Fitter than your partner?



  • indunna
    indunna Posts: 221 Member

    His weight has never affected my attraction to him, and I've never said anything about his weight, except to support his desire to lose weight. Weight is such a personal issue for many people (most, I'd say) that I would never tell anyone, let alone a spouse, that they needed to lose weight. If you're fat, you already know it.


    You can't tell someone else what he needs to do. I'm more fit and thinner than my husband, but when I was heavy, he never said word one to me about my weight. I would have been crushed if he had...especially if he had told me (or anyone) that he was not as physically attracted to me as he once was. My MIL made a comment about my weight two and a half months ago and it devastated me. I can't imagine how I would have reacted had it been someone who means the world to me.

    Your husband will realize, at some point, that he needs to do something. Until then, just keep doing for you. And be ready to support him when he decides to make a change.

    Although I am improving, my husband is stronger, faster and leaner than I am. He never once said anything to me about my becoming obese and never made me feel like it impacted his attraction to me. It would have crushed me AND made the problem worse as I was comfort eating out of depression and low self esteem. When I did start taking my weight and fitness seriously he did nothing but support me - no complaints about my changing my cooking and often watching the kiddos when I worked out. His only comments on the topic have been that I seem happier and more energetic since losing weight and a suggestion that maybe I should buy some smaller clothes to show off my new shape.

    I love and appreciate my husband so much and suggest anyone with a less fit partner follow his example.
  • MrTolerable
    MrTolerable Posts: 1,593
    From a cardio point of view, I kick my hubby's butt, but he is pretty strong and spends more time lifting that I do (I'm still just getting in to weights), so from that aspect, he pips me there big time. From a healthy eating point of view, I would say my diet is much better than his. His metabolism is VERY high, so he can literally shovel all kinds of crap in his mouth and not put a pound on (grrr!). I just wish he would eat a bit more fresh food than he does (he eats a lot of processed stuff), but he is slap bang in the middle of the healthy BMI scale and has only like 10% body-fat, so doesn't feel the need to change his eating habits at the moment.

    ^I wish I had 10% body-fat and could eat like that. :sad:

    sounds like you got a keeper! :love:
  • mlanders22
    mlanders22 Posts: 140 Member
    I lost 70 pounds while I was married to my ex. We both started off morbidly obese. He didn't like anyting fitness related. He is still morbidly obese.
    Since I started dating again I've been more into fitness than most of the guys. The guy I'm currently seeing is really into biking, which I think is great. It's nice to be able to have shared hobbies.
  • chunkmunk
    chunkmunk Posts: 221 Member
    I think hubby and I are about equally fit. His body is asthetically better, with more muscles and less fat than mine, but my diet is far better than his. It's nice to both be striving toward the same goals. But frankly, at other times in our marriage one of us has been fitter than the other (usually him, as I've had three babies) and it hasn't really changed how we feel about each other. We make fitness a priority now because we like how good it makes us feel and because it sets a good example for our kids. The ability to look pretty good at a pool in our 40s is just a bonus. :laugh:
  • 0somuchbetter0
    0somuchbetter0 Posts: 1,334 Member
    My hub has always been fit because he's active duty Army. Alas, he's never really learned good eating habits. When I met him his method for weight control was skipping dinner and running five miles a day. Now he's getting older and his knees have crapped out (torn meniscus x2, surgery on both knees) and he's about 30 lbs overweight. I try to help him with food choices, etc., but I don't want to nag. He basically starves all day (coffee for breakfast, banana for lunch), then comes home and eats non-stop until he goes to bed. I calculated his calories on the sly one day and they added up to about 3000. He still exercises like crazy to keep up with his PT tests, but the weight keeps creeping up. I'm afraid that when he retires he's going to get huge unless he learns how to eat better. I love him so much and I want him to feel good about himself, but I can't be the food police -- he is STUBBORN and every time I've suggested he eat more during the day and count calories, he just blows me off and says "That'll never work for me." Don't know what to do. :(
  • heatheremde
    heatheremde Posts: 43 Member
    In the course of my relationship over the past 6 years.....

    I started out less than 10 pounds overweight, got pregnant, gained around 30, and have just recently lost 30.
    He did not seem overweight when we started dating and has gained around 50, lost around 20, so still around 30 more than when we got together.

    When we started dating, oh man I thought he was pretty cute. NOW he is 30 pounds heavier and... I think he is incredibly attractive, amazing, a sweet and loving father, and an amazing partner in my life. Do I care that he weighs more? NO, I love him unconditionally and I ADORE him.

    If I ever thought that his weight was a turn off that would be an indicator that there is something that I am unhappy with about myself and I am projecting it onto him. I cannot ever imagine referencing his weight to him negatively, I cannot imagine how hurtful that would be for him and hurting him in any way is the LAST thing I want to do, I mean I love the guy!

    I get on diet and workout kicks and he always supports me, even when I do not feel like doing it anymore he has never said a word.

    In other words I think you need to figure out what the real problem is, sometimes that is hard to do.
  • jaxass
    jaxass Posts: 2,128 Member
    9 years ago, which was my last girlfriend, we were equally fit but not working out...just fit! I was coaching football and running but no weights and I certainly wasn't eating right. She had a desk job and never worked out. She looked good, though, so no complaints.

    I never really thought about whether my woman was in shape or not. If I loved her, I didn't care. Hmmm! However, I've been divorced 15 years and have only been in love once since then, so I'm not really the guy to give great information about relationships, obviously.
  • _lyndseybrooke_
    _lyndseybrooke_ Posts: 2,561 Member
    I'm 5'5" 134 lbs, looking to get to 125-130ish. I lift heavy 3 days per week, 2 days of cardio, and I log my food religiously. I consider myself to be in decent shape. My husband is 5'9" 155 lbs and currently bulking in an attempt to get up to 165. He lifts about 3 days per week and eats whatever he wants.

    I'm getting faster results because he won't log his calories. He's gaining strength, but not mass - so he's obviously not eating enough calories. He knows what he needs to do, but he just doesn't want to log because it's a hassle.

    I'd consider him to be in better shape than I am. He can outlift me and has a lower BMI. His belly is flat and his body fat percentage is low. He can eat a ridiculous amount of calories and not gain weight. Neither of us is really fit or really unfit.
  • leadslinger17
    leadslinger17 Posts: 297 Member
    I know I'm in way better shape than I was when I met her actually. Doesn't mean I get lucky more, but at least I look better when I get rejected 8)

    Lol, I feel you brother. I'd say we are about the same, although we enjoy different activities most of the time and our goals are different. I'd also say my wife and I struggle more on the eating side than on the exercise side since we both enjoy our workouts a lot.
  • NewMnky1
    NewMnky1 Posts: 264
    When my husband and I started dating I was very thin (don't know about healthy, but thin) and he was much smaller too. We got fat together.
    I ended up being bigger than my husband (my husband is obese). I, and I can't stress the I enough, made the decision to lose weight. Just because I made a decision for myself does not mean I can or should project that onto my husband.
    Unless a person really wants to, or is really ready to lose weight they won't. If I pushed him or bugged him to lose weight it would only result in him resenting me and causing an issue between us (same as if it was reversed)
    While I do want him to healthy and be around for a long time I cannot change him or his habits, only he can do that and only if he wants to.
    I am always amazed by people who think that just because they made a decision for themselves that their spouse should automatically follow along.
    I always use an example like this: If my husband took up a hobby like fixing old cars, just because he wants to do that and likes it, does that mean I have to do it too?? I think not.
    I love my husband regardless of what size he is, in fact, I love him more today than the day we got married, regardless of what he looks like, it is about him, his values, personality etc.
    People should understand that if they make a decision for themselves it is just that, a decision for yourself, not for you and your spouse.
  • jlynnm70
    jlynnm70 Posts: 460 Member
    To look at us - you'd probably guess he is the 'fitter' of the two - but looks can be decieving.

    He is 5'11" and about 145 - had an active job (laid off 3 months ago) and now doesn't really do much but sit around the house.

    Me - 5'0" and about 137 - have a sedentary job (desk at a law firm) but I go for walks and to work out a few times a week. A couple weeks ago we were gardening - and funny thing was I carried all the bags of soil to the backyard - and the 40# bag of charcoal - and the 50# bag of dog food (which used to kill me, but wasn't all that hard this time). Normally I would have had him carry all that stuff - he went inside for like 5 minutes and when he came out he was surprised that I had the car entirely unloaded.

    I also have WAY BETTER cardio endurance. We both take the kids skating on the weekends, he is by far the better skater (think of the tricks they can do in an old diet coke commercial) and is faster (all legs) but I can skate at my top speed way longer than he can.

    I am probably the one in better shape - but most people wouldn't realize it by looking.....
  • skippygirlsmom
    skippygirlsmom Posts: 4,433 Member
    I'm fitter and eat better, he's retired Army and gained the retirement 15 and knows the lack of PT is catching up with him. I don't say anything, he still looks great to me...also even at my highest 180 he would never tell me I needed to lose weight or get in shape.
  • bjshields
    bjshields Posts: 677 Member
    You described my marriage to a T! At this point, I just try to do the best for myself and let him do what he wants. It's definitely not very attractive, though, I have to say that. I think someone who is working on his body, even if it's not totally fit, is attractive. He is a good person, and that helps. Good luck to you both!
  • jennk5309
    jennk5309 Posts: 206 Member
    I met my husband when we were both overweight. I lost quite a bit, he didn't. I'm gaining though now because I'm pregnant and too much of it is fat, so I'll probably be back at square one when I'm done. Excess weight is an issue for him when it comes to feeling attracted to a woman, and not so much of an issue for me being attracted to a man, to a point. At some point, a man with a huge belly becomes a turn-off, but my husband is no where near that. I am far less visual than him. It feels kind of unfair that I have to stay in better shape than him to keep him really attracted to me, but I know that at least he loves me no matter what. Wanting to keep him really attracted to me helps keep me working on staying in shape all the time. I probably would let myself go somewhat if I had a husband who LOVED heavy I'm kinda glad my husband is NOT one of those men.

    I can't wait for the storm to follow this post, where everyone says my hubby is a shallow jerk......I haven't read through the posts, but I wouldn't be surprised if they are saying the same about you. Just remember, this is the internet, and everyone has an opinion about how everyone else should live, think, breathe and exist.
  • samanthalee87
    samanthalee87 Posts: 178
    I'd say I'm probably in better shape as I am better with nutrition (and drink less beer than he does!) but in terms of working out, there's a lot more he can do than I can. He can run a 10k no problem, he can get through Insanity without taking breaks and he has a very physical job, whereas I don't.

    We have struggled with the issues you're having as well. It came down to some of the best we've had are working out together. You bond, you work hard, you push each other past your limits, and because working out makes you feel good, you both naturally want to do more - like house work and helping out with the family! It's definitely not something I could force on him. I do my things by cooking the right foods and working out every day and that encourages him to do more.

    He has to want it, he has to have the fight. If he doesn't have it, it can't be forced. One thing I often do is compliment him when he does accomplish something, such as getting a workout in, cooking a healthy meal, not splurging on crappy foods throughout the day. Praise him for what he does right, and he'll want to do more of that! We're human so generally we like recognition. If he sees you positively reinforcing him, he'll want more of that and less of the being frustrated with him!

    Hope that helps! I know it's a tough situation, and the feeling 'unattracted' to him is so hurtful on both levels, but just try your best and try different methods of making him feel good when he does something good for his body :)
  • CitizenXVIII
    CitizenXVIII Posts: 117 Member
    My wife is about 21.5% body fat and I'm about 19%. She had our second child a year ago July, and I guess I thought that if she had a big belly, I needed one too. She's now lost down to below her pre-baby weight, and I'm below where I was before kids as well and still dropping. She was motivated and moving first, so I had some catching up to do.
  • PapaverSomniferum
    PapaverSomniferum Posts: 2,677 Member
    My partner is obese. He has lost weight since being with me, but not much. My healthy cooking and dragging him out on hikes has done little to change his habits and preferences. He likes naps and video games.

    For me, being fit is one part vanity, one part fear of aging, and one part chronic pain (scoliosis) prevention. It's not a hobby that i need to have my significant other on board with. I'd love his company, but since he spends most of any non-sexual physical activity we do together complaining, it's really more enjoyable for me to do it on my own and leave him home with his x-box.

    Since I find him attractive at a larger size, I've no sexual reason to force him to change his body composition.

    However, since weight-related health problems run in his family, I feel obligated through my love for him to sort of force him to join me sometimes. That sucks. I'd rather not have to be a nag. Diabetes and heart disease are no joke, though...
  • HMonsterX
    HMonsterX Posts: 3,000 Member
    Im in far better shape than my partner. Of my four stepkids, the 16 yo weighs 23 stone :o .... the 7 y o boy is fine, but the 3 y o girl weighs only 4lbs less than the 10 y o girl! :O

    I've tried so many times to get them eating right, or at least better...but nothing partner refuses to take responsibility for their weight, even though they get no pocket money, not even the 16 y o, and only eats what she buys.

    They have been known to get through 8 litres of pop in 2 days....sigh....

    The 16 y o went to the dentist recently for the first time since he was ... god know. He has 2 abscess, that need treatment. He is scared, and will only do it under general anesthetic. However, they have since been told since he is 23 stone is is 4 stone over the limit for it. And yet still nothing has changed in terms of their eating...2 days later she bought them a mcdonalds...not even a diet coke was bought....sigh....
  • TheWeightOfFood
    TheWeightOfFood Posts: 58 Member
    What a story! I hope things turn around for him. Has he been to the doctor lately to check his blood sugar/pressure, etc? Sometimes a little scare can go a long way (little ones!).

    My partner is very fit: 130lbs, 5'6, runs marathons for fun and does the length of a half (or more) every weekend. She's worried about not eating enough calories and nutrients to sustain the long-distance running. This is interesting to me as I'm worried about eating too many calories during a day! My partner is definitely more fit than me. Definitely.
  • DWBalboa
    DWBalboa Posts: 36,756 Member
    With the exception of about two years when I was recovering from severe injuries, I have always been more fit than my wife. My wife is not into fitness at all, she did workout when we first met but she wasn’t serious about it.
    Prior to my injury I would lift, do cardio, run, bike, hike and swim in the bay. Since the injury I have slowly gotten back into lifting, cardio, running and this season I’ll be adding swimming in the bay and hiking again, just none of those activities are near the level of my pre-injury self. My wife does like to hike too but she cannot maintain the speed or the distance that I do. I also coach a youth baseball and soccer team and often engage in activities with them as well as I started to play in pickup soccer games with other young at heart adults.
    But I’m good with the fact that she’s not into fitness as I am, it gives me time for myself. My wife is not terribly out of shape not that it would matter to me if she was; she may not have the figure she had when we met (neither do I) but she’s still hot to me.
    I do want to inspire her to start working out again but that’s more for long term health and it needs to be on her own terms.