her it's "healthy" as she could take that the wrong way.

Talk about her job, build up her confidence. In time she will see that she is worth fighting for!

good luck OP

My mom still makes comments about my weight - i'm 5 lbs overweight now. Her latest "helpful" comment after I have been diagnosed with ovarian cancer is "They found that being overweight is a probably cause for ovarian cancer." She was just trying to be helpful and I know that. It pissed me off a little but I know she loves me and she wanted me to know that (BTW the study she referred to was ridiculous, while it is true that weight can heighten your risk for multiple cancers - including ovarian it doesn't increase your risk by much).

I can't believe this. :noway: :flowerforyou:

I AM the "Overweight Daughter" referred in this post, and i just wanted to make clear that i never felt pressure or "nagged" by mother to lose weight only encouraged, i appreciate those of you who made kind remarks , and to those who think you know who i am and what i was thinking and how i was feeling , get off your high horses ,it just goes to show you my moms effort paid off , bc the night PRIOR to her blog i did actually join MFP (she was unaware) simply bc we had another conversation that >I< brought up .in my opinion any time is a good time as long as it was on my time! , im proud of my mothers success and if not for it i would not be doing it myself. love you mom :smooched:

I AM the "Overweight Daughter" referred in this post, and i just wanted to make clear that i never felt pressure or "nagged" by mother to lose weight only encouraged, i appreciate those of you who made kind remarks , and to those who think you know who i am and what i was thinking and how i was feeling , get off your high horses ,it just goes to show you my moms effort paid off , bc the night PRIOR to her blog i did actually join MFP (she was unaware) simply bc we had another conversation that >I< brought up .in my opinion any time is a good time as long as it was on my time! , im proud of my mothers success and if not for it i would not be doing it myself. love you mom :smooched:

I've said it before and I will say it until the day I die, I love you Baby girl and I am so proud of the woman you've become!

Argh! Where's the damn "like" button at?!?!?!?