Husband Is Mad I Am Fat
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its still an old thread
Old as in 1 day old with the OP still responding?
Of all the things said in this 1 day, everyone has said something that is some way may be considered useful.
Well, almost everybody.0 -
Hang in there, OP. It's impossible to know what's going on in your marriage or how you two speak to each other. It makes sense that you'd feel bad when someone you love voices disappointment in you. What would you tell your children to do if they said they were going to fail a school assignment because the teacher said the last one was crummy? Your health and your marriage are for you, for him, for your family.
I guess I'd tell him that you would like to work on how the two of you speak to each other. It's possible to address concerns without calling each other slobs. I hope things get better. (Just ignore generalizations being made about you as a woman and other women by people in this thread. Focus on you and what you need to make your life better. The rest of all this thread is really not your problem.)0 -
Ok, I had a fight with my husband tonight. The jist of it is he is sick of having a fat wife that doesn't take care of herself. I think he is exaggerating a little bit. I was supermodel thin and attractive when he met me 15 years ago. I have had a pretty rough time the past several years, working two jobs and taking care of two kids. I have zero time to myself. He says it is just an excuse and I could make time. When? Quit one of my jobs? Not feed our kids? My husband works away from home and is gone five nights a week, so he is no help. He gives me no credit for what I do to keep the house hold running, and makes me feel bad on top of it that I am not maintaining a svelte figure and keeping my nails done. WT heck. I am so ripping mad I could scream. He happened to be home tonight, and watched sports all night while I did our taxes. And then he has the nerve to complain we are all slobs and don't take care of the house when he is gone (not true).
I want to lose weight and take better care of myself, but now I don't want him to think I am doing it to appease him. I have this rebellious streak in me now. He says I won't lose weight because it is just too hard ... and I am not capable of hard work. So now I don't feel like making any effort at all.
I am so beside myself I can't sleep tonight. Of course, he is snoring away upstairs.
You need to do it for you, and tell him that you have had enough of his attitude. First telling you he is tired of having a "fat' wife, is not only rude, but cruel. Keep your head up, and do it for you, not him. btw when you get back to "super model" dump him LOL... j/k but he needs to love you for you, not what you look like. My husband (when we first got married) told me if I ever got fat, he would leave me, well....22 years later we both have a weight problem. and he has learned that I love him no matter what happens and he needs to do the same.0 -
I have many thoughts on this post. What bothers me more than the comments on your weight, though, are the comments about the house being messy. This seems especially thoughtless to me. When does he expect you to clean the house? Maybe you should quit being lazy and stop sleeping every night. With you working two jobs and essentially being a single mom during the week, you have enough on your plate and are doing plenty of work to support the household.
Regarding the weight, I agree with the others who say to stop making excuses. You didn't gain the weight overnight, and plenty of people just as busy as you or even busier manage to stay thin or to lose weight. However, I also think there are some psychological/emotional issues going on that you need to address. Gaining nearly two hundred pounds is not only unhealthy physically, it's a sign of emotional ill health as well. So look into that. I think you should consider counseling for yourself to get the bottom of these issues, gain self esteem, and help you learn how to control your feelings and not be so reactive. (A lot of people here said couples counseling-- I don't think that is what is needed here.) And in the meantime, start weighing and measuring your food, counting calories, logging, etc. Do this for YOU and YOUR health, and for the sake of your children. It's not about him.
If there were no children involved, I might say dump him. However, you've been together a long time and have children. You've invested a lot in this relationship, and there are other people who will be affected by divorce.
It sounds like both you and your husband are suffering enormous amounts of stress. (This could be one of the sources of your weight gain, too.) You need to find ways to reduce it and bring some fun back into your marriage.
I say sit down with him and talk to him calmly about your relationship. Stay positive, talk about the things you love about him and your relationship. Use "I messages" and say things like "I felt hurt/sad/angry when you said X about Y." This makes him less defensive. Say we are both under so much stress, I worry about our marriage. Then brainstorm about ways you can solve some of these problems. Can you hire a housecleaner? Have the kids do more chores? Send the kids to stay with grandparents for a weekend so you can have some one-on-one couple time? Cut back on your lifestyle so that you don't have to work two jobs anymore? Move so that he doesn't have to be away all week? You both need to get on the same team.
If this conversation goes poorly, or if after trying some changes things don't improve, maybe think about divorce then. But divorce takes a lot of planning-- don't just file impulsively. Really think it through and also start planning financially well in advance of filing.0 -
I think it is time to re-evaluate that marriage of yours! It is evident you work hard and he should appreciate that! Work your *kitten* off to hit your goals then rub it in his face.0
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April 15, 2014 6:15 AM
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Sorry to hear you're going through all that. I understand the part of not being able to find time for yourself. I am a stay at home mom and cannot find time to work out, so I can imagine how much harder it is to find time when you're working and being two parents five days a week. The stress alone will not help you with weight loss!
I haven't been working out, but I managed to lose 22 pounds in three months just by counting calories, so if you can do that, you should be able to see some progress. Try calculating TDEE minus 20% to get the calories you need for weight loss (or less than 20% if you want to lose weight slower). I do not log my foods, and I never count the calories in non-starchy vegetables. I drink water, coffee and whole milk. Lol, and there are plenty of times when I do go over the amount of calories with either pizza or ice cream, but I don't sweat it too much, I just try to do better the next day. I eat everything, I don't have a list of bad foods, but I do try to limit desserts (my weakness) and I drink coffee without sugar (I don't like artificial sweeteners). I am not saying that these are the things that will work for you, but maybe you can find a tip or two that will help you with weight loss? Different things work for different people, and I'm sure other people will let you know what worked for them as well, so out of all that you can maybe find what could work for you.
And as far as your husband is concerned, it is sad that after two kids his priority when he is home is your weight. I've had men and women 'commenting' about my fat *kitten*, too. But at the end of the day it's your (or my) fat *kitten* and if you'd like to lose the weight, make sure you do it for you and for your children, not for your husband. And if he still feels like he needs to fix something, then he should start with himself. I don't know the guy, but nobody's perfect, especially the people that have a constant need to put other people down just so they can feel better about themselves.
I wish you good luck! Try to de-stress, and take care of yourself and your children. You will lose the weight, eventually, but do it for yourself :-)
I don't understand how as a stay at home mom you don't have time to work out????
I work a full time job (overtime and on call included), take 17 credit hours at College, cook, clean, take care of 3 dogs (1 being a young puppy) and still have time to work out.
Its called time management. Learn to manage your time.
And YES, women (as well as men) should keep themselves up for their mate.
Report Post Quote Reply
It is called time management FOR YOU. Some of us have more personal and specific issues to deal with (that should't be discussed on a fitness forum). So please, stop assuming that every stay at home mom sits on the couch, watches tv, and eats bonbons every day.
I choose to not care about your comment because you do not know me. But your comment is insulting to women that stay at home and chose to devote themselves to people who need them 24/7.
Assuming people can just do better by 'managing time' is IGNORANT.0 -
I have to say, he's wrong.
Working as hard as you do, providing for your children, and caring for them is multiple full time jobs. You deserve praise for that.
Echoing what was said above; it sounds like there's deeper issues, and the way he is treating you is not okay. You shouldn't be spoken to in that manner at all.0 -
April 15, 2014 6:15 AM
QUOTE:
Sorry to hear you're going through all that. I understand the part of not being able to find time for yourself. I am a stay at home mom and cannot find time to work out, so I can imagine how much harder it is to find time when you're working and being two parents five days a week. The stress alone will not help you with weight loss!
I haven't been working out, but I managed to lose 22 pounds in three months just by counting calories, so if you can do that, you should be able to see some progress. Try calculating TDEE minus 20% to get the calories you need for weight loss (or less than 20% if you want to lose weight slower). I do not log my foods, and I never count the calories in non-starchy vegetables. I drink water, coffee and whole milk. Lol, and there are plenty of times when I do go over the amount of calories with either pizza or ice cream, but I don't sweat it too much, I just try to do better the next day. I eat everything, I don't have a list of bad foods, but I do try to limit desserts (my weakness) and I drink coffee without sugar (I don't like artificial sweeteners). I am not saying that these are the things that will work for you, but maybe you can find a tip or two that will help you with weight loss? Different things work for different people, and I'm sure other people will let you know what worked for them as well, so out of all that you can maybe find what could work for you.
And as far as your husband is concerned, it is sad that after two kids his priority when he is home is your weight. I've had men and women 'commenting' about my fat *kitten*, too. But at the end of the day it's your (or my) fat *kitten* and if you'd like to lose the weight, make sure you do it for you and for your children, not for your husband. And if he still feels like he needs to fix something, then he should start with himself. I don't know the guy, but nobody's perfect, especially the people that have a constant need to put other people down just so they can feel better about themselves.
I wish you good luck! Try to de-stress, and take care of yourself and your children. You will lose the weight, eventually, but do it for yourself :-)
<B>I don't understand how as a stay at home mom you don't have time to work out???? </B>
I work a full time job (overtime and on call included), take 17 credit hours at College, cook, clean, take care of 3 dogs (1 being a young puppy) and still have time to work out.
Its called time management. Learn to manage your time.
And YES, women (as well as men) should keep themselves up for their mate.
Report Post Quote Reply
It is called time management FOR YOU. Some of us have more personal and specific issues to deal with (that should't be discussed on a fitness forum). So please, stop assuming that every stay at home mom sits on the couch, watches tv, and eats bonbons every day.
I choose to not care about your comment because you do not know me. But your comment is insulting to women that stay at home and chose to devote themselves to people who need them 24/7.
Assuming people can just do better by 'managing time' is IGNORANT.
I agree, plus the OP said she works two jobs. She is not a stay at home mom.
Plus I think with children it is hard. Even stay at home moms don't have tons of free time to do whatever they want. There's lots of unscheduled demands on their time. At one time I worked a full time job and had a full load of classes and still had time to work out because I could schedule everything. People with kids can't always schedule when their kids are going to need something, and childcare is expensive and not always available.0 -
After being married for a long time it isn't uncommon for there to be some degree of discontentment. I'm sure that there are a lot of things that he would like you to work on and perhaps there are a list of things you would like HIM to work on. It sounds like communication is either lacking or not being done in an effective way. I would never suggest re-evaluating your marriage, but this may be a sign that improvements are needed on both sides and counseling can be a great way to enhance communication and discuss each other's feelings in a constructive way.
Regardless of the relationship status, you have to realize that sabotaging yourself because you are upset with what someone says isn't going to benefit you at all. Weight loss and being healthy is something you should do for you. I understand that it may make you feel bitter to slim down and give your husband the idea it was his negative words that inspired you to do so, but you can't let that stop you from making changes that will benefit YOU. Maybe you could talk to him about ways that he could encourage you without making you feel bad or degraded. Men in general (sorry guys) aren't the best communicators. My own husband comes off as jerk more often than he means to and it's because he simply has a hard time articulating his feelings without being blunt and to the point, which often feels abrasive. Hopefully this can turn into something where you both can work together on your health and relationship. Good luck!0 -
Ok, I had a fight with my husband tonight. The jist of it is he is sick of having a fat wife that doesn't take care of herself. I think he is exaggerating a little bit. I was supermodel thin and attractive when he met me 15 years ago. I have had a pretty rough time the past several years, working two jobs and taking care of two kids. I have zero time to myself. He says it is just an excuse and I could make time. When? Quit one of my jobs? Not feed our kids? My husband works away from home and is gone five nights a week, so he is no help. He gives me no credit for what I do to keep the house hold running, and makes me feel bad on top of it that I am not maintaining a svelte figure and keeping my nails done. WT heck. I am so ripping mad I could scream. He happened to be home tonight, and watched sports all night while I did our taxes. And then he has the nerve to complain we are all slobs and don't take care of the house when he is gone (not true).
I want to lose weight and take better care of myself, but now I don't want him to think I am doing it to appease him. I have this rebellious streak in me now. He says I won't lose weight because it is just too hard ... and I am not capable of hard work. So now I don't feel like making any effort at all.
I am so beside myself I can't sleep tonight. Of course, he is snoring away upstairs.
Your weight is clearly not the real issue. I suggest couples counseling or a split.0 -
Thanks for making me laugh, newmeadow! Yes, I have two kids. One's a teen and the other is in second grade. I have a part-time teaching job (online) which keeps me up most nights pretty late, grading work and answering emails. I also have a cubicle job during the week. Husband thinks I should quit the teaching gig, but we are always short every month after paying debts so that is out of the question. He thinks it is an excuse. Whatever. Maybe I should just get real large and collect disability. Haha.
I enjoyed your response, thanks!0 -
Thanks, newmeadow! Yeah, having a spouse and kids is definitely a huge undertaking. Half the time people get divorced, which makes marriage a pretty big risk. Bottomline is, it is a major headache. I am working on ditching the cubicle hell, and might figure it out eventually. It is like plotting to get out of jail. Really, that difficult. But I suppose it is not impossible if I am persistent. Who knows what can happen in a year or five. The husband hasn't called me in two days. It's a record. I am SO impressed I am beside myself. I suppose he is trying to punish me for b****ing at him. He is a typical stonewaller. I'm used to it. I don't know if it will last between us. I am a loyal person who would never initiate divorce unless he cheats. But it's apparent he has checked out. Oh well. No good chasing after him, I suppose. Thanks again. You are very funny.
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April 15, 2014 6:15 AM
QUOTE:
Sorry to hear you're going through all that. I understand the part of not being able to find time for yourself. I am a stay at home mom and cannot find time to work out, so I can imagine how much harder it is to find time when you're working and being two parents five days a week. The stress alone will not help you with weight loss!
I haven't been working out, but I managed to lose 22 pounds in three months just by counting calories, so if you can do that, you should be able to see some progress. Try calculating TDEE minus 20% to get the calories you need for weight loss (or less than 20% if you want to lose weight slower). I do not log my foods, and I never count the calories in non-starchy vegetables. I drink water, coffee and whole milk. Lol, and there are plenty of times when I do go over the amount of calories with either pizza or ice cream, but I don't sweat it too much, I just try to do better the next day. I eat everything, I don't have a list of bad foods, but I do try to limit desserts (my weakness) and I drink coffee without sugar (I don't like artificial sweeteners). I am not saying that these are the things that will work for you, but maybe you can find a tip or two that will help you with weight loss? Different things work for different people, and I'm sure other people will let you know what worked for them as well, so out of all that you can maybe find what could work for you.
And as far as your husband is concerned, it is sad that after two kids his priority when he is home is your weight. I've had men and women 'commenting' about my fat *kitten*, too. But at the end of the day it's your (or my) fat *kitten* and if you'd like to lose the weight, make sure you do it for you and for your children, not for your husband. And if he still feels like he needs to fix something, then he should start with himself. I don't know the guy, but nobody's perfect, especially the people that have a constant need to put other people down just so they can feel better about themselves.
I wish you good luck! Try to de-stress, and take care of yourself and your children. You will lose the weight, eventually, but do it for yourself :-)
<B>I don't understand how as a stay at home mom you don't have time to work out???? </B>
I work a full time job (overtime and on call included), take 17 credit hours at College, cook, clean, take care of 3 dogs (1 being a young puppy) and still have time to work out.
Its called time management. Learn to manage your time.
And YES, women (as well as men) should keep themselves up for their mate.
Report Post Quote Reply
It is called time management FOR YOU. Some of us have more personal and specific issues to deal with (that should't be discussed on a fitness forum). So please, stop assuming that every stay at home mom sits on the couch, watches tv, and eats bonbons every day.
I choose to not care about your comment because you do not know me. But your comment is insulting to women that stay at home and chose to devote themselves to people who need them 24/7.
Assuming people can just do better by 'managing time' is IGNORANT.
I agree, plus the OP said she works two jobs. She is not a stay at home mom.
Plus I think with children it is hard. Even stay at home moms don't have tons of free time to do whatever they want. There's lots of unscheduled demands on their time. At one time I worked a full time job and had a full load of classes and still had time to work out because I could schedule everything. People with kids can't always schedule when their kids are going to need something, and childcare is expensive and not always available.
Thank you! Hey person with three dogs, NEWSFLASH but dogs? Not the same as kids! You can lock yours away in a room or outside and workout whenever you please. You can't do that with kids. I have a toddler and I have to attempt to work out if and when she decides she'll nap. Some days she doesn't and I wait until she goes to bed. Point being, if she were a dog, I'd be fit as hell. Working out with animals at your feet and working out and having a toddler wake up from a nap hungry and needing a diaper is entirely different.
A mom with two jobs? Hella respect for you lady. My SO works away from home as well, and it's hard. I work harder being at home now than I did when I worked a full time job as well.0 -
newmeadow, Thank you for the empathy!! Yes, relationships are so incredibly difficult. Men and women just do not communicate in the same way. Even understanding and studying those differences doesn't save people from following destructive communication patterns. I am sure my husband is not even thinking of me right now. I don't know what he's doing right now, but he's probably enjoying himself. That's the difference between men and women. And here I sit, with one browser open to my schoolwork and another open to myfitnesspal, watching some stupid cartoon with my daughter, with a massive headache and laundry to fold, just disturbed as hell that he hasn't called. I suppose there is not a thing I can do about it so why bother to dwell. Maybe our relationship has finally reached the point of no return. Who the hell knows. I guess my best course of action is to just concentrate on myself. Thanks for your notes! I enjoyed reading them and am grateful for the kind words.0
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rainbow, Thank you for your note!! Thank goodness I don't have any dogs, though I might enjoy one. Thanks for understanding!
j0 -
Sounds exactly how my dad would treat my mom... Made me so angry. They are divorced now and my mom is a lot happier.0
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I have had a pretty rough time the past several years, working two jobs and taking care of two kids.
You're married but work two jobs as the mother of two minor children?
That's some arrangement you got there.
A couple of double chins and a fat butt would be the least of my concerns if I were in that situation.
As a matter of fact you should gain weight and lots of it. Become disabled and then collect your SSI checks.
Then stay home and get a little rest.
What kind of thing is that to say? I raised two daughters entirely alone, from time they were 2 and 1 until they went off to college. During that time, I often had two jobs. . . taught public school all day. . . taught community college classes at night. I also get the kids to the orthodontist, piano lessons, track practice, drama club, student council. . . made it to their parent conferences, and made a reasonable attempt to cook and clean.
You make it sound as if anyone who attempts to do that is crazy. Some of did not have a choice.
My God lady.0 -
April 15, 2014 6:15 AM
QUOTE:
I don't understand how as a stay at home mom you don't have time to work out????
I work a full time job (overtime and on call included), take 17 credit hours at College, cook, clean, take care of 3 dogs (1 being a young puppy) and still have time to work out.
Its called time management. Learn to manage your time.
And YES, women (as well as men) should keep themselves up for their mate.
Report Post Quote Reply
Yes of course, it is that easy OP!
Says someone who has 3 dogs and no kids!
sarcasm, in case it wasn't obvious.
Seriously,I think you and your husband are at a cross roads OP - regardless of whether you need to lose weight or not, the way he speaks to you is not OK.
Whether you are both working hard at jobs etc or not - marriage is not a competition where whoever works hardest (or thinks they work hardest) can treat the other person rudely.
I agree his attitude will rub off on your son too - children learn by example.
I think you both need some counseling to learn better ways of communicating and to learn to treat each other with respect and work as a team together.
See weight loss as a separate issue - if you want/need to lose weight, do this for yourself and figure ways to make it work within constraints of your life.
however, I don't see losing weight as the real issue here.
I also don't see this forum as the place to address relationship issues - not because you are talking about your husband on line (you are anonymous as far as I can see - no photo or anything identifying you, so cant see people;s issue there, its not like Facebook where you are not anonymous) but because this site is geared to weight and fitness issues and not relationship issues.
Seek a counselor to do that instead and get some help from someone trained in that area..0 -
He sounds like he wants you to feel bad about yourself. Don't let him have that power. Figure out when you can get in a workout and do it for you. Maybe he's not the right person for your life partner?0
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Don't worry, newmeadow, the element of jest was not lost on me. I laughed out loud at your first post.
Jasmine0
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