I am no longer my daughter's hero

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Replies

  • jboccio90
    jboccio90 Posts: 644 Member
    This is normal, a lot of other posters have pretty much said what I would say.

    This will hurt and this will suck for you and you won't understand why because there isn't anything you've done wrong. As someone said, it's hard not give children the emotions or discretion that adults would have and expect them not to think as you or I would. This can apply to anything not just your situation. I know I am guilty of that with my daughter.

    We can't always be disney land for our children and give them undivided attention all the time, my daughter visits her grandmas twice a week and they literally play with her the entire time so of course she wants to go there over her own home since I can't sit on the floor all day when household things need to be done. Have my feelings been hurt when she says she would rather live with grandma? sure but I know she loves me and when she says that I just try to make sure she and I do something special that day because maybe I am not playing with her enough or giving her the attention she is craving.

    Being a mom is hard emotionally and physically, as you know there is no handbook lol the next month she could feel completely different and favor you. I guess my suggestion is that you and her do something special together like take her for ice cream , the park or do a craft with her where you can just focus on only her and maybe you already do these things but this is what I personally do.

    Just remember that your daughter loves you and knowing this might just have to be enough for a while. :heart:
  • MizMimi111
    MizMimi111 Posts: 244 Member
    I agree with so much of what has been said already, and that you have clearly stated that you learned and understand.

    i also want to add that it is normal to feel concerned and to have questioned and to have looked into it. I can see the concern is for your daughter's well being. You are a good mom. You cared, you reached out, you learned. Parenting can be stressful sometimes with worries. This phase will pass. You are doing well. It's good to get advice from people you can trust. And it's good to have outlets for your own emotions. You might want to consider some affordable counseling options.

    ^^This!

    I think it shows you are a loving and concerned mom. It's normal to feel a bit hurt when your child seems to prefer someone else over you. Especially your first as you have no previous experience from which to draw. I doubt counseling is needed unless it starts to manifest in negative behavior towards your daughter or husband.

    Moms worry...about every little thing! It's what we do. :flowerforyou:
  • sengalissa
    sengalissa Posts: 253 Member
    I just thought of a "dieting" comparison: imagine that 6 days a week you're having salad, and low-fat chicken breast, and ground turkey, and then Sunday is your "cheat day": huge ice cream sundae with hot fudge and all the fixings!! That's probably what it's like for her. Of course you're providing for her, and caring for her, but you're the "routine" she's used to (and I DON'T mean this in any negative sense whatsoever). Those four hours on Sunday with her Dada are like the "sundae" - something exciting and out-of-the-ordinary! She certainly doesn't "hate" you; she's just human and enjoys the excitement of a change of pace! I've raised two children and believe me, they love and need you! Try not to get too ruffled; if you can't get through this, you're a goner during those dreaded teenage years, LOL!! : )
    This. And yes, I have children. People say the better they let go of you, the stronger the bond must be. Your bond with her much be very strong so she is able to "take you for granted" and reach out to others. Celebrate!
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    I agree with so much of what has been said already, and that you have clearly stated that you learned and understand.

    i also want to add that it is normal to feel concerned and to have questioned and to have looked into it. I can see the concern is for your daughter's well being. You are a good mom. You cared, you reached out, you learned. Parenting can be stressful sometimes with worries. This phase will pass. You are doing well. It's good to get advice from people you can trust. And it's good to have outlets for your own emotions. You might want to consider some affordable counseling options.

    ^^This!

    I think it shows you are a loving and concerned mom. It's normal to feel a bit hurt when your child seems to prefer someone else over you. Especially your first as you have no previous experience from which to draw. I doubt counseling is needed unless it starts to manifest in negative behavior towards your daughter or husband.

    Moms worry...about every little thing! It's what we do. :flowerforyou:

    Yeah, I only meant if she needs counseling for her own self. I did because my childhood was severely abusive. I needed to work that stuff out before I had kids and more after I had kids. But whatever outlet a person has can work. Doesn't need to be counseling.

    I didn't have the same concern as the Op, but I had other concerns at moments.
  • Swedish_Squirrel
    Swedish_Squirrel Posts: 2 Member
    It sounds like she is your world and it hurts sometimes when you feel the same isn't true for her. That is totally normal. Especially when you are in the situation where although there are two parents you sometimes feel like you are alone because you do all the "grunt" work and dad gets to do the fun or "easy" stuff like just have cuddles or do bathtime. And especially when your "reward" for all the work is the smiles and giggles and affection from your child. *sending you huge hugs*

    Speaking from experience (from my childhood) being taken for granted by your child means you give are giving your child a solid sense of security that mommy won't leave. My mom was always there (SAHM) and my dad was often away on business. Someone else here compared it to dieting in that dad is the sundae - I absolutely agree with this. My dad was my sundae and I cherished every moment I got to spend with him in a way that I didn't the moments I spent with my mom, simply because she was always there. My dad may have been my sundae but my mom was my rock.

    It sounds like you are doing an awesome job of being a rock. =)
  • Kara52217
    Kara52217 Posts: 353 Member
    she sees you more than anyone... it is a faze and she will get over it... just try not to push her on it and she will come around.
  • PinkyFett
    PinkyFett Posts: 842 Member
    I'm stay at home mom. All my kids did this. They were used to me and around me 24/7. Trust me, when they get older you'll be glad they wanna bug daddy lol.
  • wilsoje74
    wilsoje74 Posts: 1,720 Member
    This is just the beginning of parenting difficulties!!!! You dont necessarily need to be her hero. Or her best friend. Or her favorite person. If you take parenting too personally you will get hurt. A lot. My kids are 11 and 14 and if I let their actions get to me I would be a crying mess. Your job is to be a constant in her life, good or bad, through everything. Parenting is a selfless job. You may not always get back what you need or deserve but please don't put pressure on her to give you validation.
  • TheVirgoddess
    TheVirgoddess Posts: 4,535 Member
    You're the mama - that one that is always there. Everyone else is "new" and "exciting" because they aren't the consistent care givers. It does hurt, but it will pass, I promise.
  • JamieD328
    JamieD328 Posts: 976 Member
    You haven't seen anything yet.

    Wait until she turns 14 - you'll be a wreck.

    What is it about 14? My teenage boys are insane. At least they are past the point where I have to force them to take showers and now shower ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME! LOL! I swear I'm time-locking my daughter so she never hits puberty.

    OP - Your daughter sounds like she's developing normally. Other posters have already mentioned about her changing her focus from her primary caregiver to others. You have obviously done a good job as her mom because she is able to share her love and excitement to her father and others, which she would have learned first from you.

    Well, not to be gross, but it makes sense they are showering all the time. I mean, what do you THINK they are doing in there? Better than socks...:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :sad: :sad: :sad:

    I live forever in denial, and a giant cloud of that nasty Axe body spray they think smells good. :drinker:

    Mom's are good at that sort of denial. My stepmom would complain about my half brother (10 years younger than me) "I know his hair is greasy, but he spends an hour in the shower!"
  • Cordy_in_CT
    Cordy_in_CT Posts: 134 Member
    she's 15 months old. you can't assign adult emotions and motives to a 15 month old baby. they are too young to think those thoughts yet.


    I am not assigning my daughter adult emotions. Toddlers at this age do feel love and attachment. I am not expecting her to bring me roses and color my name in the sidewalk with hearts. I am trying to get some input as to how I can either work on this or accept it. Do you have a child?

    Accept it! Children go through fazes.
    This is nothing, Wait until she 15 years old! (I have 3 daughters)

    ^^^^^^ This ^^^^^ I have an 18 year old daughter who is pushing me away BIG TIME right now. Damn, it hurts!!! But at 15 months, I think it's much different. They're not old enough to think rationally - intellectually or emotionally. I think just a phase - as I'M HOPING IT IS with my 18 year old. When you give everything you have, and support in every way for 18 years, nothing could possibly hurt more than being pushed away. I can only pray that it will change in time.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    she's 15 months old. you can't assign adult emotions and motives to a 15 month old baby. they are too young to think those thoughts yet.

    This
  • Inshape13
    Inshape13 Posts: 680 Member
    I just thought of a "dieting" comparison: imagine that 6 days a week you're having salad, and low-fat chicken breast, and ground turkey, and then Sunday is your "cheat day": huge ice cream sundae with hot fudge and all the fixings!! That's probably what it's like for her. Of course you're providing for her, and caring for her, but you're the "routine" she's used to (and I DON'T mean this in any negative sense whatsoever). Those four hours on Sunday with her Dada are like the "sundae" - something exciting and out-of-the-ordinary! She certainly doesn't "hate" you; she's just human and enjoys the excitement of a change of pace! I've raised two children and believe me, they love and need you! Try not to get too ruffled; if you can't get through this, you're a goner during those dreaded teenage years, LOL!! : )

    I was thinking the same thing because my daughter used to LOVE to spend time with her grandmother and it felt the same way that she was turning to her when we were in the same room. If they do not spend as much time with someone, it is definitely "time to cherish" when they do. It is not turning away from you, but being excited to see them they do not see as regularly. Hang in there and know that she loves you and needs you.
  • IlluminatedMayhem
    IlluminatedMayhem Posts: 177
    I have a 2-year-old and a soon to be 5-month-old. They both prefer to play with their daddy. But if they are hungry, tired, hurt or otherwise upset, its me they want. Hubby works and I don't so I figure they get bored of me and want to play with someone who's not here all the time.
  • JamieD328
    JamieD328 Posts: 976 Member
    And my husband works nights, sleeps in the day and plays video games in between, but my two kids love him dearly. When I have to discipline the kids, they want whatever grandma they think they can get to. Daddy is novelty, and the grandparents save them when I have to be the only one who punishes bad behavior. I'm sure its similar with many moms but you'll just have to get a thicker skin and know if the tables were reversed you'd be the one who your child would want, but you wouldn't get as much time with your child.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
    I think you can turn this situation to your advantage a little.

    On time when dad has a little more than brief time away from his job to spend with her, he can do the bathing or other care essentials with her. Since he's her fave right now, it will be easier for him, give you a break, and help her process that those mundane tasks are love and caring.

    I think that her excitement towards grandma is healthy meaning you have so far managed to produce a secure child who is enthusiastic with adults other than you and that can translate to some free babysitting for you to just get some yoga or other relax time in.

    I think overall i hear a tone of resentment or dissappointment to having to return to work. I'm not sure if you felt your husbands decision was unilateral or emotionally rather than financially based but it sounds a little like that to me. I'd recommend you guys discuss this point by itself at some point in the near future maybe after you have these other routines with dad and grandma established.

    Even though to you it might seem like encouraging her more in the direction of others rather than you I think you'll find that in the future she will be able to reframe that all the grown ups are about rules and tasks and it's still all fun. Rather than making you the heavy and everyone else the party time ppl. I also think part of your sadness about this course of events is resulting from being rather tired from working and then also doing all the work in regards to her just because dad's not home much anymore and you are more.

    Overall I think it's a huge upheaval for every single one of you down to grandma and the more you can ramp up the volume on things like patience, understanding, and problem solving and empathy for everyone involved the smoother you guys will all get to a point of steady stasis.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,496 Member
    Trust when I say that sometimes how we view ourselves with being "good" with our kids, may look differently from the outside. Case in point: My BIL said that I sounded angry all the time when I spoke to my daughter (when she was a toddler). I didn't think I did, so out of curiosity, I videoed myself with my daughter for a day. I was appalled at how I actually spoke to her. And my BIL was right, I sounded angry all the time when I wasn't internally. Kids aren't dumb and pick up on this. Just a thought if it's something you may want to check out.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • iPlatano
    iPlatano Posts: 487 Member
    Think of it as new toy that you just had when you were young or doming you really like doing but you haven't done in a long time. She's with you every single time. My nephew just mention my name all the time and always ask my family where am I because I don't spend as much time with her as my other family members. That's just the way it is.
  • timodawson
    timodawson Posts: 41 Member
    This behavior is 100% normal for this age! For the first year or so of a child's life, mom is generally central, even if the child goes to day care and even if dad or another adult does a lot of the care giving at home. As a child hits their second year, their brain is developing rapidly, and they start recognizing more of the differences between caregivers. This is also a point where they start experimenting with independence (that's what the "terrible two's" are really all about), so saying no, pushing mom away, etc is part of the way of testing it out.

    OP - I know it hurts sometimes. But try to remind yourself that this is normal behavior, and nothing against you. When you feel frustrated or upset, try not to let her see it (the more reaction she gets, the more it will spur the behavior - again that's normal!) Remind yourself that she is showing normal behavior and be glad that she is developing appropriately.

    This. For the first year or so of my daughters life she was all about mommy. Then after that, she was all about me. She's 4 now and it is starting to even out but I have noticed she listens to me more than her mom. I think that may be normal though, Dad's tend to be a little more authoritative.

    Anyway, this seems normal to me and all of our friends with kids (especially little girls) go through this exact same thing.
  • danasings
    danasings Posts: 8,218 Member
    This is completely normal kid behavior. It has nothing to do with you.

    ^Exactly.

    Also, you sound like you have PPD. My kids are 3 and almost 5 and I'm still dealing with it. If you have insurance, maybe look into some treatment options for this...it'll help, believe me.

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