Toxic Friend

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lewispwest
lewispwest Posts: 498 Member
in Chit-Chat
My best friend is heavily depressed and has been for years but absolutely refuses to do anything about it as "he doesn't like doctors". This even extends to not going to get a toe infection sorted because he'd have to talk to a doctor about it and he's probably the most stubborn person you'd ever meet.

The problem is he's been my best friend my entire life and I've always been supportive of him but after a visit this afternoon on the way home from the gym, his negativity was just suffocating me. Everything I said was met with a negative response and he snapped at me when I made a quip about something he said.

Now the issue is, I'm trying to stay in a positive frame of mind in order to keep my diet going but being around him is almost poisonous lately and I can't be dealing with it. I can't stop talking to him because he's my best mate but I think I'll hinder my own progress listening to him.

I want to be supportive for him but he won't help himself and is extraordinarily pessimistic about everything. What do you think? Should I give him a few weeks space and try talking again or just pretend like everything's fine and get on with it?
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  • wolverine66
    wolverine66 Posts: 3,779 Member
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    this is tough. you don't want to abandon him, but at the same time, you are having a hard time absorbing all that he is dishing out. what makes it harder is his refusal to do anything. i think i would take some space from him for your own sake. maybe he can explore options that don't involve physicians, like counseling or group therapy stuff? I don't know. But he has to take those steps, because if he doesn't, eventually he will push you away.
  • chivalryder
    chivalryder Posts: 4,391 Member
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    Been there myself.

    Just break up.
  • VTRutz
    VTRutz Posts: 52 Member
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    Tell him like it is. Tell him exactly that, that you care about him and want the best for him and you are CONCERNED for him.... and your friendship. Good Luck!
  • lewispwest
    lewispwest Posts: 498 Member
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    this is tough. you don't want to abandon him, but at the same time, you are having a hard time absorbing all that he is dishing out. what makes it harder is his refusal to do anything. i think i would take some space from him for your own sake. maybe he can explore options that don't involve physicians, like counseling or group therapy stuff? I don't know. But he has to take those steps, because if he doesn't, eventually he will push you away.

    That would be logical but I think he's so far gone now that he thinks he knows whats best for himself when it's obviously not the case :-/

    I think it's already started to happen with the pushing away. He gave up completely on one of our oldest friends because he stopped coming out on friday nights because he finished work late on those days so I'm pretty sure he'd drop anyone for a daft reason.

    I think space apart would be beneficial, I'm unlikely to hear from him as he never texts anyone even when he's in an okay mood and he's too stubborn to make a first move in starting dialogue.
  • lewispwest
    lewispwest Posts: 498 Member
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    Tell him like it is. Tell him exactly that, that you care about him and want the best for him and you are CONCERNED for him.... and your friendship. Good Luck!

    I tried that on the way out of his house yesterday but he just said "whatever" and closed the door.

    It's hard but if he's not willing to help himself then I'm not going to ruin my progress right when I've started getting my life in order properly for the sake of his stubbornness :-/

    Thanks for the advice anyways :)
  • lewispwest
    lewispwest Posts: 498 Member
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    Been there myself.

    Just break up.

    I think that's probably the most likely outcome of all of this, just a shame that he let himself fall so far when he had the potential to be quite a successful person.
  • KarenJanine
    KarenJanine Posts: 3,497 Member
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    Been there myself.

    Just break up.

    I think that's probably the most likely outcome of all of this, just a shame that he let himself fall so far when he had the potential to be quite a successful person.

    It's sad but sometimes friendships run their course and for the time being you may be best out of it. You never know - he may get himself back on track in the future, but for now I'd be inclined to give it some space.
  • lewispwest
    lewispwest Posts: 498 Member
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    Been there myself.

    Just break up.

    I think that's probably the most likely outcome of all of this, just a shame that he let himself fall so far when he had the potential to be quite a successful person.

    It's sad but sometimes friendships run their course and for the time being you may be best out of it. You never know - he may get himself back on track in the future, but for now I'd be inclined to give it some space.

    Yeah you're probably right. It's a shame because a good friend I made through him will probably be lost in this as well but I can't let my own mindset be ruined by someone else's self inflicted downfall :(

    Hopefully you're right and he does get himself back together.
  • Ryan_Case
    Ryan_Case Posts: 29 Member
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    You have been given a lot of good advice already. The only thing I could possibly add is to change your relationship with him. That is, make the times that you are available to him things like, going for a walk, or coming to the gym with you. Exercise can be amazing at treating depression. It is also, as I am sure you know, a little addictive. If you are not ready to completely cut ties with him, try remolding the time you spend with him. It could help. If it doesn't, and you have to come to the decision to cut ties, at least you will know you have tried everything.

    My $.02 anyway.
  • SyntonicGarden
    SyntonicGarden Posts: 944 Member
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    The thing is, if he truly is depressed, he might be in such a sour place, that he either doesn't see it or doesn't see things getting any better. If there's a history of depression in his family, it might be so commonplace that anything else (like being happy) is just too foreign.

    In your situation, it sounds like you can either hold on to the fringes of the friendship or "cut bait," as we say in the US. If there's a way to still be friends and not sever the friendship (or give him the option to sever it), great. Maybe just being around someone who's focused and more positive might help. If you can get him to join you on your journey, without overwhelming him, that might help too.

    I hope that your friend gets help, but the reality of it is that he won't do it until he's ready to not feel crappy.
  • Kotuliak
    Kotuliak Posts: 259 Member
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    I want to be supportive for him but he won't help himself and is extraordinarily pessimistic about everything. What do you think? Should I give him a few weeks space and try talking again or just pretend like everything's fine and get on with it?
    Based on everything you said, I'd say take a break, to give yourself some space. After that, try to carry your own weather and not let him affect you. Kind of like a doctor helping a patient. Easier said than done, I know, but not impossible.

    Also, take control of the relationship, e.g. the setting. For example, don't meet him for drinks, but go for a walk instead. Changing the setting can do wonders for changing the dynamic of the relationship.
  • lewispwest
    lewispwest Posts: 498 Member
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    If there's a way to still be friends and not sever the friendship (or give him the option to sever it), great.

    This would be a perfect solution but he never contacts anyone, it's always left up to the other person to start off any conversations with him. If I don't text him first (and don't meet up) I could probably go the rest of my life without hearing from him again so I doubt that'd work :/

    That is, make the times that you are available to him things like, going for a walk, or coming to the gym with you. Exercise can be amazing at treating depression.

    I almost convinced him to join my gym but he backed out of the idea after his toe went all manky and like I said in my OP he refuses to sort it out because he'd have to talk to a doctor about it :/
  • lewispwest
    lewispwest Posts: 498 Member
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    I want to be supportive for him but he won't help himself and is extraordinarily pessimistic about everything. What do you think? Should I give him a few weeks space and try talking again or just pretend like everything's fine and get on with it?
    Based on everything you said, I'd say take a break, to give yourself some space. After that, try to carry your own weather and not let him affect you. Kind of like a doctor helping a patient. Easier said than done, I know, but not impossible.

    Also, take control of the relationship, e.g. the setting. For example, don't meet him for drinks, but go for a walk instead. Changing the setting can do wonders for changing the dynamic of the relationship.

    I think that's the best plan of action. I myself am taking anti-depressants (albeit probably quite a low dose) but my moods are very easily affected by others, especially him. If I hadn't gone and spoken to one of my other mates straight after I'm sure I would've dwelled on it all night and it would've put my in a right mood.

    I'd like to change the nature of the relationship but he works weekends and I work weekdays so thats out and he's pretty much a shut in except for friday night for drinks :/

    I appreciate the advice and I will take the advice of what people here have said and will leave him be for a while, with a view that if it's too damaging a relationship to have then I will take action.

    Thanks all :)
  • LTGPSA
    LTGPSA Posts: 633 Member
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    Best friends don't treat each other the way he is treating you. You've known him a long time and he's always been this way with no desire to try and change - then it's time to move on. You can't fix him; he has to want to fix himself.
  • workout_ninja
    workout_ninja Posts: 524 Member
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    If there's a way to still be friends and not sever the friendship (or give him the option to sever it), great.

    This would be a perfect solution but he never contacts anyone, it's always left up to the other person to start off any conversations with him. If I don't text him first (and don't meet up) I could probably go the rest of my life without hearing from him again so I doubt that'd work :/

    It sounds like you care alot more about the friendship than he does if thats how he acts towards you. First and foremost you have to look after yourself, if he is bringing you down, that is not good for you. Do yourself a favour and just not contact him for a while. If he cares at all about you, he will ask why and you can decide if he is worth keeping as a friend then
  • Jessie24330
    Jessie24330 Posts: 224 Member
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    Everyone goes through times of needing to lean on others but when it is all the time it is a different story. You need to put your health first (emotional and physical) because you can't help anyone else if you are not well yourself. I suffer from a lot of mental health issues and there have been people who I considered friends that I had to cut out of my life because our relationships were all me giving and them taking. They were going from one crisis to another and expecting me to sort it out for them. Only coming to me when they wanted/needed something. If you have a relationship with someone who is constantly draining you emotionally or dragging you down, you really need to rethink if it is worth it. I understand that everyone goes through bad times but when them bad times are years on end and they don't do anything to make it better and always give excuses as to why they can't do something you suggest that will make things better than it is really time to put yourself first. Tell him how much he means to you, because it seems like he must mean a lot, and tell him you will always be there when he is ready to change but for now you need to focus on you and your well being because he has proven that he doesn't want to get better yet.
  • lewispwest
    lewispwest Posts: 498 Member
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    Best friends don't treat each other the way he is treating you. You've known him a long time and he's always been this way with no desire to try and change - then it's time to move on. You can't fix him; he has to want to fix himself.

    You're right, I guess it was just hard to accept it. Thank you.
  • lewispwest
    lewispwest Posts: 498 Member
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    If there's a way to still be friends and not sever the friendship (or give him the option to sever it), great.

    This would be a perfect solution but he never contacts anyone, it's always left up to the other person to start off any conversations with him. If I don't text him first (and don't meet up) I could probably go the rest of my life without hearing from him again so I doubt that'd work :/

    It sounds like you care alot more about the friendship than he does if thats how he acts towards you. First and foremost you have to look after yourself, if he is bringing you down, that is not good for you. Do yourself a favour and just not contact him for a while. If he cares at all about you, he will ask why and you can decide if he is worth keeping as a friend then

    Yeah I agree, I've always tried hard with trying to be a good friend and it very rarely gets reciprocated so I feel like a mug quite a lot for it.
  • dropdeadgreggie_
    dropdeadgreggie_ Posts: 166 Member
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    Been there, done that.

    I distance myself from negative people. I don't have time for that.
  • ttilmon
    ttilmon Posts: 2 Member
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    You may need to understand that sometimes people come into our lives for a short time. They bring us friendship, joy, perspective, and then they move on. I think his time has come and gone in your life. Move on to the next "best friend" that is going to bring you what you need and welcome your kindness and friendship.

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