Parenting ADVICE NEEDED!

Parenting advice 101:

When your child is a baby treat them like a baby.
When your child is an adolescent treat them like an adolescent, not a baby.
When your child is a young adult/teenager, treat them like a young adult/teenager, not a baby
When your child is an adult, treat them like an adult, not a baby.

Now that you've made the parenting mistake of treating your child like a baby, you're either going to need to seek counseling your some tough love.

Uh, adolescence is another name for young adulthood/teenage years. An eight year old is not an adolescent--they are a child.

No kidding. he skipped an entire age range there. She's almost a baby still.

I don't know... I just have a 3 year old... but even when she was an infant and we were sleep training her or crate training the dog... I wouldn't totally ignore them if they were whining and fussing... and while some whining warrants taking things away... I usually try to find out where the whining is coming from... Just from reading your posts, there is more going on than just being insolant... In my limited experience as a parent, usually finding out why they are whining, fussing and otherwise carrying on and solving that problem typically takes care of the behavior you don't want.

Behaviour always communicates feelings. I'd work on getting to the bottom of those feelings. Have you talked to her about her anxiety?

In the meantime, I'd focus more on rewarding positive behaviour instead of punishing how she's handling the new sleeping arrangements. Some kind of reward chart might work - Like, after a week of going to bed without issues, she gets to pick somewhere to go for a day out. That type of thing.

... age doesn't really matter when we're dealing with serious changes and emotions.

THIS.

Grown adults have major reactions to big life changes. She's not being "bad," she's expressing a feeling that she might not know how to put into words.

totally this. ^^ instead of taking things away, set up rewards.

From her perspective, she has lost you, and the time many of us most acutely feel loss is at night, when we are alone with our thoughts.

So much this. My parents had a lousy marriage. They fought constantly and were just never happy. I always knew they loved me and they were together until I was 17, so I didn't go through this kind of upheaval, but my childhood was tough for other reasons and nighttime was always a challenge. I think I slept with a light on (not a nightlight, but a full-on bedroom light) until I was 9 or 10. I was scared to death to be alone in a dark bedroom with a closed door.

I was fine during the day, had lots of friends, was active and happy. But nighttime was very difficult.

ETA: I never really thought about it before reading your post!

I agree that getting her a pet (she won't be alone, it needs her, loves her, etc) would be perfect! A cat or dog would be great for her..

But what happens when she doesn't receive that love from the pet? Not all dogs and cats turn out to be cuddly. Then, she just has another form of rejection to deal with. It would be better if mom stepped up and took care of her daughter's emotional needs, rather than substituting an animal.

I just read the OPs follow up, and I commend you for hearing the advice you were given. Please go to counseling with her. Even if only for a couple of sessions. And be patient with her. She's just a little girl.

I know all about the sleep issue at night. Give your daughter time. If this does continue try a family/personal counselor. There maybe an under lying issue other than separation anxiety. Get her into a nightly routine when it is bed time.Try reading or singing to her before she goes to bed. My son who is 5 has Autism so, I know about the keeping everyone awake at night. He often cries out in his sleep keeping everyone awake. I can sympathize.

I want to thank each and every one of you for your input. This is exactly why I posted this. I needed to hear what I'm doing right/wrong. As a parent, you just don't know, like someone said, it doesn't come with an instruction manual. I was raised on "tough love" and I have a hard time not doing the same with my daughter. I have sat down with her and had face-to-face conversations about what I could do to make the transition easier on her. She says she's upset because she didn't get the room she wanted. I asked her if laying with her before bed for longer would help. Until she falls asleep.

I do want to say that I'm not totally cold and not compassionate. We do have a bed-time routine and always have. I still do that with her at night. We lay together and if she says she has a pain, I will stay with her and rub her back/leg/etc. We spend alone time together before going to bed, I will snuggle with her and love on her.

She is with her dad part time as well, we do week on, week off with a mid week overnight. His girlfriend moved in with them over a year ago, and she seemed to adjust to that ok. But again, I do understand that this was in her own home. She also had 2 boys move in, and she had to switch rooms. I know this is all a HUGE change for her.

I may take most of your advice and try counseling for her. I think there's a lot she's holding back and not telling me, because she doesn't know how to express it.

My boyfriend is the most patient, kindest, laid back person I've ever met. He is gentle with her, and doesn't over step his boundaries. He will sit with her and talk to her too, and try to find out what's going on in her mind. They have a good relationship.

We do keep all the doors open, until she is in her room, then we crack ours. I know I said shut, but we keep it cracked. She doesn't ever know it's cracked because she doesn't get up. So that shouldn't affect her. We simply do it so we can sleep and drown out the noise once we've gotten her all tucked in and did whatever we could to ease her. Nothing seems to work.

I assure you I am a good mother. I just need some guidance. This is new to all of us.

Again, I thank you all for your input, it has put perspective on the whole situation and it has brought me to tears.

Thank you for coming back and explaining. It does sound like counseling might be the only road left for you and a good child or family psychologist will be able to guide you through this. Also talk to her doctor.

I agree that getting her a pet (she won't be alone, it needs her, loves her, etc) would be perfect! A cat or dog would be great for her..

No. Not fair to expect an animal to make up for whatever love this little girl (feels like she) is missing from other sources. Not fair to an animal to bring it into an unsteady situation. Not fair for the humans that have to take care of said animal.

Sorry, just not good advice. Situations like this are how so many good pets end up in shelters. Mom and dad think Susie needs a kitty because she's "lonely," and then when the kitty doesn't suit their needs, kitty gets surrendered.

You just moved in with your boyfriend, which is a big change. You put her in her own room, away from you. She's now the only person in the family who has to sleep alone. And when she's upset about that, you shut the door and ignore her.

I understand your reasoning in doing that, but think about things from her perspective. She feels replaced and shunned in favor of your boyfriend. I think you might want to consider doing more things all together, as a family, to show that she's not being kicked out on her own. Maybe leave everyone's bedroom doors open for a while, so it doesn't feel like she's closed off from everyone. And if it continues, counseling might be a good option.

Best answer I've seen so far... Kids don't react like adults, and punishing her instead of talking to her and acknowledging that her feelings are valid (they are valid, her entire life has changed in a short period of time) only serves to point out to her (seeing how she's seeing things with a child's mind) that she doesn't matter.

I want to thank each and every one of you for your input. This is exactly why I posted this. I needed to hear what I'm doing right/wrong. As a parent, you just don't know, like someone said, it doesn't come with an instruction manual. I was raised on "tough love" and I have a hard time not doing the same with my daughter. I have sat down with her and had face-to-face conversations about what I could do to make the transition easier on her. She says she's upset because she didn't get the room she wanted. I asked her if laying with her before bed for longer would help. Until she falls asleep.

I do want to say that I'm not totally cold and not compassionate. We do have a bed-time routine and always have. I still do that with her at night. We lay together and if she says she has a pain, I will stay with her and rub her back/leg/etc. We spend alone time together before going to bed, I will snuggle with her and love on her.

She is with her dad part time as well, we do week on, week off with a mid week overnight. His girlfriend moved in with them over a year ago, and she seemed to adjust to that ok. But again, I do understand that this was in her own home. She also had 2 boys move in, and she had to switch rooms. I know this is all a HUGE change for her.

I may take most of your advice and try counseling for her. I think there's a lot she's holding back and not telling me, because she doesn't know how to express it.

My boyfriend is the most patient, kindest, laid back person I've ever met. He is gentle with her, and doesn't over step his boundaries. He will sit with her and talk to her too, and try to find out what's going on in her mind. They have a good relationship.

We do keep all the doors open, until she is in her room, then we crack ours. I know I said shut, but we keep it cracked. She doesn't ever know it's cracked because she doesn't get up. So that shouldn't affect her. We simply do it so we can sleep and drown out the noise once we've gotten her all tucked in and did whatever we could to ease her. Nothing seems to work.

I assure you I am a good mother. I just need some guidance. This is new to all of us.

Again, I thank you all for your input, it has put perspective on the whole situation and it has brought me to tears.

Believe me. I know how hard it is as a parent and to know that something is wrong and not know how to fix it. That's why I think it's time to turn to a psychologist. Don't beat yourself up either. We all make mistakes as parents. I've probably made some of the worst mistakes myself. Just don't give up on your child. Keep reassuring her that she still has you to rely on, even if you aren't in the same room with her.

I will say I didn't read everyone's advice...because I just didn't. Anyway, it's normal, my thought would be to get a sleeping bag or something like that and put it in your room, let her sleep on the floor. It's not ideal but I'm sure moving and not being in your room is ideal for her. So let he sleep in the sleeping bag for a while and then put it in her room, on her bed and then she has the same thing she slept in in your room but it's now in HER room. Moving is a HUGE change for kids, it isn't easy for kids and the fact that she went from sleeping with you to sleeping in her own room is tough. Like you said it was an adjust for everyone, things were moved around and what not. And while you as an adult can express your displeasure for certain things, she can't/won't. My guess is she is a bright kid and knows it's what you want but that doesn't mean it's what she wanted or that she is completely comfortable with it. You both moved in and in her head she is getting the raw end of the deal, she has 3 new people in her life daily all the time, she has her own room, and own bed, when she is used to getting some time with her mom by themselves after your bf and what not leaves. It's a tough time for her and she is having a tough time with it. You yourself should talk to her about it, not you and your bf, while he is the new "father" figure daily, she is used to you and her time. So give it time and make changes slowly not all at once and this is the way it needs to be. Give her a little break, her live is in an upheaval even if you don't see it that way and no problems like this occurred before you moved in together

As the parent of an 8 year old with anxiety, I can tell you that shutting her out will only make it worse. Get up, calmly walk to her room, put her back in bed, stay with her until she falls asleep, and leave her door wide open. It will get better. It will get better at her pace and subject to her emotional maturity because every kid is different. Don' try to rush it. On particularly bad nights, I still sleep on the sofa and keep the door open so she can get up and see me before heading to bed again.

As for medicine, something like Melatonin, which is not habit forming and is harmless, can be a comfort to her. It will help her get tired, and calm her. My pediatrician recommended a 3 mg dose for my daughter.

I won't go into the awful details that created real life upheaval for my kid but she had two solid years of mess. It takes a long time for them to recover from major life trauma. You can't expect rational behavior from an 8 year old.

I want to thank each and every one of you for your input. This is exactly why I posted this. I needed to hear what I'm doing right/wrong. As a parent, you just don't know, like someone said, it doesn't come with an instruction manual. I was raised on "tough love" and I have a hard time not doing the same with my daughter. I have sat down with her and had face-to-face conversations about what I could do to make the transition easier on her. She says she's upset because she didn't get the room she wanted. I asked her if laying with her before bed for longer would help. Until she falls asleep.

I do want to say that I'm not totally cold and not compassionate. We do have a bed-time routine and always have. I still do that with her at night. We lay together and if she says she has a pain, I will stay with her and rub her back/leg/etc. We spend alone time together before going to bed, I will snuggle with her and love on her.

She is with her dad part time as well, we do week on, week off with a mid week overnight. His girlfriend moved in with them over a year ago, and she seemed to adjust to that ok. But again, I do understand that this was in her own home. She also had 2 boys move in, and she had to switch rooms. I know this is all a HUGE change for her.

I may take most of your advice and try counseling for her. I think there's a lot she's holding back and not telling me, because she doesn't know how to express it.

My boyfriend is the most patient, kindest, laid back person I've ever met. He is gentle with her, and doesn't over step his boundaries. He will sit with her and talk to her too, and try to find out what's going on in her mind. They have a good relationship.

We do keep all the doors open, until she is in her room, then we crack ours. I know I said shut, but we keep it cracked. She doesn't ever know it's cracked because she doesn't get up. So that shouldn't affect her. We simply do it so we can sleep and drown out the noise once we've gotten her all tucked in and did whatever we could to ease her. Nothing seems to work.

I assure you I am a good mother. I just need some guidance. This is new to all of us.

Again, I thank you all for your input, it has put perspective on the whole situation and it has brought me to tears.

Just for the record......I never thought you was a bad mom for doing the things you have been doing. No ones perfect and any parent (or non parent for that manner) out there that bashed you for "punishing" your child is "in my opinion" WRONG!! I read this post and gave you what you asked for.......ADVICE......EVERY parent needs it from time to time. Again.....best of luck to you and your daughter!!

It's not a "buck up, buttercup" scenario we're talking about here. It's an upheaval for her daughter and it's unfair for the OP, as a parent, to expect her child to just understand how the pieces fall into place.

Yup.

Many adults would have difficulty dealing with such major upheaval on a psychological level without it manifesting in some way (stress, anxiety and so on) and it is somehow expected of an 8 year old child to be sophisticated enough to do so?

^^^ this, plus the fact that a child in this situation has *no* control over the situation, and having no control over what's happening to you makes the impact of stress much greater. Simply punishing the child for what is a manifestation of anxiety, and not bad behaviour, is going to increase the stress on the child, and their feelings of having no control, and not only make the behaviour worse, but there's a real risk of setting them up for long term anxiety issues.

Adults in a situation like divorce, moving into a new house, etc, have control. If you hate your current situation, you can get out. You choose who you move in with or move away from. A child has no control over any of that and that means the stress will always be greater on them. You can't change this because a child is too young to have that much control over their life, so you just have to be there for them when they're stressed and give them a little bit of control over what they can control, which is never going to be that much. You need to give them a ton of constant reassurance that the changes they're having forced upon them are for their best interests in the long term. And **listen** to your kids... if they can't turn to you in a situation where their life is changing in ways they have no control over and probably don't really understand why it's all happening (no matter how much you explain, they, then who in the world can they turn to? Family/child counselling is a good idea for the same reason, especially if nurturing, listening to your child, helping to problem solve together is not working, or they still are very anxious in spite of it. "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" is a good book that was recommended to me by another mother on this forum, I've found that book to be very useful and has helped me relate to my kids a lot better and to deal with various behaviour issues.

I'm currently going through separation from my soon to be ex husband, and my older daughter's 8. So I can relate to a lot of this stuff. And one thing to remember, if your daughter's anything like mine, as grown up and mature as she can seem to be in a lot of situations, she's still a little girl and has her moments of needing to be nurtured like a little child. From experience, it doesn't make kids dependent if you give them affection and positive attention when they're needy - if anything it makes them more confident the rest of the time because they know they can rely on you when they're scared, lonely, sad, etc. My younger one has had separation issues and I just let her sleep in my bed when she wants to... she went through a phase of coming into my bed nearly every night, but then all of a sudden she just stopped and is happy to sleep in her own bed now. If she goes back to that due to the separation from her father, then so be it. She'll get over it again when she's had that reassurance. Shutting kids out makes them more anxious and drags these problems out for longer. Usually they just need reassurance that you will be there for them when they need you. And if that's not working, then the next step is child counselling.


ETA: I hadn't read some of the later posts from the OP when I read this, so sorry if I've repeated what's already been said or missed anything.