Mixed emotions. My man spoke to me about my weight.

bluebird1962
bluebird1962 Posts: 1
in Introduce Yourself
I appreciate his honesty, and it's helped me get on track. But I feel embarrassed and angry at myself and a little at him. Trying to sort this out in my head.
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Replies

  • axis46664
    axis46664 Posts: 5
    My guy has done the same thing to me in the past. I tried to take it in the best possible light, but you're right, it's hard. Hang in there! :flowerforyou:
  • silencioesoro
    silencioesoro Posts: 318 Member
    Now it's time to figure out what YOU want to do for you.

    Yes, he could be a part of the reason why you get started, but the end goal is up to you and for you.

    <3 I hope you get sorted out soon.
  • msdutter
    msdutter Posts: 17 Member
    Does he know about you trying to lose weight / get fit / your journey / however you want to phrase it?

    My husband has made comments, and he really just thought he was being helpful or that it was what I wanted him to do. I wouldn't read too much into it. Maybe just bring it up casually like "Hey, the other day when you said _____ I took it really personally and it hurt my feelings. I want your support and I appreciate you trying to be helpful. But, what I mean by support is positivity and listening."
  • aedreana
    aedreana Posts: 979 Member
    When in my early 30s, for over 3 years I had a boyfriend who always complained about my weight. I am 5' 3 1/2" and he thought I was enormous at 129 pounds. Desperate to hold on to him, I dieted down to 108. He still thought I was fat. He told me, "Your legs should look like mine. Your butt should look like mine." He was 5' 10" and 147 pounds and he did look perfect. I like thin men! But I felt I was too thin at 108. We went to a bookstore and I showed him books with photos of Marilyn Monroe and said, that is an ideal female figure. And he said, "She's a pig."
  • Skrib69
    Skrib69 Posts: 687 Member
    OK, so did you join MFP as a result of that conversation, or had you done that already?? I only ask because it puts a different slant on what you are saying.....

    If he was the motivation to join, then you clearly care about what he thinks. I don't think there is anything wrong with this, but pretty soon you are going to want a motivation that is for you. So, you could take the attitude of 'Thanks very much for the impetus I needed'.

    If, on the other hand, MFP came first and he was being less than supportive I would suggest you remember why you are doing this. Once again, you are here for you - not him! Some people just don't like change and have a hard time dealing with it without being negative. You could try explaining to him why you are doing it, or you could take the 'tough, it's what I am doing line' - it really depends on what you think he will respond best to....

    Good luck!
  • kimberlyblindsey
    kimberlyblindsey Posts: 266 Member
    There seems to be an awful lot of this going around lately. I hope he said it in a kind and respectful way.
  • slimbettie
    slimbettie Posts: 686 Member
    There is never a right way to say this. Very slippery grounds!!!! Though my hubby never said anything about my weight, he does make it clear that he does not want the 70lbs back on me. I don't blame him and respects his honesty.
  • axis46664
    axis46664 Posts: 5
    Aedreana - wow, I'm glad you started that post with "... HAD a boyfriend..."
  • kirili3
    kirili3 Posts: 244 Member
    Aedreana - wow, I'm glad you started that post with "... HAD a boyfriend..."

    This!

    Also, he sounds like maybe he had an ED but didn't realize it and thought his view of the world was worth spreading to others.
  • ianthy
    ianthy Posts: 404 Member
    Hi

    I wish my husband had spoken to me about my weight. When we finally talked about it - he said yes he could see I was getting bigger and that did not worry him, But it was impacting my health and that was his big concern but he did not want to upset me so felt it best to say nothing and just help where he could.

    Hopefully your man spoke in a supportive way - it's up to you and you make the changes for you. If he is supportive and helpfull it will make your weight loss/fitness journey so much easier.

    Best of luck.
  • thavoice
    thavoice Posts: 1,326 Member
    When in my early 30s, for over 3 years I had a boyfriend who always complained about my weight. I am 5' 3 1/2" and he thought I was enormous at 129 pounds. Desperate to hold on to him, I dieted down to 108. He still thought I was fat. He told me, "Your legs should look like mine. Your butt should look like mine." He was 5' 10" and 147 pounds and he did look perfect. I like thin men! But I felt I was too thin at 108. We went to a bookstore and I showed him books with photos of Marilyn Monroe and said, that is an ideal female figure. And he said, "She's a pig."
    Ha. You were trying to stay with a guy who was 5"10" and 147 lbs?
    So, who opens the pickle jars and does the manly stuff around home?
  • Taiser
    Taiser Posts: 81 Member
    Meh, my wife was after me for years to get back into shape, never stuck. It took my doctor to call me fat to get me going. Funny how that works out sometimes...
  • amberj32
    amberj32 Posts: 663 Member
    When in my early 30s, for over 3 years I had a boyfriend who always complained about my weight. I am 5' 3 1/2" and he thought I was enormous at 129 pounds. Desperate to hold on to him, I dieted down to 108. He still thought I was fat. He told me, "Your legs should look like mine. Your butt should look like mine." He was 5' 10" and 147 pounds and he did look perfect. I like thin men! But I felt I was too thin at 108. We went to a bookstore and I showed him books with photos of Marilyn Monroe and said, that is an ideal female figure. And he said, "She's a pig."
    Ha. You were trying to stay with a guy who was 5"10" and 147 lbs?
    So, who opens the pickle jars and does the manly stuff around home?

    Best response ever!!!!!!!
  • fallingtrees
    fallingtrees Posts: 220 Member
    When in my early 30s, for over 3 years I had a boyfriend who always complained about my weight. I am 5' 3 1/2" and he thought I was enormous at 129 pounds. Desperate to hold on to him, I dieted down to 108. He still thought I was fat. He told me, "Your legs should look like mine. Your butt should look like mine." He was 5' 10" and 147 pounds and he did look perfect. I like thin men! But I felt I was too thin at 108. We went to a bookstore and I showed him books with photos of Marilyn Monroe and said, that is an ideal female figure. And he said, "She's a pig."
    Ha. You were trying to stay with a guy who was 5"10" and 147 lbs?
    So, who opens the pickle jars and does the manly stuff around home?

    Now THAT made my morning!

    But about the SO in question...

    There's an interesting double standard, which may or may not be relevant here. A typical wife will nag her husband about his health, his appearance, does he really want to wear that tie with that jacket, maybe he should get a haircut this weekend, etc.

    But the poor guy has to be careful of the emotional minefield of comments and criticisms going the other way.

    I remember my ex commenting on a bowl of chips and guacamole one evening. I said, look, Buster, I counted these chips and budgeted for them. I lost one-and-a-half pounds last week and took the dog out for a two-mile run today, twice. So mind your own beeswax.

    I have a friend who needs to lose weight, and her SO is dangerously overweight (it just hurts me to watch him walk and listen to him breathe). They are both aware of this. If the comment is meant as support, and it hurts, I suppose the best thing is to acknowledge that it hurts. If, however, it was just thoughtless or mean criticism, there's some serious discussion that needs to take place.
  • refuseresist
    refuseresist Posts: 934 Member
    When in my early 30s, for over 3 years I had a boyfriend who always complained about my weight. I am 5' 3 1/2" and he thought I was enormous at 129 pounds. Desperate to hold on to him, I dieted down to 108. He still thought I was fat. He told me, "Your legs should look like mine. Your butt should look like mine." He was 5' 10" and 147 pounds and he did look perfect. I like thin men! But I felt I was too thin at 108. We went to a bookstore and I showed him books with photos of Marilyn Monroe and said, that is an ideal female figure. And he said, "She's a pig."

    He thought you should look like a thin man? Hmm I can guess why you are not together anymore.
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  • TheVirgoddess
    TheVirgoddess Posts: 4,535 Member
    I appreciate his honesty, and it's helped me get on track. But I feel embarrassed and angry at myself and a little at him. Trying to sort this out in my head.

    Talk to him about how his words made you feel. Don't hold onto those feelings or the resentment. His intentions were probably good, maybe his delivery sucked - it's important that he knows how you feel though.

    Good luck :)
  • LosingExtraKristy
    LosingExtraKristy Posts: 164 Member
    It's tough to hear. I have heard it too, and didn't not take it so well. My feelings were hurt. I felt like I wasn't good enough the way I was, which sucked, because I already had low self esteem because of my weight. He told me he wanted me to be healthy, he wanted me to be around. I still think that was kind of a cover up for going around with a fat wife. But I'm working on it...I really want to get my @ss in gear and do this hardcore...but I've been back with the food lately. :cry: It's hard and frustrating!! (also - my husband is not thin or in shape, though he is strong...and he eats whatever he wants...pot calling the kettle black...)
  • RllyGudTweetr
    RllyGudTweetr Posts: 2,019 Member
    When in my early 30s, for over 3 years I had a boyfriend who always complained about my weight. I am 5' 3 1/2" and he thought I was enormous at 129 pounds. Desperate to hold on to him, I dieted down to 108. He still thought I was fat. He told me, "Your legs should look like mine. Your butt should look like mine." He was 5' 10" and 147 pounds and he did look perfect. I like thin men! But I felt I was too thin at 108. We went to a bookstore and I showed him books with photos of Marilyn Monroe and said, that is an ideal female figure. And he said, "She's a pig."
    Ha. You were trying to stay with a guy who was 5"10" and 147 lbs?
    So, who opens the pickle jars and does the manly stuff around home?
    Sugar Ray Leonard boxed at that height and weight for years. His contemporary, Thomas Hearns, boxed in the same weight class while being taller. I suspect both were perfectly capable of opening pickle jars and doing "manly stuff" (whatever that means) while they were at fighting weight.

    Why is the attempt to body shame thinner folks any different/better than the attempt to body shame heavier ones?
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
    When in my early 30s, for over 3 years I had a boyfriend who always complained about my weight. I am 5' 3 1/2" and he thought I was enormous at 129 pounds. Desperate to hold on to him, I dieted down to 108. He still thought I was fat. He told me, "Your legs should look like mine. Your butt should look like mine." He was 5' 10" and 147 pounds and he did look perfect. I like thin men! But I felt I was too thin at 108. We went to a bookstore and I showed him books with photos of Marilyn Monroe and said, that is an ideal female figure. And he said, "She's a pig."

    Sounds like a real winner.
  • whovian67
    whovian67 Posts: 608 Member
    Now it's time to figure out what YOU want to do for you.

    Yes, he could be a part of the reason why you get started, but the end goal is up to you and for you.

    <3 I hope you get sorted out soon.

    I agree.. You start for one reason but in the journey you may just find yourself :)
  • fatbegone85
    fatbegone85 Posts: 70
    My ex brought me a grill for my 28th birthday -_-. Well intended but um, yea. If your boyfriend said it in a respectful nice way, then just know he loves you and wants you to be healthy. If he said it in a nasty way, well still work on losing weight, starting with him.
  • LizMarx2014
    LizMarx2014 Posts: 9
    Oh, ouch! I had a former male friend who never said a word about my weight, just kept talking and talking and talking... about all the women MY AGE at his gym who were in Fantastic shape. I told him he should ask one of them out. He didn't take the hint. I was not interested in him to begin with and after that, I was never going to be. We are no longer friends. I was about 15 pounds overweight at the time, 5'2", size 6/78 or small/medium depending on the brand -- really nothing to complain about.

    It was pretty rude considering he was 60 pounds overweight himself and thought nothing of eating a whole pizza for dinner. He did eventually lose the weight, but there wasn't any point picking on me, I was hardly a bad influence. The other way 'round I'd say.
  • munky_do
    munky_do Posts: 40 Member
    When in my early 30s, for over 3 years I had a boyfriend who always complained about my weight. I am 5' 3 1/2" and he thought I was enormous at 129 pounds. Desperate to hold on to him, I dieted down to 108. He still thought I was fat. He told me, "Your legs should look like mine. Your butt should look like mine." He was 5' 10" and 147 pounds and he did look perfect. I like thin men! But I felt I was too thin at 108. We went to a bookstore and I showed him books with photos of Marilyn Monroe and said, that is an ideal female figure. And he said, "She's a pig."


    Was he gay? I dated a guy who said something like that to me after I confessed that I was trying to lose my extra weight. "You can look like me". He was very very skinny. I just laughed at him. There was no date after that. :-p
  • summer92008
    summer92008 Posts: 202
    I'm kind of in the same boat, except in the opposite way. My boyfriend doesn't want me to lose weight. I am not overweight, but I would like to slim down a little to up my self-esteem. But every time I talk about what I've eaten today, or how many calories I burned while exercising, he gets upset. He says it hurts his feelings because he thinks I am beautiful the way I am and that I'm pretty much ignoring what he says by dieting. He said it also hurts his feelings because I talk about how I need to lose weight when I don't, and he knows he needs to lose weight. He says, "If you aren't happy with yourself the way you are, then how can you possibly find me attractive the way I am?" He is on the bigger side, but he has been the whole time I've been with him and I love him nonetheless. I do wish he would lose some weight just to help his health, but I don't want to mention it. I know in time he will do it on his own. As far as my weight loss goes, I try to just keep it a "secret" from him - I just don't discuss exercising or trying to eat smaller portions, etc. I do feel bad for thinking that yes, he does need to lose weight because I love him and find him attractive the way he is, but I just want him to get healthy so we can live long, happy, healthy lives together.
  • fatbegone85
    fatbegone85 Posts: 70
    Oh, ouch! I had a former male friend who never said a word about my weight, just kept talking and talking and talking... about all the women MY AGE at his gym who were in Fantastic shape. I told him he should ask one of them out. He didn't take the hint. I was not interested in him to begin with and after that, I was never going to be. We are no longer friends. I was about 15 pounds overweight at the time, 5'2", size 6/78 or small/medium depending on the brand -- really nothing to complain about.

    It was pretty rude considering he was 60 pounds overweight himself and thought nothing of eating a whole pizza for dinner. He did eventually lose the weight, but there wasn't any point picking on me, I was hardly a bad influence. The other way 'round I'd say.

    I'm going to get in trouble for saying this but: I find a lot of men deluded when it comes to looks. They will be very much overweight with a beer gut demanding a super model wife. I had a co-worker inappropriately complain about his wife gaining weight, but yet there he is with at least 30 lbs of at he should probably shed.

    Look at most sitcoms. Normally dopey looking husband, hot slender wife.
  • futuresize8
    futuresize8 Posts: 476 Member
    To the OP...did your man talk to you about your weight in a loving way or a hurtful way?

    And, no matter how he said it, it's okay for you to say, "I appreciate your honesty, but what you said embarrassed me." That's being honest, too. And just saying that to him may make you feel better and give him a chance to comfort you.

    For me, I would rather have the real conversations - in a constructive, healthy way - than to not have them and not know what my husband was thinking.
  • VTRutz
    VTRutz Posts: 52 Member
    The only time my husband ever says anything about my weight or weight loss is to 1) tell me Im beautiful or 2) when I ask him to go get me a {insert healthy eating unapproved item here} he asks if I am really sure I want him to and if it fits with my goals.... and thats honestly a good thing because I am HARDCORE an impulse person. lol

    As long as it was said respectfully, I hope it shakes out ok. If it was said in a mean way- then definitely let him know that it bothered you!
  • Aili100
    Aili100 Posts: 1
    to the person who has a critical BF who thinks Marilyn Monroe "is a pig"......I hope he is a former BF.
  • itsbasschick
    itsbasschick Posts: 1,584 Member
    how things are said and whether they're said out of love can make a huge difference. what my husband said to me about my weight was that he was scared for me, and wanted me to be around for as long as possible.

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