Men... out of curiosity... why...
Replies
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I think, usually, they are trying to avoid uncomfortable conversations and situations. It is easier to ignore a woman, or be a jerk and let her start acting crazy until she gets fed up and breaks it off, than to have an uncomfortable conversation. Also, many men will absolutely string a woman along for sex. From what I can tell, they tend to convince themselves that this is what she wants too, and of course there are people who really do mutually enjoy booty-call relationships. If a man is really right for you, he won't do that stuff. I suggest moving on and meeting someone right for you if you find yourself in a situation where you feel like someone is toying with your emotions. Even if it is just poor communication, something isn't working.0
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OP, I suggest reading the book Sperm Wars. It explains the evolutionary reasons behind the actions of both sexes. There is a lot of stuff happening subconsciously.
Thanks. I'll have to check that out. I believe there probably is a biological component to it, as well.
"Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus" is also a good book. Obviously, none of these theories are cut and dry, but it provides an excellent jumping off point for further analysis.0 -
Maybe this will help...
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:
''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: "I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.”
And Roger is thinking: “Gosh. Six months”.
And Elaine is thinking: “But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?”
And Roger is thinking: . . . “so that means it was . . . let's see . ...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . .Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.”
And Elaine is thinking: “He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.”
And Roger is thinking: “And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not changing gear right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's late spring, and this thing is changing like a damn rubbish truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.”
And Elaine is thinking: “He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.”
And Roger is thinking: “They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.”
And Elaine is thinking: “Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.”
And Roger is thinking: “Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their.... ..”
“Roger,” Elaine says aloud.
“What?” says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh God,
I feel so .... .'' (She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of chips, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.
A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing tennis one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'1 -
Most men don't want drama in their life, so if a guy is "playin" with a females emotions, it's for ego. Knowing that he has control of the situation is his kick.
I usually find this with guys from 18 years old to about 25 years old.
IMO, most guys just want to eat and have sex.
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
I think a lot of the time they don't do it intentionally, they just don't think. They claim to not understand us but I think there's a difference between can't and don't want to. But that goes for men and women, and of course not everyone is like that. I've been guilty of doing that to guys in the past too though. maybe cause it's been done to me so many times. All I know is I'm screwed up beyond belief now and the though of entering into a relationship sends me head first into a bottle of tequila. :drinker:
The fallacy in that argument is that nothing can be done with intent and yet be done without thought.0 -
Anything I've ever done with a woman has involved luck and confusion.
As soon as I think I understand, it turns out I don't.
:laugh: Real talk right here. Agreed.0 -
Then there is the other side of the coin, where you clearly state your non-intentions, make it very plain that you are not after a serious relationship and reiterate it several times, and they still insist that they "can make you happy if you give them a chance" and insist the two of you are "made for each other" then get extremely hateful and nasty when they finally realize you are not going to fall in love them just because they will it to happen.
It is not right lead people on, but it's just as important to frigging LISTEN to what they are telling you, verbally or otherwise.0 -
My guess is it starts out as inadvertent then they realize they are doing it but at that point it's too late and maybe they like whatever they are getting out of it (sex?) and therefor even though they feel bad, or know they'll feel bad later, they keep doing it.0
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Maybe this will help...
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:
''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: "I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.”
And Roger is thinking: “Gosh. Six months”.
And Elaine is thinking: “But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?”
And Roger is thinking: . . . “so that means it was . . . let's see . ...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . .Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.”
And Elaine is thinking: “He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.”
And Roger is thinking: “And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not changing gear right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's late spring, and this thing is changing like a damn rubbish truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.”
And Elaine is thinking: “He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.”
And Roger is thinking: “They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.”
And Elaine is thinking: “Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.”
And Roger is thinking: “Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their.... ..”
“Roger,” Elaine says aloud.
“What?” says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh God,
I feel so .... .'' (She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of chips, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.
A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing tennis one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'
Haha, I saw this on FB, and it is actually pretty accurate!0 -
Women, being emotional creatures, have a tendency to be more susceptible to this.
That's not true. Men are just as - if not more - emotional than women, they just go to further lengths to hide it because somewhere along the line being emotional became seen as a 'feminine' trait.0 -
Women, being emotional creatures, have a tendency to be more susceptible to this.
That's not true. Men are just as - if not more - emotional than women, they just go to further lengths to hide it because somewhere along the line being emotional became seen as a 'feminine' trait.
^^^ so true!!!
although the above post didn't say men were not as emotional as women (sorry to be pedantic!)0 -
That about say's it all. Pretty darn good analogy.0
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Some men channel those emotions into uncontrollable aggression and violence instead of fits of crying and whining. Boys are usually raised to adapt and overcome, no whining, no crying, win win win your team is counting on you, punch through that line I don't care who you hurt just win
Women, being emotional creatures, have a tendency to be more susceptible to this.
That's not true. Men are just as - if not more - emotional than women, they just go to further lengths to hide it because somewhere along the line being emotional became seen as a 'feminine' trait.0 -
i have a friend who is single. He's 37 and has never been married and does not have any children. Until recently, he was in relationships, sometimes for years, but nothing I would consider serious (though he is in one now).
As he dated around, I would see him do things that could be construed as "playing with emotions" and they were, almost always, unintentional and (for the lack of a better term) selfish of him. I had to be his conscience on somethings and ask him "how would ____ feel?" because he just didn't think about it, for whatever reason. Sometimes, and again unintentionally but, maybe, subconsciously, it appeared that he was testing boundaries. How much could he get away with before it was putting a relationship in jeopardy?
If i were to guess, there are a combination of things that lead to this for his situation. 1) he was an only child that was adopted by his parents. So he was tremendously spoiled as a child and may have learned that people should bend to his needs. 2) immaturity/unready - he knew he didn't want to get married to these women, so he wasn't emotionally invested in them 3) professionally focused. He was primarily focused on his career success for quite some time. Now that he is pretty established, and that is self-sustaining, he seems to have a better capacity for a relationship.
I don't want it all to sound like he is a bad guy. He is one of my best friends, and is definitely there when I need him. But I also recognize that his relationship with me and his other friends was still different than with the women he dated.0 -
Why would you play with a woman's emotions? Speaking for myself; I don't.
What do you gain from it? I can't imagine a plus side to deliberately marginalizing someone's feeling. Especially someone you are in a relationship with and, purportedly, care about.
Do you find that you do it unintentionally? Everybody makes mistakes, but, if I hurt someone I care about it, it was definitely unintentional.
Do you correct your behavior once you realized that you have inadvertently lead a woman on? I don't lead a woman on. I may flirt with a person, but everyone knows I am true to my wife. Now that I have seen the last question, I realize that I'm not the demographic you were seeking.
This says it pretty clearly0 -
finally I found a wise womanI hate when men are generalized like this. You can't group a persons behaviors or intentions based on whether they have a **** or not.
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Women, being emotional creatures, have a tendency to be more susceptible to this.
That's not true. Men are just as - if not more - emotional than women, they just go to further lengths to hide it because somewhere along the line being emotional became seen as a 'feminine' trait.
^^^ so true!!!
although the above post didn't say men were not as emotional as women (sorry to be pedantic!)
Agreed.
Having picked up the pieces of a heartbroken son and attempted to put them back together into a somewhat human shape (one of the toughest things I've done as a parent), I can tell you that men are perfectly capable of and experience the full range of emotions. I do not get how people can think otherwise, except that many men tend to hide their emotions in order to not be perceived in a socially unacceptable way. That is an act that in itself is evidence of a deep emotional life.
My life is surrounded by men, and has been for 20 years. I'm married to one and have 2 sons, who are both now adult aged. They are not driven solely by a desire for sex (really people? that's ridiculous), but are in fact fully fledged humans with emotional and social lives, who care about others and sometimes can be selfish or unthinking, because: human.0 -
Or... or... they guy is just a friendly person and the woman misjudged 'niceness' as 'interest'.** If passive behavior is interpreted as 'leading-on' then that's all on the person who feels lead-on.
I've had this scenario play out a couple of times and it became very uncomfortable when the pursuit continues even after clear 'not interested' signals have been given.
** Obviously, this isn't a gender-specific scenario - many a man has thought a women was into him just because she was just being friendly.0 -
Why would you play with a woman's emotions? What do you gain from it? Do you find that you do it unintentionally? Do you correct your behavior once you realized that you have inadvertently lead a woman on?
I suppose the same can be true of women who lead on men, but I'm curious about the male perspective of this. Women, being emotional creatures, have a tendency to be more susceptible to this.
Being a grown-up I don't play with anyone's emotions. As a male who is not emotionally stunted I have had MY emotions played with. A hazard of actually having feelings and a soul is that you can be taken advantage of...
It is all worth it now as I am in a very fulfilling relationship with my wife of 12 years and the only one who ever plays with my emotions is my 2 year old as I'm pretty sure she's angling for a puppy.0 -
I hate when men are generalized like this. You can't group a persons behaviors or intentions based on whether they have a **** or not.
Okay... but I didn't suggest that all men do it. I was asking why those that do behave this way.
No one made any generalizations about men.
Actually, based on your "Topic", you did.0 -
But, women, by nature, are emotional so I think they are more likely to have their emotions used against them.
Women, being emotional creatures by nature, are far more likely to use emotion against men to get what they want. And are much better at it.
Not meaning to generalize, because I know not all women are like that. But I've met, and been played by, more than my share.0 -
Maybe this will help...
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:
''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: "I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.”
And Roger is thinking: “Gosh. Six months”.
And Elaine is thinking: “But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?”
And Roger is thinking: . . . “so that means it was . . . let's see . ...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . .Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.”
And Elaine is thinking: “He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.”
And Roger is thinking: “And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not changing gear right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's late spring, and this thing is changing like a damn rubbish truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.”
And Elaine is thinking: “He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.”
And Roger is thinking: “They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.”
And Elaine is thinking: “Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.”
And Roger is thinking: “Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their.... ..”
“Roger,” Elaine says aloud.
“What?” says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh God,
I feel so .... .'' (She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of chips, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.
A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing tennis one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'
This is so TRUE! I am laughing my *kitten* off!0 -
Just want to point out: the "leading on" is all a matter of perception. The woman who feels she was "led on" is hypothesizing that I was suggesting a romantic interest in her that I perhaps never felt or intended.
Many guys (not all...don't jump all over me if you're one of the empathic ones!) aren't always picking up on the subtleties of when a woman is revealing an interest beyond mere friendliness. In other words, if you genuinely don't understand that a woman is interested in you as "more than friends" you don't make any efforts to make it crystal clear that your inclinations don't follow that same path.
All that having been said..if you're a guy and you KNOW the girl is romantically interested and string her along without any intention beyond either one night stand/booty call or backup arm candy when you find yourself without a plus one for an event, then you're a d-bag.
Thank you, drive through....
ETA: This is all pretty theoretical on my part at this stage. I've been married now for over a decade and assume that no females are seeing me in that capacity at this point. :laugh:0 -
I think this says what I was saying in a much funnier way. Kudos..Maybe this will help...
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:
''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: "I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.”
And Roger is thinking: “Gosh. Six months”.
And Elaine is thinking: “But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?”
And Roger is thinking: . . . “so that means it was . . . let's see . ...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . .Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.”
And Elaine is thinking: “He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.”
And Roger is thinking: “And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not changing gear right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's late spring, and this thing is changing like a damn rubbish truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.”
And Elaine is thinking: “He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.”
And Roger is thinking: “They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.”
And Elaine is thinking: “Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.”
And Roger is thinking: “Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their.... ..”
“Roger,” Elaine says aloud.
“What?” says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh God,
I feel so .... .'' (She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
''That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of chips, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.
A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing tennis one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'
This is so TRUE! I am laughing my *kitten* off!0 -
If a woman tells a man she's not interested - he'll generally say 'ok' & move on.
If a man tells a woman he's not interested - she'll ask 'why?'
If he doesn't want to hurt her feelings he'll state 'I don't feel ready for a relationship right now/I wouldn't want to ruin our friendship". He'll say this to let her down easy. She'll delude herself they may have a chance at 'the right' time. She'll then be hurt, angry, upset when it proves not to be the case.
*Obviously this is just one scenario & certainly doesn't apply to everyone.0 -
I hate when men are generalized like this. You can't group a persons behaviors or intentions based on whether they have a **** or not.
Okay... but I didn't suggest that all men do it. I was asking why those that do behave this way.
No one made any generalizations about men.
Actually, based on your "Topic", you did.
Yes, but in the OP, I stated that I was aware that women do it too. And then in a later post, I also stated that I am aware that real men don't behave this way, but that my question was geared toward adult males that do.
*ETA - The gif is meant to be funny and not meant to be snarky... I just love it and thought it seemed to fit with my response.0 -
Chances are good it's not intentional. It's a lack of awareness of their own behaviors and the fact that others have feelings at all. Most of the men I have encountered with these behaviors are quite self absorbed. Shocker.
ETA: That doesn't make it right ... just my observation over the last 20 years.
^^ agree with this.0 -
I hate when men are generalized like this. You can't group a persons behaviors or intentions based on whether they have a **** or not.
Okay... but I didn't suggest that all men do it. I was asking why those that do behave this way.
No one made any generalizations about men.
Actually, based on your "Topic", you did.
If you read the entire OP, she clarified that it does not only apply to men.0 -
I hate when men are generalized like this. You can't group a persons behaviors or intentions based on whether they have a **** or not.
Okay... but I didn't suggest that all men do it. I was asking why those that do behave this way.
No one made any generalizations about men.
Actually, based on your "Topic", you did.
Yes, but in the OP, I stated that I was aware that women do it too. And then in a later post, I also stated that I am aware that real men don't behave this way, but that my question was geared toward adult males that do.
*ETA - The gif is meant to be funny and not meant to be snarky... I just love it and thought it seemed to fit with my response.
You got me there. Gotta be careful with a quickly read "Topic" response. And, the gif was a very good exclamation point...good stuff!0 -
I hate when men are generalized like this. You can't group a persons behaviors or intentions based on whether they have a **** or not.
Okay... but I didn't suggest that all men do it. I was asking why those that do behave this way.
No one made any generalizations about men.
Actually, based on your "Topic", you did.
Yes, but in the OP, I stated that I was aware that women do it too. And then in a later post, I also stated that I am aware that real men don't behave this way, but that my question was geared toward adult males that do.
*ETA - The gif is meant to be funny and not meant to be snarky... I just love it and thought it seemed to fit with my response.
You got me there. Gotta be careful with a quickly read "Topic" response. And, the gif was a very good exclamation point...good stuff!
Haha, I did that several times before I started remembering to read the entire OP. 0
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