I hate myself.

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IlluminatedMayhem
IlluminatedMayhem Posts: 177
in Motivation and Support
I originally started trying to lose weight over 3 years ago. I lost 15 lbs then we had deaths in the family and then I got pregnant. I lost weight while pregnant but I ballooned up while breastfeeding.

January of 2013, we were living with my husband's aunt and I started P90X. I lost 20 lbs but she picked on me incessantly every work out, so I quit. After we moved out, I became pregnant again and again lost weight. Our second daughter was born December 26. Despite the fact we lost our scale in one of our moves I knew I was gaining weight, so I had my husband go out and buy a scale.

At 302.6 lbs, I am the heaviest I've ever been and 40 lbs bigger than I was the day I checked into the hospital to have the baby. I feel disgusting and I hate myself. My husband doesn't get it. He thinks his love should be enough. I can hardly keep up with our 2-year-old and I'm definitely not the mom I envisioned myself being. I hate going out in public because I feel like I'm being judged by everyone.

I tried to start dieting today but I failed miserably. I can't believe I let myself get like this.
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Replies

  • Starhaven
    Starhaven Posts: 9 Member
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    It's important to be gentle with yourself. You're here now and that's what's important.

    Every day you eat healthy or every hour - that's something good you've done for yourself and every walk that you take - you are moving towards heath. It's not just the scale that's important. It's the small steps.

    Get yourself a walking buddy. Measure yourself and don't just look at the scale. I came back here about a month ago and haven't lost much but have lost 2 inches on my bust and 1 inch on my hips. That keeps me motivated. I'm just figuring things out - how much I can eat or not, etc.

    Good luck to you. Take it one hour at a time.
  • silencioesoro
    silencioesoro Posts: 318 Member
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    Just because you failed today doesn't mean you'll fail tomorrow. Tomorrow, resolve to eat one healthy meal, something small that you can keep building up on. Definitely measure yourself, I wish I had done that because there was a long period where I plateaued - the measurements would have helped then.

    Take it one step at a time, envision a pair of jeans or a dress you'd like to fit in - that'll be a better goal. Unless you're like me, and you need numbers, then make a goal of a small weigh loss every couple weeks until you're satisified.

    You have your children, you do for them and for yourself. Your husband will get with the program when he sees you're happier. <3
  • sabinekiwi
    sabinekiwi Posts: 23 Member
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    small steps! I know ... I find it so hard, too. but when i log in here I find that there are many like me :-) we are not giving up.
  • hkristine1
    hkristine1 Posts: 950 Member
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    While it is good that you are recognizing a need to make a lifestyle change, beating yourself up isn't going to help. This website is GREAT for motivation, finding friends, staying strong. Log in every day. EVERY day (well, at least every day that it is reasonably possible - and don't beat yourself up if you miss a day, but do try to get on every day - you'll have more success).

    Also, remember, it took you years to get to where you are - it is going to take time to lose the weight, too... but it is possible. People on here do it all the time. Look at the success stories to see it - these are real people who have fought hard and found success. You can, too.

    And forget someone who mocks you for your abilities in working out - at least you're doing something!

    I wish you the very best in this journey!
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,741 Member
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    Maybe you can make this your thing - your little source of success when you lose a bit of weight or inches, your part of life that you can control, neatly lined up logs of food every single day meeting your goals.

    Try to stop thinking of it in black/white terms like failing/succeeding. Plan for the long term...think, "this is what I do now and in a year I hope to be down a couple of sizes in pants and in 2 years I'll be even closer to my goal". Don't set yourself up to fail. Don't look at one chocolate bar or burger as a failure...just make it fit into an overall healthy diet!

    It sounds like you do have a loving & caring husband even if may not understand your struggle or the best way to support you. Communicate with him about it so he knows what you are trying to achieve.

    While I am not a mother, I did start out at my heaviest weight of 307 lb back in 2008 and now I am starting to wear ladies size 12...I hadn't worn that since 6th or 7th grade, I had been over 200 lb since age 15. I do not say that to brag, believe me...I say that because honestly throughout my late teens and twenties and especially early thirties I would have thought it would be impossible for me to lose this much weight. AND throughout the past several years while I have been slowly, and then more quickly losing weight with MFP...I have endured a lot, like a tornado that destroyed my home, a couple of major moves, a divorce, multiple job changes, several family deaths (including a year of my MIL's terminal cancer and then her husband's suicide right after), and more that I won't even bring up...again I don't say any of this to brag on myself but to try and make a point that stuff like that doesn't necessarily have to derail you! And even if it does, for a little while, try to make it into something that just keeps you at a steady weight for awhile...maintaining is ALWAYS better than gaining!

    I truly wish you all the best!!!
  • Rowood101
    Rowood101 Posts: 98 Member
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    Tomorrow you' ll do better and then it will get easier. Read the message boards and get inspiration from others. We all started one day and we've all slipped up along the way. Best of luck!
  • Divashrink1982
    Divashrink1982 Posts: 8 Member
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    You're in the right place, OP!

    I'm sorry that you're struggling so much. I have struggled with trying to figure out the food thing (for me, this has meant going back and forth between restricting and not caring at all) for well over a decade. Neither one of those has worked for me, and I need to do this to find out what moderation looks like for me and to be a better example for my son.

    For me, breaking things down into smaller goals has helped some - for example, increasing fruits or vegetables; doing just a little physical activity, eating less in the evening; trying to stay within my calorie goal for the day. I'm down around 15 lbs (depending on the day) since February, and I haven't done anything that I'm not willing to do for the rest of my life. That might not sound like a lot of weight (and there's definitely people here who know weight loss WAY better than I do) - but it's the most weight I have ever lost in a healthy manner in that time period in my life. So, I'll take it.

    Remember also the good things that your body can do - you carried and gave birth to two kids! That is amazing!

    You mentioned nursing your first kiddo - I don't know whether or not you are nursing your second or not, but I'm a nursing mom, for what it's worth.

    Feel free to add me as a friend, if you're looking for friends.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    Do this quiz first and then come back and say what it gives you.

    http://iifym.com/tdee-calculator/
  • Breathe234
    Breathe234 Posts: 15 Member
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    Don't do it. Don't hate yourself. That makes everything worse.
    Where you are is one of the hardest places. Your babies are so demanding and your husband-most men really don't understand. The concept of pants making you look fat is foreign to most of them
    First things first-lose 3 pounds. Bet you can lose that in 2 days if you eat fruit for breakfast, drink 8 glasses of water each day.
    Three pounds gives you a new first number.

    There are websites like flylady.com that can help you. I didn't follow her as religiously as I could have but her tips made a difference and made me a happier mom.

    If you can, take your babies walking-aim for 15 minutes one way, 15 minutes back.

    I am mad at myself today so when I came to the boards-which I've done maybe five times-I was looking for motivation.

    I say we both keep trying. Tomorrow is another day. I am going to start it with a glass of water.
  • PennyVonDread
    PennyVonDread Posts: 432 Member
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    You are not more or less valuable as a human just because of your weight. You are not less deserving of respect or dignity just because of your weight. You are not lacking in humanity, compassion, or morality just because of your weight. You are not a bad person, mother, or significant other just because of your weight. You are not your weight! You are not a number!

    You have value and are loved and are number 1 unconditionally and especially in the eyes of your kids.


    It's okay to not be happy with your body, but don't be hateful. People take better care of things they love. If you feel bad and feel being smaller is healthier and is better, then takes small steps until you get there. You live in the body you inhabit right now. You need to respect yourself and find some level of comfort with yourself throughout the whole process, or you will waste away emotionally and mentally trying to live in the hypothetical "skinny" future and be constantly disappointed in the state of your body as it stands. Your body can do amazing things as it is right now.

    This is a supportive community environment. We will be here to listen and share our experiences with you, help answer your questions when we can, and get you where you want to be over time. It is a process, but it is possible.

    Just don't forget to take care of yourself, see the good in yourself, and realize you want to change not because you hate yourself, but because you care about yourself enough to work towards what you feel is a better life.
  • Starhaven
    Starhaven Posts: 9 Member
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    You are not more or less valuable as a human just because of your weight. You are not less deserving of respect or dignity just because of your weight. You are not lacking in humanity, compassion, or morality just because of your weight. You are not a bad person, mother, or significant other just because of your weight. You are not your weight! You are not a number!

    You have value and are loved and are number 1 unconditionally and especially in the eyes of your kids.


    It's okay to not be happy with your body, but don't be hateful. People take better care of things they love. If you feel bad and feel being smaller is healthier and is better, then takes small steps until you get there. You live in the body you inhabit right now. You need to respect yourself and find some level of comfort with yourself throughout the whole process, or you will waste away emotionally and mentally trying to live in the hypothetical "skinny" future and be constantly disappointed in the state of your body as it stands. Your body can do amazing things as it is right now.

    This is a supportive community environment. We will be here to listen and share our experiences with you, help answer your questions when we can, and get you where you want to be over time. It is a process, but it is possible.

    Just don't forget to take care of yourself, see the good in yourself, and realize you want to change not because you hate yourself, but because you care about yourself enough to work towards what you feel is a better life.

    What a lovely person you are, Penny.
  • healingnurtrer
    healingnurtrer Posts: 217 Member
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    You are worth being loved and feeling loved. Weight loss is challenging and I've felt discouraged too (I've been working on it for a year and a half.) I'm trying to find what works for me and recently have had more success. I've learned it's ok to fail. It's great to keep going and trying. You have people around you that love you which is good. You need to learn to love yourself too.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    Do this quiz first and then come back and say what it gives you.

    http://iifym.com/tdee-calculator/

    any day now OP. You still there?
  • PurpleCupcakes01
    PurpleCupcakes01 Posts: 141
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    Ditto to what everyone else has said. Get back up and keep trying. Again, and again, and again. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Change comes one day and one step at a time not overnight.
  • PennyVonDread
    PennyVonDread Posts: 432 Member
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    Do this quiz first and then come back and say what it gives you.

    http://iifym.com/tdee-calculator/

    any day now OP. You still there?

    That's pretty condescending. This isn't about a lack of knowledge. This is about an individual expressing emotional despair and needing support. If she wants advice on the how, she knows how to ask. Try to be more sensitive to the heart of the message.
  • IIIIISerenityNowIIIII
    IIIIISerenityNowIIIII Posts: 425 Member
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    You hate yourself because you are overweight?

    Seriously? Hate?

    That's REALLY extreme. Would you hate anyone else in the world simply.because they eat too much? I mean seriously, lay off a little bit!

    You need to knock it off and LOVE yourself. I love myself, so I am taking care of my health now because I am a good person and I deserve good health.

    It is very simple. Eat at a deficit = lose weight. You can handle that.
  • Breathe234
    Breathe234 Posts: 15 Member
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    I don't hate myself but I hate when I can't/won't/don't act the way I want to. I smoked for years after I wanted to quit-why? Why did I do something I did not want to do? From taking off mascara to having a glass of water first thing in the morning-why don't we listen to ourselves?
    I know how OP feels, you get yourself all psyched up to eat right and live right and next thing you know its eleven at night and your eating a bagel!


    You know in the cartoons there's an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other? Anyone else think that might be true!
  • Not2Quit
    Not2Quit Posts: 2
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    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5PLdIns4aw



    :flowerforyou:
  • 1princesswarrior
    1princesswarrior Posts: 1,242 Member
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    I hated myself when I started. I also felt like a complete failure at life because I spent most of my time on the couch with a towel over my eyes because of another migraine. So for the few pain free moments I had in the day I ate and boy did I eat.

    But one day I got up and just decided that I wasn't going to hate myself anymore and making that one decision changed my life. Not one day has been easy but every day has been worth it.

    Give yourself a break and learn how to forgive yourself for not being who you want to be right now. Because you've already made the choice to become who you dream of being. Now you just have to find your path to get there. The hardest thing about change is deciding to change. It won't happen overnight and sometimes it feels like you take one step forwards and two steps back. But soon you won't even be looking back. You can do this, baby steps at first and forgive yourself.
  • CookingMamaAUS
    CookingMamaAUS Posts: 25 Member
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    It's really common to put on weight when you're breastfeeding. Everyone tells you that it's great for losing weight, but no one tells you that it makes you ravenously hungry all the time! I had the same problem and it's only by logging everything into MFP and using it to help me make better food choices that the weight has come off (and even then I'm only half way, it's been slow going).

    Some things to think about:

    Can you find an exercise activity to do regularly that you love? You **need** the "me time" as much as the exercise to help with your mental wellbeing. Go for a morning or evening walk while the kids are asleep, or find someone to look after them for an hour so you can go for a walk or swim or a pump class. Put it in your calendar and make it a regular *non-negotiable* part of your week, just like you would for the kids' gym classes or music. Even one hour a week will make a difference, and allowing your children to see you making time to go and exercise is a good thing - you are not neglecting them, you are setting a good example for them.

    Do you have fussy kids who leave food on their plate? Are you eating their leftovers? Even though it seems like a waste, you're better off throwing the food away (or composting it) than eating it yourself. You don't need the extra calories. This is where logging everything you eat can help you see extra calories you might not realise you are eating.

    Think about your eating habits and the rest of the family too. Do the kids eat fruit and vegetables as a snack, or is it cake and cookies? Do you drink water or soda and juice? Do you get takeaway dinner or cook at home? Making changes to how the whole family eats will make it easier to stick to your goals, and everyone will benefit. Keep vegetable sticks cut up in the fridge ready to eat. Buy fresh fruit and have it washed or cut up ready to eat. Plan fruit and vegetables or salad as part of every meal and replace sugary breakfasts with oatmeal, granola or wholegrain toast. Have a fun weekly challenge to try a new healthy food. Aim for small changes first, like not drinking soda at dinnertime, or replacing ice cream with fruit for dessert.

    Cleaning out and organising your fridge and pantry can help, so you always have healthy food that is easy to eat. This lady has some excellent suggestions: http://theorganisedhousewife.com.au/organising/how-to-organise-the-fridge-and-freezer/

    And be *kind* to yourself. Everyone has a bad day, and sometimes as parents we can have bad weeks or months. But that's just a part of life. Every day is a new day, and and every time you make a better choice, it gets a little easier. It's trying that matters most.

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