I am no longer my daughter's hero
Mikkimeow
Posts: 1,282 Member
Hey all, I was hoping to get some advice. I have a 15 month old daughter, and she seems to not really like me anymore. When her dad is around, her grandma, or her aunt, she will ignore me and only want to play with them. If I pick her up, she will cry and physically try and push me away. She says "dadadada" the entire time, and when she wakes up in the morning, she doesn't want me to come in her room. I know I am an adult and can control my emotions, but it hurts! It is especially upsetting because I feel like I do everything for her(Yes I know I sound like a martyr). My husband works 7 days a week, 6 of those days from 8-8:30. He drives her to daycare in the mornings and drops her off, but I do everything else. He only makes it home after she is already asleep, so the only time they have quality time is on Sunday when he gets four hours off. Every single day I make her dinner, give her a bath, play with her, make sure she doesn't get into things she shouldn't, put her to sleep, read her stories. And it just stings when I am her primary caregiver, and it is like I could drop off the face of the earth and she wouldn't notice. I was so excited to be a mom, and I stayed home until she was 10 months old. She and I were very close. And now that I am working, I am worried that our relationship is being affected by all this. I just feel so sad about it and have no idea what to do. It is affecting quite a few areas of my life, including my weight loss. I have been so stressed about this, and having a difficult time focusing on myself. I feel like a failure on the parenting front.
*Edited to clarify that while this is upsetting in no way do I think she is a bad child, or unhappy. I do not want her to love me more than her father. I am happy that she enjoys her father's, her grandparent's, her aunt's company so much. I am not in a contest to be the best parent, to be her favorite. I am simply hoping that she does not feel an aversion to me in the company of others. I want her to grow up well adjusted and validated as a child, and if she needs to have me away for awhile, that is okay. I am not looking for her to fill my emotional needs, I am a little concerned my husband and my parenting lifestyle is causing this rift. My sole concern is making sure she is being taken care of. If it is a phase great, but I do not appreciate being called childish or jealous.
*Edited to clarify that while this is upsetting in no way do I think she is a bad child, or unhappy. I do not want her to love me more than her father. I am happy that she enjoys her father's, her grandparent's, her aunt's company so much. I am not in a contest to be the best parent, to be her favorite. I am simply hoping that she does not feel an aversion to me in the company of others. I want her to grow up well adjusted and validated as a child, and if she needs to have me away for awhile, that is okay. I am not looking for her to fill my emotional needs, I am a little concerned my husband and my parenting lifestyle is causing this rift. My sole concern is making sure she is being taken care of. If it is a phase great, but I do not appreciate being called childish or jealous.
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Replies
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She's used to you, she misses them. Take it how you will.0
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She doesn't hate you, she sees you constantly and she missed her dad/grandma.0
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Sorry to hear that, but kids do what they want. My child idolises his father, who is not a moral person.
You know what, all that matters is his safety and happiness. It doesn't matter what I feel.
Also, self pity is a terrible debilitating thing and I think you're giving in to it.
Toughen up girl, things could be worse.
Don't use it as an excuse to be weak.
Sympathy isn't going to make you feel better, but here's a fact, your daughter loves you! Nothing you do will change that.
Now please pull yourself up and be strong!0 -
she's 15 months old. you can't assign adult emotions and motives to a 15 month old baby. they are too young to think those thoughts yet.0
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I've been feeling the same way lately. I have 3 kids (almost 3 year old twin boys and an almost 1 year old girl) and they all prefer dad or grandparents. It's not fair! I'm the one they see all the time. I'm the one they see doing the most for them (daddy is gone all day as well). I've been told it's just because they are used to the mom and it's a special treat for them to see daddy and grandparents. I guess I understand, but it's hard.0
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I have no children so I can't say I understand what your going through but I can tell you this. My Mom was my primary care giver, My father was a heroin addict was only home very little and I thought the sun and moon set in his eyes. I loved him and always wanted to be a daddy's girl. I would wait up at night looking out the window to watch for him to come home and sadly most nights he never came home. I didn't realize how I affected my Mom who is now my best friend during those years. She always told me I loved my Dad more than her. I don't think it was that at all, I think it was because she was always there and he wasn't. It all changed the older I got I went to my Mom for everything and at 43 years old she is my hero! Always will be without her I would be nothing. Don't get me wrong even though my Dad never done much (anything really) for me I still loved him because he was my Dad. I had no contact with him for a very long time unfortunately I will never have the chance to talk to him again as he passed away suddenly in his sleep a couple years ago.
I guess what I am trying to get at in this very long winded post is that lil girl are always Daddy's girls when they are little and some even when they are grown but trust me she can't do without you.0 -
I'm going to guess that this has something to do with the fact that five months ago you went back to work. She was used to being with you all the time for 10 months then you replaced yourself with a daycare provider, right? So her relationship with everyone else (dad, grandma, etc.) stayed the same because they never had been with her all the time, but her relationship with you changed.
At 15 months she cannot express herself in words but she can show her displeasure in actions. I wonder if there is some way you could spend more time with her? Could you cut back on your hours at work?
ETA: maybe you are feeling a little sad or guilty about leaving her and are more sensitive right now. Be kind to yourself.0 -
Sounds like you are being a little childish and jealous because she is sharing her love with others. She is just a baby and does not hate you. Kids, like adults, get use to the people that are around them all the time and I think she just get excited when new faces show up. It is like having a new toy and something/someone new to play with. This is just one small phase in your and her life and you have much bigger and MANY more challenges/struggles that you will need to endure over the next 20 years. This is not something that I would be worried about. Just be happy that she is happy and enjoying attention, love and time from others. Relax and stop worrying, she does not hate you!0
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she's 15 months old. you can't assign adult emotions and motives to a 15 month old baby. they are too young to think those thoughts yet.
I am not assigning my daughter adult emotions. Toddlers at this age do feel love and attachment. I am not expecting her to bring me roses and color my name in the sidewalk with hearts. I am trying to get some input as to how I can either work on this or accept it. Do you have a child?0 -
It's not a contest. It's parenting.0
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I have a 13 month little girl and its the same situation. Daddy doesnt see her m-f because of work but she is a daddys girl. Its ok though because I know she loves me and cries for me if shes upset. Dont worry, your baby loves you!!!0
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she's 15 months old. you can't assign adult emotions and motives to a 15 month old baby. they are too young to think those thoughts yet.
I am not assigning my daughter adult emotions. Toddlers at this age do feel love and attachment. I am not expecting her to bring me roses and color my name in the sidewalk with hearts. I am trying to get some input as to how I can either work on this or accept it. Do you have a child?
Accept it! Children go through fazes.
This is nothing, Wait until she 15 years old! (I have 3 daughters)0 -
I'm going to guess that this has something to do with the fact that five months ago you went back to work. She was used to being with you all the time for 10 months then you replaced yourself with a daycare provider, right? So her relationship with everyone else (dad, grandma, etc.) stayed the same because they never had been with her all the time, but her relationship with you changed.
At 15 months she cannot express herself in words but she can show her displeasure in actions. I wonder if there is some way you could spend more time with her? Could you cut back on your hours at work?
I had to go back to work because my husband left his well paying job to go work for his father for less money. It wasn't really a choice, but it was the only option. I cannot work less. I wish I could. As far as getting off work, that is the most time I spend with her, but it is doing all the things she hates that are necessary. IE bath, naps, bedtime, not eating the dogs food. haha. I spend my weekends with her, and she seems to enjoy it when it is just her and I.0 -
I'm going to guess that this has something to do with the fact that five months ago you went back to work. She was used to being with you all the time for 10 months then you replaced yourself with a daycare provider, right? So her relationship with everyone else (dad, grandma, etc.) stayed the same because they never had been with her all the time, but her relationship with you changed.
At 15 months she cannot express herself in words but she can show her displeasure in actions. I wonder if there is some way you could spend more time with her? Could you cut back on your hours at work?
I like how you ignore the fact that the dad went from probably having normal hours to working 7 days a week, but point out it's the mother's relationship with the daughter that changed because she "replaced" herself with daycare.0 -
I just thought of a "dieting" comparison: imagine that 6 days a week you're having salad, and low-fat chicken breast, and ground turkey, and then Sunday is your "cheat day": huge ice cream sundae with hot fudge and all the fixings!! That's probably what it's like for her. Of course you're providing for her, and caring for her, but you're the "routine" she's used to (and I DON'T mean this in any negative sense whatsoever). Those four hours on Sunday with her Dada are like the "sundae" - something exciting and out-of-the-ordinary! She certainly doesn't "hate" you; she's just human and enjoys the excitement of a change of pace! I've raised two children and believe me, they love and need you! Try not to get too ruffled; if you can't get through this, you're a goner during those dreaded teenage years, LOL!! : )0
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I didn't read most these posts because I'm on my phone and being chased by a llama, but I recommend you give your daughter time, you keep giving her love, she'll come around!0
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I promise you, she still adores you. Kids go through phases. My 5 year old still goes back and forth between wanting someone (anyone) but mama, and being super clingy. It doesn't seem to matter whether I'm going to class full time, or staying home full time. My 2 year old has gone through the same, and 18 months seemed to be the witching hour for them both, when they were all over everyone except me. I know it's hard, and hurtful (even though you know she doesn't mean for it to be). But think of it this way... she's confident in you. You're her safe place. So she's able to explore other relationships with security, knowing that you're always, always going to be there for her. Independence is a compliment, even when it's hard to accept it as one.
Just keep being the fantastic mama you are. The pendulum will swing back, and she'll be a complete mama's girl.0 -
I can tell you that when I went back to work with all of my babies, it affected their relationship with me. But it was a temporary thing. Babies have feelings and emotions. A lot of the time I would pick them up and hear how great they were all day, but they would fight and be cranky all evening. My pediatrician said that they were more comfortable with me there, and could also use their behavior to express their displeasure with me. I started picking them up and bringing them home and spending a certain amount of time cuddling and kissing on them and unwinding. She's 15 months old. She has feelings but is too young to express them verbally. I know it hurts...but you know your baby loves you. She probably just wants to play with the others because she doesn't see them as much as she sees you, so they are different. My 2 year old wants nothing to do with me once her daddy walks in the door in the evening. But then she will go for a month or so and want no one but me to put her to sleep. Kids go through phases, and this one will pass quickly. Just keep supplying cuddles and kisses, and try not to take it personally.0
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This is completely normal kid behavior. It has nothing to do with you.0
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Have you thought that you might have some sort of lingering postpartum depression? Sort of sounds like it to me.0
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I promise you, she still adores you. Kids go through phases. My 5 year old still goes back and forth between wanting someone (anyone) but mama, and being super clingy. It doesn't seem to matter whether I'm going to class full time, or staying home full time. My 2 year old has gone through the same, and 18 months seemed to be the witching hour for them both, when they were all over everyone except me. I know it's hard, and hurtful (even though you know she doesn't mean for it to be). But think of it this way... she's confident in you. You're her safe place. So she's able to explore other relationships with security, knowing that you're always, always going to be there for her. Independence is a compliment, even when it's hard to accept it as one.
Just keep being the fantastic mama you are. The pendulum will swing back, and she'll be a complete mama's girl.
That puts it into great perspective. Maybe I am simply lucky enough that she knows I am not going anywhere, and sometimes I should be less of a broccoli police and more of a fun time.0 -
Welcome to my world. My kids are both daddys boys. It does tear at my heart, but at least they have a good dad who loves them
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This behavior is 100% normal for this age! For the first year or so of a child's life, mom is generally central, even if the child goes to day care and even if dad or another adult does a lot of the care giving at home. As a child hits their second year, their brain is developing rapidly, and they start recognizing more of the differences between caregivers. This is also a point where they start experimenting with independence (that's what the "terrible two's" are really all about), so saying no, pushing mom away, etc is part of the way of testing it out.
OP - I know it hurts sometimes. But try to remind yourself that this is normal behavior, and nothing against you. When you feel frustrated or upset, try not to let her see it (the more reaction she gets, the more it will spur the behavior - again that's normal!) Remind yourself that she is showing normal behavior and be glad that she is developing appropriately.0 -
Don't worry - it won't always be that way. When my son (my firstborn, who's 16 now) was a baby, it seemed he ALWAYS preferred his dad. I cried over it. But as he got a little bit bigger - into the toddler years, it evened out. Then, whenever he got hurt or something, he always came to me. 6 years after he was born, we had my daughter (soon to be 10 now) and she's totally a mama's girl! Hang in there, it does get better.0
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It is a stage. both of my kids went through it.0
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When I had to go back to work and put my daughter into daycare, she had a hard time adjusting. As hurtful and unfair as it felt to me, she was angry that I was no longer with her all day every day. Eventually she adjusted, and didn't take it out on me anymore. Also, like others have said, your daughter sees her father less than she sees you, so she craves him more. Don't take things too personally, she is only a baby.
You need to set your own needs aside and do your best to meet HER needs. After all, you are an adult, and you didn't have a baby to meet your emotional needs. But she deserves to have her needs met.0 -
Frankly, the end goal in parenting is to do what you need to do to produce a balanced, contented and socially productive adult.
It's your duty to develop HER self-esteem, not the other way around.0 -
When I had to go back to work and put my daughter into daycare, she had a hard time adjusting. As hurtful and unfair as it felt to me, she was angry that I was no longer with her all day every day. Eventually she adjusted, and didn't take it out on me anymore. Also, like others have said, your daughter sees her father less than she sees you, so she craves him more. Don't take things too personally, she is only a baby.
You need to set your own needs aside and do your best to meet HER needs. After all, you are an adult, and you didn't have a baby to meet your emotional needs. But she deserves to have her needs met.
MIND READER!!! :laugh:0 -
First don't take it personally. I know this is hard, but you are what she is used to, and other people are the novelties.
Second, what kind of emotions do you display around the child? The other family members greet her with a giant smile.
I had the same conversation with my wife 18 years ago, do not worry about this.0 -
When I had to go back to work and put my daughter into daycare, she had a hard time adjusting. As hurtful and unfair as it felt to me, she was angry that I was no longer with her all day every day. Eventually she adjusted, and didn't take it out on me anymore. Also, like others have said, your daughter sees her father less than she sees you, so she craves him more. Don't take things too personally, she is only a baby.
You need to set your own needs aside and do your best to meet HER needs. After all, you are an adult, and you didn't have a baby to meet your emotional needs. But she deserves to have her needs met.
MIND READER!!! :laugh:
Scary! :laugh:0
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