Hurt Feelings? Anyone else? NEED ADVICE.

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Replies

  • JaxDemon
    JaxDemon Posts: 403 Member
    New you will equal more attention from others mainly males. This is a threat for him he could be worried about losing you.

    I know when I went on my journey last year my girlfriend gave me so much attention in the bedroom every night I was questioning if she had cheated on me. Turns out she was just really worried I would shape up and ship out.
  • MyRummyHens
    MyRummyHens Posts: 141 Member
    Emotional abuse is the worst kind. Playing a game with someone where you see just how far you can push/humiliate/manipulate them and then gain their "forgiveness" is a hideous way of treating someone. How much can I get away with, how desperate is this person to have me etc is not the behavior of a normal loving partner.

    Unless someone was under undue pressure (and even then I think it's more of a reflection of their true selves), I don't personally believe that that leopard ever changes their spots. The very fact that you are still with him means that you forgave him, enough at least to stay, so he knows he can do it (whatever "it" was) again when he likes.

    Any loving partner would be doing everything possible to support and help you get your health back. If he doesn't buck his ideas up once he's got his head around that fact that this isn't a "phase" or similar then I'd seriously consider leaving in your shoes.
  • deksgrl
    deksgrl Posts: 7,237 Member
    I didn't see the connection between him asking a question and voicing concern for you and "OMG HE WANTS YOU TO HAVE ANOTHER HEART ATTACK."

    Have you professed an unhealthy low weight, or perhaps preferred a very thin physique?

    Going off of solely what you've told us, it sounded like him "bringing you down" was him questioning either your ultimate goal or your methods--for instance, how much are you eating? How much are you working out? Are you going too hard, and maybe his concern on your health really is a concern for your health.

    That being said, you followed up with "He's been emotionally abusive." Regardless of his words on your fitness ~journey~, if you truly feel he's been abusive, then counseling or some type of therapy for you and both of you seems like a good step.

    THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
  • logg1e
    logg1e Posts: 1,208 Member
    "They absolutely would, even if it involves a session split between the two individuals. Have you been to counseling (sic)?"

    A split session would not be a joint one and that's my point. No reputable counsellor would allow somebody to expose themselves to an emotionally vulnerable situation in front of their abuser. Have I had counselling? I hope you don't think I'm being awkward, but I don't see the relevance of the question.

    To those saying we only have one side of the story, absolutely. We're offering advice to the person asking for it. I have no reason to doubt their version of events.

    Edited to add - I feel some of the comments here are minimising the abuse and that isn't helpful and healthy.
  • SezxyStef
    SezxyStef Posts: 15,267 Member
    Hi everyone~ I'm new to the board. I decided to get healthier and lose weight due to several health problems. As of today I've lost 4 pounds and I feel GREAT! My jeans are fitting nicer and my spirits were lifted when my best friend noticed some change. I went out and celebrated today with a new cute hairstyle.

    But now my husband won't even talk to me or notice the positive change already...including my new haircut. He made 1 remark and said, "Why do you want to get so skinny that's not healthy?" I replied, "I'm NOT healthy now as I am, my cholesterol, blood pressure and weight is going up, I'm on the line of having another heart attack."

    I thought he would be a good support system, instead he's trying to bring me down. I AM NOT DOING THIS FOR HIM OR ANYONE ELSE I'M DOING IT FOR ME. That's what's important. Anyone else going through this situation??

    did he comment when you gained weight?
    Did he comment on cute haircuts before?

    Probably not...so why does he have to now?

    As for the "so skinny" comment did that come from you showing him a pic of a body that is too skinny?

    Eh...not sure why when we woman do things like this we actually have these expectations that our men are gonna be any different than when we weren't doing these things...
  • SezxyStef
    SezxyStef Posts: 15,267 Member
    Good Morning! My husband is in good shape and not overweight. He eats good foods and works on the farm everyday. I've tried to get him involved with my walking and exercise etc. but no luck. He went 1 time the first day for about 5 minutes and he cut it short. Yes, I have a lot of health problems that woke me up, mostly heart disease and losing my Mother 9 months ago. I have had emotional abuse from him--- but no more. If I lose my marriage because of wanting to get healthy so be it. You can't lose something you never had. My strength will be back physically and mentally. My blinders are on and I'm ready for this race. Thanks!! :happy:

    INteresting...willing to give up this easy...yah your husband has a reason to be sullen...he can read the writing on the wall...if not in this post.
  • logg1e
    logg1e Posts: 1,208 Member
    "Eh...not sure why when we woman do things like this we actually have these expectations that our men are gonna be any different than when we weren't doing these things..."

    I can only speak for myself and my relationship, but I expect him to still be respectful and kind because he loves me for far more than my appearance.
  • SezxyStef
    SezxyStef Posts: 15,267 Member
    "Eh...not sure why when we woman do things like this we actually have these expectations that our men are gonna be any different than when we weren't doing these things..."

    I can only speak for myself and my relationship, but I expect him to still be respectful and kind because he loves me for far more than my appearance.

    and how is not commenting on a new haircut disrespectful? or a 5lb loss?

    The OP said she didn't care if her marriage ended in a pp...he has reasons to be "sullen"

    ETA: I am married and he is respectful...doesn't notice a new haircut unless he is there when it's done...doesn't notice 5lbs off my body why because he loves me for more than my appearance...
  • logg1e
    logg1e Posts: 1,208 Member
    Ah, apologies Sez. I was referring to the "not talking to me" and "telling me not to be skinny". I agree with you that not spotting a new haircut or 5lb loss isn't unkind or disrespectful.
  • SezxyStef
    SezxyStef Posts: 15,267 Member
    Ah, apologies Sez. I was referring to the "not talking to me" and "telling me not to be skinny". I agree with you that not spotting a new haircut or 5lb loss isn't unkind or disrespectful.

    my husband asked me not to take it too far too...not that I would...he is concerned with my health and doesn't want me to be in the throws of an eating disorder he's been through that once with a previous GF...him being honest shows the upmost respect in my world...guess mine is different than most.

    As for the not talking again is that "normal" for their relationship or is she hyper sensitive because she is ready for a fight or looking for an excuse...

    I don't see that as being disrespectful, he was honest and we don't know why he said that...perhaps the OP showed him a pic of a women that is her inspiration and she is too skinny...

    THere are too many variables that are unknown and we are only getting one side of this story...I suspect to hear his side would be very interesting..
  • firstsip
    firstsip Posts: 8,399 Member
    "They absolutely would, even if it involves a session split between the two individuals. Have you been to counseling (sic)?"

    A split session would not be a joint one and that's my point. No reputable counsellor would allow somebody to expose themselves to an emotionally vulnerable situation in front of their abuser. Have I had counselling? I hope you don't think I'm being awkward, but I don't see the relevance of the question.

    To those saying we only have one side of the story, absolutely. We're offering advice to the person asking for it. I have no reason to doubt their version of events.

    Edited to add - I feel some of the comments here are minimising the abuse and that isn't helpful and healthy.

    I asked you the question, because you're professing a belief on counseling that doesn't line up with any professional therapy I've ever gone to, read about or researched. I'm not at all minimizing abuse, but having been the victim of abuse and been through several different rounds of therapy, I'm also aware of the methods used in therapy to deal with abuse.

    Joint therapy can involve two people (or a family) speaking with a therapist, discussing things in the same room, then discussing things separately. This is a huge part of social work when families have interventions.

    As for a married couple, an abusive spouse even attending a counseling session would be a huge deal, and a sign that things can change or be managed. Literally every book on abuse and toxic relationships will end with, "A huge step in healing is getting the person to come to you with therapy or attend therapy on their own," and please note I suggested individual therapy as well for OP (and for her husband as well, would be good).

    And I mostly brought up counseling, because we have no other words on this "emotional abuse" than, "He asked why I wanted to get skinny." OP absolutely doesn't have to reveal the abuse she's undergone, but it's definitely worth noting that sometimes people feel maligned or abused without the other party knowing. One person's joke is another person's abusive comment.

    Abuse is horrible. But people are not black and white.

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