Stubborn wife, advice please?

Options
123578

Replies

  • reneeot
    reneeot Posts: 773 Member
    Options
    When we have our "life changing moments". They are just "our life changing moments". Others do not always see what we see and it can be difficult to sit back and not want to get them to see the same thing.

    The best way to help a wife and daughter is to not focus on the negative or what you consider the bad choices. Stop self from saying things that seem critical, judging or advising.

    EXPRESS APPROVAL not disapproval. If your wife is wearing a flattering top, looks good in a pair of jeans, "tell her so". same for your daughter. The better they feels about themselves the more they will love themselves to make changes. Don't tell your wife to change, let her do that for herself. Once she changes your daughter will reap the benefits. AND Express your approval of other choices they make in life that are good. Change your focus, this will make you an even more excellent "daddy". You are a great dad by just setting the example, a good leader or head of household doesn't dictate, he listens before taking action. And you know what! Join in with them once in awhile with some burger and fries, show them you can be balanced.

    Continue to make good choices, yet let them choose for themselves what they want and just enjoy being with your family. Hug and kiss them affectionately. Don't talk about food, diet and exercise. It starts to fall on deaf ears.

    Kuddos to you and hope this is useful. I appreciate men who ask for input!
  • kenyainez
    kenyainez Posts: 222 Member
    Options
    You just made the change (a year ago) after how many decades? Suddenly you expect your wife to follow you on your new life path? On the topic of your daughter, you and your wife need to get on the same page or this is going to be pretty unhealthy (and I'm not talking about food) for your impressionable little one.

    I read through waiting for someone to say this. I know it probably hurts you to see them eating things that you find less healthy, and that's a good emotion for a husband/father to feel. BUT... imagine if 6 months before you decided to make that life change, someone you loved had continually pushed their lifestyle on you. And not only pushed it on you, but berated you while pushing .. You obviously were not ready 6 months before your decision or you would have started then?... And had someone done it to you, you'd have become defensive and felt guilty and all the other feelings that go along with being overweight, just as she is doing now. And you being her husband makes it 1000 times worse. It's not wrong to want your wife and child to be healthy and feel better. It shows you care. But take it from someone who, "in your nonmedical opinion", is super massively overweight, even if she's not saying it, you are tearing down her self esteem like nobody else can. You're her husband, the person who is supposed to love her through everything and think she's beautiful and perfect even on her worst day. Build her up, tell her how beautiful she is, ask her nicely to join in on your activities... if she says no, be fine with it... be supportive... and maybe one day she will... but don't belittle her... you're only pushing her away from a healthier lifestyle... and inevitably, away from you. Good luck, I know it's a hard situation.

    #real!
  • Veil5577
    Veil5577 Posts: 868 Member
    Options
    My ex husband was getting really into healthy eating and exercise. I was not, partly because of physical problems that made exercise hard.

    All I know is that I resented his telling me what to eat and how much to eat. It made me feel like he was a parent, not a husband. I'm sure he had my best interests at heart, but this decision had to be mine, not his. He made me feel ugly, particularly when he told me I was unattractive because I was heavy.

    We are now divorced and this is partly the reason why.
  • thatonegirlwiththestuff
    thatonegirlwiththestuff Posts: 1,171 Member
    Options
    Don't go out to eat as often. Eliminates the issue right there of ordering sh%t food. I would really back off your wife's eating habits. That will do nothing but create animosity and resentment on her end. Your daughter has a fast metabolism at three, and likely won't see the effects of a poor diet at this age, but still, needs to taught good eating habits starting now. If your wife does the shopping, maybe try to take that over. If she likes pizza, have a pizza night. If you try to limit or take something away, especially by belittling her for it, you are only asking for trouble.
  • cloud2011
    cloud2011 Posts: 898 Member
    Options
    You can't change your wife, however, you may be able to get her to agree to make healthier choices for your child. Rather than looking at the situation as what you would take away, why not consider adding -- more fruits and vegetables. Bring your daughter to the store and have her choose the best looking fruits. This is a great time of year to do that. Or go to a farmer's market.

    It could even be fun, depending on how old your child is (sorry if I missed that). And, you can influence your daughter be making sure she moves and stays active, whether it's organized classes/sports, or just fun time with you, running races in the backyard, or swimming, or whatever. You have a lot of influence, and I would say, just engage your daughter so she wants to be healthy.

    Finally, and this is hard: accept that your wife may never get on board. It's hard, but it could be true. My husband hasn't changed his habits and tries to sabotage me even though he thinks he's being nice by buying ice cream and donuts. Very frustrating.
  • ribqah
    ribqah Posts: 21 Member
    Options
    Thank you all for the advice and butt-kicking. I was in a rotten mood when I posted it, so I apologize if I came off sounding like an unkind person toward my wife. I will take all of your helpful advice and try to work constructively with my wife to create a healthy eating environment for my daughter, when we eat at home and at restaurants. This morning we discussed how most kid's menus are filled with not-so-great options, and perhaps we should just share our food with her. I will note that my wife is an excellent cook, and goes out of her way to make healthy meals at home. It's just when we eat out that I see problems. I will also try to encourage the whole family to be more active, as long as we can keep it fun. More dancing, less sitting around, etc. If I have serious concerns about my daughter's health I will talk to her pediatrician. Thanks again.

    So in fact, your "stubborn wife" is an excellent cook and goes out of her way to make healthy meals at home...and just splurges when she goes out? Um, yeah. "Heil, OP."

    You've gotten some good advice here (except for the guy who told you to ask one of her friends about her eating habits -- definitely DON'T do that). But let me add something that, if followed, might make your life a little more pleasant.

    Your "rotten mood" isn't an excuse for badmouthing your wife on a public forum to a bunch of strangers...or to friends...or to her face. Spouses are supposed to love and defend one another, and instead, you initially made her sound like an awful glutton who is pouring fast food down your 3-year-old's throat at regular intervals.

    Maybe that was to make your rant feel more justified...I dunno. But instead of pouring on the criticism, maybe try pouring on the love. People who feel good about themselves tend to value and take better care of themselves. If she is making a real effort to cook healthy meals at home, and your comments, rather than validating and appreciating those efforts, make her feel that she can't do enough to make you happy, she's going to resent you and dig in her heels.

    Sure, whisk the family away for more active adventures...as a treat because you think they deserve the fun. Whisk your wife to the bedroom for plenty of...ahem...active time...and make it a vigorous enough that she feels physically challenged, enthusiastic, and ready for more...exercise.

    But don't be a nag. Women don't appreciate that any more than men do.
  • jackpotclown
    jackpotclown Posts: 3,291 Member
    Options
    Yeah, tell your wife she's fat. That'll go well. LOL
    This \m/
  • Shalaurise
    Shalaurise Posts: 707 Member
    Options
    There is nothing you can do about your wife's eating. Trying to change her will just cause problems. Your concerns for your child are valid and you should take the effort to make sure she eats better. Make sure there are healthy snacks in the house. Plan healthy meals. If you are out, try to pick a restaurant that you know has healthy options for your daughter. Perhaps you could start taking a walk with your daughter? I took mine on a 3 mile walk yesterday with me. She is nearly 6, but it is good to make exercise a good memory.
  • Mikkimeow
    Mikkimeow Posts: 1,282 Member
    Options
    Just break up.
  • nilla128
    nilla128 Posts: 30 Member
    Options
    Compromise with your wife. On your child's plate put some of what you eat and some of what she eats. Perhaps when your wife sees your little one enjoying good food she will be encouraged to take a step on the healthy road too. It sounds like your wife know s that she's eating crap but can't stand the fact that you are right and pointing it out to her so that makes her rebel against you. Good luck! :smile:
  • BBBBB99999
    BBBBB99999 Posts: 13
    Options
    You may want to consider bringing other people in on this matter as well, specifically a dietitian or form of counseling, as well as ignoring Tumblr-tier users who are desperate to put the word "shaming" and "nazi" after any word possible to describe uncomfortable truths that upset them. Blurring the line between "refusing to enable" and "being emotionally abusive" is a thing right now.


    What's honestly most important is to appeal to your daughter. She needs to understand that not everybody is out for what's best for her, either out of ignorance or legitimately just putting earning money before health. Understanding that food can go hand-in-hand with vice will help her become more informed so that she can personally request the healthier options herself at restaurants, and ask for foods that are good for her rather than just accepting what mom is picking.
  • CJisinShape
    CJisinShape Posts: 1,407 Member
    Options
    Since the community knows very little about the actual details of your situation that would matter (wife and daughter's age, weight, daily routine's, medical history, family dynamics, etc.), there's not much anyone can do but give basic advice such as the ones found here. With that said, I do sense a tone that might make an overweight partner resist your "help." Without knowing what the two of you were like before you had a child, I'm guessing when both of you were overweight your wife didn't feel judged or looked down upon (where being overweight for a woman that is an ever-present issue). Now that you've lost all your weight you might have joined all the other judges out there. She might be resisting you and taking her daughter with her where "people love and accept you no matter what you look like." It is a sensitive issue. Right now any advice coming for you might seem like a veiled or not so veiled judgment. Maybe you do need to ask yourself some pointed questions about your family now that you've lost the weight. Of course you want them to be healthy but that's NOT necessarily saying what you want is to live a more active lifestyle with your life partner and child. Your tone either tells your wife that you envision bike rides, canoeing and camping in Yellowstone, or it tells her "I'm a little ashamed to be seen with you." The former might encourage her, the latter? No good. See how you feel and try to think of whether you are sending the wrong message about your wishes for your family. Know what motivated me to get back on the wagon? My little sister said, one afternoon, let's rent a couple bikes and go for a ride (not for any other reason but that it would be fun). One afternoon of fun gave me the bug and the rest just fell into place.

    :flowerforyou:
  • Shropshire1959
    Shropshire1959 Posts: 982 Member
    Options
    start by ignoring all of the **** heads that call your a food Nazi -
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    Options
    Good luck on your journey :flowerforyou:
  • dawnp1833
    dawnp1833 Posts: 264 Member
    Options
    Maybe your wife is really confident in herself and your love for her and this doesn't apply. But I can tell you - if my husband said he thought I should eat healthier, I'd just hear "now that I'm fit, you are no longer attractive to me or worthy of my love."

    Yes, you should set good examples for your child and encourage her to eat healthy foods. But can you take a more gentle approach? Yes, pick healthier restaurants if you have to eat out, plan delicious meals at home that also happen to be healthy. Suggest fun activities you'll all enjoy that also are good exercise. But please do it in a positive, loving way.
  • Faye_Anderson
    Faye_Anderson Posts: 1,495 Member
    Options
    I have completely changed my eating habits.... have lost about 68 pounds... feeds our three year old daughter garbage... daughter are overweight and putting themselves at risk for a variety of health problems...


    You have been a member since 2010 and had been losing weight before your daughter was even born. I can't believe anyone would sit back and let their child learn unhealthy eating habits when they have MFP as a tool for themselves and have already dealt with their own weight issues, and to then place the blame solely on their partner is disgusting.
  • AsaThorsWoman
    AsaThorsWoman Posts: 2,303 Member
    Options
    Has anyone offered JBU as a solution yet?

    Just buck up?

    Justify, Barter, Understand.

    It's a three-step program for solutions to marital problems.

    First step is to justify your behavior. You should do this with your spouse, but it's recommended that you test your justification on total internet strangers first.

    Second step is to barter. Offer to trade her/him something she/he wants in return for the behavior you want them to change.

    Third step is to understand.. To be understood, you must first understand. So do that first. Well, I mean, third. You know what I mean.

    Anyhow, JBU.

    This is the best post I've read all day.

    :laugh:
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,022 Member
    Options
    For your daughter's sake, you've got an argument.

    Your wife is a grown woman. You can be assertive about things like family finances, but you do not get to tell her what to eat. My suggestion would be to approach it as wanting her to set a good example for your daughter. That is pretty much the only safe way to go.
  • liekewheeless
    liekewheeless Posts: 416 Member
    Options
    Don't approach this as a you vs me problem. Make it a WE problem.

    Talk to your wife about making better choices for your daughter together, like: Honey, I think WE could be making healthier choices for OUR daughter. Start by having healthy options in the house. If she cooks, see if you can do some if not all of it, but don't throw her out of the kitchen.

    Make agreements about her (the daughter) liquids like no soda or no soda except on the weekends or no undiluted juice.

    Eat at home, get involved in the grocery shopping. Make eating out special. And as with everything it doesn't all have to be perfect. So eating out ones a month or even ones a week, let her have her chicken nuggets, just don't do it every day.


    If your wife gives your daughter something unhealthy, don't jump on her. Just make sure you give her healthy things and there are healthy things available. If the unhealthy things pile up, it's time for another conversation to realign your goals.

    Stay out of your wife's food choices for her self. If healthy meals are available, and she doesn't have to cook them, maybe she'll end up eating them. You can't make her.

    Make sure your daughter has activities that get her moving. Play outside with her, take her for walks etc. Your wife is welcome to go with you but this can be father daughter time if she doesn't want to.

    If this is important to you, you will have to make it happen.

Categories