Husband Is Mad I Am Fat
Replies
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Jaw dropping at the number of women agreeing with the person who posted that the OP shouldn't 'rebel' but just lose weight as not doing so wasn't 'fair' to her husband because "men are visual creatures"... Um, no. There's that little line in marriage vows about 'for better, for worse' - that doesn't come with the disclaimer "unless you get, like, fat, or cut your hair, or something changes about your appearance that I don't like".
If the OP believes that her weight is impacting on their life together, then it's her decision whether or not to do something about it, and to what degree that is important to fixing their marriage. She's the only person who can make that call, and it will only work if she believes it will help and is sufficiently important to her. From what has been written, it sounds like there are many other issues to consider as well here - things that are probably more fundamentally important than her weight, like lack of communication, lack of mutual respect, lack of appreciation.
We, as outsiders, can't know exactly what's going on in this relationship, but to put the blame/responsibility for its' dysfunction so solidly on her shoulders because she doesn't look the way she did when they first married, or how he'd like her to look, is seriously, seriously messed up. This is not the 1890s - women are not expected to be merely decorative any more, and in case some of you ladies hadn't noticed, we women have a whole heck of a lot more to bring to any marriage/relationship than just looking good, however 'visual' men are.
"For better or worse" swings both ways. If he is supposed to stick it out even when she gains 200lbs, then shouldn't she stick it out even when he acts like a jerk because she gained 200lbs?
I don't think anyone is putting the blame completely on her shoulders. But she is the one posting for advice... so shes going to get the advice. If he were posting and telling the story I would tell him to speak to his wife in a more sensative manner. And sure, he should love his wife if she is 200, 300, 400lbs overweight.... but that still doesn't exclude her responsibility to take care of herself... for herself and for her marriage.
Yes, it swings both ways - marriage is hard work, and both parties need to take responsibility for actions/situations that undermine that. However, the post I was responding to, re-posted below (and its' adherents), basically says that the problems in her marriage are all her fault, and all because of her weight. I don't buy that, and I'm frankly alarmed to see how many people - young women, for the main - agree. Doesn't say much for our societal view of marriage that so many people seem to believe that a woman's main responsibility in a relationship is to look good.So sad to read how many people think you should dump your husband and get a divorce because of him acting like a jerk. There is no need to throw him away over something so simple.
Just lose weight. Men are visual as we all know, and he fell in love with a super-model thin woman. There is no reason you can't try to maintain close to that. It truly isn't fair to men. It sounds superficial to woman, but it is important to men. I'm not saying you need to look exactly like you did, but you owe it to your marriage to look as good as you can. If you aren't putting a good effort into the way you look, the romance is going to (and seems to have already) fizzle.
I know you say you don't have time, but that is just an excuse. You may not have time to go to the gym, but you certainly have time to watch what you eat, you just don't want to.
Okay okay, you can feel rebellious if you want, go ahead, the choice is yours. You are then headed to divorce.
Or, you can simply eat less calories, get healthier, feel better, be a good role model of health for your kids, and reignite the spark between you and your husband. It's as simple as controlling your calories.0 -
Tell him you are going to hire a babysitter so you can go work out and he can pay for it.0
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You could lose a lot of weight real quick....drop the @sshole! No, seriously, that is verbal abuse. God Bless you, I hope he isn't that way all the time.
Venting your feelings, how you truly feel, is NOT verbal abuse. No where in her comments did she say he called her any names or such.
GEEZUS fellow women, stop being so thin skinned.0 -
Tell him he has 2 choices. 1. Hire a babysitter(or watch the kids himself) and a housekeeper to free up your time so you can take care of yourself. 2. Deal with you being fat.
He has zero right to expect you to do it all.
I agree !! It comes down to him not appreciating what you do/how much you do - if he wants weight loss to be a priority for you, some of your time must be freed !!!0 -
Jaw dropping at the number of women agreeing with the person who posted that the OP shouldn't 'rebel' but just lose weight as not doing so wasn't 'fair' to her husband because "men are visual creatures"... Um, no. There's that little line in marriage vows about 'for better, for worse' - that doesn't come with the disclaimer "unless you get, like, fat, or cut your hair, or something changes about your appearance that I don't like".
If the OP believes that her weight is impacting on their life together, then it's her decision whether or not to do something about it, and to what degree that is important to fixing their marriage. She's the only person who can make that call, and it will only work if she believes it will help and is sufficiently important to her. From what has been written, it sounds like there are many other issues to consider as well here - things that are probably more fundamentally important, like lack of communication, lack of mutual respect, lack of appreciation.
We, as outsiders, can't know exactly what's going on in this relationship, but to put the blame/responsibility for its' dysfunction so solidly on her shoulders because she doesn't look the way she did when they first married, or how he'd like her to look, is seriously, seriously messed up. This is not the 1890s - women are not expected to be merely decorative any more, and in case some of you ladies hadn't noticed, we women have a whole heck of a lot more to bring to any marriage/relationship than just looking good, however 'visual' men are. Nor do most adult men need to be babied, as some of you seem to believe.
So this is why women really smile at weddings?
I'd smile too if I had carte blanche to get fat and my future wife couldn't object to it. What a sweet deal!
No, they shouldn't have carte blanche, as you put it. However, I will tell you when the SO sabotages your efforts/doesn't support you, it can break you...IF you're losing the weight for the wrong reasons. Marriage is a two-way street. Again, she's not just sitting around the house - she's working a lot and (from her posts) it doesn't seem like he's helping out. Even if he were willing to watch the kids for 30 minutes she could do a quick workout video, or walk around the block.
Or he could say "honey, you've gained a lot of weight, and while I love you, I really would like for your to get in better shape so you can be healthy and around for us for a very long time", or something like that. There are supportive ways to say it.
Again, though, worst-case scenario is that he isn't supportive, and won't do anything - there's no reason why she can't go to the local Y or something like that (cheaper than regular gyms), have the kids do an activity (ours has crafting, open swim, an Adventure Room, etc) and then she can do a quick workout. Every little bit will help.
I think what he can't expect is for her to be a supermodel again. Not all women are equipped to be healthy at a size 00 or 0.
Incidentally, my mother is that way. She constantly belittles me and gets on me because I'm not still at a size 0-2 like I was when I danced professionally. I finally had to stop listening to HER, and just get healthy, and now that I am, I can work on the getting in shape/losing weight bit
OP, I'd recommend counseling, too, but you're busy enough. Just track your food, try to do a little bit of activity (heck, do wall pushups in the shower, for example) and it'll be slow but you'll get there.
I would venture to say that I don't believe he would expect her to be model thin again, but to be 200 pounds over weight is ridiculous.
How do you even let yourself go that much???? I would have stopped myself long before that. I am disgusted at myself that I need to lose 80 pounds.
Her stating she doesn't have time is all excuses. I will get hammered for saying this, but the majority of lazy people have poor time management skills and that is a fact. Its been proven time and time again.0 -
Jaw dropping at the number of women agreeing with the person who posted that the OP shouldn't 'rebel' but just lose weight as not doing so wasn't 'fair' to her husband because "men are visual creatures"... Um, no. There's that little line in marriage vows about 'for better, for worse' - that doesn't come with the disclaimer "unless you get, like, fat, or cut your hair, or something changes about your appearance that I don't like".
If the OP believes that her weight is impacting on their life together, then it's her decision whether or not to do something about it, and to what degree that is important to fixing their marriage. She's the only person who can make that call, and it will only work if she believes it will help and is sufficiently important to her. From what has been written, it sounds like there are many other issues to consider as well here - things that are probably more fundamentally important than her weight, like lack of communication, lack of mutual respect, lack of appreciation.
We, as outsiders, can't know exactly what's going on in this relationship, but to put the blame/responsibility for its' dysfunction so solidly on her shoulders because she doesn't look the way she did when they first married, or how he'd like her to look, is seriously, seriously messed up. This is not the 1890s - women are not expected to be merely decorative any more, and in case some of you ladies hadn't noticed, we women have a whole heck of a lot more to bring to any marriage/relationship than just looking good, however 'visual' men are.
"For better or worse" swings both ways. If he is supposed to stick it out even when she gains 200lbs, then shouldn't she stick it out even when he acts like a jerk because she gained 200lbs?
I don't think anyone is putting the blame completely on her shoulders. But she is the one posting for advice... so shes going to get the advice. If he were posting and telling the story I would tell him to speak to his wife in a more sensative manner. And sure, he should love his wife if she is 200, 300, 400lbs overweight.... but that still doesn't exclude her responsibility to take care of herself... for herself and for her marriage.
Yes, it swings both ways - marriage is hard work, and both parties need to take responsibility for actions/situations that undermine that. However, the post I was responding to, re-posted below (and its' adherents), basically says that the problems in her marriage are all her fault, and all because of her weight. I don't buy that, and I'm frankly alarmed to see how many people - young women, for the main - agree. Doesn't say much for our societal view of marriage that so many people seem to believe that a woman's main responsibility in a relationship is to look good.So sad to read how many people think you should dump your husband and get a divorce because of him acting like a jerk. There is no need to throw him away over something so simple.
Just lose weight. Men are visual as we all know, and he fell in love with a super-model thin woman. There is no reason you can't try to maintain close to that. It truly isn't fair to men. It sounds superficial to woman, but it is important to men. I'm not saying you need to look exactly like you did, but you owe it to your marriage to look as good as you can. If you aren't putting a good effort into the way you look, the romance is going to (and seems to have already) fizzle.
I know you say you don't have time, but that is just an excuse. You may not have time to go to the gym, but you certainly have time to watch what you eat, you just don't want to.
Okay okay, you can feel rebellious if you want, go ahead, the choice is yours. You are then headed to divorce.
Or, you can simply eat less calories, get healthier, feel better, be a good role model of health for your kids, and reignite the spark between you and your husband. It's as simple as controlling your calories.
The poster acknoledged that he was acting like a jerk. Then gave HER a solution. I don't think she needs to try to go back to supermodel days... but she still needs to lose close to 200lbs. From the information the OP has given us, her weight is a problem in their marraige. Maybe it shouldn't be... but it is. Why not fight hard to resolve this problem. This is advice to HER not to him. If he was posting, and recieving it would sound as though he was completely to blame. The OP has recieved tons of advice about how big a jerk he is.. Great. Here are the possible solutions and what SHE can actually control: 1) Get a divorce. 2) Do everything you possibly can to save your marriage, including lose weight. In the end, it may still result in divorce. But at least she can say that she fought for it and look back with no regrets.0 -
WOW how is working two jobs while raising kids lazy?0
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Jaw dropping at the number of women agreeing with the person who posted that the OP shouldn't 'rebel' but just lose weight as not doing so wasn't 'fair' to her husband because "men are visual creatures"... Um, no. There's that little line in marriage vows about 'for better, for worse' - that doesn't come with the disclaimer "unless you get, like, fat, or cut your hair, or something changes about your appearance that I don't like".
If the OP believes that her weight is impacting on their life together, then it's her decision whether or not to do something about it, and to what degree that is important to fixing their marriage. She's the only person who can make that call, and it will only work if she believes it will help and is sufficiently important to her. From what has been written, it sounds like there are many other issues to consider as well here - things that are probably more fundamentally important, like lack of communication, lack of mutual respect, lack of appreciation.
We, as outsiders, can't know exactly what's going on in this relationship, but to put the blame/responsibility for its' dysfunction so solidly on her shoulders because she doesn't look the way she did when they first married, or how he'd like her to look, is seriously, seriously messed up. This is not the 1890s - women are not expected to be merely decorative any more, and in case some of you ladies hadn't noticed, we women have a whole heck of a lot more to bring to any marriage/relationship than just looking good, however 'visual' men are. Nor do most adult men need to be babied, as some of you seem to believe.
So this is why women really smile at weddings?
I'd smile too if I had carte blanche to get fat and my future wife couldn't object to it. What a sweet deal!
No, they shouldn't have carte blanche, as you put it. However, I will tell you when the SO sabotages your efforts/doesn't support you, it can break you...IF you're losing the weight for the wrong reasons. Marriage is a two-way street. Again, she's not just sitting around the house - she's working a lot and (from her posts) it doesn't seem like he's helping out. Even if he were willing to watch the kids for 30 minutes she could do a quick workout video, or walk around the block.
Or he could say "honey, you've gained a lot of weight, and while I love you, I really would like for your to get in better shape so you can be healthy and around for us for a very long time", or something like that. There are supportive ways to say it.
Again, though, worst-case scenario is that he isn't supportive, and won't do anything - there's no reason why she can't go to the local Y or something like that (cheaper than regular gyms), have the kids do an activity (ours has crafting, open swim, an Adventure Room, etc) and then she can do a quick workout. Every little bit will help.
I think what he can't expect is for her to be a supermodel again. Not all women are equipped to be healthy at a size 00 or 0.
Incidentally, my mother is that way. She constantly belittles me and gets on me because I'm not still at a size 0-2 like I was when I danced professionally. I finally had to stop listening to HER, and just get healthy, and now that I am, I can work on the getting in shape/losing weight bit
OP, I'd recommend counseling, too, but you're busy enough. Just track your food, try to do a little bit of activity (heck, do wall pushups in the shower, for example) and it'll be slow but you'll get there.
I would venture to say that I don't believe he would expect her to be model thin again, but to be 200 pounds over weight is ridiculous.
How do you even let yourself go that much???? I would have stopped myself long before that. I am disgusted at myself that I need to lose 80 pounds.
Her stating she doesn't have time is all excuses. I will get hammered for saying this, but the majority of lazy people have poor time management skills and that is a fact. Its been proven time and time again.
I have no idea who she is nor what is going on in her life, but I have about 100 to lose (well, had when I started). Quite a bit of that was specifically related to the steroids I had to take, epilepsy medication, chemo, etc. (yes, some chemo puffs you up like crazy) That and being so incredibly sick that literally getting out of bed was impossible without my husband bodily lifting me up and helping me get downstairs. No amount of dieting was going to fight all that.
Some people just overeat and don't care, but after walking the path, I hesitate to judge anyone since we simply don't know. All we can do is offer constructive suggestions :flowerforyou:0 -
Love shouldn't be so conditional. I'm so sorry he's treating you this way. Regardless of your size, he should love and support you in a positive, realistic manner, no matter what.0
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Just my story...
I have been married for 12 years and during that time, gained about 100lbs (from 135 when we met to 232lbs). For years, I would say "I really need to lose weight", but did nothing to make that happen.
The turning point for me was looking at the pictures taken at our vow renewal ceremony in Dec 2012. When I saw the woman in those pictures, the woman my husband chose to marry again, I thought "he deserves more than a wife who is unhealthy and overweight." I want to be the wife my husband deserves and the woman I deserve to be.0 -
Jaw dropping at the number of women agreeing with the person who posted that the OP shouldn't 'rebel' but just lose weight as not doing so wasn't 'fair' to her husband because "men are visual creatures"... Um, no. There's that little line in marriage vows about 'for better, for worse' - that doesn't come with the disclaimer "unless you get, like, fat, or cut your hair, or something changes about your appearance that I don't like".
If the OP believes that her weight is impacting on their life together, then it's her decision whether or not to do something about it, and to what degree that is important to fixing their marriage. She's the only person who can make that call, and it will only work if she believes it will help and is sufficiently important to her. From what has been written, it sounds like there are many other issues to consider as well here - things that are probably more fundamentally important, like lack of communication, lack of mutual respect, lack of appreciation.
We, as outsiders, can't know exactly what's going on in this relationship, but to put the blame/responsibility for its' dysfunction so solidly on her shoulders because she doesn't look the way she did when they first married, or how he'd like her to look, is seriously, seriously messed up. This is not the 1890s - women are not expected to be merely decorative any more, and in case some of you ladies hadn't noticed, we women have a whole heck of a lot more to bring to any marriage/relationship than just looking good, however 'visual' men are. Nor do most adult men need to be babied, as some of you seem to believe.
So this is why women really smile at weddings?
I'd smile too if I had carte blanche to get fat and my future wife couldn't object to it. What a sweet deal!
No, they shouldn't have carte blanche, as you put it. However, I will tell you when the SO sabotages your efforts/doesn't support you, it can break you...IF you're losing the weight for the wrong reasons. Marriage is a two-way street. Again, she's not just sitting around the house - she's working a lot and (from her posts) it doesn't seem like he's helping out. Even if he were willing to watch the kids for 30 minutes she could do a quick workout video, or walk around the block.
Or he could say "honey, you've gained a lot of weight, and while I love you, I really would like for your to get in better shape so you can be healthy and around for us for a very long time", or something like that. There are supportive ways to say it.
Again, though, worst-case scenario is that he isn't supportive, and won't do anything - there's no reason why she can't go to the local Y or something like that (cheaper than regular gyms), have the kids do an activity (ours has crafting, open swim, an Adventure Room, etc) and then she can do a quick workout. Every little bit will help.
I think what he can't expect is for her to be a supermodel again. Not all women are equipped to be healthy at a size 00 or 0.
Incidentally, my mother is that way. She constantly belittles me and gets on me because I'm not still at a size 0-2 like I was when I danced professionally. I finally had to stop listening to HER, and just get healthy, and now that I am, I can work on the getting in shape/losing weight bit
OP, I'd recommend counseling, too, but you're busy enough. Just track your food, try to do a little bit of activity (heck, do wall pushups in the shower, for example) and it'll be slow but you'll get there.
I would venture to say that I don't believe he would expect her to be model thin again, but to be 200 pounds over weight is ridiculous.
How do you even let yourself go that much???? I would have stopped myself long before that. I am disgusted at myself that I need to lose 80 pounds.
Her stating she doesn't have time is all excuses. I will get hammered for saying this, but the majority of lazy people have poor time management skills and that is a fact. Its been proven time and time again.
Agreed on all points. OP is already preparing meals - she can make time for a calorie deficit. Anyone can make time for a brief walk, or take the stairs, park far from the grocery store entrance, etc. I've heard of busy moms doing a quick 15-20 minute workout at night after putting the kids to bed.0 -
He sounds like a total loser. Of course I don't know him, or you and am merely assuming off of what you said. Girl, screw him. If you want to lose weight who cares what he thinks. Do it for YOU. Have pride in yourself, and forget the rest. If a man ever talked to me like that he wouldn't be my man long. He also might not live long. Just saying.
^ this......What your husband said is not love girl. I divorce ppl for a living doll...trust me - either get counseling fast or accept that its over. In my experience professionally this is what I see. Hold your head up high and do it for you. If the rest doesn't work out - at least you have that.0 -
So this is why women really smile at weddings?
I'd smile too if I had carte blanche to get fat and my future wife couldn't object to it. What a sweet deal!
If your idea of a "sweet deal" is to get fat in silence, then you will struggle with your weight all your life.0 -
Im pretty sure Id lose all the weight and then leave his a**!!! But thats just me. Sorry your going thru that.0
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I understand the divorce rate being so high, after reading the responses. The reason marriages don't work is both sides quit trying. Also, most couples don't talk enough.
Should he talk to you that way, no. However, he talked to you, and not a public forum. How would you feel if he blasted the problems to complete strangers?
Sounds to me like 2 very tired individuals, that are not working together. Both feel like they are working harder then the other, and both feel under appreciated.
Work the problem with your best friend, your spouse.
^^This is some very good advice!
Also, try to figure out what has caused you to gain almost 200 lbs over the past 15 years?
Until you figure that out, you will continue to gain, and by the time you hit 40, you might be 300 lbs overweight, divorced, and a slew of health problems.0 -
I'd put him out then get in shape - he sounds like an *kitten*.
hmmmm, if she 'puts him out', then she loses his income, resulting in her having to work even more to pay the bills. How is that better?
If getting in shape is so easy, then perhaps if she 'gets in shape' her marriage would improve, (for a variety of reasons) and she wouldn't WANT to put him out.
Not saying that her weight is the root of all the problems in her marriage, but it is definitely a symptom of many underlying issues, and just compounds the problems in her marriage. Take care of THAT issue, then there is one less issue to cause problems.0 -
Thanks for the empathy. Wow.
There are plenty of folks on here who are showing you empathy, but in my opinion, you were looking for sympathy.
Guess what? My husband isn't happy that I got fat after we got married and NEITHER AM I!! I put on 50 lbs in a short time and 10 years later, I'm working my butt off so that I can lose that 50 lbs plus more!
I say my husband isn't happy, but I don't mean he's mad, and NO he has NEVER said anything to me about it. But I'm not stupid! I gained 50 flippin pounds!!!! He should be disappointed if he really loves me because it's MY HEALTH!!!! Him and I made a vow to stick together through sickness and health, and blah blah blah, so if I put my own health in jeopardy because I MADE THE CHOICE TO BE LAZY and not do anything about the weight when I started to put it on he has EVERY right to be upset in my opinion!!! Stop crying about it and do something about it! Put your energy towards something postive.0 -
Some of these comments seem a little excessive. I agree MFP is not the place to air out relationship issues, but we're supposed to be a supportive community and I don't think suggesting the OP is probably an *kitten*, looking for excuses, trying to tear her husband down or that you find her lack of accountability disgusting is beneficial to anyone. That kind of response usually only puts the poster on the defensive or makes them hesitant to post further or share on the site. There's better ways to make your point and we're all trying to achieve the same goal here, let's be a little more constructive with our criticism.
That said, there are a lot of good points on both sides of this argument. There are of course two sides to the story and I'm sure the OP's husband is not some abusive bully that she should divorce, nor is it fair to him to have some commenters suggesting he just wants a trophy wife and should work harder. For all we know he just wants his wife back at a healthy, reasonable weight, and that isn't an unreasonable request. From the original post it seems communication was poor, but all the same it doesn't make you a bad person to tell your spouse they could afford to take better care of themselves.
On the flip side, the OP is not only contributing to the family finances with two jobs, but also doing more than her fair share of household duties and looking after the kids. Even presuming that the fight didn't happen 100% exactly as the OP stated because we do all tend to paint ourselves more positively, I can see where the OP feels unsupported. If her weight is such a big issue and one of her complaints to her husband is that she simply doesn't have the time for exercise, kicking back and watching sports while she does the taxes isn't helpful. A compromise of him taking on a few more chores when he's home so that she can hit the gym or go for a decent walk is also not unreasonable. Just as he has the right to ask his wife to better maintain her health and appearance, so too does she to ask that he sacrifice a few hours of leisure time to help her achieve that.
Overall mistakes have been made on both sides from what I can tell - deliberately not looking after yourself as payback is a bit petulant and does the OP herself no favours. Her husband should recognise that while his work situation is probably not exactly a walk in the park either, his spouse is also working hard and five days a week doing the work of two parents, and rather than fighting about her weight or suggesting she's lazy he could be assisting her in her weight loss journey. As has been suggested by others, perhaps the OP did spur the weight conversation and he's usually more tactful, but I don't doubt the OP is telling the truth about him watching television as she was doing chores and if this is typical when he comes home, he could afford to change his actions a little too for the sake of her health.
OP - you deserve to be healthy and happy. Don't let yourself get into the mindset that you're not going to change because he'll think it's just to appease him. Do it for yourself, so you have energy to keep up with your kids and so you're not battling health problems and missing out on time with them. The fact that it'll improve your marriage is just another upside. There's some great advice on here, and as has already been said it's not all about finding the time for exercise. Simply cutting calories will see you lose the majority of your weight anyway, or at least it has been for me (I'm guilty of being pretty slack with exercise, but I lost and kept off 25kgs (I think that's a little over 50 pounds) since 2011 with pretty minimal exercise (still a bit to go though, I'm not an after story yet and afford to be more physical, it does help). There are lots of great tools and great people on here to help you out, you can get there.
Good luck to both of you, I wish you all the best 0 -
Okay, as per usual...I'm going to go against the grain and the majority on this.
We live in a society today where more is better, bigger is better and overeating and living a S.A.D.(Standard American Diet) and Western lifestyle , over-spending (living above ones means usually to keep up with everyone else), as well as everyone is equal and there is no difference between anyone--everyone must/should think, believe and behave the same. There is no difference between men and women...we're all equal in every way and if anyone DARE think or say the opposite...well, get the tar and feathers out--cause there's going to be a shout down, beat down and more.
Your husband is a man and many (if not most men) are not emotional (as some/most woman can be and are) and see/think/behave the way women do, but instead are creatures that are highly affected by being sexually attracted to their mates...moreso than most women are. Many men NEED sex...it's a need, whereas many woman like and love sex...but it's not a NEED, like it is for men. You hubby is angry because he's losing and/or lost his sexual attraction to you, because of your weight. He sees it (being fat and flabby) as a major turn-off and it's frustrating to him, because he loves you and wants to be physically attracted to you! Is that wrong????? Maybe...if a healthy sexual relationship between husband and wife isn't important--but if it is...well, use this "pain" and "anger" to help yourself and your husband at the same time--by doing what it takes (no matter the trials and tribulations, to get some of that blasted weight off--again for your sake as well as his)!
Being fat ( 187lbs+ overweight as you are or even 50-60 pounds overweight, as I am) is not only super unattractive, it's also unhealthy and a major turn-off to most men. Being overweight ( I'm not talking about "vanity" overweight of 10-30 pounds overweight) but obese (40-50+ pounds overweight) is quite frankly really physically ugly and can make us look less than human to some people...for real! So, instead of getting "mad" at your husband...get mad at yourself, for allowing yourself (no matter how valid the "excuses/justifications" are)...get MAD at this weight and take your husband's insults as a weapon and use this weapon to get slimmer and trimmer and healthier. Use your husband's rudeness to shake you out of your potential "acceptance" and/or "permission" to stay where you are. Use your husband's tackless talk to spark an urgency in a lifestyle change for yourself. YES...you can very easily focus on his issues and faults, sure--he's got just as many as you do...probably a LOT more...but use this "negative energy" to your benefit and get that unattractive and unhealthy excess flab and fat off and keep it off. Forgive your husband and yourself...then continue on your journey to a slimmer and trimmer you!
PLEASE KNOW THAT I'M TALKING TO MYSELF...JUST AS MUCH, IF NOT MORE THAN I'M TALKING TO YOU
If/since others can and have done it--under far more pressing issues than you and I...we can do it too...look at it as a MUST instead of should!
Vince Lombardi: It's not whether you get knocked down; it's whether you get up.
Unknown Author: You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.
Marvin Phillips: The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph!
In this age, which believes that there is a short cut to everything, the greatest lesson to be learned is that the most difficult way is, in the long run, the easiest! --Henry Miller
"The fishermen know the sea is dangerous and the storms are
terrible, but they have never found this sufficient reason to remain
on shore." Vincent Van Gogh
"Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent." - Marilyn Vos Savant0 -
I didn't read the whole thread. If I repeat anyone else we'll just say I agree with them . This sounds like a very harsh situation. I'm so sorry for the state your marriage is in. That said, you are your own person. Any weight loss you achieve, however you achieve it, is all about you. I would so on the LOWEST possible calorie reduction plan available. I would eat a TON of fruits and veggies just to make sure my poor, overworked body got as much nutrition as possible! I'd take vitamins and squeeze in sleep as best I could. I would ignore any insults or unreasonable demands from my DH and do what I could for the kids. I'd also find a way to get the kids in activities that enriched their lives (they have low cost programs most places) to give me some time to rest and pray. A lot of praying. I hope things improve in your marriage and you can find a way to work this out. 0
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bumping this for a read after work ......0
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No, pretty sure I NEED sex.0
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Tell him he has 2 choices. 1. Hire a babysitter(or watch the kids himself) and a housekeeper to free up your time so you can take care of yourself. 2. Deal with you being fat.
He has zero right to expect you to do it all.
I agree !! It comes down to him not appreciating what you do/how much you do - if he wants weight loss to be a priority for you, some of your time must be freed !!!
:huh:
My wife and I used to argue from time to time about potted plants. Blah blah blah, you buy too many; blah blah blah, it's my favorite hobby; blah blah blah, you get the picture. It was on one such drive and conversation that the truth came out. I hated my job. I disliked it so much, but at the same time it was vital for the well being of my family. That meant when I got my paycheck, I considered it my recompense for my time spent in hell. She took this thing that I valued as such and spent it, as I saw it, frivolously. It took a serious conversation to realize that the silly argument was a serious malady that was festering below the surface. I got over it, and so did she. I realized what was really bothering me, she realized I saw the income as something precious and she stopped taking as many liberties with it. In the end, we understood each other a bit better. Marriage at work.
Here is some marriage advice, forgot this your body, your life, your choice crap. It isn't any longer. That is what dating was, but marriage is one body. Your life is no longer JUST your own. It changed when you got married, and it changed again when you had children. It will NEVER be your own again. What you can do, is be an active player, and manager in its affairs. Take some initiative and change up the rules. But go ahead and cut off your right hand if you want, you won't get very far but at least you have only the left to worry about.0 -
you are stronger than you think! my ex. thought the same of me. he couldnt hold but one job and did nothing to help at home. i did the kids, 2 jobs usually, a side business of making/selling fudge, overtime when the offers came, farm animals care, house/laundry/shopping/cooking and he use to tell me ....walk?...if you cant run 5 miles why bother fatty..(yeah...he wasnt nice at all) time to do anything for me was super hard and then i felt guilty. finally a friend told me ....if you dont know your own worth...why would he....he sees you as you do....i thought this was crazy but for the most part she was right. when i started to realize that i had a problem making time for me and what i need as a human...he did too. i have had to struggle with weight for years but at one point i got to 360 pounds. you are much stronger and talented than he is. you need to do this for yourself..not him!! also, you want your kids to grow up with a strong picture of a woman who takes care of themselves and others...not someone who takes the way that someone talks down to them. that isnt the way you want your children to grow up because what they see growing up is what shapes them for their relationships as adults. boys will think it is ok to talk about their wifes in a bad way and the wife will be ok with it, and the girls will take the verbal abuse because their role model did. you are a wonderful wife, mother and a hard worker!! dont let anyone say that your not special and wonderful and he needs to figure that out...again! you can do this!! add me as a friend and we will take this journey together! :bigsmile:0
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Ask yourself what would I think of my weight if he didn't exist? Would you be fine at your present weight? Or might you not look in the mirror and think you'd rather be thinner? Might you not look at your kids and think you'd like to be alive to see them graduate from college? Notice how you feel, carrying your extra weight, might you not feel a lot better with less of it?
Then do what you have to do based on that and ignore the whole husband aspect of it. You don't have to work out at all to lose weight (although it helps with the health thing), so as others have said, there is no issue of time. You do have to control how much you eat, though. And before you can do that, you do have to be ready, because it isn't easy. At least you're on MFP, that means if you aren't quite ready you're at least ramping up for the challenge.0 -
Is there anyway you could simplify your life so you wouldn't have to work two jobs? I think that's too much when you have a husband and two kids. I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. It sounds like everyone is stressed out. I heard once that it's the woman who 'sets the tone for the family' - that's a lot of power! I would tell my husband how painful it was to hear that from him and remind him that I would never talk to him that way. Good luck!0
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Is there anyway you could simplify your life so you wouldn't have to work two jobs? I think that's too much when you have a husband and two kids. I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. It sounds like everyone is stressed out. I heard once that it's the woman who 'sets the tone for the family' - that's a lot of power! I would tell my husband how painful it was to hear that from him and remind him that I would never talk to him that way. Good luck!
I'd start with the grocery/dining bill. And that's not a fat joke.0 -
I love and respect my wife regardless of size.
Ya gotta actualy like each other for things to be "good".
(27 years married)0 -
Thank you, toofatnomore. Setting aside the fact that I need to lose weight, the way husband talks down to me is not acceptable I think. He comes across as being better than me. It is rubbing off my son, who is learning to insult me. I know I should not dig my
heels in out of spite. I very much want to start losing weight. It is very discouraging though when your husband tries to shame you Ito it. My attitude is, screw him. I spend all weekend cleaning the house and he still calls us all slobs. He is a perfectionist with his head up his *kitten*. I feel rebellious against losing weight even though I know that is wrong and hurtful to myself.0
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