Husband Is Mad I Am Fat

If the OP believes that her weight is impacting on their life together, then it's her decision whether or not to do something about it, and to what degree that is important to fixing their marriage. She's the only person who can make that call, and it will only work if she believes it will help and is sufficiently important to her.

She is not the only one who can make this call. He is too. And it is more honest for him to say what he does not like, than just walk away. Same as she should confront him about the things she hates and demand solutions, instead of just walking away or giving up. There is no way one spouse gaining 200 lbs is not affecting a marriage, it is not a minor detail, regardless of the gender of the person. Same as him not contributing enough in the house, if this is true, is not a detail. This is not about a little belly or a new haircut.

She's the only person who can decide how important it is to her to change, and how likely that change is, to her, to alter the state of her marriage, which seems to be on pretty thin ice to start with, as described here. He can certainly have his feelings on the subject, as could she, if the situation were reversed, but as is frequently stated on this thread, weight loss usually only works if you do it for yourself...doing it for someone else, not so much. Hope that clarifies my meaning.

Life is too short to surround yourself with such negativity. His job is to support you and build you up, not bring you down. It sounds like your husband has his own issues and lashing out at you makes him feel better about himself.

If I were you, I would take stock of my life and what I want out of it. I would also have a very frank "come to Jesus" meeting with my husband. "If you are not with us, you are against us." It's not your job alone to do everything..

It is so vital that you do take time for yourself! Next time he is sitting on his butt watching tv, grab your purse and say "See you in a couple of hours, I am going out for some me time."

Jaw dropping at the number of women agreeing with the person who posted that the OP shouldn't 'rebel' but just lose weight as not doing so wasn't 'fair' to her husband because "men are visual creatures"... Um, no. There's that little line in marriage vows about 'for better, for worse' - that doesn't come with the disclaimer "unless you get, like, fat, or cut your hair, or something changes about your appearance that I don't like".

If the OP believes that her weight is impacting on their life together, then it's her decision whether or not to do something about it, and to what degree that is important to fixing their marriage. She's the only person who can make that call, and it will only work if she believes it will help and is sufficiently important to her. From what has been written, it sounds like there are many other issues to consider as well here - things that are probably more fundamentally important than her weight, like lack of communication, lack of mutual respect, lack of appreciation.

We, as outsiders, can't know exactly what's going on in this relationship, but to put the blame/responsibility for its' dysfunction so solidly on her shoulders because she doesn't look the way she did when they first married, or how he'd like her to look, is seriously, seriously messed up. This is not the 1890s - women are not expected to be merely decorative any more, and in case some of you ladies hadn't noticed, we women have a whole heck of a lot more to bring to any marriage/relationship than just looking good, however 'visual' men are.

"For better or worse" swings both ways. If he is supposed to stick it out even when she gains 200lbs, then shouldn't she stick it out even when he acts like a jerk because she gained 200lbs?

I don't think anyone is putting the blame completely on her shoulders. But she is the one posting for advice... so shes going to get the advice. If he were posting and telling the story I would tell him to speak to his wife in a more sensative manner. And sure, he should love his wife if she is 200, 300, 400lbs overweight.... but that still doesn't exclude her responsibility to take care of herself... for herself and for her marriage.

Ugh I'm disgusted and sad for you girl!!! First off you are absolutely beautiful and CLEARLY capable of hard work since you are the sole care taker for his kids and home. I say lose the weight and lose that man!! Show him that you can not only do it but you can do it without him!!

Yeah, don't listen to anyone who tells you to lose your husband and knows nothing at all about your marriage except a one sided post.

Jaw dropping at the number of women agreeing with the person who posted that the OP shouldn't 'rebel' but just lose weight as not doing so wasn't 'fair' to her husband because "men are visual creatures"... Um, no. There's that little line in marriage vows about 'for better, for worse' - that doesn't come with the disclaimer "unless you get, like, fat, or cut your hair, or something changes about your appearance that I don't like".

If the OP believes that her weight is impacting on their life together, then it's her decision whether or not to do something about it, and to what degree that is important to fixing their marriage. She's the only person who can make that call, and it will only work if she believes it will help and is sufficiently important to her. From what has been written, it sounds like there are many other issues to consider as well here - things that are probably more fundamentally important, like lack of communication, lack of mutual respect, lack of appreciation.

We, as outsiders, can't know exactly what's going on in this relationship, but to put the blame/responsibility for its' dysfunction so solidly on her shoulders because she doesn't look the way she did when they first married, or how he'd like her to look, is seriously, seriously messed up. This is not the 1890s - women are not expected to be merely decorative any more, and in case some of you ladies hadn't noticed, we women have a whole heck of a lot more to bring to any marriage/relationship than just looking good, however 'visual' men are. Nor do most adult men need to be babied, as some of you seem to believe.

So this is why women really smile at weddings?

I'd smile too if I had carte blanche to get fat and my future wife couldn't object to it. What a sweet deal!

No, they shouldn't have carte blanche, as you put it. However, I will tell you when the SO sabotages your efforts/doesn't support you, it can break you...IF you're losing the weight for the wrong reasons. Marriage is a two-way street. Again, she's not just sitting around the house - she's working a lot and (from her posts) it doesn't seem like he's helping out. Even if he were willing to watch the kids for 30 minutes she could do a quick workout video, or walk around the block.

Or he could say "honey, you've gained a lot of weight, and while I love you, I really would like for your to get in better shape so you can be healthy and around for us for a very long time", or something like that. There are supportive ways to say it.

Again, though, worst-case scenario is that he isn't supportive, and won't do anything - there's no reason why she can't go to the local Y or something like that (cheaper than regular gyms), have the kids do an activity (ours has crafting, open swim, an Adventure Room, etc) and then she can do a quick workout. Every little bit will help.

I think what he can't expect is for her to be a supermodel again. Not all women are equipped to be healthy at a size 00 or 0.

Incidentally, my mother is that way. She constantly belittles me and gets on me because I'm not still at a size 0-2 like I was when I danced professionally. I finally had to stop listening to HER, and just get healthy, and now that I am, I can work on the getting in shape/losing weight bit

OP, I'd recommend counseling, too, but you're busy enough. Just track your food, try to do a little bit of activity (heck, do wall pushups in the shower, for example) and it'll be slow but you'll get there.

Jaw dropping at the number of women agreeing with the person who posted that the OP shouldn't 'rebel' but just lose weight as not doing so wasn't 'fair' to her husband because "men are visual creatures"... Um, no. There's that little line in marriage vows about 'for better, for worse' - that doesn't come with the disclaimer "unless you get, like, fat, or cut your hair, or something changes about your appearance that I don't like".

If the OP believes that her weight is impacting on their life together, then it's her decision whether or not to do something about it, and to what degree that is important to fixing their marriage. She's the only person who can make that call, and it will only work if she believes it will help and is sufficiently important to her. From what has been written, it sounds like there are many other issues to consider as well here - things that are probably more fundamentally important than her weight, like lack of communication, lack of mutual respect, lack of appreciation.

We, as outsiders, can't know exactly what's going on in this relationship, but to put the blame/responsibility for its' dysfunction so solidly on her shoulders because she doesn't look the way she did when they first married, or how he'd like her to look, is seriously, seriously messed up. This is not the 1890s - women are not expected to be merely decorative any more, and in case some of you ladies hadn't noticed, we women have a whole heck of a lot more to bring to any marriage/relationship than just looking good, however 'visual' men are.

"For better or worse" swings both ways. If he is supposed to stick it out even when she gains 200lbs, then shouldn't she stick it out even when he acts like a jerk because she gained 200lbs?

I don't think anyone is putting the blame completely on her shoulders. But she is the one posting for advice... so shes going to get the advice. If he were posting and telling the story I would tell him to speak to his wife in a more sensative manner. And sure, he should love his wife if she is 200, 300, 400lbs overweight.... but that still doesn't exclude her responsibility to take care of herself... for herself and for her marriage.

Yes, it swings both ways - marriage is hard work, and both parties need to take responsibility for actions/situations that undermine that. However, the post I was responding to, re-posted below (and its' adherents), basically says that the problems in her marriage are all her fault, and all because of her weight. I don't buy that, and I'm frankly alarmed to see how many people - young women, for the main - agree. Doesn't say much for our societal view of marriage that so many people seem to believe that a woman's main responsibility in a relationship is to look good.

So sad to read how many people think you should dump your husband and get a divorce because of him acting like a jerk. There is no need to throw him away over something so simple.

Just lose weight. Men are visual as we all know, and he fell in love with a super-model thin woman. There is no reason you can't try to maintain close to that. It truly isn't fair to men. It sounds superficial to woman, but it is important to men. I'm not saying you need to look exactly like you did, but you owe it to your marriage to look as good as you can. If you aren't putting a good effort into the way you look, the romance is going to (and seems to have already) fizzle.

I know you say you don't have time, but that is just an excuse. You may not have time to go to the gym, but you certainly have time to watch what you eat, you just don't want to.

Okay okay, you can feel rebellious if you want, go ahead, the choice is yours. You are then headed to divorce.

Or, you can simply eat less calories, get healthier, feel better, be a good role model of health for your kids, and reignite the spark between you and your husband. It's as simple as controlling your calories.

You could lose a lot of weight real quick....drop the @sshole! No, seriously, that is verbal abuse. God Bless you, I hope he isn't that way all the time.

Venting your feelings, how you truly feel, is NOT verbal abuse. No where in her comments did she say he called her any names or such.

GEEZUS fellow women, stop being so thin skinned.

Jaw dropping at the number of women agreeing with the person who posted that the OP shouldn't 'rebel' but just lose weight as not doing so wasn't 'fair' to her husband because "men are visual creatures"... Um, no. There's that little line in marriage vows about 'for better, for worse' - that doesn't come with the disclaimer "unless you get, like, fat, or cut your hair, or something changes about your appearance that I don't like".

If the OP believes that her weight is impacting on their life together, then it's her decision whether or not to do something about it, and to what degree that is important to fixing their marriage. She's the only person who can make that call, and it will only work if she believes it will help and is sufficiently important to her. From what has been written, it sounds like there are many other issues to consider as well here - things that are probably more fundamentally important, like lack of communication, lack of mutual respect, lack of appreciation.

We, as outsiders, can't know exactly what's going on in this relationship, but to put the blame/responsibility for its' dysfunction so solidly on her shoulders because she doesn't look the way she did when they first married, or how he'd like her to look, is seriously, seriously messed up. This is not the 1890s - women are not expected to be merely decorative any more, and in case some of you ladies hadn't noticed, we women have a whole heck of a lot more to bring to any marriage/relationship than just looking good, however 'visual' men are. Nor do most adult men need to be babied, as some of you seem to believe.

So this is why women really smile at weddings?

I'd smile too if I had carte blanche to get fat and my future wife couldn't object to it. What a sweet deal!

No, they shouldn't have carte blanche, as you put it. However, I will tell you when the SO sabotages your efforts/doesn't support you, it can break you...IF you're losing the weight for the wrong reasons. Marriage is a two-way street. Again, she's not just sitting around the house - she's working a lot and (from her posts) it doesn't seem like he's helping out. Even if he were willing to watch the kids for 30 minutes she could do a quick workout video, or walk around the block.

Or he could say "honey, you've gained a lot of weight, and while I love you, I really would like for your to get in better shape so you can be healthy and around for us for a very long time", or something like that. There are supportive ways to say it.

Again, though, worst-case scenario is that he isn't supportive, and won't do anything - there's no reason why she can't go to the local Y or something like that (cheaper than regular gyms), have the kids do an activity (ours has crafting, open swim, an Adventure Room, etc) and then she can do a quick workout. Every little bit will help.

I think what he can't expect is for her to be a supermodel again. Not all women are equipped to be healthy at a size 00 or 0.

Incidentally, my mother is that way. She constantly belittles me and gets on me because I'm not still at a size 0-2 like I was when I danced professionally. I finally had to stop listening to HER, and just get healthy, and now that I am, I can work on the getting in shape/losing weight bit

OP, I'd recommend counseling, too, but you're busy enough. Just track your food, try to do a little bit of activity (heck, do wall pushups in the shower, for example) and it'll be slow but you'll get there.

I would venture to say that I don't believe he would expect her to be model thin again, but to be 200 pounds over weight is ridiculous.

How do you even let yourself go that much???? I would have stopped myself long before that. I am disgusted at myself that I need to lose 80 pounds.

Her stating she doesn't have time is all excuses. I will get hammered for saying this, but the majority of lazy people have poor time management skills and that is a fact. Its been proven time and time again.

WOW how is working two jobs while raising kids lazy?

Love shouldn't be so conditional. I'm so sorry he's treating you this way. Regardless of your size, he should love and support you in a positive, realistic manner, no matter what.