I was married and had kids before him. Random.

cosmobella
cosmobella Posts: 54 Member
in Chit-Chat
So, I am 29. I was married and had 3 kids prior. I had my daughter when I was 18. I was never in a relationship with her father, however, we've never argued, done the child support thing and we split her. I got married, and had 2 sons over the course of 10 years. My now ex husband is an alcoholic, and verbally abusive to the point where he literally ran me off. He was a serial cheater and I tried to make it work with him, but the night he brought a woman back from the bar to our home...so drunk he forgot to tell her he was married...and walked in while I was folding laundry...I decided I only had one life to live and didn't deserve a jerk. He wasn't like that until AFTER we were married. Go figure. I know I've made lousy choices. We split in 2011. I got back together with my middle school sweetheart, and now we have a 4 month old. His first. So in total, I have 4 kids. We were planning on getting married ( my FINAL time) sometime next year or 2016. I've known him since I was 12, and I wish we would have just been married in the first place, but life wasn't so perfect. He wanted children, so I knew if I committed to him, I would have another. He is from Guyana, and his parents are these indian like, religious fanatics. I had to hide my other kids for awhile, but now they know about them. It's strange, because they are really upset. I guess they view me as some sleazy, loser American girl. Not the case. I have this horrible complex about being a loser these days. I was never self conscious, but now I find it hard to own how my life has gone. I feel embarrassed and humiliated. This is stupid to post on MFP, but this is my favorite place to be with the most motivation. So in short, I'm asking...how do people view me..HONESTLY. In your opinion, good or bad? I won't be insulted. I just want REAL feedback. So I know how to handle things in the future. My children are beautiful, smart, well behaved and my current loves them dearly. They have NEVER been a problem, and are hilarious. They rarely misbehave and are only with us part of the time. There are healthy relationships between they, their dad, and us. Please answer!!! Thanks.
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Replies

  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,899 Member

    This is stupid to post on MFP, but this is my favorite place to be with the most motivation. So in short, I'm asking...how do people view me..HONESTLY. In your opinion, good or bad?

    I don't. To be honest, I can't. I don't know you and don't know exactly what you've been through. I've been through enough in my own life to know better than to start judging too harshly the personal choices of another. Now, I very like will end up posting some snark in here, perhaps a cat gif or two, as this thread heats up and goes down hill, but I won't be judging your personal life. In all seriousness, you have to hold you own head up, make your own decisions, and choose not to let others drag you down. You can't change who you are. Perhaps work a bit around the edges here and there, but that's all any of us can do. Don't let your future inlaws, or anyone on this board, control your self esteem.
  • RaspberryKeytoneBoondoggle
    RaspberryKeytoneBoondoggle Posts: 1,349 Member
    ^ he is right.

    What matters more than anything is that you love yourself, and be the best mom you can be. We all find different ways to do these things.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
    When my past future in laws were judging me harshly the LAST thing I would have done is open myself to more judgement. For your sake and the sake of all the tissues in your house, I would seriously consider PMing a mod to delete this thread for you. Putting your life out there like this and all your mistakes and shortcomings and inviting people to judge you will only lead to more sorrow.

    :ohwell: :flowerforyou: :frown:
  • mrmarius
    mrmarius Posts: 1,802 Member
    i judge you as human....we all make mistakes, we all have done stuff we later thought was stupid, you just have to own up to wher you are and accept it.. its the only way you can move forward to have the kind of life you want.. besides why are you worried what others think of you? as long as you love yourself its all that matters.sure you've made bad decisions, oh well thats life keep trucking..
  • Kenazwa
    Kenazwa Posts: 278 Member
    I can't judge you by what you've told us in your post. It just sounds like life to me. We make our choices as we go along, and sometimes it's only in hindsight that we see we made the wrong choice. All you can do is move on. I'm sorry that your future in-laws are judging you harshly. Maybe in time they will see that they were wrong.
  • BamaBreezeNSaltAire
    BamaBreezeNSaltAire Posts: 966 Member
    I couldn't agree more with Sunofabeach. He summed up it nicely. OP, ask yourself 1. Do you love your kids?. 2. Do you take good care of them and yourself? 3. Have you made mistakes? 4. Have you learned from those mistakes? And finally look at your children again. You already have your answers, now dig deep, and believe in yourself!
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    Guuurl, I married somebody I knew four months because we'd gotten pregnant after a night of too drunk to suit up. I'd been engaged 3 times prior to marrying my husband, I maintain complicated relationships with two of those men. People that don't know have to think I am complete weirdo, wh*reface.

    Don't care, I am happy. My husband is happy. Our daughter is happy. It doesn't matter what your in laws think or what anyone here on MFP thinks. You have kids to a couple different men and are divorced. That is a lot of people's story. Do what you do and be happy.
  • George_Baileys_Ghost
    George_Baileys_Ghost Posts: 1,524 Member
    Guuurl, I married somebody I knew four months because we'd gotten pregnant after a night of too drunk to suit up. I'd been engaged 3 times prior to marrying my husband, I maintain complicated relationships with two of those men. People that don't know have to think I am complete weirdo, wh*reface.

    Don't care, I am happy. My husband is happy. Our daughter is happy. It doesn't matter what your in laws think or what anyone here on MFP thinks. You have kids to a couple different men and are divorced. That is a lot of people's story. Do what you do and be happy.

    Whole lotta this.
  • Myhaloslipped
    Myhaloslipped Posts: 4,317 Member
    I don't know you well enough to have an opinion on what type of person you are, but I don't see where you really did anything wrong based on what you have told us.
  • allotmentgardener
    allotmentgardener Posts: 248 Member
    It sounds like you have 4 children you adore, you may not have had luck beforehand with love but you are not the first and won't be tbe last. You seem to have now met the right person who also will love your previous children. I do not judge you as I have no right or wish to - however - I do wish you all the best for your future :)
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    Judgmental in laws suck. Is he standing up to them or is he letting them disrespect you? That's the question you have to ask.
  • Shaky44
    Shaky44 Posts: 214 Member
    We are all a reflection of the choices we have made, not the choices we will make. By your own evaluation, you've made bad choices. That doesn't mean you will continue to make bad choices. You're only 29, so you have a lot of time left.

    I think it would help you to think about this - just for a few minutes - from his parents point of view. They are probably very conservative people and they have a son who has had a child while not married. Now they find out the mother has other children they didn't know about. When it's your son and he has just one life to live, you tend to focus in on things that go against your grain, and those are things that are going to be on that list. I don't think it's surprising at all that they are upset.

    If they see that you love each other and that you are committed to making better choices, they will eventually come around.
  • danasings
    danasings Posts: 8,218 Member
    When my past future in laws were judging me harshly the LAST thing I would have done is open myself to more judgement. For your sake and the sake of all the tissues in your house, I would seriously consider PMing a mod to delete this thread for you. Putting your life out there like this and all your mistakes and shortcomings and inviting people to judge you will only lead to more sorrow.

    :ohwell: :flowerforyou: :frown:

    This.

    And I also agree with "do what you do and be happy." You really can't please everyone. Love your new husband, love your kids, love yourself. Try not to dwell on past choices...it's all in the past and there's not a thing you can do to change it. Best of luck to you. :flowerforyou:
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
    When I met my husband, I was 23, divorced and had a toddler. His friends and family gave him hell (he was 30 and had a history of getting into bad relationships) and told him I was trouble because I obviously had already screwed up. We are still together almost 24 years later and he raised my son as his own. We were never able to have children together, but he's never had an issue with that. We are empty nesters now and get to have the life we didn't have when we were first together. We are happy and in love.

    If you are in love with your fiance and you are a great mom, nothing else matters. The naysayers will see that they were wrong. Be determined to prove them wrong!
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,473 Member
    Does he love you? Treat you and your kids with respect? Does he want to be a part of all of your lives?

    If so, F what anyone else thinks. If not, then I'm not sure I'd stick around.
  • DamePiglet
    DamePiglet Posts: 3,730 Member
    Judgmental in laws suck. Is he standing up to them or is he letting them disrespect you? That's the question you have to ask.

    Lots of great responses in here and I do believe the one right here is the most relevant.
  • cosmobella
    cosmobella Posts: 54 Member
    To make things a bit clearer, I finished high school. LOL. I went to a charter college prep school and then I went on to finish the Paramedic program at the community college ( 3rd out of 42 in my class.) I grew up in a fairly well to do family and we never had any money issues. I have worked my whole life very hard and have NEVER been on any kind of public assistance. I've never used food stamps, I've never gotten child support etc....I've always made my own way and my kids are good kids because of it. I have my own car, and we now live in a 4 bedroom home with proper room for everyone. I'm smart, and educated and I'm not some teenage mom dropout. I think people tend to assume that. Life just kinda sucked for awhile. That's it. My kids are well adjusted and loving. There have never been any discipline issues with my current and everyone is super happy. That is all. <3
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    To make things a bit clearer, I finished high school. LOL. I went to a charter college prep school and then I went on to finish the Paramedic program at the community college ( 3rd out of 42 in my class.) I grew up in a fairly well to do family and we never had any money issues. I have worked my whole life very hard and have NEVER been on any kind of public assistance. I've never used food stamps, I've never gotten child support etc....I've always made my own way and my kids are good kids because of it. I have my own car, and we now live in a 4 bedroom home with proper room for everyone. I'm smart, and educated and I'm not some teenage mom dropout. I think people tend to assume that. Life just kinda sucked for awhile. That's it. My kids are well adjusted and loving. There have never been any discipline issues with my current and everyone is super happy. That is all. <3

    I don't think anyone questioned that in this thread... :huh: :huh:
  • 1pandabear
    1pandabear Posts: 336 Member
    Thanks for sharing. Reading your post is kind of healing for me because it reminds me that although sometimes people can jump to conclusions and rush to judgement, it reminds me not to let them define me. Again, thanks.
  • cosmobella
    cosmobella Posts: 54 Member
    NP. Wish I could shake that feeling of letting others define me.
  • Madame_Goldbricker
    Madame_Goldbricker Posts: 1,625 Member
    As others have said this just all sounds very much like any normal life events.

    Although it is possible the reason the future in laws are upset is because you basically 'hide your other kids from them for awhile'. In other words they may think that's odd behaviour, or view it as outright lying. This could be the issue that's now colouring their judgement of you.

    Whatever the case is just concentrate on yourself, your kids, & your SO.
  • cosmobella
    cosmobella Posts: 54 Member
    I did't hide them. He did.
  • bridgie101
    bridgie101 Posts: 817 Member
    So, I am 29. I was married and had 3 kids prior. I had my daughter when I was 18. I was never in a relationship with her father, however, we've never argued, done the child support thing and we split her. I got married, and had 2 sons over the course of 10 years. My now ex husband is an alcoholic, and verbally abusive to the point where he literally ran me off. He was a serial cheater and I tried to make it work with him, but the night he brought a woman back from the bar to our home...so drunk he forgot to tell her he was married...and walked in while I was folding laundry...I decided I only had one life to live and didn't deserve a jerk. He wasn't like that until AFTER we were married. Go figure. I know I've made lousy choices. We split in 2011. I got back together with my middle school sweetheart, and now we have a 4 month old. His first. So in total, I have 4 kids. We were planning on getting married ( my FINAL time) sometime next year or 2016. I've known him since I was 12, and I wish we would have just been married in the first place, but life wasn't so perfect. He wanted children, so I knew if I committed to him, I would have another. He is from Guyana, and his parents are these indian like, religious fanatics. I had to hide my other kids for awhile, but now they know about them. It's strange, because they are really upset. I guess they view me as some sleazy, loser American girl. Not the case. I have this horrible complex about being a loser these days. I was never self conscious, but now I find it hard to own how my life has gone. I feel embarrassed and humiliated. This is stupid to post on MFP, but this is my favorite place to be with the most motivation. So in short, I'm asking...how do people view me..HONESTLY. In your opinion, good or bad? I won't be insulted. I just want REAL feedback. So I know how to handle things in the future. My children are beautiful, smart, well behaved and my current loves them dearly. They have NEVER been a problem, and are hilarious. They rarely misbehave and are only with us part of the time. There are healthy relationships between they, their dad, and us. Please answer!!! Thanks.

    To be honest I'm getting a picture of someone whose self-worth isn't locked inside her. And that comes I think from being a mother, and a bad marriage, and all that stuff.

    Who is Cosmobella when she is alone? What does she want out of life? What career? What future? Without her own life created as the foundation of her existence, she's always going to be floating, never anchored, never safe.

    Cosmobella has to start hanging out with Cosmobella, and asking Cosmobella what she thinks about this and that, and agreeing with Cosmobella here and there. If I sound obscure: I'm not. You are disconnected from your own opinions. You are disconnected from your own ego.

    You've lost confidence. find your own self, your own future, your own life. don't rely on men to give you that part of yourself, and don't enter into a marriage until you are clear on who and what you are. You go into it now, you'll always be off kilter, you'll always be on the left foot, you'll always feel inferior.

    Live life on your own terms. :)
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,899 Member
    I did't hide them. He did.

    That should at least raise your eyebrows. It's one thing if your husband has to "manage" things with his parents as many people from traditional backgrounds are put in that position, but be cautious that this doesn't cross the line into him being ashamed by your background. It won't get any easier after you marry.
  • forkofpower
    forkofpower Posts: 171 Member
    NP. Wish I could shake that feeling of letting others define me.

    I think you do care too much about what others think about you. Most people won't judge you -- but even if they did, so what? If most people on this random internet forum thought you were a loser -- would you then define yourself as a loser, because other people thought you were? Asking others their opinion of whether you are a 'loser' (based on nothing more than a forum post, nonetheless) is not helpful for gaining confidence or self-esteem. That's something that comes from within.
  • sc003ro
    sc003ro Posts: 227 Member
    If you like the person you are .....who gives a hoot what they think....,they are not american they will never understand .....overtime show them by actions who you are and that they are wrong
  • lisalsd1
    lisalsd1 Posts: 1,519 Member
    There are plenty of trashy people out there that have zero kids and have never been married/divorced...

    I don't right-off-the-bat assume that someone with several kids and has been divorced is trashy. I usually assume that the person had kids at a young age. And this is kind of bad...but usually I assume that the man is the reason that the couple divorced. I usually assume that he was a jerk (I know, I know...that is sexist).

    Honestly, it wouldn't matter to me who you were when you are 18...that probably seems like a lifetime ago at this point.

    I had pretty terrible, judgmental in-laws. The FIL passed away several years ago; and my husband doesn't talk to his mother anymore. They really ruined their relationship with my husband with all of their crap.
  • mikeyboy
    mikeyboy Posts: 1,057 Member
    I think if you have read all the post, everyone has make mistakes in the past. I know I have. In the end it only matters the most of what YOU think about yourself. Do whatever you can to make your life the best it can be. Your kids are counting on you! That is what being a parent is all about. You sounds like you have all the tools to make this happen. A true test of how good a person is, not by how the whole world views you, but how your children view you. Good luck to you, make it happen!
  • cosmobella
    cosmobella Posts: 54 Member
    You actually just freaked me out with your accuracy...creepy.
  • toadg53
    toadg53 Posts: 302 Member
    I worked in social services for 35 years, and believe me, your story isn't anything to think twice about. It's not any different than probably, literally, millions of others out there. Everybody has their "stuff". Oh well. Sounds like you have raised fantastic kids. A lot of people can't say that. A lot wish they could say that. To hell with the future in-laws if they are that shallow to hold it against you becuz you had kids and relationships before you met their son. It's life. You lived your life. You're living your life with this fellow now and it sounds like it's a good one. Don't let anybody bring you or your family down.

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