Success story to Failure

Hi there!

I don't think all your issues are weight related. I want to ask if you're doing good work in your professional life, example are you going to school? what's your major? What have you thought about your career?

What are your other goals in life, which I think are of the same importance if not more than the fitness! If you aren't kicking balls in your professional life, aren't happy with work, then somewhere all the negativeness will cloud your mind, and hence the weight gain. You need to go out more, go shopping, buy some nice dresses, make up, or whatever that makes you happy and start hanging out! Try and take a vacation, go travel countryside, take a week off, go on a road trip, and try to forget about the weight and focus on the nature, the outside beauty. If you're the person who stays indoor most of the time, don't do it! Go window shopping somewhere, point is to go out and interact. Look at the beauty in others and pick on things that you see in others that make you happy. We are so lucky to be born into this world, god has given us everything, limbs, food, lovely family. Why to clutter the mind with negativity? I suggest you to go out and enjoy the world, go out from your house! Spend the entire day outside! Do something nice for others, you'll be happy. If you have no where to go, go do some charity work. You're only 21, go do an internship in a hospital. Volunteer somewhere, and be thankful for what you have! Keep moving, don't bother weighing yourself, dress nicely put some make up and give yourself a kiss before you step out of the house if nobody else does!

I saw this question and just wanted to reply as soon as I could as I hope you're still around, but it brought up a lot of questions that are relevant to me. I am not doing good work in my professional life. I'm not going to school, but by choice, and unfortunately though however my father said some pretty negative and horrible things to me almost 17 months ago. He also did something horrible which was get violent and harass me, in turn dislocating my left pinky tendon (finger). I resent my family a lot, and while I don't hate them, I feel they are unprogressive, annoying, and terrible people. I know they mean well, but I don't like their behavior and unprogressive nature/lives, they are not motivated, they are all talk and bitter/terrible energy, which is why it does not help being around them. I wanted to move to London (i'd have a place to stay, I have many family there, people I have good contact with who arent as well) to try my hand with my music career, he tore my dreams down in turn, called me worthless for not being in school, a dunce, (LOL this was funny coing from someone who must then think of himself as one because he never went to school), called me horrible names, and in turn I was disabled for 7 months thanks to him along with two surgeries, and went through a terrible terrible depression. This was along the same time that I was going through a lot with friends just because I had some other issues, dealing with my weight yet again/appearance. He made things worse. I live with him now only because I drive his car, in fact I can't stand him or living in this area where I live. It is incredibly surburban, and rural at the same time, no life, no dreams, it makes my attitude and outlook terrible so I have to keep focused and dream and work hard for my dreams, but also keep faithful which is very hard to do.

My mother does not live far away, she lives the next town over, she works in a corporate setting. She is a beautiful and strong woman but also very annoying, overbearing, and can be unprogressive not by nature but just extremely annoying and although encouraging, it's hard taking advice from someone who does not understand and tells me what to do. They have no respect for me as an individual, in fact she still likes to tell me how I should fix my hair, what I should wear, etc. When in reality I deep down wish they would all "f off" and let me be who I am, I can't be who I am around them, they live and lead boring lives. Yet they are content and thankful as they should be, but she is one person who loves to sit down and also say how "Fat" she is. She has been a size 2 nearly all of her life, yet now when almost 50 has gained weight and is not that size anymore complains about it everyday, yet has poor nutrition and barely eats at all, if so, not always the most efficient things for her as she has allergies and is a selective eater. She has a terrible gluten allergy but still eats anything because she doesn't eat much.

She doesn't ask me anything about my music. Well, she does, but she tells me to get a job that does this/that/other, when she does not realize my job is FOCUSING ON MY MUSIC and ART, I have no problem getting my own funds but they do not help me, she has no respect for my creativity and she can also be incredibly cheap when it comes to helping me. It is okay as I am responsible for myself, but she could do more to help, she just sees things from a different angle.

Next, I live with my grandma and father, she can't drive, never learned, is 76. I love her and am very close to her but I feel she slows me down and actually this all makes me hate them deep down, it makes me resent them so much. They are unprogressive, depressing, no interest, having people. She causes big problems, in fact, my father is a mama's boy who still can't wash his own dishes and leaves all his debris on the computer desk space and glasses of juice everywhere. I can't stand him, and then she has to clean everything up for her big boy. She slaves for him, cooks everyday, hard food that they shouldn't be eating. (We're Jamaican and the thing is that it's great to eat our food, but that is too intense for a kidney transplant patient, a woman on dialysis for 10 years prior, and a woman aging, no matter how strong) She does not enjoy her life. She is very religious so she is content, but she is damn right boring and unmotivated and she does the best she can to help me but holds me back in the process. She secretly, to me, tries to sabotage me. It's like everytime I go away she asks when I'm "coming" home and manipulates/tells me horrible things so I can be inclined to come back and do nothing. I have no inspiration here, it hurts me terrible artistically, but as a young woman, a young bright hearted and eyed soul ready for the beauty of the world and GROWTH. THEY NEVER GROW, they just stay the SAME. Which is a big part of why I feel this way.

They hold me down and back, then I have to help them financially, meanwhile my father's only liking is sitting on the computer when my grandmother cooks him a meal for dinner every bloody evening, over a hot stove making pork, redmeat, or some other strenuous sort of thing. And she's such a pushover, she says she won't do it but yet still does, just a damn shame. She sits down and stares into space and talks on the phone everyday because she has no life and I feel badly because she can't even travel. She gets her pension money every month, but can't even use it for her ownself because she'll try to help me and then in turn has to STILL support her big baby one and only boy (my father), it is okay to work as a unit for help, but he does nothing for her. He makes her do things that she can't damn well do, like beg her to drop things places, HOW ON EARTH DOES SHE GET TO THESE PLACES? You know what happens? That's where I have to get involved. They slow me down, as I type this I feel my heart heavy and head raging with hurt, I can't wait to get away from them, and grow, I hate it here so much. He basically ruins my life, because I have to do things for him when he in turn does nothing absolutely nothing for me. I am thankful, because he helps pay the bills, but I don't really and truly like him. All he does is speak badly of others, gossip, talk about money he doesn't have, twenty years ago, etc. I would hate to be like them, and when I am around them, I can't help but to feel these ways about myself because I get ugly because I start to feel ugly. They are just slow. Our has been remodeling for 2 plus years now, instead of him doing anything to make it better, he sits and does nothing. My 73 year old grand-aunt (nan's sister) came for a week and she had the strength of a warrior. She hammer-shot old pieces of furniture, axed old 40 foot trees covered in fungus in our yard, did intense garden work, pulled old heavy appliances/couches/etc dirt/garbage/excess into a bin and garage. Most of this was done in a DAY. My grandma has been sleeping on the couch for almost two years until her sister came and brought a mattress and bed spring from the basement into her room, in which she cleaned up and removed old 18th century remains in. I hated when she left, she was someone who actively saw the nonsense in what I go through. Even she was disgusted by him.

My grandma has not left the US in years. She left Jamaica decades ago, moved to Canada, then NYC, then to where we are now. The woman can't even damn well travel. She lost her birth certificate, and everything else. And her only form of ID is a rinsed passport................ALMOST 22 years expired. She says it with pride! "I HAVE MY PASSPORT" She just gets on my damn nerves with her nonsense as well. She causes so much problems with these things, it's ridiculous. She can't do anything because of it, and she is not ambitious to go and get it solved. Not like she can either because whenever she has money, she gives it to her son, my father, to make up for what he lacks, nearly everything, and then some. And in the interim, she will give me anything she has if she can, but I don't want it because she does not have it, it is time now for her to enjoy her life. I will do anything to make her happy but it is too much out of my life, my dreams, and it slows me down. I want her to have fun in life, but she does not have one. It's like she wants me to go to church with her multiple times a week, how in the world do we get there? She puts all this pressure on me, I don't even like going, in general, and it is far away. About 45 minutes, which is nothing in the greater scheme to hear the word. But how could I be happy going to church on a Friday night? I AM YOUNG and want to enjoy my life, and why be around old boring folks just doing praise and worship? NO EXPERIENCE. I am not experiencing anything but sadness. Oh and being around her is work because her favorite thing to do and that she can do is get DRIVEN places by her chauffeur who is deemed me. I can't stand them. And she loves asking me to drive her to the supermarket, almost everyday. It is sick, it is ridiculous. I just feel to cry in frustration about this, instead I am actually laughing because this all seems ridiculous and drawn out, "How can you feel so strongly about your life?" In fact it seems ungrateful, I am not, but I am fed up, and a lot of what I deal with on an emotional level is actually dealing with multiple things that I am around on a day to day basis. They could make anyone be depressed.

He's barely ever traveled, much rather sit on his beloved computer or drink. He's always a burden, as a child growing up, for some reason my mother would make him come on trips with my sister and I, mess. He was just there taking up space, damn disgrace. He also would create arguments. That is another thing I can't stand him for, he has a horrible heart. He verbally abused my mother and would call her names growing up. In fact I'm not sure if I resent, but I can't stand my parents for their "relationship" they both are worthless for putting us through that. I was so happy when they divorced, they weren't even really together, just for names sake were they married. Also, my grandma lived with us, so she was always in the middle somehow. He's never grown up. He's just a mess. He doesn't have any ambition other than to have money in his life, just wants money, and sadly, he likes to tear down others with ambition. Whenever he asks me about music he asks me bull****, excuse my language, "Can you play the guitar?" Yes, I can, you **** head. Who asks someone that? You damn worthless idiot, he asks only to be faceitious, I just can't stand him. "Can you sing?" I just feel to say "SATAN BE GONE" He is by far the most provoking person I've ever encountered. I just feel terrible, all this doubt.

When I was away in London for a long time, when I finally escaped the matrix and jungle I live in, he sent me an email harassing me about me not being in school after the fact his old stupid idiotic self put harm to me and sunk me into a big psychological mess. I was injured, and to be spiteful, his demonic self sold my car for $200, for cheap just because he didn't want me to have a way around. Then I had no way of getting to therapy or my doctor, my grandma again was at the rescue, she would find funds just to get me there via cab which would be about 300 every week. I'd have to go to occupational therapy three times a week because of him, and to my surgeon for check ups. Anyway, he has a vivid imagination because he believes I was "doing so well" in college and he "doesn't know what I'm doing and you were so focused and now not etc." he makes up things. I don't even like talking to him, so how he figures these things? His imagination or make believe confirmation from his yes man, my grandma. He knows nothing about me, he doesn't know anything, not even my favorite color. Or favorite artist> All he knows I love music. He thinks we have had a close relationship. He loves to believe people set me up to "hate him" but the reality is I hate no one! LOL, in fact, I don't care enough about him to hate him. He is a very lost man, who causes problems just by being himself, not a nice person. Everyone is human, despite my outloook towards him, I still see the positive. He is the way he is because of what he has and has not gone through, achieved, and never grew out of. He is not an evolved soul, for that his soul weeps into the beauty of others creations; burning fire into their rivers and waters of love, art, and creation not out of envy but out of bitterness towards the world and others. He causes arguments and makes it seem like my mother sets me up to dislike him, when my dislike for him is my own dislike. She always says to respect and love my father because unfortunately he is my father, and sadly, we cannot choose our parents, [this is coming from a woman who went through hell and back because of them (dad/grandma).] But, she chose him sadly, so it's all actually her fault. I look like him which makes me feel worse.

My father, he does disgusting things like ease his body and laugh as if he's a tormented child, damn disgrace. He likes for everyone to hear his nastiness, just a sick person. He also sweeps his teeth every 2 minutes, he has a few rotten teeth he refuses to get taken out probably for the last fifteen years. He's disgusting, he eats his boogers publicly and then tries to touch you, and picks his scabs (not bashing people who do either, I'm sure some people do these things out of habit or some sort of disorder subconsciously: I am just saying what he does and laughs about as he does not seem to have any disorder other than being a damn disgrace) and does other horrible things. He is not kind when speaking about others. He puts others down, how can someone do so everyday? And not see a problem? He has made no progress with his life and I get anxious about my weight/etc because I don't want to be like them, unprogressive, or unaccomplishing. He also just ruins everything with his presence, I know this is negative talk, but please understand that I feel extremely passionate about this because this all makes it worse and makes me feel on edge which makes my problems worse.

My goal in life is to create beautiful music, evolve and grow musically, sharing my life and sharing the truth of it, through it. I am bound to make art, I want to grow selflessly in my music and create lasting sounds people will hear forever. I admire Nina Simone, her depth, I admire all. When I listen to people like Lauryn Hill, and Amy Winehouse I love the legacy they left behind, just through their music. (Only naming them two because they're of the younger set). I want to experience life, and experience, growth. My dream is to make music and grow with beautiful experiences/people, release albums/art that are married together. I love photography, and want to document my life. My goal is not to have a lavish house, or shop in Soho comfortably at stores I don't need to. I want to defy the odds. I want to enlighten others through my vision and my sound, and I want to learn endlessly. It would be lovely to win awards for my music someday. I once dreamed of winning a noble peace prize but I probably don't sound peaceful right now speaking about my warped family. My dream is to connect to people and expose who I am through my music as the greats, in my eyes, did. So many things along the way. I never particularly dreamed of having a family, maybe when I was a younger girl, I'm still young, but time makes me so anxious now. When I feel this way and am around this I feel like, and am, robbed of my life, and my dreams. I want to move to London, I want to get a record deal so I can perform and make an album and share it to the people. I want that so badly. I hate it here, it hurts my soul. I speak with the universe, I stand outside on Sunny days with my mouth open praying just pass by a butterfly with a surprise message just for me. I believe that amazing things can happen. I want to give back to the world that has formed me, I want to travel the world, I want to see the favelas in brazil and live, I want to climb the hills of Myanmar with the natives. I want to speak Malagasy and dance around the valley of the baobab trees, and write music inspired by who I am, and what I FEEL. Because when I am here? All I feel is damn near depressed and on edge. It's gotten terrible, whenever my nice grandmother speaks to me or calls me, it's like I respond with, "WHAT?!" Although that's not me, when I'm here? That's who I become, sad, angry, and almost expecting bad to happen.

You know, some of these celebrities, they have no idea who they are, they are not real. That's not my aspiration, to live in glamorous houses and be made up. What I loved about Nina Simone, and so many true artists of the world is that there is no glamour in being a public commodity. I don't want to represent minstrelsy because I am much deeper as a product of a higher source than to live in a matrix. I don't want billions of dollars or to buy airplanes. In fact, I just want to be around creative souls, and feed and give energy and experience. That's all it is, energy. We are just energy, apparently. And when I am here, my energy rivals that of a corpse. I think and think until the day passes me by, and all I seem to look forward to is tomorrow, to see a NEW day, because I yearn for NEW and change.

I don't have friends anymore. My friends didn't know how to handle a lot of what I was going through. I came back from London two years ago on a high, I was in love with love, and it was then I saw and felt possibilities and transformation, everyone noticed, but them. They held me back, my family, my environment. This town is full of failure and people with no vision, only because they were taught to not have anymore vision, but to live in the visions of others. We all have to use something, whether it be people, or ideas, or energy, etc. to rotate and to get somewhere. I look at people, not just my family because maybe they are normal indeed and this is just me finding myself and my own thoughts/ideas, but they all prefer to be used, and rotated, much like lab rats. Most people's lives in general, including my family, contain, work, sleep, maybe eat for some, repeat, weekend, rest, maybe head out, and let's do it again. That's no life. No joy in their eyes, my family, of their dreams. Their dreams are lost, but they can be found, they just don't think this way.

I hurt a lot because I feel very misunderstood by others. I miss my three girlfriends, but they moved on without me, and they led me to believe we were still friends when they didn't look at me as one, but yet secluded me at a weak time as a collective instead of being honest. They didn't know how to help anymore, nor is it easy energy to be around, but when I was positive, instead of them enjoying my company, they spoke about how 'fake' or inauthentic I seemed. When in reality, I was neither, they just moved on with eachother, and not me. They had a rocky relationship and fixed it, and in the process, downplayed me.

There are many things I want to do. I mainly want strength, and happiness. I want health, I want beauty, but not in a superficial sense, beauty is in character and talent, and through music I am able to showcase that. That is my being. I want to see the world and have stories to tell, I want to experience. I want friendship. I want memories, I want to evolve, that is my dream in life, I want to document my growth through my albums.

This place is a crap hole, it cost a lot of money to get into the city from here, and I love being out, but it gets very lonely sometimes. I want people. I need people. But not just anyone. My friends and I connected because we got the same jokes, same outlooks, but yet different at the same time. We were a great fit, but now I resent them in a way at times, and because I can't move on, I feel worse, and like a loser. No friends. I've never had a boyfriend before either, not that I care, but in a way deep down maybe there is something there, a tiny dot of no clarity. I had a guy friend in London, he was my first kiss, I admire him as an artist as well, as he is too. He had a beautiful outlook on life. I did not worship him, as I worship no man, but I felt very deeply for him as a person because I never believed I'd experience anyone doing anything with me little less kissing me or anything of the sort as I view myself as repulsive and not attractive to men (which is fine because I'm barely attracted to most men based on aesthetic alone. I'm a bit strange because I can respect someone being handsome, but to me men are men, they are who they are, regardless of the way they look someone can be attractive. So I never really fawn over men in greased up photos, in fact that makes me laugh, I don't like overt sexuality with men outright, that makes me feel terrible, unless they are doing something, like showcasing their talent(s)/art. I more so find musicians attractive) Anyway I liked him, probably more than he liked me, he didn't really find me attractive physically, but liked my personality, it was said, and it's a long story. He ended up seeing this girl and telling her I was obsessed with him, which I was but not in a negative way, I respected him rather. She was with him, she told a whole heap of people I was stalking her because of it and was obsessed with her. Girl is a supermodel by the way. He caused a big problem in my life, because he didn't like how I looked. I know, not a big deal, but things like that I internalize not because I desire to be with him, but I internalized it because for some reason how I look makes me feel like a monster and that it may be the cause of my lack of things.
I try to focus on my art, but just get distracted trying to find an escape. I'd do anything to go back to London or leave here and get my music deal(s), I had opportunities/have opportunities, but I wouldn't take them because of my looks, and no encouragement from my family/the demons that hold me back.

My mother likes to buy me clothes that make me look ridiculous, they are beautiful clothes, but I just look like a hot mess in them, and they are not my style. I don't care about the clothes I care about the vision. "Fix yourself it'll make you feel better" Yes fixing inside makes one feel better, and being happy to be somewhere does too, not being around people that won't let you grow and move along. She worries about me because in her eyes I am still a child, but how can I grow if you don't allow me to? Leave me alone and go away, or help. She got mad once because I told her to stop fixing my damn blasted winter coat, she was fixing me like I was a baby, and it was annoying, leave me alone man. I'm fine, stop trying to present me and fix yourself. I am grateful for her but these things can really make someone so annoyed. I had independence and my own life was kicking while I was there, but HERE? Lord have mercy please help if you exist. I ask everyday, the sky, in the car, anywhere, "God you know my desires, PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!" And no response, I am stuck with them.

I want to interact, I want friends, I want LIFE. I'm young, I wanna dance and experience, but this place? Dungeon cell. I practice so much and write so much, but it stifles my creativity and life. I want to enjoy.

So dealing with my weight on top of this makes me angry. They are the cause of my weight issues because they never encouraged me instead said horrible things. And now they claim I"m too skinny, I feel they are trying to sabotage me and my goals in everyway. They tell me I'm beautiful, but how in the world could I be "beautiful" if I am around their ugly dispositions? Exactly, no way. They make me ugly. I look at most young women, and I feel the have certain pizzazz and essence I don't. I can barely speak to my mom about things like tampons, she says, "Don't try them don't try that stuff it's bad for you" or nonsense. I can't stand them. No growth, they like to stay the same, never change and just be comfortable or content and uncomfortable.

I work hard to change this, but they suck the energy out of me so it is impossible to see the light near them. I can barely find a place to did gigs around here.

BUt I will never give up and I am going to get back on it.