Husband Is Mad I Am Fat
Replies
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Dont get me wrong but men very rarely understand the pain of running the household and think that is cake walk.My husband is very understanding regarding other matters but the only thing we fight about is the household chores,he simply says why can't I do it.I tried to drill it into his head that im already doing too much out of my capacity.
what helped what in a paper really write down your daily chores and times you spend in each and show it to him.Seeing it physically in paper can help getting the point across.
On a different note,you can try taking the stairs or cutting a few calories or a soda or make smart substitutions in your food to get the weight loss started and workout when you can.
I have been married for 51 years so I am talking about ancient history here. Once our kids were in school, I worked full time. I was also in charge of the kid and the housework. My husband cooked a lot. (That's why we've lasted half a century.) Still I remember being away on a work related conference and arriving home to find that DH had done the weekly house keeping tasks. (once in 50 years but I appreciated it.) When we sat down to debrief, he told me in total amazement that it had taken him 4, yes FOUR hours to vacuum, wet mop floors and clean the bathrooms. We'd been married 25 years at this time. He was astonished. He hadn't done any laundry because he didn't know how to work the washer. Ironing, of course, was out of the question. He hadn't stripped a bed because he didn't know how to make one but he had tried and he was truly surprised. I didn't rub it in....another reason we are still married.0 -
Dont get me wrong but men very rarely understand the pain of running the household and think that is cake walk.My husband is very understanding regarding other matters but the only thing we fight about is the household chores,he simply says why can't I do it.I tried to drill it into his head that im already doing too much out of my capacity.
what helped what in a paper really write down your daily chores and times you spend in each and show it to him.Seeing it physically in paper can help getting the point across.
On a different note,you can try taking the stairs or cutting a few calories or a soda or make smart substitutions in your food to get the weight loss started and workout when you can.
I have been married for 51 years so I am talking about ancient history here. Once our kids were in school, I worked full time. I was also in charge of the kid and the housework. My husband cooked a lot. (That's why we've lasted half a century.) Still I remember being away on a work related conference and arriving home to find that DH had done the weekly house keeping tasks. (once in 50 years but I appreciated it.) When we sat down to debrief, he told me in total amazement that it had taken him 4, yes FOUR hours to vacuum, wet mop floors and clean the bathrooms. We'd been married 25 years at this time. He was astonished. He hadn't done any laundry because he didn't know how to work the washer. Ironing, of course, was out of the question. He hadn't stripped a bed because he didn't know how to make one but he had tried and he was truly surprised. I didn't rub it in....another reason we are still married.
It's amazing how much gender roles have changed with newer generations. I would never put up with this, but I remember my mother doing exactly the same thing. She did all the cooking, cleaning, and most of the child rearing before my father died, so she was well-prepared for doing it all alone afterward.
It saddens me that women are still expected to do it all, while maintaining perfect hair and manicured nails.
But for the OP, those are all things that you'll have to work out with your husband over time, and perhaps with counseling. The place to start, right now, tonight, is to know that what he said to you was about him, not you. There are things going on in his head, and the way he's dealing with them is to put himself above you in whatever way presented itself...in this instance, your weight.
I know that in the process of venting on this forum you've probably given a biased picture of what's going on, but from the sound of it you guys do have some things to work out. Try to do so with as much empathy and humor as possible. Try to get at not just what he's saying, but why he's saying it. It may not be as clear-cut as it seems.0 -
You have two separate issues:
1) Him not helping enough with the kids , job or whatever, so the biggest burden falls on you. This has nothing to do with your weight or health, it has to do with whether this marriage is "fair" and how this makes you feel. And you need to solve this regardless of whatever else happens in your life as a couple.
2) Even if this is not what most people in your place want to hear, appearance matters. I do not mean th extra 10 kilos or the stretchmarks or the normal age changes. But, when he met you, you looked a certain way, and this is what made him attracted to you. If this has dramatically changed, not because of age or health issues beyond your control, and e.g you have doubled in size and seem to not care about it, it is not fair to expect him to ignore how you look. He might still love you, but he cannot force himself to like you. It is more honest and better for your marriage for him to tell you how he feels, so you have a chance to decide if you care or not, than him e.g. just pack his bag and leave without even telling you why or him resenting your looks in silence.
And before someone says how everybody changes with age, based on your posts and profile, you have gone from a supermodel body to someone who needs to lose about 200 lbs and you are only 30. This is not the same as your husband complaining you have no longer a flat tummy, or a bikini body. You are a different person.0 -
Sick. Dracarys!0
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Going from supermodel to 200 pounds overweight isn't even a tiny bit fair to him. Of course he is lashing out about it. That is a HUGE amount of weight to gain and expect him to be happy with. You have completely let yourself go. I would be mad too if I were him. I'm not trying to be mean, just honest.0
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My husband doesn't need to tell me that I am fat, I know that I am fat. I would get very mad if he would insult me in anger. Mine hints here and there but never throws it at me in anger or to hurt me. He wouldn't have a nice life if he did...
I don't know your husband, did he change suddenly, or was he always unsatisfied with whatever it is he is telling you now?
There are a million reason why he is behaving like this. If it is a sudden change, I would be very wary is all I can say.
One more thing... If your children are 7 or older, it is time to do some chores! start with small stuff
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Hi all, I dont normally post on here, but felt I had to for this one as I was in exact same situation almost 7 years ago.
My advice is, lose weight for yourself, get supermodel slim again, happy, even more beautiful that you are now, then..............
.......... dump him!0 -
A lot of this advice to dump him must be coming from younger people and esp. those without kids. Don't do that.
The other thing here is you've gained too much weight and first and foremost, your health is at risk. He has reason to be frustrated. You must do this for yourself though.
AND has he gained any weight since you two married?0 -
OK, so perhaps my comment earlier was a little cheeky, but it does rile me to see any man treating his wife this way. If you wash and cook for him, then perhaps one weekend after he comes home, drop the kids on him and go out for a walk, and dont do his washing/ironing or dont cook him any meals. When he complains, just say that you are making an effort to be more healthy, and if that is what he wants, that is how its going to have to be. Might make him think before making stupid comments like he has.0
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I don't really want to touch marital issues I don't feel like its my place but if you want to lose weight then portion control doesn't really take any time at all so if you are way to busy to do anything you can always still exercise portion control. If you are eating emotionally perhaps you could find a more healthy outlet (I know easier said than done).
The way you phrase this post it seems like this was recent pressure that your husband exerted on you but yet you joined MFP several months ago posting that you wanted to start losing weight. Does that mean you came to this initially on your own or at some point had decided to start regardless of weather or not you were getting pressure from your husband?0 -
I disagree with the advice for joint counselling. It is never recommended where one partner is abusive (and he is).0
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Going from supermodel to 200 pounds overweight isn't even a tiny bit fair to him. Of course he is lashing out about it. That is a HUGE amount of weight to gain and expect him to be happy with. You have completely let yourself go. I would be mad too if I were him. I'm not trying to be mean, just honest.
I have to agree. My fiancee has been riding me a bit for the fact that I let myself go in recent years (15% bodyfat to 28% bodyfat in 3 years) and I get what you are saying about the rebellious streak in you not wanting to give up to someone nagging but the fact of the matter is it IS important for my health and it IS NOT what she signed on for when she agreed to marry me. People who like to over-romanticize relationships acting like physical appearance has nothing to do with what it means to be a couple are not being very practical. Yeah, it matters...I admit that and I'm trying to get back to where I was both for her and to hold up my end of the deal and also for myself and my health.0 -
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You could get rid of 140 lbs plus in an instant!
PS I am married and I have 3 kids nearly grown up, and I have a full-time job.0 -
Sounds like something else is going on for him to only recently mention it or seem to care. Talk to him rather than us(venting is perfectly fine and understandable but the issue needs to be resolved between the two of you.)0
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The question you might want to ask yourself, and then him is "What was that all about?"
His attack on you makes me wonder what is really eating him.
There is an old saying, so old it might be new to you.
"If it's not your sh**, just duck."
This. And, since I'm always the one saying the hard stuff... Does it seem to someone else that this is only an excuse and maybe there's something (one) else?
Sorry Op, but being there, done that myself.0 -
I don't get why you are working 2 jobs and taking care of the house and kids? Do you have a bunch of expenses? Does he not make much money?
I don't think anyone here can solve your marital problems. Losing weight isn't going to make the household more fair to you because right now it isn't at all. Lose the weight for you and your health.0 -
The question you might want to ask yourself, and then him is "What was that all about?"
His attack on you makes me wonder what is really eating him.
There is an old saying, so old it might be new to you.
"If it's not your sh**, just duck."
This. And, since I'm always the one saying the hard stuff... Does it seem to someone else that this is only an excuse and maybe there's something (one) else?
Sorry Op, but being there, done that myself.
If my husband gained 200 lbs, me telling him I want him to change would not be an excuse. It would be honesty. And am middle aged, my husband is older than me, he is neither athletic nor thin, he is actually overweight and never looked like a model, and still 200 lbs would not be something I could compromise with, sorry. If it was for reasons beyond his control, or if I at least saw him try, I would be there supporting him. If I saw the weight keep increasing at a crazy rate and him ignoring it completely and just letting go, me telling me I hate it would not be because of any hidden motives, but reality: this would not be the person I fell in love with.0 -
The question you might want to ask yourself, and then him is "What was that all about?"
His attack on you makes me wonder what is really eating him.
There is an old saying, so old it might be new to you.
"If it's not your sh**, just duck."
This. And, since I'm always the one saying the hard stuff... Does it seem to someone else that this is only an excuse and maybe there's something (one) else?
Sorry Op, but being there, done that myself.
If my husband gained 200 lbs, me telling him I want him to change would not be an excuse. It would be honesty. And am middle aged, my husband is older than me, he is neither athletic nor thin, he is actually overweight and never looked like a model, and still 200 lbs would not be something I could compromise with, sorry. If it was for reasons beyond his control, or if I at least saw him try, I would be there supporting him. If I saw the weight keep increasing at a crazy rate and him ignoring it completely and just letting go, me telling me I hate it would not be because of any hidden motives, but reality: this would not be the person I fell in love with.
The Op said she is working two jobs and taking care of two kids (his kids) and the house and he is away from home 5 nights a week. If you didn't support your SO in everything just for this, you should ask yourself if you want a SO or a housemaid.0 -
My honest opinion.
It sounds like he is finding excuses to pin his unhappiness on you. Whatever it is that he is doing.0 -
The question you might want to ask yourself, and then him is "What was that all about?"
His attack on you makes me wonder what is really eating him.
There is an old saying, so old it might be new to you.
"If it's not your sh**, just duck."
This. And, since I'm always the one saying the hard stuff... Does it seem to someone else that this is only an excuse and maybe there's something (one) else?
Sorry Op, but being there, done that myself.
If my husband gained 200 lbs, me telling him I want him to change would not be an excuse. It would be honesty. And am middle aged, my husband is older than me, he is neither athletic nor thin, he is actually overweight and never looked like a model, and still 200 lbs would not be something I could compromise with, sorry. If it was for reasons beyond his control, or if I at least saw him try, I would be there supporting him. If I saw the weight keep increasing at a crazy rate and him ignoring it completely and just letting go, me telling me I hate it would not be because of any hidden motives, but reality: this would not be the person I fell in love with.
The Op said she is working two jobs and taking care of two kids (his kids) and the house and he is away from home 5 nights a week. If you didn't support your SO in everything just for this, you should ask yourself if you want a SO or a housemaid.
You seem to be reading a lot between the lines that was not included in a rather short forum post of a complete stranger. Exactly how do you know that the children are his children and not her children or their children? That was just an odd thing to emphasize considering I went back to her post and re-read it and she said nothing like that at all.
Perhaps, being MFP, we should focus on possible solutions to weight loss so that she can improve her health rather than try to make judgments on her marital life based solely on a paragraph long post posted out of anger/frustration.0 -
Best replyThe question you might want to ask yourself, and then him is "What was that all about?"
His attack on you makes me wonder what is really eating him.
There is an old saying, so old it might be new to you.
"If it's not your sh**, just duck."
There are 3 sides to every story - Your side; His side; and the Truth! Most of the time we only know our side. Sounds like you both are tired and stressed. My ex-husband went to the other extreme and didn't want me to lose weight. If I said I was dieting ...the local store would all of a sudden have a sale on my favorite candy bar and being the loving husband that he was he would pickup up a couple for me :devil: By the time all was said and done he was scared I would leave him for somebody else if I was slim and trim and didn't feel like he was living up to my expectations :frown: Now, many years after our divorce,:brokenheart: I understand that I wasn't the issue - he had his own issues I was just an outlet.
Be kind to yourself, think about some counseling for the whole family and decide what you want to do for yourself and do it!0 -
The question you might want to ask yourself, and then him is "What was that all about?"
His attack on you makes me wonder what is really eating him.
There is an old saying, so old it might be new to you.
"If it's not your sh**, just duck."
This. And, since I'm always the one saying the hard stuff... Does it seem to someone else that this is only an excuse and maybe there's something (one) else?
Sorry Op, but being there, done that myself.
If my husband gained 200 lbs, me telling him I want him to change would not be an excuse. It would be honesty. And am middle aged, my husband is older than me, he is neither athletic nor thin, he is actually overweight and never looked like a model, and still 200 lbs would not be something I could compromise with, sorry. If it was for reasons beyond his control, or if I at least saw him try, I would be there supporting him. If I saw the weight keep increasing at a crazy rate and him ignoring it completely and just letting go, me telling me I hate it would not be because of any hidden motives, but reality: this would not be the person I fell in love with.
The Op said she is working two jobs and taking care of two kids (his kids) and the house and he is away from home 5 nights a week. If you didn't support your SO in everything just for this, you should ask yourself if you want a SO or a housemaid.
Like I said, two different issues: he needs to start acting like a husband and support her, she needs to lose weight. These are not related to each other. If she is depressed because of him, then she needs to solve this problem, not make ignoring her looks and health a tool for "revenge". He cannot claim he is not helping around the home because she has gained weight, she cannot use him being lazy as an excuse to not lose weight.0 -
The question you might want to ask yourself, and then him is "What was that all about?"
His attack on you makes me wonder what is really eating him.
There is an old saying, so old it might be new to you.
"If it's not your sh**, just duck."
This. And, since I'm always the one saying the hard stuff... Does it seem to someone else that this is only an excuse and maybe there's something (one) else?
Sorry Op, but being there, done that myself.
If my husband gained 200 lbs, me telling him I want him to change would not be an excuse. It would be honesty. And am middle aged, my husband is older than me, he is neither athletic nor thin, he is actually overweight and never looked like a model, and still 200 lbs would not be something I could compromise with, sorry. If it was for reasons beyond his control, or if I at least saw him try, I would be there supporting him. If I saw the weight keep increasing at a crazy rate and him ignoring it completely and just letting go, me telling me I hate it would not be because of any hidden motives, but reality: this would not be the person I fell in love with.
The Op said she is working two jobs and taking care of two kids (his kids) and the house and he is away from home 5 nights a week. If you didn't support your SO in everything just for this, you should ask yourself if you want a SO or a housemaid.
You seem to be reading a lot between the lines that was not included in a rather short forum post of a complete stranger. Exactly how do you know that the children are his children and not her children or their children? That was just an odd thing to emphasize considering I went back to her post and re-read it and she said nothing like that at all.
Perhaps, being MFP, we should focus on possible solutions to weight loss so that she can improve her health rather than try to make judgments on her marital life.
First, she said they met 15 years ago, saying the kids are his kids is not a huge step.
Second, oh, so you are saying that if your SO have children from another relationship, you wouldn't support what they did for them? Nice.
Third. Losing weight because someone else says they don't like you, is not going to work, she should do it for herlself not for him. And you are considering only her body. What about her mind?0 -
What an *kitten*. Don't get discouraged, you know that you want to do it for you anyway, so do it! I would like to say though that you CAN lose weight regardless of how difficult, complicated, stressful, and busy life is. All it takes is eating less. If the moving more part is complicated for you at the moment just focus on portion control for now, you already have to eat so just make sure you eat less and that's all it takes.
Sorry you have to deal with that, and you guys should seek counseling for real.0 -
He doesn't believe it's possible, and doesn't believe in you. But it sounds to me like you don't either.
You just listed all the ways in which it is an incredibly hard task for you. You're right, they aren't excuses, they are facts and they can be barriers. Every single one of us has barriers. The first step is identifying your barriers, as you have done! Then you need to sit down with a pen and paper and think about ways in which you CAN work around your lifestyle/kids/jobs/partner.
Even if you're too busy or don't feel like exercising after all that work, in your hands is a lot of power with how you eat. That is where I would start. Where could you improve? What can you cook to feed everyone that is also healthy?
I think it IS possible, and you need to do it for you! believe in yourself.
You can take up your frustration and anger, and do it to prove him the hell wrong! if you're consistent and share results, maybe he might start believing and get on board with it.
This is NOT having a go at you, but in my opinion my own partner doesn't believe in me reaching my goal weight either, and I think part of that is that I've never given him much reason to believe I can do it.
Maybe you just have to grab that and show him.0 -
Although he sounds like in not a very good position to comment, the quote about using busy schedule and feeding kids.... that is right. Only you are putting food into your body....0
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You need time for you to be YOU, not a mother, not a wife just time out maybe once or twice a week to just do something to make you happy, whether it is just an hour's peace to read a book or go for a walk something that is just for you to relax.
Do you not have a close friend or family member who could maybe babysit for you for a couple of hours each week, just to help you out.
I work 2 jobs and have no children or husband so I can imagine how much more work this is to deal with.
It sounds like your husband isn't at home enough to realise how much work goes into looking after 2 children, I visited my friend who's husband was working away and I was amazed at the constant conveyor belt of chores to do with 2 small children at home, the washing machine was on constantly, she was up anywhere from 5am and until 7pm at night she didn't start to relax. When I pointed out to her how much work she did, she replied, "can you please tell my husband that because he doesn't see it!!"
Does your husband ever look after the children when he is home? Perhaps if he spends a day in your shoes so to speak he might realise just how much hard work children are 24/7.
Good luck and hope you get some time to yourself x0 -
wow, you need some you time... my hubs said that crap to me once and it has haunted him since....0
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Hi Jasmine,
I agree with the other comments. I don't know your relationship with your husband and it's not my place to give my opinion. However, you need to live for yourself a little bit. Screw what he thinks about your weight. I wanted to share that I started Focus T 25 yesterday and it's just 25 minutes per day. I guess you could give it a try if you want to loose weight and get back in shape.
Good luck in your journey and keep in mind that with everything you do around the house and for your kids, you deserve a happy life (starting with loving yourself)!0
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