Weight Loss and Spouse/SO issues
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I think my husband's heaviest was just over 200. He lost about 50 pounds pretty quickly due to type 2 diabetes, and then held pretty steady.
My highest was 376. When I was just starting out the first few months, it was really hard because I didn't really want to change, and he's eating what he always ate. Not that it was that horrible, but it wasn't as "food journal friendly" for me. I took a lot of joy in eating snacks or meals with him. Then, I just decided I had to make my own changes if I wanted to go further on this path.
I "half heartedly" startedin April 2011 - by August 1, I'd lost about 11 pounds. I then got my act together and lost about 44 pounds by the end of December. He finally got "on program" at the end of December that year and started doing P90X.
With your spouse, my father would say, "she's got the talking part done." She might want to lose weight, but she may not be ready. Something about the journey may be scary to her. She may not feel like she'll ever be able to have those foods again. They're fulfilling some emotional need for her right now.
One thing that has helped me immensley is that I have a "snack box". I have portioned out snack bags of pretzels there, and various protein/fiber bars in there. Each thing in the box is about 100-120 calories. I also have it sitting next to the dorm fridge in my laundry room that has yogurt, light string cheese, bottles of water, etc. in it. I do this so I don't have to see the other CRAP in the house.
My youngest likes reece's peanut butter cups for her snack. We have them in the house, and I'm blissfully ignorant of where they are because I'll eat them all. She knows she gets 2 of the cups at snack time before bed. Other times when she says she's hungry, we tell her to go have applesauce or yogurt, and make sure we have plenty of it. We also keep Jif To Go cups of peanut butter around. She like to have a snack bag of pretzels with the peanut butter.
Make sure you have a designated spot in the house for your "safe snack box". That way you'll be less tempted.0 -
Thanks for the great advice everyone. A common theme was talking. My wife has issues with her weight and it is difficult to talk about without her getting seriously angry or crying.
I wonder if our interests and eventually attraction to each other will change. That is, I like to do active things and only eat out occasionally and she does not. Will I end up being drawn to another who shares my new interests and is fit??????
I dont really understand why you getting in shape should make you want to leave your wife? If she loved you at your worst you should love her, even if she isn't in great shape. Sometimes its harder for some people to get the will power to lose the weight. If she's crying over her weight you should be encouraging her and supporting her not thinking about how you'll be meeting women who are in shape once you are.0 -
I don't have much help for you other than to talk to her..... sucks not to have the support of your SO/spouse- for two months I couldn't motivate mine to join but alas he did and it is amazing. there has to be someway to get her a reality check
take her shopping- and pick up something that's a smaller size maybe kindly suggest that it would be nice to have it as a goal
I dunno....0 -
Let her do all those things - when I lived with my Dad and was losing weight he used to buy all my favorite junk food and put it on display all over the place.
Your wife does NOT know she is doing this. And it doesn't matter.
What matters is that you are on track - so stay on it.
How I dealt with it was by not eating all the junk my dad bought and it would just pile up and pile up and I wouldn't touch it. And my dad would buy more and more... I didn't look at it or eat it - I was sick of being out of shape and I was strong enough to ignore all the junk.
Don't talk to her - it will make her defensive and offend her. Just ignore all the junk and stay on track and keep your commitment strong and clear. Be the example and live the life you want to live.
She won't catch up and she won't imitate you - but you shouldn't care. Let her get to the point where you are when she is ready. Just like you did, in the meantime, let her buy all the junk she wants. It is all unconscious and innocent - believe me.
Stay focused!
^This!!!! Great job!0 -
I agree with this advice. I too has a light bulb moment and starting changing my life style. I lost over 50 pounds. At first my husband was completely unsupportive and very negative about what I ate or cooked for the family. He gave me the cold shoulder when I would leave the house the walk or exercise. He needs to lose weight too but clearly was NOT READY. Everyone needs to do it on their own terms. Eventually he started walking every night and with me on the weekends and is making better food choices. It has been 2 years since I started my journey and now that I have lost all the weight I needed he still has moments of jealousy and tells me I'm too skinny. When things are best is when we are cooking together,shopping for healthy meals ideas or walking. Once your wife finds something that motivates her, the two of you will be in a much better place. Good luck and congrats on all your hard work!
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Unfortunately spouses can be a big problem when we start losing weight. My husband has done the very same things. Brings me cake, candy, anything but healthy foods. It got so bad that one day I through an Almond Joy bar at his head!!
Spouses sabotage our progress due to insecurity and/or they don't want to have to change THEIR habits!!
Perhaps she needs to find those boxes of "uneaten" favorite donuts in the trash can!! Hummm??? :grumble:My wife is the one who wanted to join a gym and get in shape. We were both 50-70 lbs overweight. I was reluctant to try because of so many failed attempts but then a switch went off. I am on track to meet my goal (lose 60 lbs) by Labor Day. My wife has exercised very sporadically and continues with bad diet habits. She eats out just about every day and yesterday I get home and she has gone to the grocery. On the counter I find 2 boxes of my favorite donuts. She has made cup cakes. In the pantry are my favorite sugar cereals. Not sure if she is trying to sabotage my weight loss plan. She also continues to drink almost daily. Sometimes a couple and sometimes much more.
I have read stories where one spouse loses significant weight and the other does not and it causes issues. Has this happened to anyone here? Please share your experience or recommendations.0 -
What does she say when you invite her to work out with you?
We occasionally will go together on Saturdays but I usually go very early in the morning b4 work and she likes her sleep. She is a very social person so our weekends are tied up with get togethers usually with alcohol and bad food.
The answers depend on how long you are married / together.
The rhythms in a a marriage are such that the both of you are not always in the same place at the same time.
I got my husband interested in the gym, then I dropped out and gained weight, now I am back to a good food plan and starting exercise. He has been patient with me.
Re talking and crying: let her know that you are OPEN to talking. The talks do not have to be long -- 4 to 5 mins is plenty for someone who is sensitive.
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I would hate putting up with relatives and dealing with visiting all weekend with food and booze.
That would be a horror show.
Buddy, I have no suggestions about weekends except that you can start finding other actives on the weekends for yourself or with new active (sober) friends who want to travel a path like yours. Let her know you have something else to do.
She might get on the same page with you at some point.0 -
I hate to say it, but if my hubs were doing that I'd say he's conciously being an anal cavity. I mean to offer you a cookie or a piece of pie, or to buy a few things for himself fine. But to buy your favourite donuts (TWO dozen) and start baking and stuff, attempted sabotage is at work for sureLet her do all those things - when I lived with my Dad and was losing weight he used to buy all my favorite junk food and put it on display all over the place.
Your wife does NOT know she is doing this. And it doesn't matter.
What matters is that you are on track - so stay on it.
How I dealt with it was by not eating all the junk my dad bought and it would just pile up and pile up and I wouldn't touch it. And my dad would buy more and more... I didn't look at it or eat it - I was sick of being out of shape and I was strong enough to ignore all the junk.
Don't talk to her - it will make her defensive and offend her. Just ignore all the junk and stay on track and keep your commitment strong and clear. Be the example and live the life you want to live.
She won't catch up and she won't imitate you - but you shouldn't care. Let her get to the point where you are when she is ready. Just like you did, in the meantime, let her buy all the junk she wants. It is all unconscious and innocent - believe me.
Stay focused!
Wow. I'm going to take a wild guess that you are NOT married based on that advice.0 -
Look, I adore my wife and want to do what I can to help her. She's a bonafide, full blown emotional eater who has struggled of years to get her weight under control, with not much success to speak of.
So yes, if I bring in sweets, which are a serious trigger for her, I'm going to do what I can to hide them from her.
To a point. A few months ago she, in the midst of a really emotional moment, got upset because of the sweets I was bringing in. Now mind you the way I moderate sweets is to buy them, eat as much as I like, and then move on, so we don't ever really have lots of sugary foods hanging around the house day after day. I had to calmly tell her that while I do what I can to keep the sweet treats out of her sight, she ultimately is responsible for her own choices. I did not apologize, did not kowtow, and did not make any promises that I'd be able to, or even try, to hide all the trouble foods. She got upset, which is rare for my wife as she's about the sweetest person around. I stood my ground.
She later apologized. She was feeling super down about how long she's struggled and how little results she's been able to carve out so far. Her upset wasn't even about me, just about her frustration with being unable to do much to prevent falling back into mindless emotional eating.
At some point, even if you're with someone like me, who is going to try to keep trigger foods out of eyeshot, you'll be faced with foods that are a challenge for you. It's best to learn now how to reconcile your relationship with said foods because they're not going anywhere.0 -
So, as Americans we tend to believe in the following equation. even if we don't realize it.
FOOD = LOVE
We all do it. "Let me make you a cake, sandwich, your favorite dish, tall glass of delicious...becasue I love you and want to take are of you"
Your wife is probably
1. shopping the way she always or mostly has
2. buying your favorite treats becasue she loves you
3. she is genetically and socially predisposed to "take care of you"
So, yes talk with her. And yes, she will likley resent or be upset by the "talk". And yes, she will be upset becasue she will realize you are right AND she has wasted money AND she will (likely) end up eating all the treats herself. And yes that will likely make mad at herself. And she will likley stop "taking care of you" for a bit. And yes she will likely revert to buying treats.
The sooner you come to your own terms about this cycle the sooner you will come up with a plan that fits you and your relationship best. Ideas that come to my mind immediately (but may be right or wrong)
* You have this conversation about not buying treats every few weeks forever
* You throw treats away
* you passive aggressively let treats pile up
* you bring treats into work for your co-workers to enjoy
* you start doing all the grocery shopping
* you go with her to do the grocery shopping
* you just eat the treats and put in extra hours at the gym
Something is right for you...but you need to figure it out. There is risk and reward in all actions. Only you know what rewards is worth what risk for you.
Hope this was helpful. Probably it wasn't. Because all the answers are easy/hard depending on where you are sitting.0 -
Thanks for the great advice everyone. A common theme was talking. My wife has issues with her weight and it is difficult to talk about without her getting seriously angry or crying.
I wonder if our interests and eventually attraction to each other will change. That is, I like to do active things and only eat out occasionally and she does not. Will I end up being drawn to another who shares my new interests and is fit??????
I dont really understand why you getting in shape should make you want to leave your wife? If she loved you at your worst you should love her, even if she isn't in great shape. Sometimes its harder for some people to get the will power to lose the weight. If she's crying over her weight you should be encouraging her and supporting her not thinking about how you'll be meeting women who are in shape once you are.
Right on!
If you really need to find "another" to share your new interests its should be through male friends. Just continue encouraging her without being pushy. When and if she is ready to do what she needs to do to change her lifestyle she will do so.0 -
Holly_penguin wrote: »So, as Americans we tend to believe in the following equation. even if we don't realize it.
FOOD = LOVE
We all do it. "Let me make you a cake, sandwich, your favorite dish, tall glass of delicious...becasue I love you and want to take are of you"
Your wife is probably
1. shopping the way she always or mostly has
2. buying your favorite treats becasue she loves you
3. she is genetically and socially predisposed to "take care of you"
So, yes talk with her. And yes, she will likley resent or be upset by the "talk". And yes, she will be upset becasue she will realize you are right AND she has wasted money AND she will (likely) end up eating all the treats herself. And yes that will likely make mad at herself. And she will likley stop "taking care of you" for a bit. And yes she will likely revert to buying treats.
The sooner you come to your own terms about this cycle the sooner you will come up with a plan that fits you and your relationship best. Ideas that come to my mind immediately (but may be right or wrong)
* You have this conversation about not buying treats every few weeks forever
* You throw treats away
* you passive aggressively let treats pile up
* you bring treats into work for your co-workers to enjoy
* you start doing all the grocery shopping
* you go with her to do the grocery shopping
* you just eat the treats and put in extra hours at the gym
Something is right for you...but you need to figure it out. There is risk and reward in all actions. Only you know what rewards is worth what risk for you.
Hope this was helpful. Probably it wasn't. Because all the answers are easy/hard depending on where you are sitting.
these are wise words. There have been a lot of wise words, and some not so wise on this thread. We each have our own relationship with food. we also each have our own relationships with our partners.
for me, my partner brings home pizza, which is her splurge of choice. We now have a compromise most of the time of getting thin crust with fewer greasy toppings. She also wants doughnuts sometimes. Instead of getting a dozen at a time, we get half that so we each get 3. It is up to each of us if we eat them all at once, or spread it out. I eat much better when she is on liquids because of chronic pancreititis, because I can make healthier choices for myself while she sticks to her liquids.
We both know what we need to do, I am just more diligent about keeping track. But every once in a while, I do have to remind her that it is really hard for me to resist when she brings unhealthy stuff into the house. She then gets better for a while, until she isn't. I try to be loving and humble with these reminders, and each time there is a longer time between reminders. This is hard to do, and at first I just walked around with resentment until I binged on the goodies. Now we both enjoy them in moderation.
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MrsMajor87 wrote: »Thanks for the great advice everyone. A common theme was talking. My wife has issues with her weight and it is difficult to talk about without her getting seriously angry or crying.
I wonder if our interests and eventually attraction to each other will change. That is, I like to do active things and only eat out occasionally and she does not. Will I end up being drawn to another who shares my new interests and is fit??????
I dont really understand why you getting in shape should make you want to leave your wife? If she loved you at your worst you should love her, even if she isn't in great shape. Sometimes its harder for some people to get the will power to lose the weight. If she's crying over her weight you should be encouraging her and supporting her not thinking about how you'll be meeting women who are in shape once you are.
Though that has its limits. You can only take so much whining from your partner about something only they have the power to change. Whining isn't doing something, it is whining. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. You can be as supportive and do everything in the world to convince your partner to make a positive change in their lives, but in the end, the only person that can change them is themselves. And if they don't want to change, don't want to seriously put that work and effort in, fine, but that may have consequences, including divorce.
I think it boils down to one partner losing a large degree of respect for the other over time. You shouldn't be forced to stay with someone you don't respect. It is just better to call it quits and find someone you are now more compatible with. Expecting someone to stay exactly as they were when you met them for the rest of your life is a very understandable, but ultimately unreasonable, expectation. People grow and change. Some people grow together and are stronger for it, but others grow irreconcilably apart. Just is how it is.0 -
There's a lot of speculation here, because no one is your wife, so no one can actually speak for her. There's some solid advice (and some less so) that I will echo. The only way to find out what is going on is to talk with her (not to her).
Not by asking her if she's jealous or feeling left behind, but by letting her know how you feel. With patience and explanation and ownership for your thoughts and feelings, concern for how she's doing. She may know or be completely unaware of the impact of her actions. But you won't know unless you ask her.
The guessing will get you no where. Talking with her will.0 -
I am trying to lose weight and I did have success and sabotaged myself and I am trying again. My fiance is supportive, he does most of the cooking and asks me what I want and what things I can eat for supper. He buys things I love as treats because he loves me and wants to get me treats sometimes. He has gradually shifted to buying me things like fruit or veggies instead of treats when he is at the grocery store which might sound weird but he doesn't eat fruit or veggies and I know he spends time looking at stuff to get me something he knows I will like. He does not eat very healthy but will eat a variation of whatever I want as he knows it's important to me. He also wants to lose weight but is not at the place where he is ready to make the effort. At first I told him I am trying to lose weight and I would really like to have your support. He then asked me how he could help. Now he only gets treats occasionally and always ones he likes in case I don't want to eat it.
You might want to try something like this. Maybe tell her instead of this I would really love if you would get something else instead.0 -
CrabNebula wrote: »MrsMajor87 wrote: »Thanks for the great advice everyone. A common theme was talking. My wife has issues with her weight and it is difficult to talk about without her getting seriously angry or crying.
I wonder if our interests and eventually attraction to each other will change. That is, I like to do active things and only eat out occasionally and she does not. Will I end up being drawn to another who shares my new interests and is fit??????
I dont really understand why you getting in shape should make you want to leave your wife? If she loved you at your worst you should love her, even if she isn't in great shape. Sometimes its harder for some people to get the will power to lose the weight. If she's crying over her weight you should be encouraging her and supporting her not thinking about how you'll be meeting women who are in shape once you are.
Though that has its limits. You can only take so much whining from your partner about something only they have the power to change. Whining isn't doing something, it is whining. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. You can be as supportive and do everything in the world to convince your partner to make a positive change in their lives, but in the end, the only person that can change them is themselves. And if they don't want to change, don't want to seriously put that work and effort in, fine, but that may have consequences, including divorce.
I think it boils down to one partner losing a large degree of respect for the other over time. You shouldn't be forced to stay with someone you don't respect. It is just better to call it quits and find someone you are now more compatible with. Expecting someone to stay exactly as they were when you met them for the rest of your life is a very understandable, but ultimately unreasonable, expectation. People grow and change. Some people grow together and are stronger for it, but others grow irreconcilably apart. Just is how it is.
Wait - so not losing weight along with your spouse = losing respect for them??? One's respect for another should not be based on waistline - if it is, that's pretty shallow and petty.
This line of thought is exactly why the divorce rate is relatively high. People don't take their vows seriously and divorce when everything isn't exactly perfect instead of working things out and learning to grow together. It's largely a conscious choice. Gaining a new interest or evolving/changing in some manner shouldn't mean that your spouse should be disposable if they don't do the same thing you do. I would hope there are other things to connect with your spouse on besides having the same eating or exercise habits - if not, then why did you even get married?0 -
I have been on your wife's end before. In Spring, my husband decided one morning he was going to lose about 50lbs. He literally made the decision that morning and was on track by lunch (even though we just purchased tons of junk for the week). After 2 days, I was riding his high and joined him. In the first 2 months, we both lost about 15lbs (we weighed the same- actually I was 3lbs lighter). Everyone talked about how awesome he looked...everywhere we went. Not one person noticed or ever mentioned my hard work. At that point, I lost motivation. We eat lunch together everyday so I would ask him to take me out rather than eat at home and I would bring our favorite snacks home. I didn't realize I was also sabotaging his diet but no matter what I ate he remained healthy and never said anything. I finally opened up and told him that I was working just as hard (if not harder) and no one ever noticed. He now cooks most of our meals and even measures my portions for me. He reminds me everyday that I will reach my goals at my own pace and whenever family or friends compliment him he doesn't hesitate to talk about how proud he is of my hard work. At the end of the day, I am so thankful for his help and encouragement but I realize now its all up to me. He was kind enough to give me the time I needed to come to that realization myself and gave me the confidence I needed to fight for myself (and my health).0
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I applaud those who have the self control to just ignore the sugar and snack foods that are around. I hope to be there one day, but as a person who has been overweight my whole life and just now really taking control and trying to get healthy I can not have those items around. My hubby is not trying to lose weight- he doesn't need to- but I do need his support. I never deny him what he wants to eat just don't bring it home. If he was fast food or junk he has it at lunch or when he is out with friends. He respects me enough to not tempt me when I have not gained enough self-control yet and I respect him enough to have a real conversation about what I need from him.0
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sweetpea03b wrote: »My husband is thin... he always has been... so in the past he has done things to sabotage my weight loss. He's a great cook and he'll always say "it's ok you can have a bigger portion of this" or "you can have a 2nd glass of wine"
My husband is a foot taller than I am and tends more to slim than not. He'll get a pot belly if he drinks too much, but that's easily cured by laying off the wine for a bit.
He has watched me struggle my entire life with weight, and he'll still offer the extra glass of wine or put cheese or butter on something that I hadn't budget calorie-wise for.
The wine is easy. I just say no thanks, but that a cup of tea would be lovely.
The extra calories in a meal he makes is harder. After I started only eating about two-thirds of whatever he served me, he asked me why and I explained it, adding that I have a lot less leeway calorie-wise being a short, middle-aged, female yo-yo dieter.
That helped, but no, he doesn't always think about it. I figure ultimately I'm in control of what goes in my mouth, and if he loads up a dish with fatty condiments, I can eat less of it (I don't sweat macros) and it'll be all good in the long run. (I could choose not to eat it at all, but I don't make that choice, as the other one is smoother and more pleasant).
I guess the reality is for anyone in this discussion who gets annoyed with people they live with for the eating thing is that when it comes down to it, the person responsible for what goes in your belly is YOU. If you can accept that serenely and without defensiveness, a lot of these issues become non-issues.
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I am single...but suffer from living with my family who does not care about health and fitness like I do. It just comes down to saying no and sticking up for yourself. Once you start saying no, the easier it becomes.0
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