Success story to Failure
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This isn't something we can help with on here, you need more serious help than anyone on the internet can provide.
Yes, this is probably the case (therapy could really help). But I know things can be frustrating too and sometimes the internet is the only way you can get it out! So get it out and then start feeling better! No matter what you say, you are not ugly. Every morning, try looking at yourself and making one good comment. Then increase how many you make and then start doing it every time you look in a mirror. You may need others to help you, but you can beat your frustration
Good luck - we're here to support but you might still need more.
Whenever I say something good it is counteracted by something horrible, reality, and not just me being 'negative', I just state what I see. I just feel so stupid for all of this, I just want it to stop depressing me and move forward but it just doesn't stop. I am constantly reminded how terrible and disgusting it all is. I went on a walk and just wanted to fall to the ground because I felt fat rolls around my waist into my back and my thighs brushing past eachother, a feeling I wanted to never feel again.
I just want this to die out of my life and let me live.
I appreciate all fo the support and I will try my hardest to keep going.0 -
This is bound to get me some hate mail but...
... therapists can do more harm than good. They're really just someone paid to listen to you talk, and I have never, ever seen anyone 'cured' by their therapist. There are actually a lot of good books out there that I'd say are better to invest your money in than seeing someone in a closed room. At least the books are available for cross-scrutiny by medical peers and you can get honest information that can help, rather than someone who charges way too much for way too little.
Not that I've said that - sounds like what you really need is a trust-worthy friend who can keep your direction pointed the right way. A true friend will tell you the truth even if you don't want to hear it, and they'll still love you even if you keep screwing up. I hope there is someone in your life who fits that bill.
This broke my heart because I have no friends, I am actually just very worthless and no one cares about me in that regard. My friends moved on without me because they didn't know how "to help" and that they want for me to love myself and so forth; and move on happily without me. I just hate my life.
I am so alone. Yes I have family to talk to, I don't even like being around them, and I am grateful, but their energy is negative and don't have any vision/unprogressive people. I am a progressive person, so a lot wears me down, including this, thus making me seem the opposite.
I appreciate your response.
I speak to people sometimes but they're not my real friends.
My real friends moved on.
Hey, it's okay. I don't really have friends/people I am close to either, have had very similar problems to yours in terms of body image (actually had an ED) but stuff is on the up for me now. It's really good that you have a therapist; I suggest that you do your utmost to be honest with them about the full extent of your problems with food. If necessary, ask to be referred (or self-refer) to someone who specialises in EDs. You might not think you have en ED, and that's fine, but even so such specialists will be experts in dealing with the kind of thought processes you are dealing with. You don't have to be a diagnosed anorexic/bulimic to suffer from disordered thoughts like these.
The second thing you can do is to set yourself small goals on the way to a healthier lifestyle and way of thinking. I will not deny that I still have body image issues. However, I promised myself to start exercising instead of purging...then to start eating regular meals...then eventually to increase my calorie goal to a reasonable level...and actually ended up doing a bulk to restore my muscle mass. This took place over a very long period of time, however, because it WILL take some time to change your mindset and you just have to keep at it.
The last thing I want to say is: keep busy. The more time you spend away from ruminating on your thoughts, the better. It can be difficult to force yourself to focus or do anything when in a low state, but sometime even just going for a walk can help to clear your head and will give you a bit of space.
Best of luck and hope some of that helped!0 -
I could not even read this as your idea of yourself is soooo negative. In almost every single paragraph you wrote, you insult yourself. In fact, I lost count with how many times you called yourself "ugly", "disgusting" or "repulsive" through out your post. I am glad to hear you are already getting professional help.
Tonight, please sit down and write 10 positive things about yourself. NOTHING appearance/weight related. These things can be "above average at music" "friendly" "cooperative with others", etc. Tomorrow, write another 10 things.
You are not going to get anywhere if you do not have self-love. You can be at your goal weight, and you still won't love yourself.0 -
Have you read this yet?
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1324837-a-different-kind-of-transformation
It's about a woman who had similar struggles as you are having now. It's not hopeless. You were created by God, and He loves you. There is healing from self-loathing. Big hug!0 -
I could not even read this as your idea of yourself is soooo negative. In almost every single paragraph you wrote, you insult yourself. In fact, I lost count with how many times you called yourself "ugly", "disgusting" or "repulsive" through out your post. I am glad to hear you are already getting professional help.
Tonight, please sit down and write 10 positive things about yourself. NOTHING appearance/weight related. These things can be "above average at music" "friendly" "cooperative with others", etc. Tomorrow, write another 10 things.
You are not going to get anywhere if you do not have self-love. You can be at your goal weight, and you still won't love yourself.
PS - Do you happen to have netflix, or access to renting movies? I would highly recommend you watch The Secret.0 -
This isn't something we can help with on here, you need more serious help than anyone on the internet can provide.
Yes, this is probably the case (therapy could really help). But I know things can be frustrating too and sometimes the internet is the only way you can get it out! So get it out and then start feeling better! No matter what you say, you are not ugly. Every morning, try looking at yourself and making one good comment. Then increase how many you make and then start doing it every time you look in a mirror. You may need others to help you, but you can beat your frustration Good luck - we're here to support but you might still need more.
Whenever I say something good it is counteracted by something horrible, reality, and not just me being 'negative', I just state what I see. I just feel so stupid for all of this, I just want it to stop depressing me and move forward but it just doesn't stop. I am constantly reminded how terrible and disgusting it all is. I went on a walk and just wanted to fall to the ground because I felt fat rolls around my waist into my back and my thighs brushing past eachother, a feeling I wanted to never feel again.
I just want this to die out of my life and let me live.
I appreciate all fo the support and I will try my hardest to keep going.
You aren't just stating what you are seeing- you are passing judgement via opinion.
Change is uncomfortable- doing work is uncomfortable- in order to make some changes you're going to have to push past that I feel gross stage and say I WENT WALKING TODAY.
That's a positive- instead of focusing on how fat you feel- you could focus on how you did something more than you did yesterday- walked further- walked harder. Falling to the ground like a 2 year old having a tantrum doesn't help you. Eventually you have to get up and walk home- so just keep walking. Metaphorically and physically.0 -
Have you read this yet?
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1324837-a-different-kind-of-transformation
It's about a woman who had similar struggles as you are having now. It's not hopeless. You were created by God, and He loves you. There is healing from self-loathing. Big hug!
I've just read it and I love her outlook, inner confidence and self love is the key. Thank you for sharing this with me.
I do just feel that I will not be confident and happy with myself at this size because it causes problems in my life, I hate it, and don't want to be this way. I hate feeling so terrible and hateful about it because I love love and hate feeling so horrible about myself.
I won't be happy with the way I look if I am like this, I want to be healthy, inside and out. More so inside. Too much of nothing/negativity at this size. I feel the rolls in my back so much they are like weights. I just keep grabbing them wishing I could rip them off of my body, and leave me alone. I hate this so much, it's terrible and realy terrible to express such negativity to others but I just need to release this to others, on here is perfect because I have lovely people as in all of you to correspond to about an issue that others may have gone through or may understand.
I feel I won't love myself and can't love myself at this size comfortably. Whenever I do, and get comfortable, I gain weight. This just makes me hurt so badly.0 -
Am I missing something here? In both of your pictures your look great. These might be from after the 100 pounds of weight loss. But, if you did it once, you sure as hell can do it again. You fell of the wagon, so what!? Get back on it and start working towards the body you want. You should continue to talk to someone about your feelings about yourself. But, get in the gym and work hard. Use these feelings as fuel to improve. Track your food and you will drop whatever weight you put back on.0
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Have you read this yet?
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1324837-a-different-kind-of-transformation
It's about a woman who had similar struggles as you are having now. It's not hopeless. You were created by God, and He loves you. There is healing from self-loathing. Big hug!
I've just read it and I love her outlook, inner confidence and self love is the key. Thank you for sharing this with me.
I do just feel that I will not be confident and happy with myself at this size because it causes problems in my life, I hate it, and don't want to be this way. I hate feeling so terrible and hateful about it because I love love and hate feeling so horrible about myself.
I won't be happy with the way I look if I am like this, I want to be healthy, inside and out. More so inside. Too much of nothing/negativity at this size. I feel the rolls in my back so much they are like weights. I just keep grabbing them wishing I could rip them off of my body, and leave me alone. I hate this so much, it's terrible and realy terrible to express such negativity to others but I just need to release this to others, on here is perfect because I have lovely people as in all of you to correspond to about an issue that others may have gone through or may understand.
I feel I won't love myself and can't love myself at this size comfortably. Whenever I do, and get comfortable, I gain weight. This just makes me hurt so badly.
Small changes. If you have non-aesthetic goals it can both increase your confidence, and your body actually starts to fall into line too (just be patient, I know it's hard). I also know it's really difficult to practise this "self-love" business because it feels like the reality is that you ARE that awful, ugly person, right? Well, get into the habit of catching those thoughts and telling yourself it's disordered thinking speaking, not you. "No, I'm NOT huge, and I'm going to finish what I started". That sort of thing can help day-to-day.0 -
The best measure of health is not a number or a size. Stop trying to achieve what your body is resisting. It's resisting to keep you safe. Listen to it.0
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The best measure of health is not a number or a size. Stop trying to achieve what your body is resisting. It's resisting to keep you safe. Listen to it.
I understand but it looks absolutely hideous and disgusting, I feel to just beat myself in frustration if I could, it ruins my life, and I just want it to not be this way, it can't do anything spectacular. I do my best and I get no change, I just want to be healthy, and strong, and feel happy and beautiful so this can all go away. I feel badly saying these things- I know I need to put in the work but I hate that I have to spend time out of my life to go and do all of this just for the sake of getting better at it when for most people it comes easier it seems and they get their goals. Work for them, I work for it and get nothing.
But I will not stop.0 -
Have you read this yet?
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1324837-a-different-kind-of-transformation
It's about a woman who had similar struggles as you are having now. It's not hopeless. You were created by God, and He loves you. There is healing from self-loathing. Big hug!
I've just read it and I love her outlook, inner confidence and self love is the key. Thank you for sharing this with me.
I do just feel that I will not be confident and happy with myself at this size because it causes problems in my life, I hate it, and don't want to be this way. I hate feeling so terrible and hateful about it because I love love and hate feeling so horrible about myself.
I won't be happy with the way I look if I am like this, I want to be healthy, inside and out. More so inside. Too much of nothing/negativity at this size. I feel the rolls in my back so much they are like weights. I just keep grabbing them wishing I could rip them off of my body, and leave me alone. I hate this so much, it's terrible and realy terrible to express such negativity to others but I just need to release this to others, on here is perfect because I have lovely people as in all of you to correspond to about an issue that others may have gone through or may understand.
I feel I won't love myself and can't love myself at this size comfortably. Whenever I do, and get comfortable, I gain weight. This just makes me hurt so badly.
Small changes. If you have non-aesthetic goals it can both increase your confidence, and your body actually starts to fall into line too (just be patient, I know it's hard). I also know it's really difficult to practise this "self-love" business because it feels like the reality is that you ARE that awful, ugly person, right? Well, get into the habit of catching those thoughts and telling yourself it's disordered thinking speaking, not you. "No, I'm NOT huge, and I'm going to finish what I started". That sort of thing can help day-to-day.
I am going to do my best to do this, I've been doing this whenever I don't feel to workout or do 30 day shred for example, I just do. I get so inspired and feel helpless "That can never happen for me" It just hurts. I want it now and I need it to change but no matter how hard I work or be positive it doesn't change/0 -
You are setting yourself up for failure with that attitude. You are linking your body with your happiness, which is a never ending cycle. Even when you lose all of the weight, which you are mistaking for the cause of your depression, you will nitpick at other aspects of your body that you hate and be depressed about that and so on and so on. Yes you want a fit body, but you need to stop and realize now that isn't the true cause of your depression and self hate, it is just an easy excuse to be hateful toward yourself. You need to change your life and way of thinking, not just your body. Constantly telling yourself that you are ugly and fat, is going to make you ugly and fat. Telling yourself that you are stupid is going to make you feel stupid, and in turn make you do nothing successful. Telling yourself that you are lonely is going to make you stop socializing and become lonely. Telling yourself anything negative is going to bring negativity into your life. BUT it works the other way around too! Reminding yourself that you are beautiful is going to make you feel beautiful and put more effort into your beauty. Reminding yourself that you are smart will make you feel smart and lead to you use your smarts for success. Reminding yourself that you love friends and socializing will encourage you to actually socialize and enjoy having friends. Yes there will always be circumstances that throw us for a loop, but happiness and positivity about life starts in your own mind, not in superficial things like "body weight". I know you are stuck in an unhappy rut, but filter out the hate and change your way of thinking. We ALL have moments of self hate, but you have to be strong and not allow it to take over.0
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Have you read this yet?
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1324837-a-different-kind-of-transformation
It's about a woman who had similar struggles as you are having now. It's not hopeless. You were created by God, and He loves you. There is healing from self-loathing. Big hug!
I've just read it and I love her outlook, inner confidence and self love is the key. Thank you for sharing this with me.
I do just feel that I will not be confident and happy with myself at this size because it causes problems in my life, I hate it, and don't want to be this way. I hate feeling so terrible and hateful about it because I love love and hate feeling so horrible about myself.
I won't be happy with the way I look if I am like this, I want to be healthy, inside and out. More so inside. Too much of nothing/negativity at this size. I feel the rolls in my back so much they are like weights. I just keep grabbing them wishing I could rip them off of my body, and leave me alone. I hate this so much, it's terrible and realy terrible to express such negativity to others but I just need to release this to others, on here is perfect because I have lovely people as in all of you to correspond to about an issue that others may have gone through or may understand.
I feel I won't love myself and can't love myself at this size comfortably. Whenever I do, and get comfortable, I gain weight. This just makes me hurt so badly.
Small changes. If you have non-aesthetic goals it can both increase your confidence, and your body actually starts to fall into line too (just be patient, I know it's hard). I also know it's really difficult to practise this "self-love" business because it feels like the reality is that you ARE that awful, ugly person, right? Well, get into the habit of catching those thoughts and telling yourself it's disordered thinking speaking, not you. "No, I'm NOT huge, and I'm going to finish what I started". That sort of thing can help day-to-day.
I am going to do my best to do this, I've been doing this whenever I don't feel to workout or do 30 day shred for example, I just do. I get so inspired and feel helpless "That can never happen for me" It just hurts. I want it now and I need it to change but no matter how hard I work or be positive it doesn't change/
I know the feeling. Try DAILY goals. 'Today I will work out, I will eat 5 servings of fruit and veg, I will stay under my calorie goal'...etc. Or even weekly ones. Then you can tell yourself at the end of the day 'I am a success' rather than looking at the big picture (which will take a lot more time) and getting demoralised. One day at a time. Good luck.0 -
Is the attention from two threads of the same subject making you feel better yet?
I posted earlier about being sorry I posted this over here, as I posted it directly after I posted it in a different section a few minutes prior but I had thought maybe it was better suited here, I am trying to balance the two and get back/reply to everyone's advice/help/words/feelings.
I don't really want attention from strangers, I don't get attention at all to be quite honest, which everyone deserves. But I am just stating how I feel, sorry if you may have felt this was a ploy for attention, I am only assuming that is why you asked such but it was a genuine mistake, not a way of getting comments or attention for my horrible outlook on my boring, disgraceful view of my life.0 -
Is the attention from two threads of the same subject making you feel better yet?
I posted earlier about being sorry I posted this over here, as I posted it directly after I posted it in a different section a few minutes prior but I had thought maybe it was better suited here, I am trying to balance the two and get back/reply to everyone's advice/help/words/feelings.
I don't really want attention from strangers, I don't get attention at all to be quite honest, which everyone deserves. But I am just stating how I feel, sorry if you may have felt this was a ploy for attention, I am only assuming that is why you asked such but it was a genuine mistake, not a way of getting comments or attention for my horrible outlook on my boring, disgraceful view of my life.
^ Okay, so you have had individuals comment about your negative outlook, yet you still openly post negative things about yourself.
Troll.0 -
Is the attention from two threads of the same subject making you feel better yet?
I posted earlier about being sorry I posted this over here, as I posted it directly after I posted it in a different section a few minutes prior but I had thought maybe it was better suited here, I am trying to balance the two and get back/reply to everyone's advice/help/words/feelings.
I don't really want attention from strangers, I don't get attention at all to be quite honest, which everyone deserves. But I am just stating how I feel, sorry if you may have felt this was a ploy for attention, I am only assuming that is why you asked such but it was a genuine mistake, not a way of getting comments or attention for my horrible outlook on my boring, disgraceful view of my life.
^ Okay, so you have had individuals comment about your negative outlook, yet you still openly post negative things about yourself.
Troll.
I'm not really sure what your intention is here, I don't quite care either because I am just expressing how I feel, this has nothing to do with others, little less strangers in a community meant to share, enlighten, and help others.
I guess I can consider you a troll as well though, considering you took it upon yourself to evaluate what it is you believe I'm doing as a mechanism for attention to validate why nobody should respond to me. Don't waste your time, this is a thread for help and insight and communication. Peace.0 -
I'm confused... did you say you weigh 140 currently? That's my ultimate goal! I don't understand how you can consider yourself hideous, disgusting and nauseating... I love myself more now at 178 than I ever thought I would (coming from a max of 210), and I'm nowhere near my goal. I think you have some serious body image issues and should definitely see a therapist and/or specialist for eating disorders.0
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Ok so to me you either have a serious self-image issue and you need to talk to a qualified individual about that, not post it here or you're seriously looking for self validation and people here to tell you it's ok to be 134, 140 , 160 whatever.
If you look in the mirror and think you look "disgusting" at 140 lbs (or whatever) weighing 105 is not going to change that. I weigh 250, have some of the "disgusting back fat" as you put it and I couldn't be happier to be me. Is it perfect? No, far from it but I am strong, have a much lower BF since I started and I am doing it for me. And considering I started at 320, I am pretty darn proud of myself.
If you seriously need validation then you need to get it elsewhere. And you say tracking here makes you anxious and you obsess, but really if you write it down in a book or food journal isn't it really the same thing - just one is electronic?
I get that we all have self-image issues but if you honestly feel you can't even go out in public and practice your music then there are issues at hand which are larger than any of us can fix.0 -
I don't really want attention from strangers, I don't get attention at all to be quite honest, which everyone deserves. But I am just stating how I feel, sorry if you may have felt this was a ploy for attention, I am only assuming that is why you asked such but it was a genuine mistake, not a way of getting comments or attention for my horrible outlook on my boring, disgraceful view of my life.
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gah! I still cannot get the stupid quoting thing down!
See that last sentence? Statements like that could be driving people away. When you say things like this it is overwhelming and too much to take on as a friend.
Do you mind me asking..not sure if I missed it earier, what is your height and weight presently? I am thinking you have severe, and I mean severe, self esteem issues. My guess is you are not ugly or even significantly over weight right now. You are only 21, and have your whole life ahead of you...please get help0
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