Success story to Failure

Fugeela · June 2014

Okay, so I have not posted on here in a while in terms of a thread. But last year this time I was feeling the same way, but I was a lot smaller than I am now, and now I feel just absolutely sick and ridiculous, I can't be happy.

I see a therapist. Over the winter I put on quite a bit of pounds, and a lot of body fat. I feel so worthless and undesirable as a young woman. I am a musician and cannot be happy or find any confidence in my ugly and terrible repulsive body because it is just ridiculous and so damn stupid. I am thankful to be alive, and to be 'healthy' but I am not content and happy about my condition. I would love to for once be stunned with my growth and progress, but everyday is the same. I am just so ugly and repulsive and this does not make it better. I know not to say these things about myself but I am fed up and telling the truth. It hinders my truth as a young woman and makes me unable to function well socially and in my personal life.

I believe beauty is who you are as a person not your physical disposition, but I am tired of being so ugly and just disgusting. This stupid body has no strength whatsoever, flab everywhere now, I have a massive back that resembles The Great Wall of China everytime I look at it.

I know this is a very negative thread but I am coming from a place of sadness, frustration, and depression because of this. I have worried about my weight all my life because people have commented on it. I am a 110-100 pounds smaller than I once was years ago in my early teens but still ugly and repulsive and have not grown mentally with this issue ever. I want to grow, I want to love my body, but it is disgusting.

I have plans for my day, and as an artist this stifles my creativity because all I think about is how hideous and fat I am, and disgusting. I do my best to exercise, more than once a day, because I am desperate to see a change, and no stinking change. Just still ugly and fat. I hate this so much. I see a counselor, and unfortunately, I have not grown from this. I don't want to be this negative sad girl anymore, I want to grow, but I hate what I see.

I am not giving up but I just feel fed up with this it disables me causing me to not progress and consumes me because this is something that holds me back in my life.

I looked in the mirror and just felt to hurt myself, and though I would not do so, I just can't seem to get anxious. I want to practice my music but I am stuck thinking about how disgusting my body is and how badly I want to go to the gym for hours and workout and not give up everyday.

Now I have intense back fat that I had at 160, at 140, last year I was at 134 and looked completely thinner although I thought I was repulsive then (still wanted to lose twenty pounds). I am young and should not be this ugly and massive, it just hurts my soul to know that this is me.

I would just like some encouragement.

I just feel to ball my eyes out. I am tired of people telling me I am okay and don't need to lose any weight they are liars and trying to stop me from accomplishing my desires, and think that this ugliness is acceptable. By the way, I am ugly in appearance in general, but me having weight on makes it worse.

I can't do this. I just want to be 118-120, and low body fat, strong, fit, healthy, happy, and beautiful. I want to see how different my face looks ( I pray very difference if I slim down, in hopes I will look different) I can't be stuck like this. I've hit a plateau and I want this demon of appearance to stop plaguing me.

I am just looking for some encouragement because I don't have any friends, as this makes me unable to do much. I just obsess over what I eat, exercise, and my looks because it is horrible and causes a lot of problems in my life, as it has for all of my life.

I posted this in a different section, but I thought to post it here instead because I realize I was once a "success" story and now I am just a flop in my own eyes. My body fat is incredibly high, I now have cellulite, a massive tire around my waist and lower back to the point if I bend forward my belly fat forms a pool of fat above my thighs. And if I lean back as if I were doing a backbend there are creases, deep plated creases, of fat hovering above my behind, causing dents. I am just so sick and tired of this.

Last year when I was a success "I wasn't really a success", I still felt disgusting and plateaued and now that I've gained some weight back (less than ten, last year May 134-135/ December 138, and now 140 probably or 143, with a lot of body fat, last year I was 22.4) I am just disgusted. When will I progress? I hate this so much.

I am just in need of positive reassurance or tips. I don't like to spend time trackng what I eat on here because I get anxious and obsessive about all of this and it hurts my life. I hate writing a food journal, I hate that I can't just be a normal 21 year old girl and grow because this consumes my thoughts. I have talent and intelligence and ideas, the ability, but this makes me so weak. I want this to stop burdening me. I want top be 119 pounds, I am 5'7. I am also young so I want to accomplish this, almost twenty two in fall, and I just feel like a failure, how can I be so ugly, fat, disgusting, and repulsive in one? I want this to stop. I feel my heart racing as I type and deal with aanxiety because of all of this.

I am currently doing 30 day shred, and go to the gym and do things thereas well, but I spend hours doing physical activity because this is just terrible and I feel sick.

melaniedsm · June 2014

You are a super downer! This seems like self hate and you need to be having this conversation with a therapist. This isn't something we can help with on here, you need more serious help than anyone on the internet can provide. Maybe you need a different therapist or more visits...

AllOutof_Bubblegum · June 2014

Sorry about your troubles, but really there is no need to post this in more than just one topic category.

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1324926-incredibly-sad

JoRocka · June 2014

I am just in need of positive reassurance or tips. I don't like to spend time trackng what I eat on here because I get anxious and obsessive about all of this and it hurts my life

wait.hold up. So you're telling me that doing a little food tracking and calorie counting is more destructive than this self loathing and blogging is?

Interesting.

you either hate how things are and you work to change them.
or you hate how things are and just complain about it.

Honestly I see paragraph after paragraph of depressing hate... and 2 sentences describing what you are doing about it.

Spend more time focusing on what you are doing, where you are going and how you are going to get there and about 95% less time ruminating about how much you hate yourself.

Fugeela · June 2014

Sorry about your troubles, but really there is no need to post this in more than just one topic category.

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1324926-incredibly-sad

Sorry yes I realized, but I wasn't sure if this was best fit for this section or the other! Thanks, it can be taken down if possible as I don't mean to spam, it's just after I realized, I thought maybe it would be best suited for this.

Thank you for showing support though regardless xx

Fugeela · June 2014

I am just in need of positive reassurance or tips. I don't like to spend time trackng what I eat on here because I get anxious and obsessive about all of this and it hurts my life

wait.hold up. So you're telling me that doing a little food tracking and calorie counting is more destructive than this self loathing and blogging is?

Interesting.

you either hate how things are and you work to change them.
or you hate how things are and just complain about it.

Honestly I see paragraph after paragraph of depressing hate... and 2 sentences describing what you are doing about it.

Spend more time focusing on what you are doing, where you are going and how you are going to get there and about 95% less time ruminating about how much you hate yourself.

I track my food in a food journal via my book, but not on here as I get a bit antsy about that at times. I do know I complain a lot about it but it is just because I feel helpless and don't know how to not feel such way as it comes back. I can't give up but it is the lack of progress and just unattainable goal it seems, although it is.

I will do my best to try much harder, but I am just saying I obsess over this, and wanted the support because sometimes I feel it's just me who feels so terrible about themselves.

sweetcurlz67 · June 2014

sweetie... the only way to change this is to record your food and exercise and do something about it. you're about my height (I'm 5'6.5") and weigh less than I do (I'm 186.2). You're blessed and beautiful. Negative talk does no good. I know it's difficult but try to tell yourself how beautiful you are! If parts of your body annoy you, do things to try to fix it (exercise).

I shared a couple links, one was a success story I posted a few weeks ago of my own, basically talks about my excuses, but I didn't say on there that I used a lot of negative self-talk as well, so I can relate. the other is a guide to help you. both links also share that it starts with YOU! YOU CAN DO IT!!! :flowerforyou:

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1305329-excuses-excuses?hl=excuses...+excuses&page=3#posts-20241622
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1175494-a-guide-to-get-you-started-on-your-path-to-sexypants?hl=guide+to+sexy

JoRocka · June 2014

I am just in need of positive reassurance or tips. I don't like to spend time trackng what I eat on here because I get anxious and obsessive about all of this and it hurts my life

wait.hold up. So you're telling me that doing a little food tracking and calorie counting is more destructive than this self loathing and blogging is?

Interesting.

you either hate how things are and you work to change them.
or you hate how things are and just complain about it.

Honestly I see paragraph after paragraph of depressing hate... and 2 sentences describing what you are doing about it.

Spend more time focusing on what you are doing, where you are going and how you are going to get there and about 95% less time ruminating about how much you hate yourself.

I track my food in a food journal via my book, but not on here as I get a bit antsy about that at times. I do know I complain a lot about it but it is just because I feel helpless and don't know how to not feel such way as it comes back. I can't give up but it is the lack of progress and just unattainable goal it seems, although it is.

I will do my best to try much harder, but I am just saying I obsess over this, and wanted the support because sometimes I feel it's just me who feels so terrible about themselves.

nope. you aren't.

thousands of people hate themselves regularly. I know I get very moody and dejected- usually when I'm not focused on a goal.

I'm VERY type A personality- and I have to be always busy- get sunshine- and exercise and "socializing" to stay balanced. but really I just don't allow myself time to sit around and think about being miserable- when I'm busy doing awesome things- I remember how awesome I am

so focus on those things- focus on short term goals- that lead to a longer goal. You are not alone- you live on a planet with billions of people- you are not the only one- I promise.

Now- go forth and be fabulous!!!

Lialena · June 2014

I think you need to go back to your therapist and let him or her know how you are feeling. If you are existing in this kind of negative state, and are prone to obsessiveness and anxiety when working to improve your health, then you need more help then forum strangers can really give you.
You may want to consider seeking additional help from different types of therapy, as well as a medical check-up. You want to make sure you don't have hormonal or dietary issues impacting your health, as that can impact your mood, and you should get assessed by a psychiatrist for the possibility you may need meds for a brain chemistry imbalance.

Since you wanted tips, one that works for me that you may like: Interrupt negative thoughts. Whenever you catch yourself making a mental, verbal, or written statement that is hard on yourself, stop, tell yourself 'no I don't need to think like that, I am going to let that thought go', and then smile. When you do this also change your posture. Relax your shoulders, shake out your hands, sit up straighter.
Try to find something really funny to watch or read too, because laughing releases endorphins and will help your mood.
This won't help over night. But the more you do it the more it helps.

weather_nerd · June 2014

One step at a time. There is absolutely no need to take drastic measures. Do NOT starve yourself. Do NOT over-exercise. There is no need for it, and it will only do more harm than good.

I won't go into exquisite details here, but I've struggled with appearance and weight since the ripe age of ten. I was enrolled in a sports program, and we had to do some sort of physical assessment. Weighing in at 90 lb, I was told I needed to lose weight immediately. I just carried this with me for such a long time.

We always see fault in ourselves at some time or another. There is one thing you like about yourself, I guarantee it. It doesn't matter what it is. IT could be your hair, your nails, your skin, your eyes, anything. Pick one thing. Focus on it. Play it up. Make small changes.

Like I said, one step at a time.

queenbekks · June 2014

First, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. There are MANY people here who really understand, and really care. I recommend you find a different counselor. The one you're seeing may be an great therapist, and you may have a great relationship with him/her, but their method is clearly not 'clicking' with you. And this level of self-hate really sounds like it needs some professional help, although you have to be willing to do the soul-searching and work that goes into successful therapy. Also, maybe check out "TheMilitantBaker.com". This gal has an awesome blog about learning to accept and love ourselves (and she's very funny!). You really are beautiful just the way you are. It has taken me a long time to feel this way about myself, and I definitely still have plenty of 'bad' days, but you can get there too. Good luck!

pure777 · June 2014

sounds a bit self pitying tbh huni.. come on.. artist or not.. u need to get a grip and get help.. if you are seeing a therapist maybe get a new one.. if you're not on medication.. get some.. wanna lose some weight.. eat less than u burn... keep a diary or log on to this and track it all.. I'm sorry u hate yourself that much.. I truly do but you are the only one that can change your negative cycle of self hate.. not one of us can do this for you.. we'll all be here to help boost you along but we can't drag u to where you want to be kicking and screaming.. just breathe and love yourself cause if you don't no one else is likely to.. xxx

GCanha · June 2014

It sound to me like you need help. SERIOUS Help. Your self worth is tied into how you look, and even that seems distorted. I don't even think this is a weight issue, I think you have other internal issues you need to address before you tackle the external ones.

Until you change how you feel about yourself, you will not be able to change your circumstances. You need a certain amount of confidence and self love to take control of your life- otherwise, you're letting others control it for you.

I have never considered myself to be good looking. And I have been overweight all my adult life (hence only the headshot). But I am smart, driven and compassionate and that is what (I hope) people see when they look at me.

So go get help...treat yourself better than this- you're worth more than this.

CJisinShape · June 2014

First, bravo to you for reaching out for help! Second, I'd like for you to read this and post what your thoughts are on her journey:

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1324837-a-different-kind-of-transformation

lczackery · June 2014

Oh dear. If this is how you are doing with a therapist, you need to change therapists. Sometimes a therapist who is not so comfy can be really honest with you. your weight is the least of your problems right now. the self hate you talk about is incredibly self destructive. have you considered a eating disorder program or group. you could use support from others who feel like you do. Chances are that you could weigh 90 lbs and still think you are hideous. You are seeing an awful twisted version of you. please get help.

Lleldiranne · June 2014

You're seeing a therapist. That's a good first step. If you don't mind, I'd like to share my story:

I can totally feel where you're coming from. I've had depression since high school, but it got progressively worse over the last few years. I got to my highest non-pregnant weight because I didn't care. I started seeing a therapist, but there were so many things I had a hard time sharing even with her, and it seemed like a lot of other things she didn't understand (like I wasn't explaining them well enough). So after a while I quit going.

I was doing all the "good mental health habits." Or , trying to. But every time I'd tell myself something positive, that monster would rise up inside, laugh derisively, and tell me I was fooling myself. I tried working out, but it only helped sometimes. I was having anxiety/panic attacks nearly every week.

Last fall I talked to my primary care doctor. I asked if I could have something to treat the anxiety (I was thinking something like Xanax - to take when I had a panic attack). She asked a few insightful questions and suggested an antidepressant that treats anxiety as well. I was hesitant. But I was also ready to try for something to make a difference. I was scared because I'd heard things about these medications stifling creativity - I'm a writer - but I couldn't be creative while feeling the way I did. I decided to go for it.

She gave me the lowest dose of Paxil. It took a couple of weeks (that's common) but the difference was honestly like night and day. I am able to be happy without feeling guilty about it. I'm able to actually practice those mental health habits. I'm a much better mom because I'm able to play with my kids instead of withdrawing and feeling bland all the time. I even lost some weight and a decent amount of body fat because I wasn't trying to cover my dreariness with food, and I had energy for the gym.

Depression isn't always feeling sad/like crying - it often manifests in self-loathing and feeling numb to emotions. It sounds like that is part of what you are going through. Talk to your therapist or your family doctor about the possibilities of medication. It's not a panacea, you still have to do the mental work, but for some of us, it actually makes it possible to do the work.

That_Girl · June 2014

You're very rude. (the first commenter on here).

dwalt15110 · June 2014

A new therapist may be in order. It sounds as though he is saying what you want to hear now instead of what might help.

As a fellow musician, try tying your self-worth to your talent instead of your body image. I don't know if you said what type of musician you are and what your instrument of expertise is, but music is powerful. It uses every part of the brain. It changes our moods. It's a powerful driving force. Think about how music is used in movies to further enforce the mood.

Rehearsing music burns calories as does dancing to it. Let music be your catalyst. As silly as this may sound, pull up "Let It Go" from "Frozen", blare it and sing it at the top of your lungs. It's invigorating and just makes you feel so good.

VeryKatie · June 2014

This isn't something we can help with on here, you need more serious help than anyone on the internet can provide.

Yes, this is probably the case (therapy could really help). But I know things can be frustrating too and sometimes the internet is the only way you can get it out! So get it out and then start feeling better! No matter what you say, you are not ugly. Every morning, try looking at yourself and making one good comment. Then increase how many you make and then start doing it every time you look in a mirror. You may need others to help you, but you can beat your frustration

Good luck - we're here to support but you might still need more.

RekindledRose · June 2014

This is bound to get me some hate mail but...

... therapists can do more harm than good. They're really just someone paid to listen to you talk, and I have never, ever seen anyone 'cured' by their therapist. There are actually a lot of good books out there that I'd say are better to invest your money in than seeing someone in a closed room. At least the books are available for cross-scrutiny by medical peers and you can get honest information that can help, rather than someone who charges way too much for way too little.

Not that I've said that - sounds like what you really need is a trust-worthy friend who can keep your direction pointed the right way. A true friend will tell you the truth even if you don't want to hear it, and they'll still love you even if you keep screwing up. I hope there is someone in your life who fits that bill.

Fugeela · June 2014

This is bound to get me some hate mail but...

... therapists can do more harm than good. They're really just someone paid to listen to you talk, and I have never, ever seen anyone 'cured' by their therapist. There are actually a lot of good books out there that I'd say are better to invest your money in than seeing someone in a closed room. At least the books are available for cross-scrutiny by medical peers and you can get honest information that can help, rather than someone who charges way too much for way too little.

Not that I've said that - sounds like what you really need is a trust-worthy friend who can keep your direction pointed the right way. A true friend will tell you the truth even if you don't want to hear it, and they'll still love you even if you keep screwing up. I hope there is someone in your life who fits that bill.

This broke my heart because I have no friends, I am actually just very worthless and no one cares about me in that regard. My friends moved on without me because they didn't know how "to help" and that they want for me to love myself and so forth; and move on happily without me. I just hate my life.

I am so alone. Yes I have family to talk to, I don't even like being around them, and I am grateful, but their energy is negative and don't have any vision/unprogressive people. I am a progressive person, so a lot wears me down, including this, thus making me seem the opposite.

I appreciate your response.

I speak to people sometimes but they're not my real friends.

My real friends moved on.

Fugeela · June 2014

This isn't something we can help with on here, you need more serious help than anyone on the internet can provide.

Yes, this is probably the case (therapy could really help). But I know things can be frustrating too and sometimes the internet is the only way you can get it out! So get it out and then start feeling better! No matter what you say, you are not ugly. Every morning, try looking at yourself and making one good comment. Then increase how many you make and then start doing it every time you look in a mirror. You may need others to help you, but you can beat your frustration Good luck - we're here to support but you might still need more.

Whenever I say something good it is counteracted by something horrible, reality, and not just me being 'negative', I just state what I see. I just feel so stupid for all of this, I just want it to stop depressing me and move forward but it just doesn't stop. I am constantly reminded how terrible and disgusting it all is. I went on a walk and just wanted to fall to the ground because I felt fat rolls around my waist into my back and my thighs brushing past eachother, a feeling I wanted to never feel again.

I just want this to die out of my life and let me live.

I appreciate all fo the support and I will try my hardest to keep going.

mortuseon · June 2014

This is bound to get me some hate mail but...

... therapists can do more harm than good. They're really just someone paid to listen to you talk, and I have never, ever seen anyone 'cured' by their therapist. There are actually a lot of good books out there that I'd say are better to invest your money in than seeing someone in a closed room. At least the books are available for cross-scrutiny by medical peers and you can get honest information that can help, rather than someone who charges way too much for way too little.

Not that I've said that - sounds like what you really need is a trust-worthy friend who can keep your direction pointed the right way. A true friend will tell you the truth even if you don't want to hear it, and they'll still love you even if you keep screwing up. I hope there is someone in your life who fits that bill.

This broke my heart because I have no friends, I am actually just very worthless and no one cares about me in that regard. My friends moved on without me because they didn't know how "to help" and that they want for me to love myself and so forth; and move on happily without me. I just hate my life.

I am so alone. Yes I have family to talk to, I don't even like being around them, and I am grateful, but their energy is negative and don't have any vision/unprogressive people. I am a progressive person, so a lot wears me down, including this, thus making me seem the opposite.

I appreciate your response.

I speak to people sometimes but they're not my real friends.

My real friends moved on.

Hey, it's okay. I don't really have friends/people I am close to either, have had very similar problems to yours in terms of body image (actually had an ED) but stuff is on the up for me now.

It's really good that you have a therapist; I suggest that you do your utmost to be honest with them about the full extent of your problems with food. If necessary, ask to be referred (or self-refer) to someone who specialises in EDs. You might not think you have en ED, and that's fine, but even so such specialists will be experts in dealing with the kind of thought processes you are dealing with. You don't have to be a diagnosed anorexic/bulimic to suffer from disordered thoughts like these.

The second thing you can do is to set yourself small goals on the way to a healthier lifestyle and way of thinking. I will not deny that I still have body image issues. However, I promised myself to start exercising instead of purging...then to start eating regular meals...then eventually to increase my calorie goal to a reasonable level...and actually ended up doing a bulk to restore my muscle mass. This took place over a very long period of time, however, because it WILL take some time to change your mindset and you just have to keep at it.

The last thing I want to say is: keep busy. The more time you spend away from ruminating on your thoughts, the better. It can be difficult to force yourself to focus or do anything when in a low state, but sometime even just going for a walk can help to clear your head and will give you a bit of space.

Best of luck and hope some of that helped!

dakotababy · June 2014

I could not even read this as your idea of yourself is soooo negative. In almost every single paragraph you wrote, you insult yourself. In fact, I lost count with how many times you called yourself "ugly", "disgusting" or "repulsive" through out your post. I am glad to hear you are already getting professional help.

Tonight, please sit down and write 10 positive things about yourself. NOTHING appearance/weight related. These things can be "above average at music" "friendly" "cooperative with others", etc. Tomorrow, write another 10 things.

You are not going to get anywhere if you do not have self-love. You can be at your goal weight, and you still won't love yourself.

CJisinShape · June 2014

Have you read this yet?

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1324837-a-different-kind-of-transformation

It's about a woman who had similar struggles as you are having now. It's not hopeless. You were created by God, and He loves you. There is healing from self-loathing. Big hug!

dakotababy · June 2014

I could not even read this as your idea of yourself is soooo negative. In almost every single paragraph you wrote, you insult yourself. In fact, I lost count with how many times you called yourself "ugly", "disgusting" or "repulsive" through out your post. I am glad to hear you are already getting professional help.

Tonight, please sit down and write 10 positive things about yourself. NOTHING appearance/weight related. These things can be "above average at music" "friendly" "cooperative with others", etc. Tomorrow, write another 10 things.

You are not going to get anywhere if you do not have self-love. You can be at your goal weight, and you still won't love yourself.

PS - Do you happen to have netflix, or access to renting movies? I would highly recommend you watch The Secret.

JoRocka · June 2014

This isn't something we can help with on here, you need more serious help than anyone on the internet can provide.

Yes, this is probably the case (therapy could really help). But I know things can be frustrating too and sometimes the internet is the only way you can get it out! So get it out and then start feeling better! No matter what you say, you are not ugly. Every morning, try looking at yourself and making one good comment. Then increase how many you make and then start doing it every time you look in a mirror. You may need others to help you, but you can beat your frustration Good luck - we're here to support but you might still need more.

Whenever I say something good it is counteracted by something horrible, reality, and not just me being 'negative', I just state what I see. I just feel so stupid for all of this, I just want it to stop depressing me and move forward but it just doesn't stop. I am constantly reminded how terrible and disgusting it all is. I went on a walk and just wanted to fall to the ground because I felt fat rolls around my waist into my back and my thighs brushing past eachother, a feeling I wanted to never feel again.

I just want this to die out of my life and let me live.

I appreciate all fo the support and I will try my hardest to keep going.

You aren't just stating what you are seeing- you are passing judgement via opinion.

Change is uncomfortable- doing work is uncomfortable- in order to make some changes you're going to have to push past that I feel gross stage and say I WENT WALKING TODAY.

That's a positive- instead of focusing on how fat you feel- you could focus on how you did something more than you did yesterday- walked further- walked harder. Falling to the ground like a 2 year old having a tantrum doesn't help you. Eventually you have to get up and walk home- so just keep walking. Metaphorically and physically.

Fugeela · June 2014

Have you read this yet?

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1324837-a-different-kind-of-transformation

It's about a woman who had similar struggles as you are having now. It's not hopeless. You were created by God, and He loves you. There is healing from self-loathing. Big hug!

I've just read it and I love her outlook, inner confidence and self love is the key. Thank you for sharing this with me.

I do just feel that I will not be confident and happy with myself at this size because it causes problems in my life, I hate it, and don't want to be this way. I hate feeling so terrible and hateful about it because I love love and hate feeling so horrible about myself.

I won't be happy with the way I look if I am like this, I want to be healthy, inside and out. More so inside. Too much of nothing/negativity at this size. I feel the rolls in my back so much they are like weights. I just keep grabbing them wishing I could rip them off of my body, and leave me alone. I hate this so much, it's terrible and realy terrible to express such negativity to others but I just need to release this to others, on here is perfect because I have lovely people as in all of you to correspond to about an issue that others may have gone through or may understand.

I feel I won't love myself and can't love myself at this size comfortably. Whenever I do, and get comfortable, I gain weight. This just makes me hurt so badly.

DeadliftAddict · June 2014

Am I missing something here? In both of your pictures your look great. These might be from after the 100 pounds of weight loss. But, if you did it once, you sure as hell can do it again. You fell of the wagon, so what!? Get back on it and start working towards the body you want. You should continue to talk to someone about your feelings about yourself. But, get in the gym and work hard. Use these feelings as fuel to improve. Track your food and you will drop whatever weight you put back on.

mortuseon · June 2014

Have you read this yet?

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1324837-a-different-kind-of-transformation

It's about a woman who had similar struggles as you are having now. It's not hopeless. You were created by God, and He loves you. There is healing from self-loathing. Big hug!

I've just read it and I love her outlook, inner confidence and self love is the key. Thank you for sharing this with me.

I do just feel that I will not be confident and happy with myself at this size because it causes problems in my life, I hate it, and don't want to be this way. I hate feeling so terrible and hateful about it because I love love and hate feeling so horrible about myself.

I won't be happy with the way I look if I am like this, I want to be healthy, inside and out. More so inside. Too much of nothing/negativity at this size. I feel the rolls in my back so much they are like weights. I just keep grabbing them wishing I could rip them off of my body, and leave me alone. I hate this so much, it's terrible and realy terrible to express such negativity to others but I just need to release this to others, on here is perfect because I have lovely people as in all of you to correspond to about an issue that others may have gone through or may understand.

I feel I won't love myself and can't love myself at this size comfortably. Whenever I do, and get comfortable, I gain weight. This just makes me hurt so badly.

Small changes. If you have non-aesthetic goals it can both increase your confidence, and your body actually starts to fall into line too (just be patient, I know it's hard). I also know it's really difficult to practise this "self-love" business because it feels like the reality is that you ARE that awful, ugly person, right? Well, get into the habit of catching those thoughts and telling yourself it's disordered thinking speaking, not you. "No, I'm NOT huge, and I'm going to finish what I started". That sort of thing can help day-to-day.

absolament · June 2014

The best measure of health is not a number or a size. Stop trying to achieve what your body is resisting. It's resisting to keep you safe. Listen to it.

Success story to Failure

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