Stubborn wife, advice please?
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You sound like a very patient man, kudos for that
I think your wife has insecurities with herself (her weight) She could have emotional bonds with food too..
It seems at the time being, you have goals and are heading down a road of more fitness success, in result you will find yourself having more disagreements in outtings when it comes to food, and restaurants...
You and her are the role models, and lots of parents disregard food and dont see how it really affects a persons personal life, physically and mentally..
You should sit her down and tell her your perspective, how you really do care about her health and your child's.. maybe she will take it in a different light and be more encouraged to change if you show concern in the lightest way possible..woman do usually take everything personally!! So tell her how much you love her, and just be clear as day and honest!0 -
if you are trying to push them, you are a food nazi
health effort should be an individual choice
If you keep pointing at them, you are probably pissing them off
Somehow, I do not think a 3 year old child is in a position to be able to make individual choices as to what food is healthy or not, lol.
Agreed, there's a shared responsibility with what the kids consume, the poster could try preparing better meals to lead a better example for the kids. As for the wife, she's a grown adult and won't change unless she wants to. No point in nagging her.
This.0 -
I gotta admit, I'm amazed and ****ing disturbed by the amount of people telling him to "worry about yourself" when a huge chuck of his issue is worrying about his 3 year old daughter's poor eating habits.
What the **** kind of father would he be if he finally recognized the family had **** eating habits, got himself healthy, and just ignored the fact that his 3-year old daughter is still constantly eating crap because his wife refuses to take any responsibility to provide healthy eating habits to the child?
Dude, OP, that's your kid. Take responsibility. If you don't like the way your wife is feeding her, take control of it. And ignore anyone here that says you need to "worry about yourself" because that's some seriously ****ed up advice when it comes to being worried about your child.0 -
I have completely changed my eating habits over the past year, and with plenty of exercise, have lost about 68 pounds now. My wife has refused to join me in my healthy eating efforts, and often feeds herself and our three year old daughter garbage. No matter where we go out to eat, she always orders either a huge burrito or pizza, and she always gets our daughter chicken strips, mac and cheese, or mini corn dogs. Kids menus don't have many good options as it is, but I feel like we could be doing better. Whenever I say something about my wife's poor food choices, she calls me a food nazi and gets all upset. In my non-medical opinion, both my wife and daughter are overweight and putting themselves at risk for a variety of health problems, but I feel helpless to do anything about it because my wife is so stubborn. What, if anything, can I do? Am I really being too uptight, and let them eat whatever they want? Or should I be more assertive, since I am the daddy and have had success with losing weight and maintaining weight by eating healthily and exercising? I feel like this issue is so touchy for my wife, it could pull us apart. Thanks for any constructive advice you might have!
Here's my constructive advice:
As for the bolded parts,
1. Stop making comments about your wife's food choices, you sound like a food nazi.
2. Worry about yourself
3. Since you're the daddy??? Seriously, not gonna go there but being the "daddy", if you don't like the food choices your kids have, quit b*tching and do some meal prep yourself.
Again, if you don't like the food your family is choosing to eat, step up and take over meal preps for a month.
#3. Interesting, so he lost 68 pounds in a year by... what? eating his wife's cooking? Somehow I doubt that. So what are you basing the assumption on? Him being male? When he said Daddy, you think he was talking about his wife?
Next time, trying reading what someone wrote, instead of what you want to read so you can hate people.0 -
One more thought. If you have a child who is a picky eater remember kids need to try new foods many times before they begin to like it. We have a rule at our house that you must try everything on your plate. If you don't like it you don't have to eat it but you must try it. I also make it a competition with my 6 year old. I will say "I bet I can finish my carrots before you." She usually forgets she didn't want it and tries to beat me.0
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Does your wife feel threatened by your success or insecure in your relationship? You could unknowingly be making the issue worse with questioning her food choices. If she is happy eating whatever she does and is happy in herself you will only be making the issue worse, leave her choices to her.
As a mummy depending on how pro active you are as a dad may have bearing on how she takes your feelings about your daughters eating. Again if you are just picking on this one issue I would look at yourself first (are you too sensitive) and not get too hung up on the eating habits. Get involved with all the meals if possible not just dinner (you only talk about eating out are they healthy all the other time)
If you are pro active daddy then why not help with making the meals and shopping for the ingredients and involve your daughter in the process (shop the rainbow for fruit and veg, make a list with pictures and get her to scribble on them when you have got that one).
I know I would appreciate someone cooking for me once perhaps your wife would like that too? Chat with her in a non confrontational way (not at a meal time when tension can sky rocket).
Be Kind to each other its hard when one of you is changing and the other doesn't want to.0 -
if you are trying to push them, you are a food nazi
health effort should be an individual choice
If you keep pointing at them, you are probably pissing them off
The wife, yeah. The kid, no. He has a responsibility to his child to ensure she has a healthy diet.
No way would I sit back and let my husband give me kids constant junk that is making them overweight!!
You wife is out of order for allowing the child to eat rubbish under the excuse of being a 'food nazi'.
This! Honestly, there was a comment in this thread that irritated the crap out of me because it almost seemed as though since you "are the daddy" you have less control while Mom holds all the cards. Someone's personal issues peeking through their advice. You definitely have just as much say in feeding your child as your wife does. You are right to be concerned if you feel that your daughter is learning unhealthy eating habits. Your wife's eating habits (unless she is obese) isn't your concern, but your daughter's eating habits most certainly are.
Honestly, legally speaking mommy does hold all of the cards (assuming OP is in the US), unless you can prove she is an unfit parent. Mommy and kid being overweight is not going to do that - if they even are overweight, medically. Who knows? OP says they are overweight in his non-medical opinion.
Now OP has suddenly revealed it is only occasionally that they go out and have 'unhealthy' food. Gee, I wonder if the wife views not having to cook as a relaxing break, and enjoys having something she wouldn't make at home? She probably feels like she's giving her kid a treat as well. No wonder getting criticism about her choices is prompting a 'food nazi' push-back.
If OP's marriage is suffering enough that he would post this, just imagine the shape it'll be in when the wife stumbles across it. Piss her off enough, and neither wife nor kid will be in OP's sphere of influence at all, which I guess is a solution. Of a sort ...0 -
in to read later...0
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if you are trying to push them, you are a food nazi
health effort should be an individual choice
If you keep pointing at them, you are probably pissing them off
The wife, yeah. The kid, no. He has a responsibility to his child to ensure she has a healthy diet.
No way would I sit back and let my husband give me kids constant junk that is making them overweight!!
You wife is out of order for allowing the child to eat rubbish under the excuse of being a 'food nazi'.
This! Honestly, there was a comment in this thread that irritated the crap out of me because it almost seemed as though since you "are the daddy" you have less control while Mom holds all the cards. Someone's personal issues peeking through their advice. You definitely have just as much say in feeding your child as your wife does. You are right to be concerned if you feel that your daughter is learning unhealthy eating habits. Your wife's eating habits (unless she is obese) isn't your concern, but your daughter's eating habits most certainly are.
Honestly, legally speaking mommy does hold all of the cards (assuming OP is in the US), unless you can prove she is an unfit parent. Mommy and kid being overweight is not going to do that - if they even are overweight, medically. Who knows? OP says they are overweight in his non-medical opinion.
I wasn't speaking in legal terms. They made the child together and they have equal responsibility to that child. This child has two parents, if this child only had a Mother than that would be a different story. I am in no way telling OP to take legal action. I'm not entirely sure how that came out of what I wrote but if it did I sincerely apologize. My point is, I hate when people imply that Mothers are the most important figurehead. Fathers are important too.0 -
You need to sit and talk to her. Level with her. Explain that you aren't trying to be a "nazi" but the health of both of them is highly important to you.
STOP eating out until she can get on board. Make family cooking fun.
Normally, if it WAS just the wife I'd say "worry about yourself" but there is a child involved.0 -
I gotta admit, I'm amazed and ****ing disturbed by the amount of people telling him to "worry about yourself" when a huge chuck of his issue is worrying about his 3 year old daughter's poor eating habits.
What the **** kind of father would he be if he finally recognized the family had **** eating habits, got himself healthy, and just ignored the fact that his 3-year old daughter is still constantly eating crap because his wife refuses to take any responsibility to provide healthy eating habits to the child?
Dude, OP, that's your kid. Take responsibility. If you don't like the way your wife is feeding her, take control of it. And ignore anyone here that says you need to "worry about yourself" because that's some seriously ****ed up advice when it comes to being worried about your child.
What he said.
If your wife wants to continue to eat unhealthy there really is nothing you can do about it but keep eating the way you do and maybe eventually, she will want to join you. As far as your daughter is concerned, you have every reason and every right to want to improve the way she eats! You want a healthy child! What parent doesn't want whats best for their kids?? Focus on changing your daughter's eating habits. It won't be easy but your child's health is more important than easy.
Best of luck!!0 -
You have no right to push your wife to eat healthier but you have every right and responsibility to see that your daughter eats healthier. What she eats now will form her food opinion in later years.
You might try taking the initiative at nights you eat at home and cook dinner for the family. Instead of pushing it as healthier just serve it as something 'new' to try. Good luck!
This x1000. You def cant make your wife change her habits but you can certainly help your daughter. And you have every right to teach her proper nutrition. Hopefully your wife will at least be on board with that. Good luck!0 -
And when that fails...You need to sit and talk to her. Level with her. Explain that you aren't trying to be a "nazi" but the health of both of them is highly important to you.
STOP eating out until she can get on board. Make family cooking fun.
Normally, if it WAS just the wife I'd say "worry about yourself" but there is a child involved.
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I gotta admit, I'm amazed and ****ing disturbed by the amount of people telling him to "worry about yourself" when a huge chuck of his issue is worrying about his 3 year old daughter's poor eating habits.
What the **** kind of father would he be if he finally recognized the family had **** eating habits, got himself healthy, and just ignored the fact that his 3-year old daughter is still constantly eating crap because his wife refuses to take any responsibility to provide healthy eating habits to the child?
Dude, OP, that's your kid. Take responsibility. If you don't like the way your wife is feeding her, take control of it. And ignore anyone here that says you need to "worry about yourself" because that's some seriously ****ed up advice when it comes to being worried about your child.
I'm going to second this. Its pretty evident how many people are voicing some loud opinions on how to raise OPs child when they clearly don't have children themselves.
Its impossible to force your wife to take any steps she doesn't want to take but if you can find some common interests (biking to the park and flying a kite/playing with huge bubbles/hiking/WHATEVER) and try to incorporate mutually acceptable healthy events into the family's calendar.
But helping your child develop good eating habits is REALLY important and it doesn't make you a nazi to look out for your child. Or else almost every parent in the world would be a nazi.0 -
I think this thread needs to just end...
OP originally spoke out of frustration, and yes, what he was saying sounded judgmental and everyone jumped onto the "you can't force your wife to be healthy but your daughter is another story" bandwagon. He later backpedaled and gave some additional information that in my opinion, makes this sound much less sinister. Wife cooks at home and makes relatively healthy meals. Wife may not be ready to lose weight, that's her prerogative. It's only when they go out to eat that he is concerned about his daughter's eating habits. Daughter is 3 years old. 3 YEARS OLD. Which means she isn't overweight yet. And while I agree that it is up to the parents to offer healthy choices to children, I don't know any 3 year olds who don't eat mac n cheese, chicken nuggets, and pizza on occasion, in a restaurant or at home. Without a lot more details about what the child does or doesn't eat, I think all the advice about dad needing to step in and take a hard stance for the sake of the child is a little bit of a knee jerk reaction to the limited amount of information provided in the OP... which has since been tempered...
So before this spirals even more out of control and drags on and on - I propose we all just...
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Use food to bond with your daughter. For example, if she wants a snack and to watch a show on tv with you, snuggle up with some treats like carrots....just something "healthy", and she will enjoy it and get a taste of good healthy food. That way you don't tick your wife off or put your daughter in the middle.0
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my wife doesn't eat like i do too...
She eats breakfast and lunch and snacks like she wants.
For supper I make it for all of us and it's healthy so she eats good at that moment (kids included)
I buy good food for the kids too but sometime yes..they have can noddles or kraft dinner but they're kids and i don't want to piss them off too (but they eat most of the time very well).
That's how i do it.
It's hard to force someone to change their habits .... they need to decide and wanted themselves.
I think you can slowly...bring her to eat healthier...slow, step by step by adding more veggies etc..
It's working for me. And the other day she was happy that she has lost weight.... etc....0 -
OP, as a mother to a 3 year old...I get it, I really do. However, since your wife is not on the same wavelength as you it makes it very difficult. My husband refuses to eat healthy & always has a smart remark when I am trying to feed him healthy food. So I have resorted to preparing different meals for him. For my daughter & I, I cook clean meals with plenty of veggies. Sometimes she eats her veggies other times not. Since toddlers are weird, I just keep offering different veggies to my daughter. For my husband, he gets the not so healthy stuff (fried everything, processed side dishes, etc.). I don't argue with him about it, it's his choice.0
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Yeah, are they actually over weight? Like are actual medical professionals worried about them?
I really don't like like your topic - you are labeling your wife, when you could have just as easily said "frustrated husband". You didn't, because you think you are right and she is wrong. And maybe you are right, but you are going to win very few people, least of all your wife, over with that the kind of attitude you have.
You lost 68 pounds. That doesn't automatically mean you are qualified to tell other people that they need to lose weight or what to eat. We have no idea how you lost your weight or what your relationship with food is actually like. You act like pizza, burritos, and corn dogs are the devil, that is suspect to me. There is nothing wrong with those foods. It's easy to make them a part of a balanced diet. What your wife chooses to eat is her business. STFU about it. If you wife is denying your daughter produce because it's "healthy" that is different than her allowing your daughter food you deem "junk".
In the case of your daughter, see her pediatrician for advice. If your daughter is indeed "overweight" ask them for a plan to help reduce her weight. But go with the expert's opinion and forget your own. If you actually love your wife and daughter, give up on the idea of being right.
PS if my husband had a post like this, it would give me serious pause. The internet is forever, what's to say she won't find this heap of of a thread in the future when she wants to lose weight? At no point do you even try to make your wife a sympathetic character or mention any redeeming qualities about her. That speaks volumes about you, not her. How did you marry such a stubborn woman who turned out to be a terrible mother than let's her daughter have corn dogs? SMDH.
Wow! Scold him for being judgemental then get all judgemental on his *kitten*. You missing your NOW meeting?0 -
Whole relationship issues discussion aside, with my 3 boys, I don't label foods as 'good' and 'bad'. They know there are foods that are better choices than others and if they make choices through the day that are 'better' choices, they can choose a snack that is on the 'sometimes' list. If their choices aren't as good during the day, then they need to choose from the 'better' choices list. The same goes for when we are out to eat. If they have had more nutrient dense foods throughout the day, they get to pretty much choose what they want off the menu. If they haven't had such good food throughout the day, they will not have all of those options available. The one year old doesn't really get the choices yet, but the 6 and 8 year old do. They understand that some food provides more benefit to their bodies than others, and that is the food they need to eat the most of. They also know that pop-tarts taste yummy, but they will only get those a few times a year.0
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I haven't read all of the comments, but here's my 2 cents:
My mother was overweight; and consequently, I was an overweight kid. Being an overweight kid is pretty terrible. I really wish my father had "stepped in" and done something to help the situation. I, honestly, don't know what he could have done to change my mom's behaviors. He probably couldn't do anything, and that's why he didn't. He may have even tried to help, but I may not have been mature enough to see it at the time.
As an adult and parent now, I think the best thing that my dad could have done for me would have been set a better example for me as far as nutrition and exercise. He wasn't overweight while I was growing up, BUT he was far from healthy or fit.
Just keep up your healthy lifestyle/behaviors, your daughters are watching you as well as your wife. Encourage your children to engage in healthy activities with you.0 -
This is supposed to be forum where people are sharing advice and helping one another so shame on anyone belittling him for wanting to help his family. There is nothing wrong with this man wanting his family to be healthy and so many of you are giving him nothing but grief. All the comments about he should worry about himself and leave them alone are so wrong. If the eating habits of his wife and daughter are as unhealthy as he describes then he should absolutely speak up about it. While I do agree that it will probably be more difficult to change his wife's habits, his daughter is 100% his business and he has just as much a say in how she is raised as her mother does. If the decisions she is making for them both are putting them at risk then he is right for wanting to help them. Think about it, if you come from a family of people who drink heavily and you realize how much its hurting you and decide to become sober why shouldn't you want the same for those you love? Food Nazi my *kitten*! I would never let my daughter eat those things day in and day out. OP I commend you for the progress you've made thus far and for those offering encouraging words I'm sure he thanks you. I suggest you take their opinions and advise into consideration. There are better, less confrontational ways to address this problem other than telling her what they should and should not be eating. At the end of the day stay positive, don't attack your wife and do your part to make small changes which will affect the larger change you're seeking. Best of luck to you and your family.0
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You can lead a horse to water, but you can't force it to drink. Focus on your eating habits, there's no reason why you can't calorie count and maintain your diet despite how your daughter and wife eat.
My best advice is to lead by example. Your wife might not appreciate your wealth of weight loss knowledge now but after seeing your results over and over it will eventually start to rub off. It's also very important that you don't over do it, you could make weight loss off putting completely if you don't let up a tad. Encourage healthy choices when you can, let it go when you can't.
Also I wouldn't worry so much about your daughter, she's young and children burn a lot more calories playing all day than you might think. Take her to a children's doctor annually and let them be the judge of whether or not she's putting on too much weight.0 -
Thank you all for the advice and butt-kicking. I was in a rotten mood when I posted it, so I apologize if I came off sounding like an unkind person toward my wife. I will take all of your helpful advice and try to work constructively with my wife to create a healthy eating environment for my daughter, when we eat at home and at restaurants. This morning we discussed how most kid's menus are filled with not-so-great options, and perhaps we should just share our food with her. I will note that my wife is an excellent cook, and goes out of her way to make healthy meals at home. It's just when we eat out that I see problems. I will also try to encourage the whole family to be more active, as long as we can keep it fun. More dancing, less sitting around, etc. If I have serious concerns about my daughter's health I will talk to her pediatrician. Thanks again.
I am reposting the OP's much less sinister second post where he says that he was in a bad mood and maybe the problem isn't quite as severe as what he indicated originally.
I don't think he's coming back. Save your advice about being too involved/not involved enough for the next person who doesn't understand the internet is forever when he or she chooses to express some marital frustrations on a forum thread...0 -
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