Husband Is Mad I Am Fat

Jaw dropping at the number of women agreeing with the person who posted that the OP shouldn't 'rebel' but just lose weight as not doing so wasn't 'fair' to her husband because "men are visual creatures"... Um, no. There's that little line in marriage vows about 'for better, for worse' - that doesn't come with the disclaimer "unless you get, like, fat, or cut your hair, or something changes about your appearance that I don't like".

If the OP believes that her weight is impacting on their life together, then it's her decision whether or not to do something about it, and to what degree that is important to fixing their marriage. She's the only person who can make that call, and it will only work if she believes it will help and is sufficiently important to her. From what has been written, it sounds like there are many other issues to consider as well here - things that are probably more fundamentally important, like lack of communication, lack of mutual respect, lack of appreciation.

We, as outsiders, can't know exactly what's going on in this relationship, but to put the blame/responsibility for its' dysfunction so solidly on her shoulders because she doesn't look the way she did when they first married, or how he'd like her to look, is seriously, seriously messed up. This is not the 1890s - women are not expected to be merely decorative any more, and in case some of you ladies hadn't noticed, we women have a whole heck of a lot more to bring to any marriage/relationship than just looking good, however 'visual' men are. Nor do most adult men need to be babied, as some of you seem to believe.

So this is why women really smile at weddings?

I'd smile too if I had carte blanche to get fat and my future wife couldn't object to it. What a sweet deal!

No, they shouldn't have carte blanche, as you put it. However, I will tell you when the SO sabotages your efforts/doesn't support you, it can break you...IF you're losing the weight for the wrong reasons. Marriage is a two-way street. Again, she's not just sitting around the house - she's working a lot and (from her posts) it doesn't seem like he's helping out. Even if he were willing to watch the kids for 30 minutes she could do a quick workout video, or walk around the block.

Or he could say "honey, you've gained a lot of weight, and while I love you, I really would like for your to get in better shape so you can be healthy and around for us for a very long time", or something like that. There are supportive ways to say it.

Again, though, worst-case scenario is that he isn't supportive, and won't do anything - there's no reason why she can't go to the local Y or something like that (cheaper than regular gyms), have the kids do an activity (ours has crafting, open swim, an Adventure Room, etc) and then she can do a quick workout. Every little bit will help.

I think what he can't expect is for her to be a supermodel again. Not all women are equipped to be healthy at a size 00 or 0.

Incidentally, my mother is that way. She constantly belittles me and gets on me because I'm not still at a size 0-2 like I was when I danced professionally. I finally had to stop listening to HER, and just get healthy, and now that I am, I can work on the getting in shape/losing weight bit

OP, I'd recommend counseling, too, but you're busy enough. Just track your food, try to do a little bit of activity (heck, do wall pushups in the shower, for example) and it'll be slow but you'll get there.

I would venture to say that I don't believe he would expect her to be model thin again, but to be 200 pounds over weight is ridiculous.

How do you even let yourself go that much???? I would have stopped myself long before that. I am disgusted at myself that I need to lose 80 pounds.

Her stating she doesn't have time is all excuses. I will get hammered for saying this, but the majority of lazy people have poor time management skills and that is a fact. Its been proven time and time again.

So this is why women really smile at weddings?

I'd smile too if I had carte blanche to get fat and my future wife couldn't object to it. What a sweet deal!

I understand the divorce rate being so high, after reading the responses. The reason marriages don't work is both sides quit trying. Also, most couples don't talk enough.

Should he talk to you that way, no. However, he talked to you, and not a public forum. How would you feel if he blasted the problems to complete strangers?

Sounds to me like 2 very tired individuals, that are not working together. Both feel like they are working harder then the other, and both feel under appreciated.

Work the problem with your best friend, your spouse.

Thanks for the empathy. Wow.

Tell him he has 2 choices. 1. Hire a babysitter(or watch the kids himself) and a housekeeper to free up your time so you can take care of yourself. 2. Deal with you being fat.

He has zero right to expect you to do it all.

I agree !! It comes down to him not appreciating what you do/how much you do - if he wants weight loss to be a priority for you, some of your time must be freed !!!

Is there anyway you could simplify your life so you wouldn't have to work two jobs? I think that's too much when you have a husband and two kids. I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. It sounds like everyone is stressed out. I heard once that it's the woman who 'sets the tone for the family' - that's a lot of power! I would tell my husband how painful it was to hear that from him and remind him that I would never talk to him that way. Good luck!