Talking behind people's backs
Replies
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This is great advice!Like I tell my 14 year old daugther, if you want to stay friends with people who are talking about someone, you need to say "hey don't we have better things to discuss than so and so" and change the subject. If that doesn't work, you need to excuse yourself from the conversation and move on. She has done this a few times and each time she has had to do it someone else in the group says, "you're right" and the whole conversation moves on.0 -
^ this explains a lot. Love it!I like this quote...
"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people."
-Eleanor Roosevelt0 -
I go walking over lunch break with a woman who has perhaps never had a weight problem. I'm down to about 6lbs overweight, and I look almost like I'm a healthy weight and I exercise a lot. So this woman keeps bringing up the subject of "fat people" and complaining about people in the organization who are "too fat" and who don't exercise. And I feel really uncomfortable. Should I try to explain how hard it is to stop eating to someone who has maybe never experienced that before?
So it's bad for her to talk behind people's back to you but it's ok for you to go online about her behind her back?
Stating that she "perhaps never had a weight problem" indicates that you do not know if she was overweight or not in her past ... at least you've made your assumption on that topic to bolster your position as you mimic the behavior you rail against.0 -
This is great advice!Like I tell my 14 year old daugther, if you want to stay friends with people who are talking about someone, you need to say "hey don't we have better things to discuss than so and so" and change the subject. If that doesn't work, you need to excuse yourself from the conversation and move on. She has done this a few times and each time she has had to do it someone else in the group says, "you're right" and the whole conversation moves on.
I agree. I generally dislike gossip and will tell people "I am neutral on that topic" and change the subject and it tends to work. If they continue yammering, just say "it'll be a great day if it doesn't rain." That usually confuses people and it's easier to steer them away from a topic. If it's already raining, it will confuse them even more.0 -
This is great advice!Like I tell my 14 year old daugther, if you want to stay friends with people who are talking about someone, you need to say "hey don't we have better things to discuss than so and so" and change the subject. If that doesn't work, you need to excuse yourself from the conversation and move on. She has done this a few times and each time she has had to do it someone else in the group says, "you're right" and the whole conversation moves on.
I love it for any age!! YES!0 -
I go walking over lunch break with a woman who has perhaps never had a weight problem. I'm down to about 6lbs overweight, and I look almost like I'm a healthy weight and I exercise a lot. So this woman keeps bringing up the subject of "fat people" and complaining about people in the organization who are "too fat" and who don't exercise. And I feel really uncomfortable. Should I try to explain how hard it is to stop eating to someone who has maybe never experienced that before?
So it's bad for her to talk behind people's back to you but it's ok for you to go online about her behind her back?
Stating that she "perhaps never had a weight problem" indicates that you do not know if she was overweight or not in her past ... at least you've made your assumption on that topic to bolster your position as you mimic the behavior you rail against.
Whether OP's coworker ever had a weight problem or not is kind of irrelevant in my opinion...if she used to weigh 450 and now is a size 2 that still doesn't make it all cool for her to rag on fat people. Amirite?0 -
just sabotage her, when you are offered unhealthy food, give it to her. She will be thankful, but in your mind, you will be thanking her for eating it for you .
Win Win situation.0 -
I go walking over lunch break with a woman who has perhaps never had a weight problem. I'm down to about 6lbs overweight, and I look almost like I'm a healthy weight and I exercise a lot. So this woman keeps bringing up the subject of "fat people" and complaining about people in the organization who are "too fat" and who don't exercise. And I feel really uncomfortable. Should I try to explain how hard it is to stop eating to someone who has maybe never experienced that before?
Just laugh and move on, they won`t get it after you do. Only outcome will be, you will be moved to the "behind the back" list. HA HA HA HA.....0 -
I like this quote...
"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
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Do you work in an environment where the health/weight of co workers can impact on other members of staff?
If not then then I'd nip it in the bud now & tell her you don't really want to discuss other members of staff. Bottom line every work place people ***** about something. If it wasn't weight it'd probably be something else.
However people will always hold their own opinions & if you try & explain to her how you feel she may/may not take it on board. I wouldn't think it's worth getting into. Just make it plain you don't appreciate that topic of conversation.0 -
Walking is a wonderful solitary activity, and you tend to push yourself harder when you're not walking at a pace that even allows you to gab with a co-worker.
I'd recommend keeping up the lunch time walking...alone. It'll help you avoid her gossipy tongue, while hopefully allowing you to really take your walking to the next level.0 -
So you base morality on if people knowing the person discussed find out ... not on the action. Got it. Hypocrisy for $1000 please Alex.So it's bad for her to talk behind people's back to you but it's ok for you to go online about her behind her back?
This woman described in OP's post was undoubtedly using peoples' names when discussing them critically. And doing so in the company of other people who work in the same space and know the individuals being discussed.
The OP is anonymous and hasn't mentioned anyone else's name in her post.
No one is being slandered or surreptitiously humiliated as is what happens with workplace slander and gossip.
When John Doe tells his co-workers that Jane Doe in the next cube was a lousy lay, has an asymmetrical boob job and smells like halibut, Jane may never know but all her co-workers now will. And as we all know, word spreads like wildfire.
There's no comparison between that sort of wickedness and a benign anonymous internet post directed at total strangers about total strangers.0 -
This makes absolutely no sense. It's not the same at all. Plus, what OP is talking about affects her, because it's being said to her so she's trying to figure out a way to combat it. The other co workers weight has nothing at all to do with the gossipy friend
So you base morality on if people knowing the person discussed find out ... not on the action. Got it. Hypocrisy for $1000 please Alex.So it's bad for her to talk behind people's back to you but it's ok for you to go online about her behind her back?
This woman described in OP's post was undoubtedly using peoples' names when discussing them critically. And doing so in the company of other people who work in the same space and know the individuals being discussed.
The OP is anonymous and hasn't mentioned anyone else's name in her post.
No one is being slandered or surreptitiously humiliated as is what happens with workplace slander and gossip.
When John Doe tells his co-workers that Jane Doe in the next cube was a lousy lay, has an asymmetrical boob job and smells like halibut, Jane may never know but all her co-workers now will. And as we all know, word spreads like wildfire.
There's no comparison between that sort of wickedness and a benign anonymous internet post directed at total strangers about total strangers.0 -
I tend to be a little more blunt. In the same situation, I'd probably response with "What is with you and obsessing over people's weight??" If she tried to brush it off or say she didn't do it much I'd follow up with "Ok, it just seems that you're really hung up on other people's size." She may not even realise she's doing it, or may think she is giving you a backhanded compliment by making you part of the "skinny girls club". I'd rather walk along than walk with someone whose conversation made me uncomfortable.0
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Sounds like she and you might have more in common than at first glance (being judgmental is not one of those things).
We use MFP to track our intake and exercise as we want to be healthy and fit. The lady you are walking with is also pursuing that, though she may have not experienced the same need to lose weight at any point in her life. That's the disconnect. Whether she has been judged for her lifestyle or judges herself based on it, her sense of health seems to based out of obligation where we are working to better ourselves. After all, we know what unhealthy looks and feels like. She's coming from the approach that healthy choices are required and is judging those who don't engage in that.
From your post, the lady you walk with sounds a bit toxic, but there's some reason for that; calling her out would make for an awkward professional relationship. My approach in the short-term would be to turn caustic conversation by focusing on her goals and achievements. In the long-term, I would try to find common ground to build a friendship on. If that's not possible, a tacit disengagement may work, and the community here can recommend many things to occupy your lunchtime walk.
Best of luck!0 -
Bring your phone on the next walk and put "Hollaback Girl" on repeat.0
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If I felt that the friendship was worth keeping, I would deflect it a bit and say something like: "Yeah, but everyone has their own personal challenges that they face and reasons they may or may not do things. I am sure that you do not lead a perfect life and I KNOW that I don't." and then maybe deflect it more by engaging her in brainstorming ideas for company wellness programs that would be cool for your company to employ.0
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This makes absolutely no sense. It's not the same at all. Plus, what OP is talking about affects her, because it's being said to her so she's trying to figure out a way to combat it. The other co workers weight has nothing at all to do with the gossipy friend
So you base morality on if people knowing the person discussed find out ... not on the action. Got it. Hypocrisy for $1000 please Alex.So it's bad for her to talk behind people's back to you but it's ok for you to go online about her behind her back?
This woman described in OP's post was undoubtedly using peoples' names when discussing them critically. And doing so in the company of other people who work in the same space and know the individuals being discussed.
The OP is anonymous and hasn't mentioned anyone else's name in her post.
No one is being slandered or surreptitiously humiliated as is what happens with workplace slander and gossip.
When John Doe tells his co-workers that Jane Doe in the next cube was a lousy lay, has an asymmetrical boob job and smells like halibut, Jane may never know but all her co-workers now will. And as we all know, word spreads like wildfire.
There's no comparison between that sort of wickedness and a benign anonymous internet post directed at total strangers about total strangers.
Either you talk about people behind their back or you do not. Trying to hide behind the anonymity of the internet does not change the behavior. If you talk about somebody on a walk during lunch thinking they won't find out or if you do it on an internet forum thinking they won't find out ... you still talk about people. Defending a gossip who complains about another gossip is hypocritical.0 -
This makes absolutely no sense. It's not the same at all. Plus, what OP is talking about affects her, because it's being said to her so she's trying to figure out a way to combat it. The other co workers weight has nothing at all to do with the gossipy friend
So you base morality on if people knowing the person discussed find out ... not on the action. Got it. Hypocrisy for $1000 please Alex.So it's bad for her to talk behind people's back to you but it's ok for you to go online about her behind her back?
This woman described in OP's post was undoubtedly using peoples' names when discussing them critically. And doing so in the company of other people who work in the same space and know the individuals being discussed.
The OP is anonymous and hasn't mentioned anyone else's name in her post.
No one is being slandered or surreptitiously humiliated as is what happens with workplace slander and gossip.
When John Doe tells his co-workers that Jane Doe in the next cube was a lousy lay, has an asymmetrical boob job and smells like halibut, Jane may never know but all her co-workers now will. And as we all know, word spreads like wildfire.
There's no comparison between that sort of wickedness and a benign anonymous internet post directed at total strangers about total strangers.
Either you talk about people behind their back or you do not. Trying to hide behind the anonymity of the internet does not change the behavior. If you talk about somebody on a walk during lunch thinking they won't find out or if you do it on an internet forum thinking they won't find out ... you still talk about people. Defending a gossip who complains about another gossip is hypocritical.
I got the impression that she was asking for advice, not to necessarily put her coworker down.0 -
I don't know if anyone mentioned this...but why don't you start running? That way you are working harder, not having to listen to this other lady's crap, and you can show her that "chubby" people (no offense) can run. Keep in mind, she will probably run her mouth about you as soon as you take off. It is pretty much a win-win.0
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This makes absolutely no sense. It's not the same at all. Plus, what OP is talking about affects her, because it's being said to her so she's trying to figure out a way to combat it. The other co workers weight has nothing at all to do with the gossipy friend
So you base morality on if people knowing the person discussed find out ... not on the action. Got it. Hypocrisy for $1000 please Alex.So it's bad for her to talk behind people's back to you but it's ok for you to go online about her behind her back?
This woman described in OP's post was undoubtedly using peoples' names when discussing them critically. And doing so in the company of other people who work in the same space and know the individuals being discussed.
The OP is anonymous and hasn't mentioned anyone else's name in her post.
No one is being slandered or surreptitiously humiliated as is what happens with workplace slander and gossip.
When John Doe tells his co-workers that Jane Doe in the next cube was a lousy lay, has an asymmetrical boob job and smells like halibut, Jane may never know but all her co-workers now will. And as we all know, word spreads like wildfire.
There's no comparison between that sort of wickedness and a benign anonymous internet post directed at total strangers about total strangers.
Either you talk about people behind their back or you do not. Trying to hide behind the anonymity of the internet does not change the behavior. If you talk about somebody on a walk during lunch thinking they won't find out or if you do it on an internet forum thinking they won't find out ... you still talk about people. Defending a gossip who complains about another gossip is hypocritical.
so you don't think that anyone should ever ask for advice on how to deal with a situation with another person that they perceive as negative? What you seem to suggest is that any time you ask a third party for advice on how to deal with a person you are talking behind their back, and that is ludicrous. You're being a pedant.0 -
Why don't we help the train back on track, shall we?
This is the OP:
"I go walking over lunch break with a woman who has perhaps never had a weight problem. I'm down to about 6lbs overweight, and I look almost like I'm a healthy weight and I exercise a lot. So this woman keeps bringing up the subject of "fat people" and complaining about people in the organization who are "too fat" and who don't exercise. And I feel really uncomfortable. Should I try to explain how hard it is to stop eating to someone who has maybe never experienced that before?"
1. Background information:
"I go walking over lunch break with a woman who has perhaps never had a weight problem. I'm down to about 6lbs overweight, and I look almost like I'm a healthy weight and I exercise a lot."
We hear a statement of OP's situation as well as a neutral assessment of her colleague's background.
2. Supposedly objective info, I can't read much subjective stuff here:
"So this woman keeps bringing up the subject of "fat people" and complaining about people in the organization who are "too fat" and who don't exercise."
3. Subjective:
"And I feel really uncomfortable."
Quite harmless, we know the co-worker doesn't make OP feel happy. Since the person is a co-worker, there might be an underlying reason why OP started the thread in the first place. We don't know and it's none of our business. OP feels uncomfortable and I would too, lots of people would seemingly based on the replies in this thread. Is there something wrong with this part?
4. Asking for advice, since there was the part in 3.:
"Should I try to explain how hard it is to stop eating to someone who has maybe never experienced that before?"
I must be really, really, really, illiterate, unintelligent, not in tune with people's emotions, but I can't find anything that even remotely resembles badmouthing the colleague even in this last portion. Can we not derail any further?0 -
I like this quote...
"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Eleanor Roosevelt was so wonderful.0 -
This makes absolutely no sense. It's not the same at all. Plus, what OP is talking about affects her, because it's being said to her so she's trying to figure out a way to combat it. The other co workers weight has nothing at all to do with the gossipy friend
So you base morality on if people knowing the person discussed find out ... not on the action. Got it. Hypocrisy for $1000 please Alex.So it's bad for her to talk behind people's back to you but it's ok for you to go online about her behind her back?
This woman described in OP's post was undoubtedly using peoples' names when discussing them critically. And doing so in the company of other people who work in the same space and know the individuals being discussed.
The OP is anonymous and hasn't mentioned anyone else's name in her post.
No one is being slandered or surreptitiously humiliated as is what happens with workplace slander and gossip.
When John Doe tells his co-workers that Jane Doe in the next cube was a lousy lay, has an asymmetrical boob job and smells like halibut, Jane may never know but all her co-workers now will. And as we all know, word spreads like wildfire.
There's no comparison between that sort of wickedness and a benign anonymous internet post directed at total strangers about total strangers.
Either you talk about people behind their back or you do not. Trying to hide behind the anonymity of the internet does not change the behavior. If you talk about somebody on a walk during lunch thinking they won't find out or if you do it on an internet forum thinking they won't find out ... you still talk about people. Defending a gossip who complains about another gossip is hypocritical.
Is the point of the original post being lost in the judgment here? The OP is looking for advice on a sticky situation. I think it's called support. Sheesh!0 -
Why don't we help the train back on track, shall we?
This is the OP:
"I go walking over lunch break with a woman who has perhaps never had a weight problem. I'm down to about 6lbs overweight, and I look almost like I'm a healthy weight and I exercise a lot. So this woman keeps bringing up the subject of "fat people" and complaining about people in the organization who are "too fat" and who don't exercise. And I feel really uncomfortable. Should I try to explain how hard it is to stop eating to someone who has maybe never experienced that before?"
1. Background information:
"I go walking over lunch break with a woman who has perhaps never had a weight problem. I'm down to about 6lbs overweight, and I look almost like I'm a healthy weight and I exercise a lot."
We hear a statement of OP's situation as well as a neutral assessment of her colleague's background.
2. Supposedly objective info, I can't read much subjective stuff here:
"So this woman keeps bringing up the subject of "fat people" and complaining about people in the organization who are "too fat" and who don't exercise."
3. Subjective:
"And I feel really uncomfortable."
Quite harmless, we know the co-worker doesn't make OP feel happy. Since the person is a co-worker, there might be an underlying reason why OP started the thread in the first place. We don't know and it's none of our business. OP feels uncomfortable and I would too, lots of people would seemingly based on the replies in this thread. Is there something wrong with this part?
4. Asking for advice, since there was the part in 3.:
"Should I try to explain how hard it is to stop eating to someone who has maybe never experienced that before?"
I must be really, really, really, illiterate, unintelligent, not in tune with people's emotions, but I can't find anything that even remotely resembles badmouthing the colleague even in this last portion. Can we not derail any further?
Hugging you! Fantastic analysis.0 -
I, personally, would let her know how uncomfortable you are with that type of talk. And deflect deflect! Cheerful and stupid goes a long way.
Good luck to you! I hope you found some helpful posts here.
::end of thread-jacking from me::0 -
what I tend to do when people start gossiping about others to me, is I say something vague and positive about the person, or make a vague non-specific positive statement supporting the group that's being attacked...
e.g.
person: you know (name) from (place?)
me: yes, she's nice isn't she?
- this usually stops potential gossip in its tracks... but if they were going to say something nice about her then the conversation proceeds as normal
or
person: fat people really annoy me
me: I don't see what the problem is, they're just people
person: I worry that they're destroying their health through not exercising and eating junk
me: well if they're really doing that I'm sure they'll realise it at some point and make positive changes
usually this approach makes the gossipy person change the subject and make a note to themselves that I'm not someone that's easy to have these kinds of conversations with, and so they take their gossiping elsewhere and talk about other things with me. People who can't have a conversation without gossiping about someone may resent me for it but I don't care, I'd rather converse with people who are capable of having conversations that don't involve character assassination.0 -
Worth quoting. And I love the "character assassination" thing, haven't heard it before.what I tend to do when people start gossiping about others to me, is I say something vague and positive about the person, or make a vague non-specific positive statement supporting the group that's being attacked...
e.g.
person: you know (name) from (place?)
me: yes, she's nice isn't she?
- this usually stops potential gossip in its tracks... but if they were going to say something nice about her then the conversation proceeds as normal
or
person: fat people really annoy me
me: I don't see what the problem is, they're just people
person: I worry that they're destroying their health through not exercising and eating junk
me: well if they're really doing that I'm sure they'll realise it at some point and make positive changes
usually this approach makes the gossipy person change the subject and make a note to themselves that I'm not someone that's easy to have these kinds of conversations with, and so they take their gossiping elsewhere and talk about other things with me. People who can't have a conversation without gossiping about someone may resent me for it but I don't care, I'd rather converse with people who are capable of having conversations that don't involve character assassination.0 -
:flowerforyou:Hugging you! Fantastic analysis.0 -
I have a coworker who says nasty nasty things about other people all the time. I use "You're so mean! ahh" and "that's not very nice" in jokey ways to get her to stop because I have to see her every day. If I didn't run into her much, I would say, "you shouldn't say things like that" and leave the room.0
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