Mixed emotions. My man spoke to me about my weight.

The bottom line is not what he SAYS, but what he DOES. Sometimes men don't know how to communicate in anything other than black and white. But if he is truly supportive of you, he will make healthy lifestyle changes with you and encourage you in a positive way.

I agree so much with your statement ... honesty in a relationship is the only way things work. Take this time to start eating healthy and encourage him to do it with you. Have a healthy dinner and enjoy a nice long walk after dinner together. Not only will you feel better but you will be able to enjoy some quality time with your husband .

Do take it personal, just time to make small changes that will make you feel better and help you live longer....

I guess it really depends on delivery. If he said something along the lines of "babe you're getting fat and I don't find that attractive" I'd be very hurt and upset. If he said something like "babe I've noticed that you haven't been as happy and active as usual and I'm becoming concerned" then no real reason to be upset.

What if he was really thinking the first but said the second?

I get that there's no need to go out of your to hurt someone, but burying your own feelings to avoid doing so isn't necessarily the pathway to happiness, either. Some things are going to hurt your feelings.

I'm kind of in the same boat, except in the opposite way. My boyfriend doesn't want me to lose weight. I am not overweight, but I would like to slim down a little to up my self-esteem. But every time I talk about what I've eaten today, or how many calories I burned while exercising, he gets upset. He says it hurts his feelings because he thinks I am beautiful the way I am and that I'm pretty much ignoring what he says by dieting. He said it also hurts his feelings because I talk about how I need to lose weight when I don't, and he knows he needs to lose weight. He says, "If you aren't happy with yourself the way you are, then how can you possibly find me attractive the way I am?" He is on the bigger side, but he has been the whole time I've been with him and I love him nonetheless. I do wish he would lose some weight just to help his health, but I don't want to mention it. I know in time he will do it on his own. As far as my weight loss goes, I try to just keep it a "secret" from him - I just don't discuss exercising or trying to eat smaller portions, etc. I do feel bad for thinking that yes, he does need to lose weight because I love him and find him attractive the way he is, but I just want him to get healthy so we can live long, happy, healthy lives together.

He sounds a tad insecure, and a little manipulative. Why you ask, bc my EX didn't want me to really WO(he had packed on about 50 lb) so I would sneak out of the house early in the a.m. and run then get back in bed as if nothing happened. Very disturbing looking back at that, but I allowed it, so I can't play the victim.

I can relate somewhat to this as well. I had a boyfriend who constantly made me feel like I shouldn't do anything to improve how I looked. At the time, I felt he was incredibly loving because even if I looked like crap, he always made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the room. But looking back, I do think it was somewhat manipulative of him to do things that would sabotage my -ok they were feeble back then - attempts to look and feel better about my body. I soon lost track of what I considered healthy or sexy for me because he really did seem to appreciate me in all sizes. But anyway, it seems like I blame him, which I don't. I take full responsibility for everything I didn't do to keep myself in shape back then.

But before I get completely off track, my point is he would also say that if I felt I needed to lose weight, then I couldn't be attracted to him (he's 6'6" and had a bit of extra weight) and I'd end up feeling guilty for doing something that somehow made him doubt my love for him. Now that the relationship ended, I can clearly see that should be classified as manipulative behavior.

But here's the thing, we remain friends and the other day I mentioned my progress and that I was getting back in shape, and I was kinda surprised when told me again how he really never thought I was out of shape to being with, but he was sorry if he contributed to make me feel unhealthy. So... maybe he wasn't being manipulative after all? I don't know, perhaps there are some guys who really don't mind the weight gain and just feel insecure when the girl is trying to look better and take that as a sign that she's about to dump them? I don't know. I guess men are complicated creatures.

If you not have anything nice to say to a person then Shut the Hell up!

Well, my six year old daughter would not let me ride one of those enclosed slides at a water park yesterday because another kid had told her a week prior that someone fat had went down the slide, got stuck, broke the slide, and the body was never found. It was really hard to hear. It was clearly out of concern for my fat body getting stuck and not to be ugly. She even started crying and hugging me. So today I'm getting serious and getting healthy. I have known I needed to do it for a while, but I haven't been. I am breastfeeding and so I am always hungry, but I haven't been making smart decisions. and now I'm a little depressed. But I'm going to try and keep motivated and positive because I know it will make me feel a lot better (and maybe next summer she will approve of me going down the slide).

I hope he is a former BF.

Why? If your partner is supposed to be your best friend, shouldn't he/she be able to talk to you about your health? Providing that it was said with kindness and good intention, I don't see a problem.

Well, since she was 108 and he still thought she was fat I really don't see any way that could be loving.

That wasn't the OP. That was another poster and I wasn't referring to that post.

But the person you responded to was. Your comment might have been intended for the OP but you quoted someone who was addressing someone else. No biggie, it happens.

Not in her original post. He/she edited after the fact. I have like, 1,700 posts. I'm pretty sure I know how it works.

Yeah, I have been known to say that myself about my ex-- "Maybe what he really wanted was a MAN?" I say that because I know he would feel insulted at that. In truth, I do not believe he was attracted to males. I think what he really was attracted to was skinny females who were very toned and firm with no cellulite. I believe he viewed me as fat because my thighs/butt were fleshy and cellulite-laden, because size-wise I wasn't actually large at all at 129 pounds. In fact, he was absolutely shocked when one day I put on a pair of his little corduroy Ocean Pacific short shorts and zipped them up easily. He was just stunned. My taste runs to VERY thin men, firm but without muscle definition. I didn't think J.J. on "Good Times" was too thin at all! For myself, I don't want to be 95 pounds and model-thin. I do not want to look athletic or have any defined musculature. I want to be soft and slender but I like being a size 4 and I need to lose a few pounds so my size 4 jeans will fit better (I am 121 lbs.)-- but I do not want to be size 2.

My husband is gentle in the way he tells me about my weight-by suggesting that both of us get to the gym to get exercise or that we both eat healthier.

I'm hoping this was along the same lines. A lot of times it's hard to hear it from someone we love because maybe we've been thinking it for a long time, but hearing it out loud especially from our significant other...it makes it real somehow.

When in my early 30s, for over 3 years I had a boyfriend who always complained about my weight. I am 5' 3 1/2" and he thought I was enormous at 129 pounds. Desperate to hold on to him, I dieted down to 108. He still thought I was fat. He told me, "Your legs should look like mine. Your butt should look like mine." He was 5' 10" and 147 pounds and he did look perfect. I like thin men! But I felt I was too thin at 108. We went to a bookstore and I showed him books with photos of Marilyn Monroe and said, that is an ideal female figure. And he said, "She's a pig."

Ha. You were trying to stay with a guy who was 5"10" and 147 lbs?
So, who opens the pickle jars and does the manly stuff around home?

Sugar Ray Leonard boxed at that height and weight for years. His contemporary, Thomas Hearns, boxed in the same weight class while being taller. I suspect both were perfectly capable of opening pickle jars and doing "manly stuff" (whatever that means) while they were at fighting weight.

Why is the attempt to body shame thinner folks any different/better than the attempt to body shame heavier ones?

My husband is slim and relatively muscular, along these lines. I assure you that he can open pickle jars, play with our kids, run for miles, lift heavy things, etc.

I don't appreciate shaming of either fat or thin people.

Not putting down any one Just sharing personal preference

[/quote]Sugar Ray Leonard boxed at that height and weight for years. His contemporary, Thomas Hearns, boxed in the same weight class while being taller. I suspect both were perfectly capable of opening pickle jars and doing "manly stuff" (whatever that means) while they were at fighting weight.

Why is the attempt to body shame thinner folks any different/better than the attempt to body shame heavier ones?
[/quote]

this.

When in my early 30s, for over 3 years I had a boyfriend who always complained about my weight. I am 5' 3 1/2" and he thought I was enormous at 129 pounds. Desperate to hold on to him, I dieted down to 108. He still thought I was fat. He told me, "Your legs should look like mine. Your butt should look like mine." He was 5' 10" and 147 pounds and he did look perfect. I like thin men! But I felt I was too thin at 108. We went to a bookstore and I showed him books with photos of Marilyn Monroe and said, that is an ideal female figure. And he said, "She's a pig."

So what he wanted was a man that was built just like him.

My ex brought me a grill for my 28th birthday -_-. Well intended but um, yea. If your boyfriend said it in a respectful nice way, then just know he loves you and wants you to be healthy. If he said it in a nasty way, well still work on losing weight, starting with him.

Totally this!

It's all in the presentation and where it's coming from through him: His love and concern for you via his heart or his ego (or wherever) via hurtful words.

The thing is, you've got to want it to happen, too, or it won't. Good luck!

I guess it really depends on delivery. If he said something along the lines of "babe you're getting fat and I don't find that attractive" I'd be very hurt and upset. If he said something like "babe I've noticed that you haven't been as happy and active as usual and I'm becoming concerned" then no real reason to be upset.

What if he was really thinking the first but said the second?

I get that there's no need to go out of your to hurt someone, but burying your own feelings to avoid doing so isn't necessarily the pathway to happiness, either. Some things are going to hurt your feelings.

"I guess it really depends on delivery. If he said something along the lines of "babe you're getting fat and I don't find that attractive" I'd be very hurt and upset. If he said something like "babe I've noticed that you haven't been as happy and active as usual and I'm becoming concerned" then no real reason to be upset.

If you believe that he was just trying to be helpful and not hurtful then I'd just take it as a wake up call and move forward. If he was doing it to be hurtful then I'd speak up about it. But this is me and not you so do what you think is best for you."

Hence the second part about how do you believe he meant it. Also the part about this was me and that she should do what works for her.

Once while wearing my 'Birthday Suit' I asked my husband if it made me look big. He told me "Yep! And it needs an iron".

You can be glad yours doesn't need ironing :-)