Husband Is Mad I Am Fat

Folks, FYI, there is such thing as abusive spouses. I don't know this guy, so I can't say. But no man, woman, or child deserves to be put down, called names, or made to feel like they are less of a person simply because they are carrying some extra weight.

That being said, If she wants to lose weight, she should do it for HER, not for HIM.

I was raised by an abusive mother. What he said is him speaking his mind and feelings to his wife.

This is not abuse.

Folks, FYI, there is such thing as abusive spouses. I don't know this guy, so I can't say. But no man, woman, or child deserves to be put down, called names, or made to feel like they are less of a person simply because they are carrying some extra weight.

That being said, If she wants to lose weight, she should do it for HER, not for HIM.

I was raised by an abusive mother. What he said is him speaking his mind and feelings to his wife.

This is not abuse.

I'm not sure anyone could really determine whether the comments were abusive or not from the OP.

What a prick, talk with him divide the chores, ask him to do the chores see how long it takes him, find time for yourself even if it's just to make you feel better. When you look smoking hot if he still insults you leave the ignorant ****er. Good luck dealing with this, I have a very lazy partner too, I feel your pain.

Meanwhile, OP can whine and complain to internet strangers at midnight but can't be bothered to exercise, meal plan/prepare, etc at this time instead?

Sounds like she's projecting her fail onto him.

Who's really "lazy" here?

What a prick, talk with him divide the chores, ask him to do the chores see how long it takes him, find time for yourself even if it's just to make you feel better. When you look smoking hot if he still insults you leave the ignorant ****er. Good luck dealing with this, I have a very lazy partner too, I feel your pain.

Meanwhile, OP can whine and complain to internet strangers at midnight but can't be bothered to exercise, meal plan/prepare, etc at this time instead?

Sounds like she's projecting her fail onto him.

Who's really "lazy" here?

High 5!!!

If this is the full story and an honest portrayal then I think it may be time to considered counseling and if he refuses figure out how to leave him. No one needs to be talked to like that. Sad part is that him speaking to you in such a way will only make you depress and more likely to over eat. If you can't get his compassion to come out then you have to love yourself enough to know you deserve better.

Thanks for the empathy. Wow.

Nothing to see here folks.

Thanks for the empathy. Wow.

Empathy is not going to solve your problem OP.

Looks like it's time for a divorce.

If the OP believes that her weight is impacting on their life together, then it's her decision whether or not to do something about it, and to what degree that is important to fixing their marriage. She's the only person who can make that call, and it will only work if she believes it will help and is sufficiently important to her.

She is not the only one who can make this call. He is too. And it is more honest for him to say what he does not like, than just walk away. Same as she should confront him about the things she hates and demand solutions, instead of just walking away or giving up. There is no way one spouse gaining 200 lbs is not affecting a marriage, it is not a minor detail, regardless of the gender of the person. Same as him not contributing enough in the house, if this is true, is not a detail. This is not about a little belly or a new haircut.

#1. I would also like to know why you are working 2 jobs and he is working a job that requires him to be gone all the time. I would not be okay with my husband being gone unless it put us into a significantly better financial position than a local job would. I understand the "two income trap" but 3? Maybe sit down and look at the budget and see where you can cut things. Sure maybe, some things can't be changed (too big of a mortgage payment and can't sell) but maybe somethings can, refinance, cut your cell phone bill, reduce spending, etc. I would encourage him to look for a job that did NOT involve travel. A husband and father should help with the family duties.

#2. I'd suggest some marriage counseling. He doesn't sound like he treats you with respect and love (but again we are only hearing your side) and as I mentioned earlier he should be more of a partner than it sounds like he is. You've been together 15 years and have children. I would at least try to work on things before moving on.

#3. It appears that you have 187lbs to lose. This is not vanity weight. This is a serious health concern. The first step to losing weight is a calorie deficit. This is actually easy to accomplish when you are busy and trying to save money. You could theoretically lose every thing you need with calorie deficits alone, but of course it'd be better for your health to work in some fitness and activity. This can be as simple as going for walks with your kids, or taking the stairs at work. Also if you budge allows a gym with a daycare is a life saver when you have children.

#4. Yes, I do believe that married people do owe a bit to their spouse to maintain a certain level of attractiveness and health. It's just part of caring for the other person. No, I'm not going to let him pick out my clothing or hairstyle but I'm not going to "let myself go" either.

If the OP believes that her weight is impacting on their life together, then it's her decision whether or not to do something about it, and to what degree that is important to fixing their marriage. She's the only person who can make that call, and it will only work if she believes it will help and is sufficiently important to her.

She is not the only one who can make this call. He is too. And it is more honest for him to say what he does not like, than just walk away. Same as she should confront him about the things she hates and demand solutions, instead of just walking away or giving up. There is no way one spouse gaining 200 lbs is not affecting a marriage, it is not a minor detail, regardless of the gender of the person. Same as him not contributing enough in the house, if this is true, is not a detail. This is not about a little belly or a new haircut.

She's the only person who can decide how important it is to her to change, and how likely that change is, to her, to alter the state of her marriage, which seems to be on pretty thin ice to start with, as described here. He can certainly have his feelings on the subject, as could she, if the situation were reversed, but as is frequently stated on this thread, weight loss usually only works if you do it for yourself...doing it for someone else, not so much. Hope that clarifies my meaning.

Life is too short to surround yourself with such negativity. His job is to support you and build you up, not bring you down. It sounds like your husband has his own issues and lashing out at you makes him feel better about himself.

If I were you, I would take stock of my life and what I want out of it. I would also have a very frank "come to Jesus" meeting with my husband. "If you are not with us, you are against us." It's not your job alone to do everything..

It is so vital that you do take time for yourself! Next time he is sitting on his butt watching tv, grab your purse and say "See you in a couple of hours, I am going out for some me time."

Jaw dropping at the number of women agreeing with the person who posted that the OP shouldn't 'rebel' but just lose weight as not doing so wasn't 'fair' to her husband because "men are visual creatures"... Um, no. There's that little line in marriage vows about 'for better, for worse' - that doesn't come with the disclaimer "unless you get, like, fat, or cut your hair, or something changes about your appearance that I don't like".

If the OP believes that her weight is impacting on their life together, then it's her decision whether or not to do something about it, and to what degree that is important to fixing their marriage. She's the only person who can make that call, and it will only work if she believes it will help and is sufficiently important to her. From what has been written, it sounds like there are many other issues to consider as well here - things that are probably more fundamentally important than her weight, like lack of communication, lack of mutual respect, lack of appreciation.

We, as outsiders, can't know exactly what's going on in this relationship, but to put the blame/responsibility for its' dysfunction so solidly on her shoulders because she doesn't look the way she did when they first married, or how he'd like her to look, is seriously, seriously messed up. This is not the 1890s - women are not expected to be merely decorative any more, and in case some of you ladies hadn't noticed, we women have a whole heck of a lot more to bring to any marriage/relationship than just looking good, however 'visual' men are.

"For better or worse" swings both ways. If he is supposed to stick it out even when she gains 200lbs, then shouldn't she stick it out even when he acts like a jerk because she gained 200lbs?

I don't think anyone is putting the blame completely on her shoulders. But she is the one posting for advice... so shes going to get the advice. If he were posting and telling the story I would tell him to speak to his wife in a more sensative manner. And sure, he should love his wife if she is 200, 300, 400lbs overweight.... but that still doesn't exclude her responsibility to take care of herself... for herself and for her marriage.

Ugh I'm disgusted and sad for you girl!!! First off you are absolutely beautiful and CLEARLY capable of hard work since you are the sole care taker for his kids and home. I say lose the weight and lose that man!! Show him that you can not only do it but you can do it without him!!

Yeah, don't listen to anyone who tells you to lose your husband and knows nothing at all about your marriage except a one sided post.

Jaw dropping at the number of women agreeing with the person who posted that the OP shouldn't 'rebel' but just lose weight as not doing so wasn't 'fair' to her husband because "men are visual creatures"... Um, no. There's that little line in marriage vows about 'for better, for worse' - that doesn't come with the disclaimer "unless you get, like, fat, or cut your hair, or something changes about your appearance that I don't like".

If the OP believes that her weight is impacting on their life together, then it's her decision whether or not to do something about it, and to what degree that is important to fixing their marriage. She's the only person who can make that call, and it will only work if she believes it will help and is sufficiently important to her. From what has been written, it sounds like there are many other issues to consider as well here - things that are probably more fundamentally important, like lack of communication, lack of mutual respect, lack of appreciation.

We, as outsiders, can't know exactly what's going on in this relationship, but to put the blame/responsibility for its' dysfunction so solidly on her shoulders because she doesn't look the way she did when they first married, or how he'd like her to look, is seriously, seriously messed up. This is not the 1890s - women are not expected to be merely decorative any more, and in case some of you ladies hadn't noticed, we women have a whole heck of a lot more to bring to any marriage/relationship than just looking good, however 'visual' men are. Nor do most adult men need to be babied, as some of you seem to believe.

So this is why women really smile at weddings?

I'd smile too if I had carte blanche to get fat and my future wife couldn't object to it. What a sweet deal!

No, they shouldn't have carte blanche, as you put it. However, I will tell you when the SO sabotages your efforts/doesn't support you, it can break you...IF you're losing the weight for the wrong reasons. Marriage is a two-way street. Again, she's not just sitting around the house - she's working a lot and (from her posts) it doesn't seem like he's helping out. Even if he were willing to watch the kids for 30 minutes she could do a quick workout video, or walk around the block.

Or he could say "honey, you've gained a lot of weight, and while I love you, I really would like for your to get in better shape so you can be healthy and around for us for a very long time", or something like that. There are supportive ways to say it.

Again, though, worst-case scenario is that he isn't supportive, and won't do anything - there's no reason why she can't go to the local Y or something like that (cheaper than regular gyms), have the kids do an activity (ours has crafting, open swim, an Adventure Room, etc) and then she can do a quick workout. Every little bit will help.

I think what he can't expect is for her to be a supermodel again. Not all women are equipped to be healthy at a size 00 or 0.

Incidentally, my mother is that way. She constantly belittles me and gets on me because I'm not still at a size 0-2 like I was when I danced professionally. I finally had to stop listening to HER, and just get healthy, and now that I am, I can work on the getting in shape/losing weight bit

OP, I'd recommend counseling, too, but you're busy enough. Just track your food, try to do a little bit of activity (heck, do wall pushups in the shower, for example) and it'll be slow but you'll get there.