Weight Loss and Spouse/SO issues

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Replies

  • marissanik
    marissanik Posts: 344 Member
    Younger MFP here, 20 years old family of 4. My mom likes to fill her pantry with sweets, cook everything with butter and lots more butter, and fry everything. I started my vegetarianism at the age of 16, and from then on I was pretty much alone on making meals. When I got into fitness, same thing. They still buy the same junk and don't change their habits, although I have influenced them to eat slightly better. It's all about your determination and will power. You should discuss with her the possibility of her maybe buying less of what you love. I also like to have a separate shelf in my pantry for only my good snacks, that way I'm not tempted to reach anywhere else. Best of luck resolving your issues.
  • MMulder68
    MMulder68 Posts: 139 Member
    I found another woman to talk to about the problems I'm having with my wife.

    Hope this helps.

    Not good advice. This will DEFINTELY ruin your marriage!
  • Nightstar76
    Nightstar76 Posts: 48 Member
    Maybe she feels insecure because she doesnt have the same willpower as you. It is probably more about her and her insecurities. Some spouses feel that you will find another person when you lose weight. She might feel like you are judging her. Try to talk to her when emotions arent running high .

    I agree with the above, she might be scared that you will leave her if you lose all of the weight. She might be sabotaging you out of fear!
  • logg1e
    logg1e Posts: 1,208 Member
    Is there anyone else reading some of these posts with their mouth open?
  • laurie04427
    laurie04427 Posts: 421 Member
    Well my hubby doesn't need to lose weight like I do, he's pretty athletic actually, so he will occasionally indulge in things I'm trying to avoid, but he tends to pick things that aren't as tempting to me. He partly does this so he has dibs on the whole thing lol but partly to help me out because he knows I'm trying to cut weight but don't have the best discipline sometimes.

    If your wife is buying things to really sabotage you though you have a problem and you're really going to have to discuss that with her.
  • bingo_jenn
    bingo_jenn Posts: 63 Member
    I found another woman to talk to about the problems I'm having with my wife.

    Hope this helps.

    I'm pickin' up what you're puttin' down.
  • julekinz
    julekinz Posts: 80 Member
    I had lost almost fifty lbs when my husband finally let his true colors show. He was insecure and thought I was cheating, losing weight for someone else. He also didn't believe I was going to the track alone-which I do because I don't go to chat, I go to walk-fast. So, I stopped going to the track-gained back half of the weight I'd lost, and one day my doctor got onto me-told me I was heading for diabetes, heart disease; etc. She put me on medicine and set a goal of a 20% loss. I went home and explained to my family-my children are my greatest support-that I had to make permanent changes for my health. This was last November. Guess who"s husband gave her four boxes of candy/chocolates for Christmas?!
  • dopeysmelly
    dopeysmelly Posts: 1,390 Member
    Let her do all those things - when I lived with my Dad and was losing weight he used to buy all my favorite junk food and put it on display all over the place.

    Your wife does NOT know she is doing this. And it doesn't matter.

    What matters is that you are on track - so stay on it.

    How I dealt with it was by not eating all the junk my dad bought and it would just pile up and pile up and I wouldn't touch it. And my dad would buy more and more... I didn't look at it or eat it - I was sick of being out of shape and I was strong enough to ignore all the junk.

    Don't talk to her - it will make her defensive and offend her. Just ignore all the junk and stay on track and keep your commitment strong and clear. Be the example and live the life you want to live.

    She won't catch up and she won't imitate you - but you shouldn't care. Let her get to the point where you are when she is ready. Just like you did, in the meantime, let her buy all the junk she wants. It is all unconscious and innocent - believe me.

    Stay focused!

    I agree with this (and, yes, I AM married!). First off, letting all the junk pile up will demonstrate visually to your wife just how committed you are to your own health (without you needing to say a word), and may inspire her to focus on her own health. Plus, she is probably buying you your faves because she loves you and wants you to be happy. If she brings up the subject, just give her alternative suggestions of how she already makes you happy which isn't related to food, weight, size etc.
  • greentart
    greentart Posts: 411 Member
    Fitness/Weight Loss is a personal and individual thing. We are all SINGLE when it comes to SELF-care.

    Fitness becomes a "hobby" or a new thing the INDIVIDUAL likes to do. While your spouse might like to eat cookies, garden and watch soap operas, you may like to garden, play video games and workout.

    Diet is also an INDIVIDUAL thing.

    The problem with most couples is BOUNDARIES and SPACE - many don't know where one begins and the other ends and they are in a co-dependent situation.

    Your spouse need not be like you or how you want them to be and the relationship need not be into fitness - again, it's an individual thing.

    I highly disagree.Things that affect the SELF affect the RELATIONSHIP and the OTHER. You see it as it being an issue of boundaries, but I know for a fact that my fiancé doesn't want to do the grocery shopping. Therefore, if he's trying to eat healthier and has made it clear that he is, me buying sugary *kitten* is a clear case of sabotage and it needs to be addressed.

    On top of that, letting it pile up is just a huge waste of money. He needs to sit down and talk to her, about how he appreciates that she's thinking of him but that he's no longer eating those kinds of foods. That if she wants to treat him, she can make a fruit salad or a delicious veggy dish!

    By no means can he make her exercise with him or diet with him, but if she's specifically buying these items for him, there's probably an underlying issue here that needs to be addressed.

    Sorry, but in a serious, long term relationship, you can't just sweep things under the rug.
  • SezxyStef
    SezxyStef Posts: 15,268 Member
    I am the only one in my home, family of 6, watching what I eat.

    I do not make excuses.
    I do not expect everyone else to give up things they like.

    There are cakes, cookies, carbs, koolaid... etc.




    Moderation is key. Willpower is huge.

    Yup this is me...I am in a house with 2 men...well..sort of..anyway different post...

    I buy the groceries...I do the cooking...I am the one losing weight and working out...

    I buy oreos, fudgeo's, froster flakes, fruit loops, jeez I made a brownie bottomed peanut butter cup cheesecake...I buy the rice, the toaster strudles, the ice cream, I make the cookies, that pasta with white sauce, the french fries...I make it all...

    Am I sabatoging myself? Nope so what makes you think your wife is sabatoging you...eat what you want just stay in your deficit...

    I don't get why people esp married people feel their spouse is sabatoging them when they bring food into the house...are they taping you to a chair and force feeding you? NO...

    your weight and what you put in your mouth is your responsibility...

    And my advice...why even bring it up? why have a chat with her.? she bought the groceries say thanks hunneh..you the best, grab a donut, eat and be thankful she bought the food.

    PS my advice is the same for women who say the same thing.
  • jwooley13
    jwooley13 Posts: 243
    I'm kind of in a similar position with my SO. He needs to lose weight much more so than I do - he needs to lose about 50lb to get back down to "slightly soft" - the way he was when we met. I put on about 15lbs since we started dating as well. I've lost the 15 and then some and I'm well on my way to achieving my goal while he still sits at home eating nachos and watching movies. It's honestly gotten to the point where it's interfering with our physical relationship. After about four months, he seems to be making a little bit more effort to adopt a healthy lifestyle.

    Things that definitely DON'T help:
    - Nagging
    - Talking excessively about your success
    - Criticism (lighthearted or serious)
    - Obsessing over calories/macros in front of him

    Things that have worked:
    - Asking him to join me on walks and cooking healthy meals for him when he comes over
    - Giving him positive feedback when he mentions that he ate something healthy or exercised
    - Providing him with information/resources/opinions on fitness and diet choices ONLY when asked
    - Asking him for help when I feel challenged

    These lists aren't exhaustive, but they're a starting point!

    P.S. When I have extra junk food that I know I shouldn't have in the house, I bring it to work and shout "COME AND GET IT" -- and it's gone in minutes. Works like a charm.
  • oChristyo
    oChristyo Posts: 61 Member
    Let her do all those things - when I lived with my Dad and was losing weight he used to buy all my favorite junk food and put it on display all over the place.

    Your wife does NOT know she is doing this. And it doesn't matter.

    What matters is that you are on track - so stay on it.

    How I dealt with it was by not eating all the junk my dad bought and it would just pile up and pile up and I wouldn't touch it. And my dad would buy more and more... I didn't look at it or eat it - I was sick of being out of shape and I was strong enough to ignore all the junk.

    Don't talk to her - it will make her defensive and offend her. Just ignore all the junk and stay on track and keep your commitment strong and clear. Be the example and live the life you want to live.

    She won't catch up and she won't imitate you - but you shouldn't care. Let her get to the point where you are when she is ready. Just like you did, in the meantime, let her buy all the junk she wants. It is all unconscious and innocent - believe me.

    Stay focused!



    ⬆⬆ this⬆⬆
  • oChristyo
    oChristyo Posts: 61 Member
    I also want to add that since I have started cooking healthy for my family my husband has lost 13 pounds. Now he is logging his calories everyday because he's seeing a difference. Maybe you could cook for her?
  • MomTo3Lovez
    MomTo3Lovez Posts: 800 Member
    I would just let it be. If you can fit it in to your deficit then have a treat every now and again. If you are the type that can't stop at just one thing then just avoid it altogether. Youw ill be put in situations where there is food you shouldn't eat like at parties...just don't have any.

    When your wife is ready she will do it...if it starts affecting your relationship then you should talk to her.

    Good luck!
  • JasonKnight85
    JasonKnight85 Posts: 67 Member
    I'm kind of in a similar position with my SO. He needs to lose weight much more so than I do - he needs to lose about 50lb to get back down to "slightly soft" - the way he was when we met. I put on about 15lbs since we started dating as well. I've lost the 15 and then some and I'm well on my way to achieving my goal while he still sits at home eating nachos and watching movies. It's honestly gotten to the point where it's interfering with our physical relationship. After about four months, he seems to be making a little bit more effort to adopt a healthy lifestyle.

    Things that definitely DON'T help:
    - Nagging
    - Talking excessively about your success
    - Criticism (lighthearted or serious)
    - Obsessing over calories/macros in front of him

    Things that have worked:
    - Asking him to join me on walks and cooking healthy meals for him when he comes over
    - Giving him positive feedback when he mentions that he ate something healthy or exercised
    - Providing him with information/resources/opinions on fitness and diet choices ONLY when asked
    - Asking him for help when I feel challenged

    These lists aren't exhaustive, but they're a starting point!

    P.S. When I have extra junk food that I know I shouldn't have in the house, I bring it to work and shout "COME AND GET IT" -- and it's gone in minutes. Works like a charm.

    This, yep, this right here.

    Your wife should be your best support system, in a perfect world, but the world isn't perfect... so...

    Be her's!

    Encourage anything healthy she does, invite her on walks or to the gym, go at her pace when she is with you, and encourage her to ramp it up a little each time. You're married, be a team.

    And jwooley13's junk food suggestion, priceless and efficient. I would just ask, "Were these for me?" First, lol. Don't want your spouse to be like... where's mah cookies?!
  • bergpa
    bergpa Posts: 148 Member
    For a long time I blamed my husband for bringing treats home but the truth is that I'm the only one who puts food in my mouth. These days he could open an ice cream shop in our kitchen and a bakery in the dining room and it wouldn't change what I eat.
  • julekinz
    julekinz Posts: 80 Member
    I had lost almost fifty lbs when my husband finally let his true colors show. He was insecure and thought I was cheating, losing weight for someone else. He also didn't believe I was going to the track alone-which I do because I don't go to chat, I go to walk-fast. So, I stopped going to the track-gained back half of the weight I'd lost, and one day my doctor got onto me-told me I was heading for diabetes, heart disease; etc. She put me on medicine and set a goal of a 20% loss. I went home and explained to my family-my children are my greatest support-that I had to make permanent changes for my health. This was last November. Guess who"s husband gave her four boxes of candy/chocolates for Christmas?!
    I do not push this on my family (well, that's a little fib, I do try to get the girls to try fruits and veggies-that's always a battle and urge them to make healthy choices, but I don't want them to feel like they need to "diet" or that I'm depriving them of the things they love or they'll be trying to sabotage me, too). I buy things for myself keep it separate from their snacks and goodies, and try to make yummy, balanced meals that don't appear to be "diet". I have gotten to where I am pretty private about my success or lack of.
  • osothefinn
    osothefinn Posts: 163 Member
    Plus, she is probably buying you your faves because she loves you and wants you to be happy.

    LOL. Yep, sure. Sweety, you're doing so good on the weightloss I got you a box of Captain Crunch. :P
  • dopeysmelly
    dopeysmelly Posts: 1,390 Member
    Youw ill be put in situations where there is food you shouldn't eat like at parties...just don't have any.

    Totally this!!
  • VaporeonSugar
    VaporeonSugar Posts: 117 Member
    My guy ended up jumping right off the support bandwagon as soon as I started eating healthier. He eats out almost every single day for every meal and tries to get me to do the same. Friday he ordered pizza, McDonald's and then took me out to lunch the next day. I have to basically lie and say I'm not hungry so we can skip the next meal instead of him suggesting another 900 calorie option for a meal. I've been eating really healthy for a little over a week now, besides snacks, and he seems annoyed by it. We bought healthy stuff at the store that he wanted at the time and now he refuses to let me pack the lunches he wanted and gets snappy with me.

    When someone in the relationship tries to lose weight, it usually goes really bad. The other person doesn't support you or you're doing it for them because they say you're too fat even if you're not. Just keep trying for yourself and try to talk to her about it if it gets out of hand. If she refuses to be supportive and continues to try and sabotage, take grocery shopping or cooking into your own hands. Something might break, but you need to get healthy for you. I know that me doing this is helping destroy my relationship, but I want to be able to be healthy enough to live my life out.