Husband Is Mad I Am Fat

My husband hated that I was fat too. So he had an affair, and moved in with the girl. I lost the weight. He's still an *kitten*.

I would never talk about him to anyone I personally know. I am anonymous on this site. It helps sometimes to be able to write about issues and gain some advice and support during a bad time. As far as sympathy, I hadn't thought that was what I was trying to gain from posting. Feeling sorry for oneself is sometimes justified and healing. Wallowing in pity for an extended length of time is harmful of course.

Reminds me of a quote: "You can feel sorry tomorrow, or you can feel sore tomorrow, it's your choice". Emphasis on YOUR CHOICE!!

I don't agree that feeling sorry for oneself is healing or justified, maybe that stems from my background, but I think feeling sorry oneself starts a spiral of self-pity and excuse making. In my opinion, you can either sit around and feel sorry yourself or you can do something about it, but you can't do both.

I can actually imagine my own husband saying something like that to me, but only because I used to complain constantly about my body and I really didn't do anything about it. He would eventually get fed up and say something harsh. I also worked long hours at the time and did the majority of house work. Sometimes we just run out of time in the day for the list that HAS to be done. Working two jobs would make exercising and meal prep very difficult. Also, when people are mentally tired from a long day of sleep deprived work, they can confuse it with being physically tired from exercise, and wind up over eating.

My husband and I actually decided to down size. We rented out our big house and moved into an apartment. Now, I am able to stay home and I have plenty of time to take care of the house, myself, and my family. My husband and I have a lot more time to spend together and we can do fun stuff, when he is home on weekends, and in the evening. No more lawn care/ laundry/ errands/ shopping on weekends . I wonder if you could somehow arrange to work less. If you truly don't have time to take care of yourself and to enjoy your family, then it is well worth a sacrifice in income and material things to be happier and healthier. Have a serious talk with your husband about what you both really want most and how you can achieve that.

Ok, I had a fight with my husband tonight. The jist of it is he is sick of having a fat wife that doesn't take care of herself. I think he is exaggerating a little bit. I was supermodel thin and attractive when he met me 15 years ago. I have had a pretty rough time the past several years, working two jobs and taking care of two kids. I have zero time to myself. He says it is just an excuse and I could make time. When? Quit one of my jobs? Not feed our kids? My husband works away from home and is gone five nights a week, so he is no help. He gives me no credit for what I do to keep the house hold running, and makes me feel bad on top of it that I am not maintaining a svelte figure and keeping my nails done. WT heck. I am so ripping mad I could scream. He happened to be home tonight, and watched sports all night while I did our taxes. And then he has the nerve to complain we are all slobs and don't take care of the house when he is gone (not true).
I want to lose weight and take better care of myself, but now I don't want him to think I am doing it to appease him. I have this rebellious streak in me now. He says I won't lose weight because it is just too hard ... and I am not capable of hard work. So now I don't feel like making any effort at all.
I am so beside myself I can't sleep tonight. Of course, he is snoring away upstairs.

1. You need to talk this out , together, rationally. If you can't do without a moderator, get some counselling.
2. It doesn't take any extra time to lose weight, it's just a matter of eating less (calorie deficit). if you want time to exercise, for fitness, then you need to talk to him about working out a schedule where he steps up to help you so you have time to exercise.

its still an old thread

Hang in there, OP. It's impossible to know what's going on in your marriage or how you two speak to each other. It makes sense that you'd feel bad when someone you love voices disappointment in you. What would you tell your children to do if they said they were going to fail a school assignment because the teacher said the last one was crummy? Your health and your marriage are for you, for him, for your family.

I guess I'd tell him that you would like to work on how the two of you speak to each other. It's possible to address concerns without calling each other slobs. I hope things get better. (Just ignore generalizations being made about you as a woman and other women by people in this thread. Focus on you and what you need to make your life better. The rest of all this thread is really not your problem.)

I have many thoughts on this post. What bothers me more than the comments on your weight, though, are the comments about the house being messy. This seems especially thoughtless to me. When does he expect you to clean the house? Maybe you should quit being lazy and stop sleeping every night. With you working two jobs and essentially being a single mom during the week, you have enough on your plate and are doing plenty of work to support the household.

Regarding the weight, I agree with the others who say to stop making excuses. You didn't gain the weight overnight, and plenty of people just as busy as you or even busier manage to stay thin or to lose weight. However, I also think there are some psychological/emotional issues going on that you need to address. Gaining nearly two hundred pounds is not only unhealthy physically, it's a sign of emotional ill health as well. So look into that. I think you should consider counseling for yourself to get the bottom of these issues, gain self esteem, and help you learn how to control your feelings and not be so reactive. (A lot of people here said couples counseling-- I don't think that is what is needed here.) And in the meantime, start weighing and measuring your food, counting calories, logging, etc. Do this for YOU and YOUR health, and for the sake of your children. It's not about him.

If there were no children involved, I might say dump him. However, you've been together a long time and have children. You've invested a lot in this relationship, and there are other people who will be affected by divorce.

It sounds like both you and your husband are suffering enormous amounts of stress. (This could be one of the sources of your weight gain, too.) You need to find ways to reduce it and bring some fun back into your marriage.

I say sit down with him and talk to him calmly about your relationship. Stay positive, talk about the things you love about him and your relationship. Use "I messages" and say things like "I felt hurt/sad/angry when you said X about Y." This makes him less defensive. Say we are both under so much stress, I worry about our marriage. Then brainstorm about ways you can solve some of these problems. Can you hire a housecleaner? Have the kids do more chores? Send the kids to stay with grandparents for a weekend so you can have some one-on-one couple time? Cut back on your lifestyle so that you don't have to work two jobs anymore? Move so that he doesn't have to be away all week? You both need to get on the same team.

If this conversation goes poorly, or if after trying some changes things don't improve, maybe think about divorce then. But divorce takes a lot of planning-- don't just file impulsively. Really think it through and also start planning financially well in advance of filing.

April 15, 2014 6:15 AM
QUOTE:

Sorry to hear you're going through all that. I understand the part of not being able to find time for yourself. I am a stay at home mom and cannot find time to work out, so I can imagine how much harder it is to find time when you're working and being two parents five days a week. The stress alone will not help you with weight loss!
I haven't been working out, but I managed to lose 22 pounds in three months just by counting calories, so if you can do that, you should be able to see some progress. Try calculating TDEE minus 20% to get the calories you need for weight loss (or less than 20% if you want to lose weight slower). I do not log my foods, and I never count the calories in non-starchy vegetables. I drink water, coffee and whole milk. Lol, and there are plenty of times when I do go over the amount of calories with either pizza or ice cream, but I don't sweat it too much, I just try to do better the next day. I eat everything, I don't have a list of bad foods, but I do try to limit desserts (my weakness) and I drink coffee without sugar (I don't like artificial sweeteners). I am not saying that these are the things that will work for you, but maybe you can find a tip or two that will help you with weight loss? Different things work for different people, and I'm sure other people will let you know what worked for them as well, so out of all that you can maybe find what could work for you.

And as far as your husband is concerned, it is sad that after two kids his priority when he is home is your weight. I've had men and women 'commenting' about my fat *kitten*, too. But at the end of the day it's your (or my) fat *kitten* and if you'd like to lose the weight, make sure you do it for you and for your children, not for your husband. And if he still feels like he needs to fix something, then he should start with himself. I don't know the guy, but nobody's perfect, especially the people that have a constant need to put other people down just so they can feel better about themselves.

I wish you good luck! Try to de-stress, and take care of yourself and your children. You will lose the weight, eventually, but do it for yourself :-)


I don't understand how as a stay at home mom you don't have time to work out????

I work a full time job (overtime and on call included), take 17 credit hours at College, cook, clean, take care of 3 dogs (1 being a young puppy) and still have time to work out.

Its called time management. Learn to manage your time.

And YES, women (as well as men) should keep themselves up for their mate.
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It is called time management FOR YOU. Some of us have more personal and specific issues to deal with (that should't be discussed on a fitness forum). So please, stop assuming that every stay at home mom sits on the couch, watches tv, and eats bonbons every day.

I choose to not care about your comment because you do not know me. But your comment is insulting to women that stay at home and chose to devote themselves to people who need them 24/7.
Assuming people can just do better by 'managing time' is IGNORANT.

April 15, 2014 6:15 AM
QUOTE:

Sorry to hear you're going through all that. I understand the part of not being able to find time for yourself. I am a stay at home mom and cannot find time to work out, so I can imagine how much harder it is to find time when you're working and being two parents five days a week. The stress alone will not help you with weight loss!
I haven't been working out, but I managed to lose 22 pounds in three months just by counting calories, so if you can do that, you should be able to see some progress. Try calculating TDEE minus 20% to get the calories you need for weight loss (or less than 20% if you want to lose weight slower). I do not log my foods, and I never count the calories in non-starchy vegetables. I drink water, coffee and whole milk. Lol, and there are plenty of times when I do go over the amount of calories with either pizza or ice cream, but I don't sweat it too much, I just try to do better the next day. I eat everything, I don't have a list of bad foods, but I do try to limit desserts (my weakness) and I drink coffee without sugar (I don't like artificial sweeteners). I am not saying that these are the things that will work for you, but maybe you can find a tip or two that will help you with weight loss? Different things work for different people, and I'm sure other people will let you know what worked for them as well, so out of all that you can maybe find what could work for you.

And as far as your husband is concerned, it is sad that after two kids his priority when he is home is your weight. I've had men and women 'commenting' about my fat *kitten*, too. But at the end of the day it's your (or my) fat *kitten* and if you'd like to lose the weight, make sure you do it for you and for your children, not for your husband. And if he still feels like he needs to fix something, then he should start with himself. I don't know the guy, but nobody's perfect, especially the people that have a constant need to put other people down just so they can feel better about themselves.

I wish you good luck! Try to de-stress, and take care of yourself and your children. You will lose the weight, eventually, but do it for yourself :-)


<B>I don't understand how as a stay at home mom you don't have time to work out???? </B>

I work a full time job (overtime and on call included), take 17 credit hours at College, cook, clean, take care of 3 dogs (1 being a young puppy) and still have time to work out.

Its called time management. Learn to manage your time.

And YES, women (as well as men) should keep themselves up for their mate.
Report Post Quote Reply




It is called time management FOR YOU. Some of us have more personal and specific issues to deal with (that should't be discussed on a fitness forum). So please, stop assuming that every stay at home mom sits on the couch, watches tv, and eats bonbons every day.

I choose to not care about your comment because you do not know me. But your comment is insulting to women that stay at home and chose to devote themselves to people who need them 24/7.
Assuming people can just do better by 'managing time' is IGNORANT.

I agree, plus the OP said she works two jobs. She is not a stay at home mom.

Plus I think with children it is hard. Even stay at home moms don't have tons of free time to do whatever they want. There's lots of unscheduled demands on their time. At one time I worked a full time job and had a full load of classes and still had time to work out because I could schedule everything. People with kids can't always schedule when their kids are going to need something, and childcare is expensive and not always available.

Ok, I had a fight with my husband tonight. The jist of it is he is sick of having a fat wife that doesn't take care of herself. I think he is exaggerating a little bit. I was supermodel thin and attractive when he met me 15 years ago. I have had a pretty rough time the past several years, working two jobs and taking care of two kids. I have zero time to myself. He says it is just an excuse and I could make time. When? Quit one of my jobs? Not feed our kids? My husband works away from home and is gone five nights a week, so he is no help. He gives me no credit for what I do to keep the house hold running, and makes me feel bad on top of it that I am not maintaining a svelte figure and keeping my nails done. WT heck. I am so ripping mad I could scream. He happened to be home tonight, and watched sports all night while I did our taxes. And then he has the nerve to complain we are all slobs and don't take care of the house when he is gone (not true).
I want to lose weight and take better care of myself, but now I don't want him to think I am doing it to appease him. I have this rebellious streak in me now. He says I won't lose weight because it is just too hard ... and I am not capable of hard work. So now I don't feel like making any effort at all.
I am so beside myself I can't sleep tonight. Of course, he is snoring away upstairs.

Your weight is clearly not the real issue. I suggest couples counseling or a split.

Sounds exactly how my dad would treat my mom... Made me so angry. They are divorced now and my mom is a lot happier.

April 15, 2014 6:15 AM
QUOTE:



I don't understand how as a stay at home mom you don't have time to work out????

I work a full time job (overtime and on call included), take 17 credit hours at College, cook, clean, take care of 3 dogs (1 being a young puppy) and still have time to work out.

Its called time management. Learn to manage your time.

And YES, women (as well as men) should keep themselves up for their mate.
Report Post Quote Reply

Yes of course, it is that easy OP!
Says someone who has 3 dogs and no kids!

sarcasm, in case it wasn't obvious.

Seriously,I think you and your husband are at a cross roads OP - regardless of whether you need to lose weight or not, the way he speaks to you is not OK.
Whether you are both working hard at jobs etc or not - marriage is not a competition where whoever works hardest (or thinks they work hardest) can treat the other person rudely.
I agree his attitude will rub off on your son too - children learn by example.

I think you both need some counseling to learn better ways of communicating and to learn to treat each other with respect and work as a team together.

See weight loss as a separate issue - if you want/need to lose weight, do this for yourself and figure ways to make it work within constraints of your life.

however, I don't see losing weight as the real issue here.

I also don't see this forum as the place to address relationship issues - not because you are talking about your husband on line (you are anonymous as far as I can see - no photo or anything identifying you, so cant see people;s issue there, its not like Facebook where you are not anonymous) but because this site is geared to weight and fitness issues and not relationship issues.
Seek a counselor to do that instead and get some help from someone trained in that area..