Stubborn wife, advice please?
Replies
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Compromise with your wife. On your child's plate put some of what you eat and some of what she eats. Perhaps when your wife sees your little one enjoying good food she will be encouraged to take a step on the healthy road too. It sounds like your wife know s that she's eating crap but can't stand the fact that you are right and pointing it out to her so that makes her rebel against you. Good luck!
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You may want to consider bringing other people in on this matter as well, specifically a dietitian or form of counseling, as well as ignoring Tumblr-tier users who are desperate to put the word "shaming" and "nazi" after any word possible to describe uncomfortable truths that upset them. Blurring the line between "refusing to enable" and "being emotionally abusive" is a thing right now.
What's honestly most important is to appeal to your daughter. She needs to understand that not everybody is out for what's best for her, either out of ignorance or legitimately just putting earning money before health. Understanding that food can go hand-in-hand with vice will help her become more informed so that she can personally request the healthier options herself at restaurants, and ask for foods that are good for her rather than just accepting what mom is picking.0 -
Since the community knows very little about the actual details of your situation that would matter (wife and daughter's age, weight, daily routine's, medical history, family dynamics, etc.), there's not much anyone can do but give basic advice such as the ones found here. With that said, I do sense a tone that might make an overweight partner resist your "help." Without knowing what the two of you were like before you had a child, I'm guessing when both of you were overweight your wife didn't feel judged or looked down upon (where being overweight for a woman that is an ever-present issue). Now that you've lost all your weight you might have joined all the other judges out there. She might be resisting you and taking her daughter with her where "people love and accept you no matter what you look like." It is a sensitive issue. Right now any advice coming for you might seem like a veiled or not so veiled judgment. Maybe you do need to ask yourself some pointed questions about your family now that you've lost the weight. Of course you want them to be healthy but that's NOT necessarily saying what you want is to live a more active lifestyle with your life partner and child. Your tone either tells your wife that you envision bike rides, canoeing and camping in Yellowstone, or it tells her "I'm a little ashamed to be seen with you." The former might encourage her, the latter? No good. See how you feel and try to think of whether you are sending the wrong message about your wishes for your family. Know what motivated me to get back on the wagon? My little sister said, one afternoon, let's rent a couple bikes and go for a ride (not for any other reason but that it would be fun). One afternoon of fun gave me the bug and the rest just fell into place.
:flowerforyou:0 -
start by ignoring all of the **** heads that call your a food Nazi -0
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Good luck on your journey :flowerforyou:0
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Maybe your wife is really confident in herself and your love for her and this doesn't apply. But I can tell you - if my husband said he thought I should eat healthier, I'd just hear "now that I'm fit, you are no longer attractive to me or worthy of my love."
Yes, you should set good examples for your child and encourage her to eat healthy foods. But can you take a more gentle approach? Yes, pick healthier restaurants if you have to eat out, plan delicious meals at home that also happen to be healthy. Suggest fun activities you'll all enjoy that also are good exercise. But please do it in a positive, loving way.0 -
I have completely changed my eating habits.... have lost about 68 pounds... feeds our three year old daughter garbage... daughter are overweight and putting themselves at risk for a variety of health problems...
You have been a member since 2010 and had been losing weight before your daughter was even born. I can't believe anyone would sit back and let their child learn unhealthy eating habits when they have MFP as a tool for themselves and have already dealt with their own weight issues, and to then place the blame solely on their partner is disgusting.0 -
Has anyone offered JBU as a solution yet?
Just buck up?
Justify, Barter, Understand.
It's a three-step program for solutions to marital problems.
First step is to justify your behavior. You should do this with your spouse, but it's recommended that you test your justification on total internet strangers first.
Second step is to barter. Offer to trade her/him something she/he wants in return for the behavior you want them to change.
Third step is to understand.. To be understood, you must first understand. So do that first. Well, I mean, third. You know what I mean.
Anyhow, JBU.
This is the best post I've read all day.
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For your daughter's sake, you've got an argument.
Your wife is a grown woman. You can be assertive about things like family finances, but you do not get to tell her what to eat. My suggestion would be to approach it as wanting her to set a good example for your daughter. That is pretty much the only safe way to go.0 -
Don't approach this as a you vs me problem. Make it a WE problem.
Talk to your wife about making better choices for your daughter together, like: Honey, I think WE could be making healthier choices for OUR daughter. Start by having healthy options in the house. If she cooks, see if you can do some if not all of it, but don't throw her out of the kitchen.
Make agreements about her (the daughter) liquids like no soda or no soda except on the weekends or no undiluted juice.
Eat at home, get involved in the grocery shopping. Make eating out special. And as with everything it doesn't all have to be perfect. So eating out ones a month or even ones a week, let her have her chicken nuggets, just don't do it every day.
If your wife gives your daughter something unhealthy, don't jump on her. Just make sure you give her healthy things and there are healthy things available. If the unhealthy things pile up, it's time for another conversation to realign your goals.
Stay out of your wife's food choices for her self. If healthy meals are available, and she doesn't have to cook them, maybe she'll end up eating them. You can't make her.
Make sure your daughter has activities that get her moving. Play outside with her, take her for walks etc. Your wife is welcome to go with you but this can be father daughter time if she doesn't want to.
If this is important to you, you will have to make it happen.0 -
Instead of telling her to eat more healthy, what if you sat down and added up how much it costs vs cooking meals at home. Then suggest to your wife maybe you try eating at home for a month and make the menu foods she and your child like but in a healthier way. Tell her with the money you save you'd like to take her out to a really fancy dinner or even a small weekend vacation.
I found (and Im still not doing awsome) but that it's easier for me to watch my portions vs cutting out the food I like completely.0 -
I have completely changed my eating habits.... have lost about 68 pounds... feeds our three year old daughter garbage... daughter are overweight and putting themselves at risk for a variety of health problems...
You have been a member since 2010 and had been losing weight before your daughter was even born. I can't believe anyone would sit back and let their child learn unhealthy eating habits when they have MFP as a tool for themselves and have already dealt with their own weight issues, and to then place the blame solely on their partner is disgusting.
^^ This0 -
You are having small war on your hands, but war isn't fighting just to be fighting. It's to show your opponent why they are wrong to oppose you in first place.
Like others say, since daughter is shared, it must be shared decision. But do not fold in face of adversity! Your wife appears to know how to push your buttons and take you off objective and manipulate you to another subject. Stay focused on your goal and in your position of strength, which is health (you) over convenience (her). You have right on your side, go now, win for your daughter.0 -
Honestly, I haven't read a single reply to the OP. This is what you do...
1. Reach down and grab these ^^^
2. Stop caring about what shoves in her hole. She’s a grown woman and will do what the eff she wants to.
3. Look your wife in the face and tell her "No" when she feeds your kid crap. You’re a parent too.
4. Be reasonable when feeding your daughter, chicken nuggets or corn dogs every so often isn't the worst thing in the world. If you're feeding your kid flavorless, unappealing "healthy" food all the time, you probably are a food Nazi.
5. let loose the above picture, because you'll just look weird walking around like that all the time and someone might call the cops.0 -
Do this to her....
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if you are trying to push them, you are a food nazi
health effort should be an individual choice
If you keep pointing at them, you are probably pissing them off
The wife, yeah. The kid, no. He has a responsibility to his child to ensure she has a healthy diet.
No way would I sit back and let my husband give me kids constant junk that is making them overweight!!
You wife is out of order for allowing the child to eat rubbish under the excuse of being a 'food nazi'.
This! Honestly, there was a comment in this thread that irritated the crap out of me because it almost seemed as though since you "are the daddy" you have less control while Mom holds all the cards. Someone's personal issues peeking through their advice. You definitely have just as much say in feeding your child as your wife does. You are right to be concerned if you feel that your daughter is learning unhealthy eating habits. Your wife's eating habits (unless she is obese) isn't your concern, but your daughter's eating habits most certainly are.0 -
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Dump her.0
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Mmmm...smells delightful :laugh:0 -
I don't have a kid in the mix, but I encountered the same problem. At first, I'd nag the hell out of him to stop drinking soda, eating fast food, and sitting on his *kitten*. He knew what he was doing was harmful to his health, but...we all know it's really hard to change your lifestyle. Luckily, he loves to cook, so I started incorporating more healthy dinners into our menu and I started by making little changes (wheat pasta, turkey, sneaking veggies into every meal). Over the last three years, he's slowly come around. He went for a while without soda and processed foods and he notices the difference in his body when he goes awry. I would recommend baby steps, when she starts to notice the changes in her body and how much better she feels, she's slowly change on her own. I'm still working on getting him off the couch, but I have him going to yoga once a week...better than nothing!0
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and this is how the internet was won.0 -
Mmmm...smells delightful :laugh:
Well hey there darling. I'd tell you my name, but you won't remember anyway.0 -
You have no right to push your wife to eat healthier but you have every right and responsibility to see that your daughter eats healthier. What she eats now will form her food opinion in later years.
You might try taking the initiative at nights you eat at home and cook dinner for the family. Instead of pushing it as healthier just serve it as something 'new' to try. Good luck!
I guess if the wife gets a heart attack or stroke, the husband would be in his right to leave her to fend for herself. After this is on her right.0 -
Thank you all for the advice and butt-kicking. I was in a rotten mood when I posted it, so I apologize if I came off sounding like an unkind person toward my wife. I will take all of your helpful advice and try to work constructively with my wife to create a healthy eating environment for my daughter, when we eat at home and at restaurants. This morning we discussed how most kid's menus are filled with not-so-great options, and perhaps we should just share our food with her. I will note that my wife is an excellent cook, and goes out of her way to make healthy meals at home. It's just when we eat out that I see problems. I will also try to encourage the whole family to be more active, as long as we can keep it fun. More dancing, less sitting around, etc. If I have serious concerns about my daughter's health I will talk to her pediatrician. Thanks again.
Backpedaling is much more admirable than the usual MFP rant/ragequit.
OP, this is a terribly sticky situation.
Your child: Certainly needs guidance in food choices as she is not old enough to know better.
Your wife: In my own experience, any advice whether solicited or not is generally not met with kindness (understatement)
Do what you can for yourself, try to do what you can to slowly alter your child's intake (and maybe up the play time), and maybe your wife will one day decide to join (free will).0 -
I would say to let your wife eat whatever she wants to eat and worry about yourself and your daughter. You have to put your foot down on her feeding junk food to your child, especially since you say that it is having a negative impact already. Maybe try talking to the pediatrician about it while your wife is there any maybe they can convince her to pick healthier choices for your daughter even if she does not eat well herself. Be prepared to step up and take over the grocery shopping and all the cooking though. My son is three as well and I know that if I were in your shoes, this is what I would do.
Side note:
My son sometimes specifically asks for things like pizza, mac & cheese, and corndogs for dinner sometimes. Every once in a while we will indulge him, but on nights that we do not, he has to eat whatever I have prepared (if I know it's something that he actually will eat and likes) or he doesn't eat. I do not go out of my way to make a separate meal just for him just because he wants to eat junk food. If he asks for something healthy and it is within reason, I will let him have it. You may find you struggle with this as well once you start getting her back on track with healthier foods. Just be patient and don't give in.0 -
You are obviously in a hard situation. I've been in a similar situation with my husband and the only advice I can offer is to leave her be. Pointing out that she's not eating healthy will just make her resent you. Making the choice to live a healthier lifestyle is a very personal choice as you might well know from doing it yourself. The only thing you can do is love her for who she is and try to accept that she might not be ready to give up her junk food just yet. I do think that you can help by helping with food preparation where you can incorporate a salad (healthy alternative) to each meal you have together as a family. As for your child if she is still small enough where you can decide what she has to eat then maybe make a compromise with your wife that if she's going to order something unhealthy for your daughter it needs to combined it with something healthy. Marriage takes a lot of compromise... good luck!0
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Sorry if this has already been said and I missed it. You and your wife should go to a check up for your daughter together and discuss her weight/eating with the pediatrician together. Most likely the pediatrician say something like corn dogs and mac n cheese are fine sometimes but on a daily basis she should eat.... and give a suggestion or send you to a nutritionist. Once you have a professional opinion that may help. Next if your wife still wants to give your daughter unhealthy food on a regular basis don't get into a power struggle. You might need to go to a counselor together who can mediate and help you find a common ground. It is hard when two parents have opposite views on an issue and either one trying to control the other (whether they are right or wrong) will only cause more problems. My last suggestion is try to find ways to make the meals your wife and daughter love more healthy. Burritos, Mac n cheese, and pizza can be a part of a healthy diet if done right. As far as your wife you can't force her to change you can only try to make it easier for her to get healthy such as inviting her for a walk or bike ride and cooking healthier meals.0
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As far as your wife...let her be it has to be her choice and you pushing her to do it will make things very unhappy.
Now your daughter is different, I would make an appt with her doctor and bring her in to make sure she actually is overweight and ask the doctor for advice as to how to help her get to a healthy weight and then you bring the information to your wife and tell her this what the doctor suggested we do and we are going to do it.
Also cut down on eating out and start making meals at home it will help a lot with all of you.0 -
OP, I understand. My wife won't touch a vegetable unless it's fried or coated in cheese. I try to eat better myself, which ultimately leads to 2 food plans for our household, with her eating out, or eating ice cream and chips at home. I hate watching it, but I can't force feed. She won't touch anything I've cooked [mostly soups, stir-frys, salads, smoothies], so what can you do?
On the other hand, your daughter as at a breaking point. Kids palates are set in their toddler years. Some research has even suggested that a mom's diet during pregnancy and breast feeding will start to establish a child's palate as well. If wifey will let you, try to plan your daughter's meals, and let her eat like daddy. She'll fuss and fight for awhile, but she'll get used to healthy eating. With any luck, her life choices will move this way as she grows.
I was raised by a cola and ding dongs diet. It's what my mom was into. I didn't know that you could drink water until I was in my teens [only partly kidding]. I spend my childhood heavy and after college blew into obesity as an adult. That said, I've spent my whole life fighting this pattern of eating. If I'd been raised on a plant heavy diet, I've no doubt I wouldn't have become what I did.
It's not hopeless, I've shed 78lbs already. However, imagine if you could save your daughter this life. It's quite difficult and obesity will affect most every aspect of her life.
Good luck and strength to you. I pray your wife becomes inspired to eat like you both!0 -
Side note:
My son sometimes specifically asks for things like pizza, mac & cheese, and corndogs for dinner sometimes. Every once in a while we will indulge him, but on nights that we do not, he has to eat whatever I have prepared (if I know it's something that he actually will eat and likes) or he doesn't eat. I do not go out of my way to make a separate meal just for him just because he wants to eat junk food. If he asks for something healthy and it is within reason, I will let him have it. You may find you struggle with this as well once you start getting her back on track with healthier foods. Just be patient and don't give in.
I do partially agree however with his daughter only being 3 for me personally I wouldn't go the route of eat what we eat or you don't eat at all because I don't think she fully understands, now if she were 13 absolutely.0
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