Success story to Failure

I am 5'7" and my goal weight is 20 lbs higher than your current weight. Your goal weight is sickly for your height. It sounds like you have much deeper issues, please speak to your doctor. I haven't read the other comments, and I'm sure mine is not the first comment like this.

I understand but I think everyone, or maybe just me, has an idea of what they'd like for their body to be. I don't think asking for about 120 and lowered body fat is asking too much. I think I should be that size, at least in my head.

Thank you for your input. I will do my best to message everyone who has replied that I haven't gotten back to pertaining to the possible things I can do to help get me there, and just advice in general about this or insight.

Also I despise the word 'fat' I know I call myself that word, but I more so feel that way. The word fat to me is actually not a real word. It is a disgraceful word. Not in context of body fat, but just the word fat. The word fat should NOT be an ADJECTIVE.

That should actually be no way to describe something because it's terrible. To me fat and ugly go hand in hand for my own life, it is a word I never call another. I think every shape and size is beautiful, just not mine because it is just not the way I'd like for it to be. But I do genuinely believe that everyone is beautiful heavier, slimmer, those things mean nothing. A heavier person can be healthier than a slimmer person. Vice versa. This is all based on individual.

It is not what makes someone, which is why I get upset I feel this way still about myself.

Also, my mother made a comment the other day about someone being too fat to turn the car wheel when they were driving slowly to make a turn, out of frustration. Who on EARTH says that? She says things like, "Ooh look at you skinny minni, now I'm the fat one, you're probably rejoicing!" Who the hell says that? Bloody mess, I love her but just a damn mess, she is just as bad as my grandma and her boy.

I am thankful to have them but when I'm away from them? I don't miss them! I am fine!

She gained weight and got upset someone called her fluffy! She is fluffy! SShe is beautiful! She is not as slim as she used to be and she is just annoying and vain, a grown woman, I'd hate to be like that when I am her age, which is why I get upset about this furthermore with myself, just frustrated.

I want to use my body as a tool of love, for myself. I want to prove to myself that I can achieve all things. For example. yoga, I admire yogi's so much, the beautiful power of mind/body. My problem is because I feel this way my bloody mind doesn't correspond with my body because I just feel I'll never get there.

I told my mother I was going to take an Italian class because I want to spend time in Italy someday and learn the culture/music. She said, "Why would you do that...doesn't that cost..money?" See? Just stupid unmotivating questions. Damn blasted boring and never doing it herself. She is lovely but has all these desires herself and no action, I act upon things and have great ideas- They always shut down my ideas/desires since I was a small kid, in fact now writing this, it all makes sense.

And her saying things like her now being the fat one? It makes me feel like she sabotaged me growing up. Not saying she did but it's like, who thinks in that twisted way? What a terrible person says that? She is lovely but who really would say something so insensitive? I AM YOUNG, I am YOUR DAUGHTER, I should be smaller than you you bloody baffooon...

And how does someone being heavier become a factor of them turning a car wheel? That's not funny, she should not be speaking because just as how someone called her fluffy, she did not like it. She is just bitter she gained weight. No matter what I weigh I'd never call another that 'fat' word, I actually only call myself fat. I don't either call people ugly, just myself. I do say that the things certain people say make them seem ugly. Always "seem" ugly because ugly should not be an adjective either.

Feeling ugly is being ugly, and because I feel ugly and the f word, I become and accept myself sadly as that.

If they see bigger humans walking, especially women, they make noises of disgust, that is absolutely disgusting. When people comment on shallow and stupid things like that about others it breeds anger in my heart and sadness because those are the things that make people like me over time just accept and believe/agree that we are 'ugly' or the f word. Because people treat us DIFFERENTLY!

Everyone is human.
My father too loves to sit and call people ugly/"wutless"-aka 'worthless in his accent'/fat/lazy etc. but he says this while sitting in front of a CPU meanwhile has no money and has to constantly beg me and others whom he does nothing but create problems/misery for funds and holds us all back.

My mother is cheap too, she complains. She has it and complains, i know everyone has their own idea of "having it" but seriously? Just a mess.

She called my sister better looking than me once when I asked her, and she swears up and down until this day probably that she didn't say it. Lie.

It's okay i don't hate her for it but oh well.

And now my sister tells me to eat something I'm so skinny, according to her, yet she was the one who'd call me an ugly fat hog growing.

And guess what? Still feel that way. These horrible things do stay, but I do my best with my therapist, if anything all she does is listen and laugh. Nothing really helpful other than occasional insight/inspiration.

You need a journal/diary and a therapist.

I have both, but I've been considering getting a new therapist. I have many books I write in, but I'd hope you're not being sarcastic about a journal, because quite frankly that would be the last, as I have many. Thanks for the input, sorry for being a thief of joy in your eyes, but don't be a thief of thought, I created this thread genuinely out of my current state of my life. I don't have a community other than here to discuss such matters with people that I think may or may not have been in a similar tsstate prior.

Thank you for your input, enjoy the day, hopefully it's lovely where you are. Much love!