Would you be angry and if so, What do you do..?

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2

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  • besaro
    besaro Posts: 1,858 Member
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    you could have just said, "well, i think you might be fat enough, you should check into it" you did say she was big.
  • andeey
    andeey Posts: 709 Member
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    It was an off the cuff remark about herself that certainly wasn't intended to offend you. She probably struggles (like, oh, most people) with losing weight and the concept of your surgery may seem "easier" in her mind, so she blurted something out in a wistful manner. Like, "wow, I wish I could just take a pill and lose all the weight..."

    I would recommend you let it go and move on. And just so you know, OP, you asked us all what we thought and we're telling you .. from what I've read so far, not one person said they would be angry, so that should give you pretty good anecdotal evidence that you may have taken this in the wrong way.
  • ge105
    ge105 Posts: 268 Member
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    When I was a kid my cousin and I were pretty fat. She had terrible teeth. She got braces that were so painful she didn't eat for weeks after she got them. Then she got E. coli or something like that. She lost like 30lbs in just a few weeks. I remember thinking...I wish I needed braces and couldn't eat. Or caught a bug and couldn't eat. It was a terrible thing to wish but I thought I wouldn't be able to lose it any other way. Its not that I thought it was a walk in the park to have painful braces or a horrible gut issue; I was just desperate and thought I couldn't do it on my own. I think your friend might feel similarly desperate and hopeless about HERSELF and it was not a comment on you.
  • KnM0107
    KnM0107 Posts: 355 Member
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    To me it was like she was saying how fat I was and made me feel like a huge failure.

    But she didn't say that. Your mind came up with this on it's own. Her comment was not about you.
  • chicagoliz
    chicagoliz Posts: 6
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    Okay, so I have lost 130 pounds and had some regain. I had gastric bypass surgery. I was very overweight. So last night I was talking with a friend who has weight issues and she said to me.. well I wish I was fat enough to have the surgery that you did. um excuse me.??? I was soo offended. I stopped talking to her. She is a big girl too. I don't know I just thought very RUDE.

    I don't know -- I'm sorry, but I really don't understand why you were offended. The gastric bypass surgery has parameters for qualification. You met those parameters. You were fat. You had the surgery.

    You lost 130 pounds. You're not proud of that?

    I could understand if someone thought you had the surgery but you had not. You had the surgery. What am I missing?
  • RaspberryKeytoneBoondoggle
    RaspberryKeytoneBoondoggle Posts: 1,349 Member
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    I hope that I wouldn't be angry. I know that sometimes, when I feel really comfortable with a friend, I feel like I can open my heart and be very honest about my thoughts, even ones that could be easily misconstrued. I never mean to hurt a tones feelings though.

    On the other hand, I know people who say thoughtless things often, or who deliberately make digs to be hurtful. I don't feel angry when they make personal rude comments to me. I understand that this is the way they are and am ready to hear and disregard their unkind words whenever I speak with them.
  • helenarriaza
    helenarriaza Posts: 517 Member
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    This was an episode of The Simpsons. Homer needed to lose weight but couldn't. So instead, the doctor fattened him up so he could have the surgery.

    But your friend was really saying that she doesn't have the willpower to lose weight. It was not a comment about you; it was a comment about her own weakness. There is no need for you to be angry of her admission of her own weakness.

    I agree with this. There's been many times I wish I could have my fat removed surgically. It boiled down to me being too lazy to get up and do the work myself.

    This. Ever since I was a kid I had the idea stuck in my brain that someone was going to come and "make me pretty".

    Now, not so much since I've realized that the "someone" is me.
  • cheripugh1
    cheripugh1 Posts: 357 Member
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    Okay, so I have lost 130 pounds and had some regain. I had gastric bypass surgery. I was very overweight. So last night I was talking with a friend who has weight issues and she said to me.. well I wish I was fat enough to have the surgery that you did. um excuse me.??? I was soo offended. I stopped talking to her. She is a big girl too. I don't know I just thought very RUDE.

    OK I'm in her shoes, so I do not think she meant it to be an insult to you, and remember we often feel very close to our friends and think we can speak openly and be understood by them....

    I see many who are losing lots of weight and fast via a form of GBS and I am struggling so hard and going nowhere fast... at times I wish I was overweight enough to qualify for the surgery myself.

    So here is my question: you say that you had some regain, I'm guessing you were talking to her about that?

    I think she may have actually been complimenting you, that even with a little regain she envies your loss and how great you are looking and she wishes she could do what you have done to look better too! It is super hard to be obese and on your own, with no physical help blocking some of your weakness of over filling (not that GBS is easy)
  • toadg53
    toadg53 Posts: 302 Member
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    Ah. Sounds like a friend of mine. She has no filter between her brain and her mouth. The mouth engages with whatever enters the brain. In my group of friends, we take whatever she says with a grain of salt. We all have our faults, this is just one of hers, and we move on.

    It reminds me of what my mom once said .... she wished she was diabetic so she could get the good shoes paid for, so she wouldn't have to pay for them herself. GAH!!! REALLY MOTHER??? Sometimes all you can do is shake your head at what people say.

    I would say, shake it off and chalk it up to their ignorance. You can't control what other people say and do. Just be glad your own brain functions normally and your brain/mouth filter works.
  • kcmcd
    kcmcd Posts: 239 Member
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    It's a weird thing to say, but not uncommon.

    I have a friend who had bypass surgery this year. She's lost a significant amount of weight, but she has worked very hard for every pound. It hasn't just melted off, like people seem to believe it does after bypass surgery. The implication is that it's easy, and it's just not.

    But if you feel it was rude for her to comment on you being bigger in the past than she is now... I mean... That's just a fact, isn't it? It doesn't make you more/less valuable, or more/less important, or more/less anything... It's a thing that is. Like the color of your eyes and the size of your feet. The only value it has is the value you give it. The end.
  • itsbasschick
    itsbasschick Posts: 1,584 Member
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    To me it was like she was saying how fat I was and made me feel like a huge failure.

    She wasn't saying that... She didn't say you were really fat.... She was talking about herself.

    that's how it sounded to me, too.
  • trisH_7183
    trisH_7183 Posts: 1,486 Member
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    You can't let other peoples remarks chew away at you.No one knows what you went thru before surgery,or how hard it can be not to keep gaining after surgery. A simple "thanks,it hasn't been easy"......would work.
  • Lord007
    Lord007 Posts: 338 Member
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    your "friend" is misguided and has the wrong attitude. She may as well be Homer Simpson intentionally gaining weight to be on disability.
    Stay the course you're on. There will always be people that will intentionally or unintentionally try to tear you down from your goal because they haven't found it in themselves to do what you are.
  • EleMeleUkulele
    EleMeleUkulele Posts: 59 Member
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    I concur with the people who say it was a comment about herself, not you. Many believe that with the GBS the weight just comes off and it's extremely easy, while the reality is different (I've never had one, so I can't speak from experience, but my friend's boyfriend did). I think she was saying "I'm not feeling strong-willed enough to lose weight on my own, I wish for an external resolution for my problem".

    She might be jealous of the weight you've lost, but remember, she can mostly see the results, and not the whole picture. I've had my friends say mean things to me too, and I've said some bad things to them, but our friendship lasted, because we were too important to each other. I guess you have to ask yourself, is your friend important enough for you to forgive her? You can always tell her how hurt you were by that comment, but only you can decide if it's worth the effort.
  • QuietBloom
    QuietBloom Posts: 5,413 Member
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    People saying silly things can only be made worse by that internal voice that interprets everything as a personal attack. You have control over one of those.

    ^This. What I was rambling on about. lol
  • closertogoal
    closertogoal Posts: 10 Member
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    I appreciate all the feedback. It helps a lot. I am just going to let it go and move on.
  • Red_sparkling_Titania
    Red_sparkling_Titania Posts: 485
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    I wouldn't be angry. Everyone has different ideas, values and expectations about what they think they, and others should do in a particular set of circumstances and what is expected of friends and how friends talk to each other.
    I think it's sad that you haven't spoken to her about how you feel. Speak to her.
  • lisalsd1
    lisalsd1 Posts: 1,520 Member
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    I'd probably be annoyed with the comment, not necessarily angry though.

    It does sound more like she was talking abut herself...and not necessarily calling you out for being fat (or more fat than her).
  • kristarablue2
    kristarablue2 Posts: 386 Member
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    To me it was like she was saying how fat I was and made me feel like a huge failure.

    She wasn't saying that... She didn't say you were really fat.... She was talking about herself.

    I agree actually, she was talking about herself and the fact is, is you were big enough to qualify for the surgery, so what your not there now, I would have qualified as well. But you know what, neither of us are there anymore and surgery or not you worked hard to lose weight and that is awesome. The comment was only about you if you make it about you. I would not have been angry because she wasn't being mean.

    AND...YOU are not a failure if you are because you were heavier than you wanted to be than everyone on here that has lost a lot of weight would be too...really I see a success story and you have done incredibly well...take pride when someone talks about how far you have come because ultimately that is what she was doing.

    What do you do? Maybe educate her on how she can lose weight and that surgery is not magic you still have to do the work. Tell her she can do it too if she decides she wants to make different choices.

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